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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

‘D’h wants to try again but won’t shag me

115 replies

BrainScience · 26/05/2019 00:03

I’ve been through a pretty rough time recently. Dh and I bought a house at the beginning of the year, two weeks after dh left me. Not really a surprise, we hadn’t had sex for 3 years.

Now dh wants to try again, but take things slow. He wants us to start over and date again. So tonight he took me out for drinks, we had dinner and a good time. We came home and I attempted to kiss him. Which is apparently me rushing him and he told me he wants to take it slow.

I’ve been rejected continually for the last 3 years. I can’t do this again and I feel so humiliated that he convinced that this is what he wants. He has a very traditional upbringing and it’s so obvious he’s only stayed with me as I’m what his parents wanted from a dil.

It’s not fair. It’s been 12 years of my life. I’m mid 30’s now, I’ve wasted the best years of my life trying to convince a man who just isn’t interested to shag me. I just give up.

OP posts:
ViolentBrutishAndShort · 26/05/2019 08:12

It's all on his terms isn't it?

Livelovebehappy · 26/05/2019 08:14

Think more likely he just doesn’t fancy you enough to have sex with you. It happens. Or he just has a very low sex drive.

ViolentBrutishAndShort · 26/05/2019 08:15

Langrish that is semantics only. The OP is bright and articulates well what she is getting at. The terms are irrelevant.

Londongirl888 · 26/05/2019 08:20

Sorry agree it it so controlling and unkind. You have different needs. And are not compatible Look after yourself, find a new fulfilling life without him.

slipperywhensparticus · 26/05/2019 08:23

Have you guys ever had sex?

Langrish · 26/05/2019 08:25

ViolentBrutishAndShort

Not a term I would associate with a loving relationship. But everyone’s different, so fair enough.

Grainedmonkey · 26/05/2019 08:27

he just doesn’t fancy you enough to have sex with you

But if he wanted sex he would do it anyway. Surely there's got to be more to it don't you think?

Anyway he is ruining OP's self esteem and she needs to get rid.

FuriousVexation · 26/05/2019 08:28

In order of probability, your STBXH is:
Gay
Asexual
Has suffered sexual trauma

With what you mention about his "traditional" upbringing, I'd put my money on him being gay. I'd double my bet if he's Asian.

Sorry op, this is a right-now issue for you and we're all talking like "lol obvs hes gay". It must be very hurtful for you. You mentioned you had been apart since Jan. Have you taken legal advice since then? Do you have DC with him?

EmptyOrchestra · 26/05/2019 08:32

Think more likely he just doesn’t fancy you enough to have sex with you. It happens. Or he just has a very low sex drive

Comments like this really annoy me. The general population’s knowledge of loss of libido is basically non-existent and people jump to all sorts of conclusions.

I completely lost my libido for medical reasons which are still unclear, for most of a decade. We went six years with no physical relationship at all. I couldn’t control it, I still loved my husband very much, but i had no sexual feelings, thoughts or desires whatsoever and just being touched made me feel ill.

It has resolved a few times during the last decade, mainly when my hormone levels have changed significantly, but I never know how long it’s going to stick around.

I am not saying this is what’s happened to OP’s DH, but it’s very possible to still love someone but lose the capacity to be physically intimate.

The difference is that I did everything I could to try and fix it, and we talked about it at length. It was still extremely difficult but we survived it and at the moment things have improved.

OP, I’m not saying you should stick around. Certainly if you do both want to continue the relationship then you need to get to the bottom of why he doesn’t want sex, and he needs to be proactive in finding potential ways to improve things. If not, I would tell him to get lost.

But don’t believe the assumptions that he must not want you sexually, it’s not that simple.

TemporaryPermanent · 26/05/2019 08:34

This sounds completely traumatic for you. Please protect yourself and don't see him. Therapy sounds like a good idea to me, you must feel raw with misery sometimes. Please get some RL support - legal and emotional - your GP might be able to recommend some routes for therapy, though I just googled (I knew I wanted an integrative therapist though).

RantyAnty · 26/05/2019 08:36

Don't put yourself through this anymore. It truly is soul crushing to be constantly rejected like that.

He might be gay or withholding to punish you for some reason.

My ex did that shit to me to punish me. He knew I loved it so he did everything he could to withhold from me. He had his porn so it was easy for him to do.

I knew he was being cruel as a few times when he was half asleep I made some moves and he was responding but then it was like when he realised what he was doing he jerked away from me. A complete abusive mindfuck.

Do what is best for you and bin him off.

Grainedmonkey · 26/05/2019 08:37

Did anything happen in years 1-9?

WhoKnewBeefStew · 26/05/2019 08:40

I’d not put up with this any more... somethings shouldn’t ever be this hard. Go and find someone who is better suited

LoafofSellotape · 26/05/2019 08:42

Woman or man, a healthy relationship can't exist without sex completely untrue.

OP, I wouldn't put yourself through this again, it doesn't sound like you are compatible and you're not happy.

treblethetrouble · 26/05/2019 08:42

I think he's probably gay, or has no real libido. I don't think this is going to change, and while he obviously loves you, and wants to make it work, this part of him can't. This is not going to change. You need to leave. Be very firm, even in the face of him saying, in desperation, that he's sure he can work it out if you can just give him time. It will just go back to the same old, same old.

He may even hook up with another woman once you've split, but that relationship will also go the same way as yours. A friend of mine had a partner like this, and that is exactly what happened. I always thought he might have been gay too but so repressed that he couldn't even acknowledge it to himself.

Good luck, this is going to be hard, but you are still young - plenty of time to find another relationship, if that's what you want.

Qweenbee · 26/05/2019 08:43

His head wants to try again. His heart and loins aren't agreeing. He may well love you but he's not in love with you.

Look after your emotional needs First. If this isn't enough for you then don't go there again.

BlueJava · 26/05/2019 08:45

Just because he wants to try again it doesn't mean you have to! It has to be what you both want. I think you are wasting your time so move on from him.

Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt · 26/05/2019 08:47

Are his wider family putting him under pressure to save face?

gottastopeatingchocolate · 26/05/2019 08:47

Hi OP,
You say that DH wants to try again - do you?
If you do, I suspect that dating alone isn't going to fix this. He can't go back to the beginning and pretend that the last twelve years didn't exist.

I'm not asking you to post on here, but reflect on your sex life over the last twelve years - was it ever "good"? was there a catalyst for the last three years? Have you talked about it?

Would you consider some counselling as a couple?

kateandme · 26/05/2019 08:49

so take control.why are you llowing him to make the decisions.you didnt mention how you are doing this becasue you love him blah blah etc etc in your post,so why are you doing this?
your not too old to find your happinss nor a man who will love you in and out the bedroom.
either make some decisions or sit him down and tell him how YOUR feeling.

Bwekfusth · 26/05/2019 08:49

To echo what everyone else has said, I think he might be gay.

TooTrueToBeGood · 26/05/2019 08:51

Gay? Asexual? Repressed? Not attracted to you? Who cares, the why really doesn't matter. All that matters is if you are prepared to spend the rest of your life not just celibate but denied any intimacy whatsoever from your life partner.

Grainedmonkey · 26/05/2019 08:54

He seems to be in the relationship solely for appearances and family reasons with no feelings for the OP. Arranged marriage?

Peachesandcream14 · 26/05/2019 09:01

After 3 years of no improvement I'd be calling it a day, if you feel awful at the thought of the 12 years you've 'wasted' think how awful it will be when it's 20, 30 years. And by then you will not be as easily able to start afresh and have a long life with someone who truly loves you.

PepsiLola · 26/05/2019 09:09

Is he on any medication that will lose sex drive? Is he depressed? Is there anymore information to why you originally stopped having sex