Has anyone left DH and then regretted it?

[Chartreuser]

My mum left when I was little and so I always swore to myself I would stay with DH no matter what as I didn't want them to come from a broken home.

I have known DH for nearly 25 years, been together nearly 20. He is not a bad dad, or husband. Shares chores equally (mental load not, all the organising, finances etc fall to me).

I just feel I am slowly dying. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I have once ever orgasammed with him, he is not good in bed but tbh I would rather it was over quickly. He has nevertheles once surprised me, evening out, little gift etc just because. I used to but now just don't see the point. He never suggests anything. Places to go, things to do, etc etc.

This has all come to a great as he has gone away with work despite me telling him last year I had to work this weekend, so I am now trying and failing to look after DCs whilst working at home, we are all having a shit time. I am raging at him, but equally loving not having him around, dripping around following me waiting for me to do, or arrange our cook or whatever.

I am sad and angry that I have realised how key down I feel by him, and how how much easier life would be if he didn't live here. We have spoken about this so many times in the past, he cries and tells me he loves me and would do anything for me, and then nothing changes.

I worry, however, that I will end up old and bitter and lonely, but tbh I feel so lonely being with someone so being alone can't be worse?

Anyone leave a marriage for similar and regret it? Or not?

Those of you who are suffering to this degree, need to find a way out and that includes the OP.

I am from parents that stayed together in abject misery for all of their lives. They didn’t even split when my sibling went to University despite my mother always alluding to this. She was with him another 12 years or so before he died. She is now the most miserable person I know. She has terrible regrets about wasting her life and is so bitter and twisted. She hates everyone and everything.

Financially everything is doable. Divorce starts at 50/50 and includes every asset including housing and pensions.

There is always a way. It’s just having the guts to do it. If you don’t and you stay miserable then you only have yourselves to blame. A life of new opportunities and challenges to overcome is surely better than a life full of misery and regret.

Wishing someone would die for your own happiness is sad to the extreme

chart I hope things are ok (as ok as they can be anyway, when he gets back).

I get the genie thing. I feel like I'm desperately clamping down on pandoras box which is waiting to explode, and once it does, I know there's no going back. And I'm terrified of doing it..actually saying that I can't do it anymore. And I really don't know that I could survive financially on my own. I grew up in abject poverty..I wont do that to my DC's. We're not loaded, by any standards but we can generally pay the bills. I know i'd be relying on food banks etc on my own. Not sure I can knowingly walk my family into that situation.

chart pm me if you like!

That was me 4 years ago dc at time 16 and 13 so often doing their own thing. Married 25 years and like you hoping he’d be away with work or even worse have a car accident (don’t judge me). It took a comment from my 16 year old to make me realise they were as unhappy as I was. Like you I was staying for the kids but the kids wanted out. That made it easier and I’ve not regretted it for a minute even though sometimes it’s hard and I can get a bit lonely at least I can do it on my terms and he’s not moping around like yours expecting me to have ideas and prepare meals etc. Don’t stay for the children do whatever is best for you we only get one life.

It happened to a friend of DH & I. She left her DH after 20 years for a bloke we all thought was a tool. They split after about 5 years and she tried to get with her ex DH who was having none of it. He’d met a lovely younger woman in the meantime and since then she’s embarrassed herself on many occasions trying to split them up. She threw it all away and now lives in a house share.

I’m currently trying to decide what to do regarding my marriage too.

I’m 55. One DS currently sitting A Levels. DH is retired so here all the time.

No sex. Not for years. His choice not mine. Seriously years. 1995. DS was IVF. We’ve had counselling a couple of times and he said it wouldn’t bother him if he never had sex again. DS was about two at the time. I stayed because I had brought a child into the marriage and DH adores him. And DH was adopted so DS is his only blood relative.

We lived overseas as expats for years and day to day I was fine. Great friends and social life. DH is great at day to day stuff. Good dad. Cooks. Shops etc. Makes me laugh. At least he used to.

We moved back to the uk a few years ago to an area he grew up in although he doesn’t have any friends or family here. His parents are dead and he just has his step mother and I’m closer to her than he is. He doesn’t make an effort with anyone so although he has had friends at work in the countries we have been in he never makes an effort so isn’t in touch with anyone now really bar one or two.

We have been talking about selling this house and moving areas as none of us like it here. DS hates it more than us.

Once we started talking about where and what next I started to think we want different things. I want to travel. He wants to replicate what we have here - big house and garden. He loves the garden and working on it. I hate it.

And then one evening we were talking and he said he was making the decision next time re house etc as I got my way last time. And then he claimed his biggest regret was not moving to a particular country he had been offered a job in and I had refused. It is very much not a country many people would choose unless they had to. We didn’t. I had moved four times for his job. So to have that thrown at me after over ten years has made me so angry. This was a few months ago and I’m still angry. He has regrets? Bloody hell so do I.

Financially we will be ok. He is very fair so I don’t think he would try to shaft me.

A friend split from her H a few months ago and I envied her. I spoke to her yesterday and she suggested I try mediation with DH and it made me panic that I would have to stay. I used to hug him and kiss him and tell him I loved him. I can’t even imagine touching him now.

We had a big blow up a few months ago and talked about splitting in the heat of the moment and then next morning he looked at finances etc and we talked a bit about it. Given DS and his A levels we called a truce but I know he thinks I have forgotten it all. We are going on holiday in July with DS and a couple of his friends so I will wait until,after that.

My main worry is DS. I’m Irish and my instinct is to move back there as I have friends and family there. I really want to avoid him feeling abandoned etc. He is not going to uni yet as taking a gap year with no real plans as yet so I don’t want to uproot things just yet.

It’s so bloody hard to decide what to do and cause least amount of hurt and harm.

At the moment I feel all DH and I do together is drink. We never go out. Occasionally with friends but never alone. We get to the evenings and I just want wine to get through. We cook, drink wine, watch tv and repeat.

Sorry this has ended up so long! Should have started my own thread really but started typing and it all came out!

My XH left me after 17 years together and I too had been really unhappy for a few years but couldn’t seem to pluck up the courage and I don’t regret that he did.
We had a couple of months where he was living with us but had a rental lined up and by the end I was counting the days until he left and I have never ever regretted his decision.
On the other hand I think he does, having left for a not terribly nice woman who he married and has been miserable with for years
I do get lonely occasionally but not half as much as I did when I was married

I was with ex for 10 years. By year 8 he was just incredibly disinterested. Couldn't give a monkeys about me, not pulling his weight with DCs, not engaging at all
It was fucking miserable. I tried foe two years to just get through it, thinking it was a bad patch, but it (and he) was relentlessly miserable.
I desperately wanted it to work for DC and eventually got us into counselling.
Even there, he was detached. Couldn't explain his behaviour and admitted he was unhappy. He'd deny it until he was blue in the face but we both know he would have continued with things as it was easier than being honest and what he considers "the bad guy"
We split as I wasn't living the rest of my life with indifference and with someone unwilling to consider anyone's else's feelings and needs besides his own. I couldn't bring DC up in a house like that.
It was unbelievably scary. I'd never lived on my own and financially its a challenge but, crucially, I would never go back.
Me and DC are happy. The house is ours and there's no miserable selfish bastard to contend with.
I have a new DP who is wonderful and has just highlighted to me how badly I was treated. I can't believe I put up with it for so long.
However,even if he weren't on the scene, the decision to end my marriage was the exact right thing to do. I was single for four years before meeting DP and, while I was lonely at times , it was infinitely preferable to living a life of misery
I still have to have contact with ex due to DC but now I can see his behaviour and selfishness for what it is . It's his issue where I used to be convinced (and he's assign the blame) that it was something I'd done.
Life is too short to be with someone who makes you miserable.

How are you, OP?

I asked my husband to leave after 27 years together, he bored me was moody all the time and never did anything with me and the kids. He left 5 weeks ago and started seeing another woman straight away and it has killed me, I don’t know why it has and I can’t stop thinking about them together I can’t eat and have lost a stone, I don’t think I want him back but hate myself for feeling so sick.

Frankly people... there are times you need to fight to fix your marriage and sometimes you have to accept that is well dead and you need to walk away from the carcass...

Staying for the children.... rubbish, people do not stay for the children, what good they will get modelling their relationships around the example of malfunctioning relationships? Most people stay because they are afraid of change, particularly those changes related to money.

I believe divorces are like weddings, you plan and save for them, and take the plunge when all the ducks are aligned (only exception would be violent relationships when you need to jump the boat ASAP).

The only thing I can say is that it is FAR more difficult to take the decision to leave than dealing with the consequences of it.

Oh Petaimp you poor thing. Could it be he has moved on as he had checked out already??

I am ok, currently working 12 hour days so out the house from 6-8-39 so barely seeing DH.

He had happily agreed to Relate, I spoke to (divorced) friend from Church who says she is so glad they had counseling as it helped them decide to split not only as they had both come to the conclusion it was the best thing to do but the counseling helped them manage the split too.

So, when things have calmed down we will go with the hope that we may yet be able to salvage our relationship, and if through the process it seems that splitting is the best then so be it.

Thank you for all your advice and input, I am so sad that so many feel like this, if only there were a way to identify when problems first start sorting to try and fix at source rather than only when we realise there is a huge gulf

Ok so I know this is a massive cliche but it's better to b from a broken home than living in one.

There was a big age gap between my parents and as I got older I was aware that my mother was literally waiting for my (abusive) dad to die so she could move us all closer to her family. Sadly he long outlived me and my sibling leaving home. It was awful growing up with parents who stayed together for our sakes, home is supposed to be your sanctuary not one of coldness and misery.

No regrets here. Almost 4 years down the line and my instincts were spot on, my choice was absolutely the right one. MArriage had been dead for around 7 years at that point. It took him approx 18 months to move out properly.

Went for mediation and that failed. He was a self-satisfied, obstinate, controlling shithead (I was far too meek and biddable which didnt help)

Kids are thriving, i no longer suffer from IBS/Panic Attacks/Depression. I am single and very occasionally lonely but i am building a life for myself and my kids are proud of me.

our home used to be a hellhole. Now its a fortress of respect and love. Fuck that's cheesy. But true. Kids have begged me not to get back together with him (thought didn't cross my mind) and a couple of them have encouraged me to get back out there again (bless them, but not just yet too much healing to do still)

Being with ex was like death by a thousand papercuts, i can see so much more clearly now that he was not only a shit to me, but hes a self-obsessed entitled passive aggressive asshole to pretty much anyone who falls out of his 'favour'

Petaimp I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. But give it time. 27 years is a looong time. It's bound to take time to adjust, just to all the changes. What do you enjoy doing? Can you make some time to do stuff that makes you feel good? Spend time with friends who give you a boost? You have obviously done the right thing. Allow yourself time to adjust 💐

Things have turned for the worse a bit here. I have spoken to dh about how I feel and to his mother (who I get on - I wanted to put my side across incase something happens).
Dh has been so distant and there is nothing to look forward to. If I ask for things to change he makes some silly comment or gets defensive. All the while I am left doing everything.

Chartreuser sounds like a good plan... I hope it runs smoothly for you whichever way it goes.

Sourdoh nice to hear another success story.

I really don't think I have a way out but I am dammed if he's taking me down with him.

I have moved an old TV into the bedroom and put together a list of feel good films/TV shows to watch - I'm going to have baths/pamper sessions, go to bed early and watch what I want. Instead of his repeats/sport downstairs.

I've put a load of his unused gym stuff, my yoga stuff etc in the unused dining room to start using ever day. Just made a shouty uplifting playlist to listen to while I exercise.

I've made a meal plan to start the Fast 800 diet, bought vitamins to take.

Booked a hair cut, just for a trim and a blow dry in Friday.

Am currently sitting with footner socks on, a weird cloth hydratingface mask, and coconut oil on my hair. Have some dive gradual tanner ready to go.

I've paid a deposit on a cheap week in a caravan for me and the DC's in the summer hols. He wouldn't be seen dead in a caravan (although we can't afford anything else and the kids deserve a holiday). It even has an outside pool! Fingers crossed for the weather.

The weirdest one.... I've signed up for a 'happiness' course, with a charity called Action for Happiness. Not sure what to expect, or if I'll even go, but an advert popped up and it felt a bit like fate.

I am determined that I (at least) will be in a better place, emotionally and physically by the time me and the DCs go on that holiday.

I know none of this will really change anything, I just hope it will help my mindset, and give me something else to focus on other than my misery!

If anyone has any positive/uplifting book recommendations - let me know.

To.evryone of else unhappy 💐🍫

Wow mrsmisery good for you!

Chilledout11 what did your mil say? What do you want to happen?

I feel a bit brighter for making some changes, I feel a bit more in control I suppose. I know it won't fix things, but it's the best I can do right now. Might help you too? X

I think found this thread at the right time. Im in the middle of deciding whether to break up with my dp of 17 years. We have a house in his name and we have a 6 yr old son. Ive stayed so far because of ds but deep down I just know i'm miserable.

Like a few others he's one of the good guys and nobody can see this other side I see at one where he does absolutely nothing to help around the house. I'm so sick and tired of doing the housework, the mental load all falls to me. Someone hit the nail on the head in that I dream of him cheating on me so I have a reason to end it.

Not sure I can afford to leave but i'm working on that by looking for new jobs and being proactive, I tried to tell him last night (and have also brought it up before) that I do love him just im not in love with him anymore, after 17 yrs together we've just grown apart as people. he just wont accept it.

He has no friends and his family dont really bother with him so I end up backing down as I feel sorry for him, but daily I feel like im now his mother in the fact I have to ensure everything is done for him, cos if its left to him it will never get done. to everyone feeling so trapped and lonely. its a horrible place to be.

It gives me hope, those who mentioned their anxiety left when their husband did. I can only wish for the same.

Chartreuser - him not speaking French is a good enough reason to LTB anyway - joking of course...another miserable lonely frustrated resentful wife here who lacks the courage to change her bloody life... Despite KNOWING that my kids would be happier/life would probably be more tranquil etc etc

Also 'trapped' by fear of change/expectations of elderly parents and not wanting to worry them/DH's ill-health/weary inertia caused by decades of 'dealing' with him... Am definitely no angel - but surely this mutual suffering has gone on long enough...

Me too .. married to a good man for 22 years, but feel like I'm slowly dying as someone said. How on earth do I break his heart & turn my kids world upside down, feels so selfish when he clearly still wants to be with me. Elderly parents & teenagers to think of, all my friends would look at me like I'm mad..
I'm going to get some counselling for myself to help me convince myself I'm allowed to be happy .. Really helps to hear others are in the same boat

Separating from generally good kind husband, who sucks the joy out of me.

He's emotionless. There's no joy for good things or real empathy for sad things. I've discovered he's really not as smart as he makes out which is unattractive. DCs devastated though, so I feel shit.