Has anyone left DH and then regretted it?

[Chartreuser]

My mum left when I was little and so I always swore to myself I would stay with DH no matter what as I didn't want them to come from a broken home.

I have known DH for nearly 25 years, been together nearly 20. He is not a bad dad, or husband. Shares chores equally (mental load not, all the organising, finances etc fall to me).

I just feel I am slowly dying. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I have once ever orgasammed with him, he is not good in bed but tbh I would rather it was over quickly. He has nevertheles once surprised me, evening out, little gift etc just because. I used to but now just don't see the point. He never suggests anything. Places to go, things to do, etc etc.

This has all come to a great as he has gone away with work despite me telling him last year I had to work this weekend, so I am now trying and failing to look after DCs whilst working at home, we are all having a shit time. I am raging at him, but equally loving not having him around, dripping around following me waiting for me to do, or arrange our cook or whatever.

I am sad and angry that I have realised how key down I feel by him, and how how much easier life would be if he didn't live here. We have spoken about this so many times in the past, he cries and tells me he loves me and would do anything for me, and then nothing changes.

I worry, however, that I will end up old and bitter and lonely, but tbh I feel so lonely being with someone so being alone can't be worse?

Anyone leave a marriage for similar and regret it? Or not?

I can relate so much to the dullness. And the loneliness.

Shall we go out? Nah. Pop down the local as it's bank holiday? Nah. Take the kids bowling? Nah.

Come with me in a dog walk?
Nah.
Let's try a joint hobby - anything, just for a laugh!
Nah.
Shall we cook something nice tomorrow? Nah, it's too much effort.

Answer is always no. He's tired, just wants to 'relax' ... So he will sit watching sport or fucking TV repeats. I am dying of boredom. And I am so fucking lonely.

He does loads of chores and stuff, so cant fault that.but absolutely nothing for me. Would never make me a cup of tea, run me a bath, say I look nice, congratulate me on my achievements, never has my back when things go wrong. At best I feel utterly invisible, at worst I feel he tolerates me.

He's shocked/confused by our lack of sex.
Seems totally happy with the way things are otherwise....

I don't think we can afford to split. So I think I'm stuck. Forever. I have no money. No savings, no pension, a crappy paid part-time job, an overdraft, a massive credit card bill, and DC with health issues so can't work more than I do, no caosvity to earn more. No family of my own that I can rely on. If I won the lottery, you wouldn't see me for dust.

I am suffocating, and I can't see an end to it.

OP, get out!

To anyone else feeling like this too, 💐💐💐💐

Slowly dying that’s exactly it! I too spent many months wishing he would die because then it wouldn’t be fault....but then I realised that wasn’t the way and I was an adult and could take control of my life. He isn’t a bad person but wasn’t for me, although now the decision is made I see so much wrong in the relationship which kind of explains the unhappiness I just couldn’t see it at the time- good luck whatever you decide

Hi, I just wanted to say I'm in a similar situation.... you're not alone! and weirdly, in a conversation with a friend this afternoon, I also said "I just feel I am slowly dying".

My feelings are complicated by the many contradictions I list below......!

We have been married 20+ years. Our kids are 18+. No-one dislikes DH.... he is the classic "very nice man". To my knowledge he has never been unfaithful and I trust him. He has never been violent, but can be critical and cutting, in subtle ways. I feel I have to bite my tongue a lot. I don't feel safe and secure with him, i.e. I have to always lock up the house; he has no sense of danger, or respects my need to feel protected (a man once made a pass at me, and he didn't even say anything to the guy! + I was recently nearly sexually assaulted, but because he has met this man and liked him, he said I was imagining it and he is a really nice guy, and 'not like that' !!)

I never felt chemistry with him (I have a vague idea of what chemistry feels like .... I met men over the years at work etc. that I felt it with, but have never acted on it, and would never cheat on him). When we met i thought he was nice and caring, and when i was young that was what i wanted. I don't think he is sexy & sex is a chore (I have to be at least slightly tipsy to be intimate with him), although he is sexually 'giving' and like to please me... he also looks after himself, and is clean, smells nice and dresses well, etc.

He is a workaholic and it has affected us as a family , but we have never struggled for money etc. He does nothing around the house, treats it worse than a child (i.e. walks mud through it & doesn't clean it up, leaves dirty dishes everywhere, crisp packets on the sofa, pants on bathroom floor etc)

I have persevered all this time due to low self-confidence and pressure from family. He tells me he loves me and worships the ground I walk on. Our life is also very stressful for various reasons and I feel I am trapped. I have to plan my life around him. We have been through Relate twice in the past 10 years. It's the same old problems rearing their ugly head.

I working to finding the courage to leave.....

This is quite a depressing thread. Just confirms my suspicions that humans aren't really meant to mate for life, and the idea of marriage need reexamining. By the sound of these husbands are all far more satisfied with their marriages than their wives, so wouldn't easily agree to a split. And to be realistic, none of them would probably be capable of the fairly radical changes that would be necessary to make the marriages tolerable. But they all sound like decent blokes, so initiating a separation would be tough. No easy solutions here.

Why would you stick it out until your youngest is in Uni?
You said you promised yourself your kids wouldn't come from a broken home, but I think almost everyone who had parents who stayed together just for them was aware and hated that their parents had did that, wished they hadn't and it affected their views on relationships anyway.

The fact of the matter is that your home is a broken home. It is far far better that you end it and have a chance of being happy. That is the best possible example you can show your kids for how to deal with relationships and will most likely have the best outcome for them in later life.

A 'broken home' as in parents splitting up isn't generally what causes the issues for kids, it's when they can't co-parent successfully and the kids are dragged into the tension or if the kids have to deal with huge upheaval such as moving homes, schools, making new friends etc. along with their parents splitting up.

I agree. A broken home is a broken home.
If you’re in or out

Why not go to counselling together? Why not tell him what you want in bed? Is he not willing to give you what you want?

Left my ex. Never regretted it. Not for one minute. It was like taking off a lead cloak.

I've been in a similar situation to you. I left him last year. I'd never looked back.

I didn’t leave a DH, I left a DP (nearly 7 years) whom I didn’t live with.

The pros of staying were..
Very organised
Great at DIY
Would do any household chores
Financially solvent
Was up for anything fun

Cons..
Loud and inappropriate in company or..
Quiet and rude in company
Sarcastic put downs
Highly impatient (this is probably the biggie)
Always had to be right
Controlling (tried to be)
Cold
Dreadful in bed
No chemistry whatsoever

The pros look and sound fantastic, but the cons, which may not be much to some, were, to me, massive. I think though, because I wasn’t attracted to him at all, this was a killer.

Do I regret leaving?..no. Am I happy?..no (I’m working on that) but I am happier generally. I would wake up every day with this feeling in my stomach, I now realise it was my gut telling me it was so wrong. I haven’t had this feeling since I split. I stayed so long because he had nobody else in his life, no family that bothered with him, and no close friends. He was with someone else within 6 months.

I am no spring chicken, and he was my ‘last chance saloon’. I am resentful towards him because I compromised my life to suit his.

We didn’t have children, that makes it so so much easier, but I did leave my children’s Father too, he was and still is a total loser.

Listen to your gut OP, it’s there for a reason.

God this brings back memories.

XH was a decent enough husband but we were so wrong for one another.

The moment I found texts from another woman, whilst shocked that he could do it to us and his kids, I was so relieved to have what I thought others would feel was a good enough read to end it.

Afterwards it turned out that my well concealed unhappiness wasn’t that well concealed at all but people were just too polite to say.

You only live one life, make what’s left of it better

@itsallpointless - I did that to I wrote a list of pro’s and cons and the pro’s to anyone else would have looked enough to make it work, but the cons to me were far more important and something someone else said further up....I knew that no matter what he couldn’t and probably wouldn’t change enough to make it bearable, because he was quite happy to settle to just make do with what he had. I’d spent so many years saying out loud the perfect happy ever after didn’t exist, it was only a fairytale and what I had was the norm. Looking back I was actually trying to convince myself. I know it won’t be easy and maybe in years to come I may realise I was stupid to leave but actually the prospect of what life may be, is enough to justify this huge life changing decision and for now I’m running towards it to grab it with both hands. It’s true you only have one life

This will sounds an odd thing to say, but stick with me...

My DH doesn't initiate stuff/things to do or surprise me with little gifts or say romantic things. But he makes me laugh, is kind and always listens to me and tries to help if I am struggling. He pulls his weight around the house and is respectful of me and interested and caring with our kids.

What I'm trying to say is that I think the stuff your dh doesn't do is a red herring op and even if dh did them it wouldn't fix the lack of connection you have with each other.

Don't stay hoping it might change. This is your life, it is happening now. You deserve to enjoy every day and to feel happy and content.

Also, in regards to waiting until your kids go to uni - I have met a few people who felt very bitter that their parents divorced around that time in their lives. Just an observation but they all seem to feel very aggrieved and a bit entitled if I'm honest.

Thanks all, how bloody depressing there are so many of us.

I think the split may happen naturally as I stand to inherit a property in France in the future and it is my intention to move (bloody Brexit willing). DH doesn't speak French.

Financially we can't afford to split so it's an absolute no, the extra work I'm doing will hopefully lead to me being able to apply for higher/better paid jobs that may make it possible.

He's due back today, am dreading it but he knows I'm not happy and need some side and hopefully will respect that. We were meant to be going out one night this week but I left it to see if he would sort babysitter/book anywhere and of course not

to all those who need them, we should set up a support group

Another trapped woman. By money and age.
Mrsmisery Also dreaming of a lottery win! Then I would be gone and leave him to his own devices. If it was enough, I would probably give him some , so no guilt.
So sad . I swore I would not be unhappy with a man when I was young. But the reality of life means I am stuck.
Weirdly feel comforted that I am not alone as I seem to be surrounded by happy couples.

I feel exactly the same. My 3 children are younger all under 10. Some days i feel like i hate him but other days we have a nice day together which then i feel like im over thinking everything. I'm having more days lately of feeling like i want him to go but I'm so scared to say it to him. What if i regret it completely and I'm miserable and lonely.

Sound like the life is being sucked out of you. Till death do us part? Are you religious, if not screw it? This trap of people wanting to stay together for the sake of guilt is none sense. Would you stay with him if he was violent? He's not physically abusing you but he is harming your emotional state but you have a choice no matter how hard that is. (Easy for me to say I know)

Have you spoken to him about all this?

It's not ideal but you can stay with him but fill your life with your hobbies and make new friends and do things on your own. My mum has had a similar life like you and she knows she stuck it out and chose it. She probably should have left 30 years ago and I wouldn't have blamed her. It is impossible to get him to do anything and now he is retired he sits and watches tv all day. He doesn't make much effort to visit his grandkids.

I'm not sure financially what your situation is, but in this situation I would be carving out my own life. If he moans about it, you can tell him you talked about it and he either gets on board by looking after the kids childcare e.t.c or you are leaving him. I know an elderly lady that does holidays by herself.

You only have one life to live - Make it a good one.

@itsallchange like you, I tried for a very long time to convince myself he was a good man (he certainly wasn’t a bad man) and that it was I who had a problem, and wasn’t appreciative of his qualities

Despite all his good points, I could no way be with him any longer, whatever it cost/took I had to get out of it. I’m not saying it’s easy, it’s not, I’m lonely, but I was lonelier with him. I maintain that in every situation the saying ‘you’ve not had enough until you’ve had enough’ applies, so, despite what people say to you, you will do what you have to do in your own time.

I also think, just having a plan/goal makes a difference.

He had just texted to say he's looking forward to coming home and that it's been a tough weekend. I checked back through the messages from him, despite me saying clearly I was struggling and things it's tough he's not once asked how me and the DC's are doing. I've just sent back a rather sweary reply pointing this out. I've spent a good portion of this weekend crying as I've let the venue out the bottle and I've got no idea how to get it back in

Doesn't help that the 14yo is being an utter arse too.

And sadly, yes, despite my language am terrified and fine upstanding member of the Community

^ genie

@cassettesarecool - 'hoped he would just die or shag someone else so it would end' - howling with laughter...sorry!

Sorry to jump onto the conversation, I haven't left as yet …..I'm 10years into a relationship, 2 kids, half finished house and we are miserable ( well I definitely am, and I can only assume he is)! I can't bring myself to even broach the subject - we've bobbed along quite happily until recently - part me ignoring issues and part the other half making even less effort. Thing is, I knew he was a rubbish partner before settling down but compromised as he is a great Dad (something I missed out on). So I feel I only have myself to blame for our current situation....

Haven't decided what to do, but there is no way I will carry on like this for years. My parents divorced and that side of it never bothered me. It was all the hate the held for each other - still to this day 30 years later!!!! Ideally I would like the relationship to end on good terms, but is that even possible???!!!!

Leave ffs. Just do the decent thing for all of you and split.
If you ' care' let him meet someone else who will keep him company in old age. And same for you. Let the kids see a healthy relationship and stop being martyrs. Give everyone chance to be happy while theres still chance

I ended my marriage recently. Lots of reasons. I felt incredibly guilty that I couldn't make it OK, that H had no one else in the world (friends or family = zero) and struggled with that for a bit.

Two months on - just two months after he eventually left (although my counsellor pointed out that it wasn't that quick as it had been going on for years) I feel amazing. Whoever said like taking off a lead cloak (can't see it on my phone), that is absolutely right.

I am over the guilt and I am already so happy, so much to look forward to.

One of my key drivers for asking H to leave was that I would be absolutely devastated if DD was in a marriage like mine.

He sucked the joy out of me on a daily basis.

Hardest thing I've ever done but not regretted one single day - ever!

Sucks the joy out, that is a phrase I've directed at DH more than once, it absolutely sums it up