Has anyone left DH and then regretted it?

[Chartreuser]

My mum left when I was little and so I always swore to myself I would stay with DH no matter what as I didn't want them to come from a broken home.

I have known DH for nearly 25 years, been together nearly 20. He is not a bad dad, or husband. Shares chores equally (mental load not, all the organising, finances etc fall to me).

I just feel I am slowly dying. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I have once ever orgasammed with him, he is not good in bed but tbh I would rather it was over quickly. He has nevertheles once surprised me, evening out, little gift etc just because. I used to but now just don't see the point. He never suggests anything. Places to go, things to do, etc etc.

This has all come to a great as he has gone away with work despite me telling him last year I had to work this weekend, so I am now trying and failing to look after DCs whilst working at home, we are all having a shit time. I am raging at him, but equally loving not having him around, dripping around following me waiting for me to do, or arrange our cook or whatever.

I am sad and angry that I have realised how key down I feel by him, and how how much easier life would be if he didn't live here. We have spoken about this so many times in the past, he cries and tells me he loves me and would do anything for me, and then nothing changes.

I worry, however, that I will end up old and bitter and lonely, but tbh I feel so lonely being with someone so being alone can't be worse?

Anyone leave a marriage for similar and regret it? Or not?

I did. Deeply regretted it. Got back together 3 yrs later. Been happy ever since 😀

We spent years in marriage counselling trying to fix it. It didn’t need to be fixed, I wanted out. So many years after divorce the only thing I regret is wasting so many years of my life trying to fix it, someway I felt I needed his “approval” to leave, when in fact the only thing I needed to do was to say “This is not working at all, I’m leaving” and stand my ground.

I am in my late 30s and know so many people my age whose parents stayed together until they were in university 'for the sake of the children'. To the point that many of their parents split up immediately they left home. EVERY SINGLE ADULT I know whose parents did this, wishes they had divorced years earlier rather than grimly sticking it out and making their childhood miserable.

My DH (whose parents finally separated his first week of university) is firmly of the opinion that people who claim to stay married 'for the sake of the children' are just using it as an excuse.

It's cowardly to put that on your children. They know you are unhappy -- they live with you!

And the insinuations, intended or otherwise, ends up being that the child is the reason you were miserable all those years. ("If it wasn't for little Tommy, I would have been able to get a divorce and be happy. Alas...") You might not intend it, but that's the way children internalize it. As adults they know it's not their fault, but that internalized guilt is hard to shed.

For the sake of your children you should leave!

I left mine 2 months ago. I am nearly 50, he is 50 and we have one DS of 8.
He is not a bad man but a combination of frustration that he was always working away and leaving everything to me, and actually being quite happy when he was away, made me realise that I just didn't want to be married anymore.
On the up side, he has reduced his work hours and looking after DS 50:50, so our son actually gets to see more of him now. Wish he has done that 8 years ago - it's too late for me now but not too late for him and our son.
I haven't regretted it one iota.
Sorting out the housing is proving to be an issue as I am cast as the one who left and therefore the bad one - but that will all settle down in due course.

I'm just chipping in here with the posters who warn against waiting until the youngest has flown the nest. From my experience with friends whose parents did this, it left them very angry and guilty: either it was a bolt from the blue which made a mockery of all their happy family memories, or they resented the atmosphere they'd grown up in and hated being forced into the role of "the reason" their parents had remained together unhappily.

I worry a lot about the impact on DS if I leave. I’d hate him to feel like he was the only reason we stayed together. It hasn’t been like that at all. It has only been in the last few months that I have been thinking of ending things. For a few different reasons. I do think it would be a bolt from the blue. Ugh.

Placemark

It’s not or good for DC or for you to stay in “come what may”.

Staying may well NOT be good for your DC. Would you want them to stay in a relationship and situation like yours? your and your H’s model will influence their choices.

The very bad sex, that he doesn’t do a fair share of domestic/admin work (the mental load is a big part of the work), that you don’t love him romantically and are miserable in the relationship are more than sufficient grounds to end the relationship and seek to be civil and co parent effectively.

I'm glad I've found this thread. I'm not really sure what to say about my relationship at the moment. The final straw for me has been half term which he didn't book off. I've booked off every holiday since Christmas so far this year and couldn't book this week off because I was only off for a fortnight a month ago with Easter.

Because he didn't book it off I've been left having to do the school run again for a week. And had to find the extra £150 to pay her for the extra hours.

It sounds childish when I write it down like that. But I feel like my entire life is like this. I am doing everything. He does not think about me in the kids in the same way I think about him. I want him to go. I feel like I wouldn't notice the difference if he left. But then I feel resentment that he would be able to live his life when I was left with the day to day drudgery.

@Mrsmisery Great to hear you made some changes. You said it wouldn't really change anything but I disagree, outside change comes from inside change sometimes and even though you have not left him, you may have left him in your head a bit more, if that makes any sense.
Stupid question - if he died tomorrow, how would you cope financially?

@Chartreuser You sound like I was 5-6 years ago except I started making a social life for myself, going out drinking and getting involved in a local club and making friends. I was happier but it didn't make any difference to the state of the marriage and exH and I split amicably 4 years ago - we talked lots about The Problem but never resolved anything and when he admitted that he didn't look forward to being with me but didn't want to make the effort for us to reconnect , it was definitely all over.

I think I'm happier - I'm doing things with my boyfriend of 2 years that I wouldn't have done with ex and I LOVE that bf plans trips for us and takes the responsibility of organising off me which Ex never did.

BUT I am plagued with self-doubts as I don't know what I could have done differently - I know that it was probably as much him as me but he's getting married again this year whilst the mere thought of living with someone let alone marrying them fills me with dread. So it must have been something I was doing wrong to make Ex not want to be with me and I wish I knew what it was so I don't make the same mistake again. I need to know if it is a basic fault in my personality or if its something I can actually change.

Sorry, this probably doesn't help you but I just wanted to try and say that unless you both accept there are issues and are prepared to work to overcome the issues, then its best to part amicably before one or other of you starts an affair and everything gets nasty and bitter.

Left mine ten years ago this month. Never regretted it for a minute. It’s been hard financially, emotionally any way you can imagine but I have not regretted it once.
I wonder if I should have done it earlier but I console myself that I haven’t had csm payments or contact issues to deal with, like so many I read about on here.
You get one life it’s up to you to live it. Don’t waste it you’re a long tome dead.

Same boat here. What is keeping me there is the fact I am ill/disabled and would physically. Struggle on my. Own.

Plan is to get physically better, have some savings aside and leave. The. Latest being when. Both dcs will be at. Uni (much. Less work for me to cope with)

Btw one thing I have done is to build my life for myself.. Find what I enjoy again. Dress the way I want etc..
I want to. Be as confident and happy as i can be