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Original poster

Has anyone left DH and then regretted it?

89 replies

Chartreuser · 26/05/2019 17:43

My mum left when I was little and so I always swore to myself I would stay with DH no matter what as I didn't want them to come from a broken home.

I have known DH for nearly 25 years, been together nearly 20. He is not a bad dad, or husband. Shares chores equally (mental load not, all the organising, finances etc fall to me).

I just feel I am slowly dying. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I have once ever orgasammed with him, he is not good in bed but tbh I would rather it was over quickly. He has nevertheles once surprised me, evening out, little gift etc just because. I used to but now just don't see the point. He never suggests anything. Places to go, things to do, etc etc.

This has all come to a great as he has gone away with work despite me telling him last year I had to work this weekend, so I am now trying and failing to look after DCs whilst working at home, we are all having a shit time. I am raging at him, but equally loving not having him around, dripping around following me waiting for me to do, or arrange our cook or whatever.

I am sad and angry that I have realised how key down I feel by him, and how how much easier life would be if he didn't live here. We have spoken about this so many times in the past, he cries and tells me he loves me and would do anything for me, and then nothing changes.

I worry, however, that I will end up old and bitter and lonely, but tbh I feel so lonely being with someone so being alone can't be worse?

Anyone leave a marriage for similar and regret it? Or not?

OP posts:
Original poster
Chartreuser · 26/05/2019 17:45

^ arrange or cook, I wish I had a cook!

OP posts:
Chilledout11 · 26/05/2019 17:46

25 years is a long time chart
I am feeling much the same. Slowly dying of boredom but I know I do never leave. Hid under the covers here crying. Yet another dull weekend. I will go for a drive once dc are in bed (wahay). Just to get out & away from the dullness.

Original poster
Chartreuser · 26/05/2019 17:48

I have spent this afternoon crying under the duvet working in my bedroom too

OP posts:
Chilledout11 · 26/05/2019 17:49

Movie and wine tonight might help Flowers

HollowTalk · 26/05/2019 17:51

It's no way to live, is it? How old are your children?

Original poster
Chartreuser · 26/05/2019 17:58

They are 14, 12 and 10. I hope that he shags someone when he's away so I have an excuse to kick him out, but reality is he never would and I'd just end up the bad guy.

My MH is really suffering, I'd always said no to anti ds as I was worried about their numbing effects but I think that's what I need.

I've been volunteering helping at a youth group one evening aweek for years and he's going to start helping too, I literally can't escape

OP posts:
Original poster
Chartreuser · 26/05/2019 17:59

Oh and I can't drink alcohol (which I guess is actually a plus?)

OP posts:
CassettesAreCool · 26/05/2019 18:08

Not completely the same here OP but I got to the point where I hoped he would just die or shag someone else so it would end. Certainly hid under work for years. Not a bad man but not for me. I got rid four years ago. It’s been tough at times and a bit scary but exciting too. Feel alive.

QuickQuestion2019 · 26/05/2019 18:11

This is why I fear getting into a long term relationship again. Middle Aged men all seem so dull and draining and vaguely helpless. Life is short OP!

tootruetoyou · 26/05/2019 18:27

Same here. Crying inside and feel 50 is too young to never feel alive again. The tedium is killing me.

Justbreathing · 26/05/2019 18:32

You don’t have to live like this.
Fear. It’s pretty much what stops everyone doing anything.

Original poster
Chartreuser · 26/05/2019 18:35

I am so sorry there are others who feel as I do :(

I have promised myself to stick it out until youngest goes to uni (hopefully 8 more years) then I will leave

OP posts:
CatPunsFreakMeowt · 26/05/2019 18:36

You only get one life, it sounds like no way to live it OP Flowers

Justbreathing · 26/05/2019 18:38

@Chartreuser
I will say from personal experience as the child in this situation that you can’t hide unhappiness. This will be what they consider a normal relationship

It’s 6 of one and half a dozen of another. But my mum waited and it was basically a very unhappy childhood for no real reason I could put my finger on. Other than just a sense of unhappiness pervading

Ploppymoodypants · 26/05/2019 18:42

Didn’t want to read and run. I left my first DH and have never regretted it. What I actually did was just start a life without him. I was so exhausted having to plan and initiate everything we did together. And after a week or 2 of waiting for him to take the initiative (after expressing my thoughts to him) and crying with frustration and loneliness, In the end I just stopped and did what I wanted. That went on for a few years until I eventually left. He was v upset but not ever enough to make changes. I guess that’s just not who he was.

However, apart from you working this weekend. Why can’t you and the kids go off and do fun stuff. My current DH is a lot of fun and up for anything, but he works (a lot). So instead of feeling bored and sorry, I pack up the kids and off we go on our adventures and DH tags along whenever he can. Me and the kids have some great times. We have some other single mum friends so we can all go in a big group. Or it’s just me and the kids. We go to the seaside, riding bikes in the Forrest, for ‘pub supper’, on train rides. There list is endless. Would that help with the boredom aspect?

Original poster
Chartreuser · 26/05/2019 18:54

Yes, I normally do do fun stuff with the kids but I really have to work this weekend, DH knew but didn't do anything to help, so now I feel like a shit mum as kids have been plugged in all day. But I have taken them away on my own (am taking DD for a week interrailing in Oct solo) and frequently do fun stuff, it doesn't help that the 14yo doesn't want to do anything, ever (possibly freaks me out that I see his dad so much in him). I think they say me sad, but then I shut it down and carry on.

I just want to scream, when sortingstuff out for everyone else, what about me? Who is doing anything for me? And the answer is no-one. So I am going to have to start for myself.

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 26/05/2019 19:15

I have never separated but am 53 and I know several friends and my sister, who have separated when their dc have left home.

My sister did it last year and bitterly regrets wasting the last 10 years living with her H. She is much happier now.

Please don’t feel you have to wait until your dc have left. Life is too short.

HidingFromDD · 26/05/2019 19:24

No, and for similar reasons as you. I left when the dc were in yr 8 & 9, as I knew I wouldn't be able to stick it out until they'd left uni. I wouldn't say my life is actually that much different now, but the difference is I no longer feel lonely. And if I want to do something different, I just do it, it's really liberating.

HidingFromDD · 26/05/2019 19:25

And I still don't have anyone who does anything for me, but I no longer feel resentment about it....

Margorystewartbaxter · 26/05/2019 19:45

Mine has been gone a year. I have spent today working on a DIY project, fed everyone, had a bath and now chilling with wine and my book while the kids play their their friends. You couldn't make me live with a man again for ANYTHING. Go for it - if you want permission I'm giving it to you right now Thanks

Justbreathing · 26/05/2019 19:46

Have you tried relate or joint counselling
I always think if the other person doesn’t want to join you in that. Then the games up really. If nothing else it cements things.

Most people don’t want to go because if they do then it shows up the problems and then you have to do something about it one way or the other

Original poster
Chartreuser · 26/05/2019 20:13

I would happily go to counselling, be went solo a few times but then stopped as he said the counsellor said there was nothing more to go through, which given his parents splitting and then his mum clearly prioritising anything else over him I find v hard to believe. His mum left his dad for similar reasons too

OP posts:
Alwaysgrey · 26/05/2019 20:20

I’m in a similar situation. Only my kids have special needs, I can’t work and I feel hugely trapped not to mention bored. I’m not sure I’d ever chose to live with a man again. Especially not one who is so obsessed by sport.

I’d suggest planning your life around him. But maybe a split would be better. Life is too short to be miserable.

Justbreathing · 26/05/2019 20:22

@Chartreuser
That says it all really.

Sorry. 8 years is a long time to pretend to be happy. And you can’t fake that shit anyway.

I don’t know what’s best for you. But you’re young. And you deserve to be happy.

ChristmasFluff · 26/05/2019 20:48

If you stay with him you will definitely end up old, bitter and lonely.

If you leave him - who knows.