Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

‘D’h wants to try again but won’t shag me

115 replies

BrainScience · 26/05/2019 00:03

I’ve been through a pretty rough time recently. Dh and I bought a house at the beginning of the year, two weeks after dh left me. Not really a surprise, we hadn’t had sex for 3 years.

Now dh wants to try again, but take things slow. He wants us to start over and date again. So tonight he took me out for drinks, we had dinner and a good time. We came home and I attempted to kiss him. Which is apparently me rushing him and he told me he wants to take it slow.

I’ve been rejected continually for the last 3 years. I can’t do this again and I feel so humiliated that he convinced that this is what he wants. He has a very traditional upbringing and it’s so obvious he’s only stayed with me as I’m what his parents wanted from a dil.

It’s not fair. It’s been 12 years of my life. I’m mid 30’s now, I’ve wasted the best years of my life trying to convince a man who just isn’t interested to shag me. I just give up.

OP posts:
oneforthepain · 26/05/2019 09:10

Whilst it is true that some men behave like this because of genuine issues, there are also plenty of men who choose to behave like this as a way to crush self esteem and exert control over their partner.

In light of him having persuaded op to take him back and then upped the ante with this, I know where my money is.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Branleuse · 26/05/2019 09:15

you dont have to go back to him if you dont want to. You dont have to try again. Its pretty clear he isnt going to meet your needs. You matter.

oneforthepain · 26/05/2019 09:17

Mid 30s is so young - you've got so much life ahead of you and so much scope for it to be amazing. The "best years" of your life aren't over or behind you.

You don't have to stay in this situation just because you feel you've invested so much. The "starting again" bit is only a temporary step on your way to a better life.

You deserve to be happy and fulfilled.

Original poster
BrainScience · 26/05/2019 09:19

He’s not on any medication or depressed. We used to have a great sex life. This tailed off when I was pregnant with dc2 as I was really ill and in hospital for most of the pregnancy. Then it’s just never come back. I don’t think it is a control thing, he’s genuinely a really decent person.

When he left in January he immediately went to another woman who he works with. Then a few weeks ago he told me doing that made him realise it was a huge mistake and that he only wants me. But he still won’t come near me.

I have considered the possibility he may be gay. He is fairly homophobic himself and his parents are awful (to the point they refused to speak to my gay brother at our wedding). Dh claims he doesn’t mind gay people as long as they don’t ‘flaunt it’. Which is in complete opposition to his views on everything else and I just take as some kind of reflection on his upbringing. Can you be homophobic and gay at the same time?

I have often thought that he married me because I look good on paper and just came along at the right time. I don’t know, sorry I’m just rambling.

OP posts:
Original poster
BrainScience · 26/05/2019 09:20

Thinking about it, his parents would definitely disapprove of us splitting up. So maybe that’s why he came back.

OP posts:
PositiveVibez · 26/05/2019 09:23

Can you be homophobic and gay at the same time?

Yes. Have you heard the saying about protesting too much? Especially if he has beeN brought up aware that his parents are overtly homophobic.

CalamityJune · 26/05/2019 09:28

You can be homophobic and gay. It could be a form of jealousy that the "flaunter" is open about their sexuality whilst the person feels they have to hide it.

I don't believe that being gay is the only reason that a man might not want sex though. It's been three years and there has been a lot of water under the bridge, it probably all feels a bit awkward and pressured and forced to be honest. Not suggesting that you have to put up with that, though. It does sound like the relationship has run it's course.

Whitefishy · 26/05/2019 09:29

Yes homophobia is very often a defence mechanism for men trying to repress their sexuality. It’s very common for closeted men to have internalised homophobia.

Thedilemma111 · 26/05/2019 09:33

Yea tell him to get lost .

chipsandgin · 26/05/2019 09:33

‘Traditional’ upbringings (I.e ones that set arbitrary rules based on some ludicrous religion or cultural expectation, or which make people feel ashamed of sex or their sexuality..) have a lot to answer for.

I’d also presume gay, if not then just not finding you attractive but forcing it to try to comply to some twisted moral code instilled by his fucked up parents? Also why on earth would you take him back after he left you, ended up with another woman from work (who presumably he managed to get it up for?) then consider taking him back when he got bored of that & throws you a few crumbs!?

Whatever the cause you deserve better and to be wanted, preferably urgently by someone who really fancies you as much as you fancy them..

Also huge yes to the well known fact that a lot of homophobic men are definitely repressing homosexual feelings - especially if they’ve been
bought up to feel that it is something shameful..

Hope you find the strength to walk away OP Flowers

Ihatehashtags · 26/05/2019 09:34

Or maybe he has bad performance anxiety? My husband and I used to have a good sex life. He had some medical issues and now it’s so quick there is no way I can get pleasure. He feels embarrass and bad for me, and never initiates or wants to have sex because he knows it won’t be good. And he’s right. I love him but I don’t know how long I can go on like this. It’s been nearly 1 year....

CalamityJune · 26/05/2019 09:35

This is one of those threads that I think if the m/f was reversed we would have different answers.

Married couple have agreed to try again after a difficult period and no sex for a long time.

Wife wants to take it slow, they go out for dinner and drinks and have a lovely evening.

Husbands wants sex. Wife says she is not ready yet.

Husband upset. Believes wife must be a lesbian.

Whitefishy · 26/05/2019 09:35

I would think if his views in general are quite liberal then it’s even more likely that it’s internalised homophobia.

poglets · 26/05/2019 09:36

No point speculating to be honest OP. You have to decide what is best for you now. It doesn't matter why, the outcome is the same and you seem to have explored therapy together and talked and talked.

You have tried. Your best years are in front of you if you want them. Free yourself from any guilt and obligation.

Your husband said he came back because he realized he only wants you but that's not possible because it's a sexless marriage. Your husband has made this choice - that is what you need to tell yourself. You don't owe him an explanation.

You need to be strong now and decide to not give any more time to this marriage.

TescosFinest · 26/05/2019 09:37

Gay

Whitefishy · 26/05/2019 09:41

Yes Calamity but you’re missing the context where they haven’t had sex in three years through his own choice, he then moves out to live with another woman, then comes back when he realises his parents aren’t going to be happy with him and says he wants to try and make things work but no kissing allowed.

It definitely does sound a bit unusual and the situation is going to make OP miserable and destroy her self-esteem. Her desire to feel wanted isn’t coming from some sense of male entitlement like in the reverse you describe.

Banana1984 · 26/05/2019 09:45

Maybe not gay.. Maybe he has issues. Why would he want to try again with you.. Maybe his family told him to? Can I ask what background you are?, strange he would buy a house with you and bugger off then come back wanting to date you then be distant. You are not a toy. Tell Jim whatever his issues are you don't have the energy nor the care to deal with them anymore. It's been 12 years of rejection and you don't want your child to see u unhappy.. Because trust me they notice. Fuck him off.. Spend some time healing..
Then date again. Don't get back with him. He just wants to use you for a baby. When you are pregnant you don't need to be dealing with this

BollocksToBrexit · 26/05/2019 09:48

Can you be homophobic and gay at the same time?

The link between homophobia and being gay is well established.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/the-sexual-continuum/201204/are-homophobic-people-really-gay-and-not-accepting-it

HUZZAH212 · 26/05/2019 09:52

Sorry OP but I'd feel I was flogging a dead horse (easy for me to say I know). He was quick enough to start shagging his colleague (perhaps even before he left?). Don't let him erode your self worth any further. He's not going to change and if you take a permant step back you might find you're pleased it's ended.

poglets · 26/05/2019 09:53

'Tell Jim whatever his issues are you don't have the energy nor the care to deal with them anymore. It's been 12 years of rejection and you don't want your child to see u unhappy.. '

THIS

Take back the decision. You don't want to hear any more about it. It's over.

This man will limp on like this for the rest of your life because it's easy for him. He doesn't want sex and doesn't have to have it. You do want sex and live a miserable existence. Meanwhile, he has his home comforts and veneer of respectability in front of his parents. What about you?

It's you who is suffering OP. It's you whose life is being forced in a direction you don't want and from someone who should want you to be happy. The right person will give to you all the things you need and want and you will do the same for them.

Chocolateychocolate · 26/05/2019 09:54

Methinks the lady doth protest too much...

Whatsnewpussyhat · 26/05/2019 09:56

*he’s genuinely a really decent person.

When he left in January he immediately went to another woman who he works with*

He left to shag someone else who he already had lined up. How the fuck does that make him a decent man?

You are wasting your time op. If you carry on you will spend years in limbo and being even more miserable.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 26/05/2019 09:56

Bold fail.

KarenTheCashRegister · 26/05/2019 09:57

You will probably never find out why he doesn’t want to have sex with you. But what you do know is that he is making you miserable because of it.

Would divorcing him and starting life afresh make you happier?

Helmetbymidnight · 26/05/2019 10:01

whatever it is, hes being dishonest and brutal with you(and possibly himself)

move on, op.Flowers