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Original poster

‘D’h wants to try again but won’t shag me

115 replies

BrainScience · 26/05/2019 00:03

I’ve been through a pretty rough time recently. Dh and I bought a house at the beginning of the year, two weeks after dh left me. Not really a surprise, we hadn’t had sex for 3 years.

Now dh wants to try again, but take things slow. He wants us to start over and date again. So tonight he took me out for drinks, we had dinner and a good time. We came home and I attempted to kiss him. Which is apparently me rushing him and he told me he wants to take it slow.

I’ve been rejected continually for the last 3 years. I can’t do this again and I feel so humiliated that he convinced that this is what he wants. He has a very traditional upbringing and it’s so obvious he’s only stayed with me as I’m what his parents wanted from a dil.

It’s not fair. It’s been 12 years of my life. I’m mid 30’s now, I’ve wasted the best years of my life trying to convince a man who just isn’t interested to shag me. I just give up.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 26/05/2019 10:02

It could be the whole "you're the mother of my child and suddenly not sexual partner material" thing?

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 26/05/2019 10:27

I have mixed feeling about this. I accept everything everyone else has said.... but there is one other possibility in your later postings. You had a good sex life up until your second pregnancy made you very ill and nearly killed you? Then his rejection of sex could be a response to trauma. Though I'm a bit confused when you say you have wasted 12 years - were you good together for 9 years, sexuallly rejected for 3? Or has he been sexually rejecting you for 12 years, and totally for 3?

If it's the former then before binning him off you could insist on marriage counselling to try to sort out for sure if this is trauma which can be worked through together to rebuild intimacy and sex, or trauma that's cut him off from you and there's no going back, or if he's only with you at all to look normal and please his parents. You've not just lost sex you've lost intimacy. You don't know what the fuck is going on in his head because he wont let you know. He's throwing mixed messages all over the place and not really being honest with you - or himself - at all. A marriage without intimacy is a sham.

But if that seems like clutching at straws and you've just had enough then fair enough, it's time for you to draw a line and move on.
Flowers

Original poster
BrainScience · 26/05/2019 10:48

We had a really good and happy relationship for 9 years. Sorry, a bit of an exaggeration for me to say I’ve wasted 12 years of my life because I was very happy for most of them.

I don’t think it’s a problem with his sex drive as I’ve seen his internet history and there’s clearly been a lot of wanking! No male stuff though so not necessarily gay. Which makes me feel even more crap tbh. I like to think I’m fairly attractive, I still have a good figure and I make an effort with my appearance.

I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s only back with me because of his parents. His parents are catholic and very traditional. I don’t think they would actually disown him if we got divorced but it would be very uncomfortable.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 26/05/2019 10:54

Could he be frightened of you getting pregnant again?5 He needs to give up the porn tbh!!!

It probably is tied uni in his catholic upbringing t

PicsInRed · 26/05/2019 10:57

My money is on the scenario where he took legal advice and was told that moving out of the family home, where you are taking primary care of your children, was very damaging to his financial interests. This is why he has come back, but with a no sex rule.

Tread very carefully OP. Do not agree to sell the house or you move out of the house or whatever strange seeming at the time plans he may come up with.

puppylovebaby · 26/05/2019 10:58

Good point- are you sure he isn't gay??

Temporaryanonymity · 26/05/2019 10:59

I think an earlier poster suggested difficulty seeing you as a sexual partner now that you are a mother. I have seen this so many times on MN.

Personally I would end things now.

PicsInRed · 26/05/2019 10:59

Oh and be aware that, if he is very religious, he will need to blame you for his affair and failure to be a decent husband in order to reconcile to his own professed goodness. Be ready for this.

madcatladyforever · 26/05/2019 11:06

Clearly gay or asexual. I'm asexual and was married. Liked being married and loved my husband but didn't need sex. Made an effort at first but in the end it didn't work out.

ChristmasFluff · 26/05/2019 11:11

Seems pretty clear the other woman dumped him and he's seeking the sanctuary of the fall-back wife.

It will last until the next other woman (or man) comes along.

He's not after a partner, he's after a convenience.

MenuPlant · 26/05/2019 11:14

Whatever the reasons, his behaviour is v poor.

You have had enough and I think that's entirely fair.

Dump him.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 26/05/2019 11:20

Sorry, a bit of an exaggeration for me to say I’ve wasted 12 years of my life because I was very happy for most of them.

That's OK, and I'm glad it wasn't all bad.

Then if you still have any hopes to carry on the marriage push the intimacy issue and insist on joint counselling. No counselling, no dates. You need to know what's going on and counselors ask for honesty. If he wont open up in counselling or tries to push it all onto you then that's an answer in itself.

You are in the strong position to insist here because he has been unfaithful and now he wants to have dates and get back with you. So you can set the terms.

If you are sure he is only trying to live with you / date you to please his parents then you could move on to use the counselling (together or separately) to figure out how you want to end it.

Notashandyta · 26/05/2019 11:21

One word- porn

JuniFora · 26/05/2019 11:27

If he has refused sex with you for three years then I'd be wondering who he is having sex with. He wants to get back with you but no sex? Sounds like he doesn't want to cheat on his girlfriend but he's trying to protect his financial/familial/social interests. Don't let him use you.

Grainedmonkey · 26/05/2019 11:46

I'd overlooked the part where he went to another woman. I wonder what went on there. Was he able to have sex with her ? or if not did she kick him out when she realised and that's why he came home with his tail between his legs (no pun intended) Grin

chipsandgin · 26/05/2019 11:59

Ah, not gay or asexual then just a cheat, liar & wanker (literally!) with a damaged moral compass instilled by organised religion and a total lack of respect or interest in you?

Unpleasant man OP - please get some good legal advice..

BummyKnocker · 26/05/2019 12:00

If you are going back to 'dating' then you might not shag on the first date. But you have a history of infidelity which makes this pointless.

Given he is the one who cheated, he has a bloody cheek calling the shots. He should be trying to win you back, not controlling you like this. Ughh. Why are you so keen to have your cheating husband back?

combatbarbie · 26/05/2019 13:37

A frank discussion is what is needed... All cards on the table...

HennyPennyHorror · 26/05/2019 13:43

If he doesn't want sex, he's not gay and you used to be happy....I'm afraid I'd assume another woman.

Treaclesweet · 26/05/2019 13:57

Am I right in thinking he left you for another woman? From your update I think that's what you meant?

Please bin off this awful man and don't let him make you feel shit anymore. You are still very young and can meet someone else and have a healthy and fulfilling sex life.

Original poster
BrainScience · 26/05/2019 15:24

I genuinely wasn’t expecting him to actually have sex with me last night. But the fact he wouldn’t even kiss me just sort of made me realise that he has no intention of ever having sex with me.

OP posts:
bsc · 26/05/2019 16:01

He left you to shag someone else? Why do you want him back? He has no respect for you and your marriage, I'm sorry.

Original poster
BrainScience · 26/05/2019 16:12

I don’t know what I want to do at the point tbh. I know I still want to have sex with him - he is without doubt the best shag I’ve ever had, and I have a fair few to compare him to! I would also ideally like to keep our family together. I wouldn’t especially say I’m still in love with him but I still find him interesting and we have similar views about things. Money is luckily not much of an issue. We own our new house and the flat he bought in London outright and he’d have to pay me a lot of child support if he left, more than I currently have each month. It would be difficult for the dc’s practically if dh left - we live on the other side of the country to his work, atm he’s away Mon-Fri.

He did have sex with other woman, not until after we’d split up. We talked about it before he left, he said this woman had made it clear she had feelings for him, I saw messages to back this up. He claims he was only with her for a few weeks as they had no connection and he missed me.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 26/05/2019 16:16

Oh, well, that's fine then. It's not an affair if he tells you he's going off to have sex with someone else before he does it. 🤨🤨🤨

Great shag or no, he's got to go.
👋👋

BuildBuildings · 26/05/2019 16:27

Why would you want to be be in a relationship with someone who is homophobic anyway?