‘D’h wants to try again but won’t shag me

[BrainScience]

I’ve been through a pretty rough time recently. Dh and I bought a house at the beginning of the year, two weeks after dh left me. Not really a surprise, we hadn’t had sex for 3 years.

Now dh wants to try again, but take things slow. He wants us to start over and date again. So tonight he took me out for drinks, we had dinner and a good time. We came home and I attempted to kiss him. Which is apparently me rushing him and he told me he wants to take it slow.

I’ve been rejected continually for the last 3 years. I can’t do this again and I feel so humiliated that he convinced that this is what he wants. He has a very traditional upbringing and it’s so obvious he’s only stayed with me as I’m what his parents wanted from a dil.

It’s not fair. It’s been 12 years of my life. I’m mid 30’s now, I’ve wasted the best years of my life trying to convince a man who just isn’t interested to shag me. I just give up.

I wouldn’t especially say I’m still in love with him but I still find him interesting and we have similar views about things.

You deserve better. He has well and truly killed your love for him. This failure of your marriage is his failure, not yours. You can bank your 9 years of happiness as evidence that you're perfectly capable of a happy marriage and your 3 years of unhappiness as evidence that you don't give up easily and you're willing to make an effort to make a marriage work. Whereas his effort consists of "dating" you and telling you not to kiss him. Meh.

He did have sex with other woman, not until after we’d split up. We talked about it before he left, he said this woman had made it clear she had feelings for him, I saw messages to back this up. He claims he was only with her for a few weeks as they had no connection and he missed me.

Or she didn't think he was such a great shag and slung him out, who knows? Either way he's playing games now. He refused to have sex for 3 years and then was unfaithful to you, you generously took him back, and now he thinks he has the right to set conditions? Where is his grovelling apology and promise to do better by you? Nobody's that good in bed.

the fact he wouldn’t even kiss me just sort of made me realise that he has no intention of ever having sex with me.

He's withholding affection as well as sex. Maybe he has no intention of ever having sex with you, maybe he is enjoying the power of withholding from you, but either way that's not a proper marriage.

By the sound of things your marriage is over. Do not drag it out for the children. If he works away all week then seeing him every other weekend wont be such a big change for them. And the practicalities of seeing his children are his problem to sort out. So is his relationship with his parents, you are not responsible for whether they approve of him or not, all you have to do is be minimally polite to them.

I know you’re all right . I feel such a bloody idiot. I was doing really well since the split - I started doing my hobby again after many years, I was busy with the new house and dc’s, I’d lost some weight and was even patching myself up to get myself on some dating websites. Then back comes dh and I feel really positive about the whole thing. But he’s just tricked me. It’s not bloody fair.

What's going to keep you together once the children have left? I'd rip the plaster off now, tbh.

If you can afford to live comfortably financially, it removes a great deal of the pressure of lone parenting (in my experience!)

You can also go on and meet someone else who finds you attractive, interesting and the rest of it and start having fun again. Don't waste any more time on this. Whatever his issue, you've tried for 3 years and that's plenty.

So OP, you've been talking to each other, so what reason has he given for not having sex with you (not on the last date but in the 3 years before he left). Have you ever directly asked him this question and what was his answer. If not what is your gut instinct about the reason he stopped having sex with you. I'm a bit flummoxed by this now

So he rejects you for 3 years and then leaves you to shag someone else, comes back for convenience and rejects you some more.

OP. I think you know the answer to this. Give the twat a taste of his own medicine.

I feel such a bloody idiot.

You are not the idiot in this. You gave him a fair chance and he blew it. His choice, his stupidity. And no it's not fair. This is his failure. No need to let him mess you about any more. Do whatever you need to do to end the marriage properly and get him out of your hair.

OP have you sat and spoken to him about this as it seems you can talk to him about your issues. He may have a porn addiction given his internet history or may be scared of sex leading to pregnancy leading to trauma. There is definitely something amiss here and if your relationship is worth it, get to the bottom of it.

It's more likely that she dumped him than he saw the light.

Afraid this pp seems onto something:

My money is on the scenario where he took legal advice and was told that moving out of the family home, where you are taking primary care of your children, was very damaging to his financial interests. This is why he has come back, but with a no sex rule.

Is it possible he's still seeing the other woman and has promised her he won't have sex with you? But he needs to safeguard his finances etc? I'm sometimes amazed at the strange things people will put up with from others, or think they can get away with themselves. My dad wanted to keep living with my mum and us kids whilst also seeing the woman he was having an affair with. He said our house was his house and he wanted to keep living in it. Whilst also continuing to cheat. Seems unbelievable but it's true

Dh point blank won’t talk to me about it. It’s always the wrong time or is just because I want sex at the wrong time and then he’ll sulk for days after I ask.

I don’t think it’s money - he wouldn’t have to adjust his lifestyle if he left, he’s fairly frugal and no expensive hobbies.

The woman he was with on our break is a woman who I’ve always thought is much better suited to him than I ever was. He even said to me years ago that the only reason he’d never considered dating her was because she’s not white British and his parents would assume she’s a gold digger.

But he’s gone now. I have to tell the dc’s in the morning as he won’t commit to a date to see them. I feel ever so humiliated and left behind.

Don't be humiliated. You've done your best for the kids in trying to give him another chance. You can hold your head up high when they are older and honestly say that you tried your best to save the relationship.

It is what it is. You've tried and now you won't have the "what if" doubts. Onwards and upwards. You coped before and you will again. He's probably done you a favour anyway.

Please don't be, he has shown you clearly that he won't be truthful with you, that he isn't interested in saving the marriage. You tried so you can walk away with your head held high!

I’ve got one like this. Take it from me, it crushes your soul to be constantly rejected, have zero intimacy, to never feel attractive and wanted. If I knew then what I know now, I would have run a mile and saved myself an awful lot of heartache. Don’t waste any more time on him - LEAVE!

I know someone where the no sex thing eventually broke up the marriage. She couldn't cope with feeling rejected and unattractive although she loved him and they had a generally good relationship. A sort of Madonna/whore thing we think. Or possibly the denied gay thing due to a very religious mother. He went on to marry someone else and by all accounts their marriage is sexless too.

This whole thing has just completely destroyed my self esteem. It’s not just that he wouldn’t have axe with me. I’m also now fairly certain he only married me because I was the kind of woman his parents would have expected him to marry. He talked me into marriage and kids, I was always clear that I never wanted to marry and was unwilling to give up my career for kids. Now I’m mid 30’s, no job and no hope of getting a job, I can’t go anywhere as I have dc 24/7 and I’m stuck with a name that isn’t even mine. On the plus side I’ve just signed up to do a beekeeping course and no one can tell me it’s stupid.