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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Girlfriend meeting guy...

136 replies

freddofroggo · 24/05/2019 16:34

Hi. I wondered what people think of this situation.

I've been with my girlfriend for about 2.5 years. Recently, she told me about this guy. About 5 years ago they started liking each other's photos on instagram, and then started direct messaging. This was before I had met her. He lived in a different country and they never met.

Recently while out walking, she mentioned that he was coming over and she was going to show him around for the weekend. I thought that was a bit odd. She says they've been direct messaging pretty much all the time, but she never mentioned him.

Recently, my girlfriend and I had an argument where she broke up with me. She had some things at my house that she wanted back so I said I'd take them to work and she could pick them up or send someone. She said someone would be coming to collect them. I asked who and she said it was this guy when he was over. She also said "we've never flirted or did anything but now I'm single I can't say that won't change."

I did what I think most people, if being honest, would do and checked instagram. It wasn't hard to work out who it was. He's "liked" almost all her recent photos, and before that just a scattering.

Anyhow - she's now asking if we can talk. I love her and don't want to split up.

While I wouldn't dream of asking her not to meet up with this guy, this doesn't really sit happily with me. They're meeting up next week at some point while I'm away.

I'm wondering if I'm wrong to feel concerned about this.

OP posts:
Original poster
freddofroggo · 25/05/2019 10:37

I sent her the link to this post yesterday before many answers came in, so she could well be reading it.

I guess maybe I'm hoping that even though I'm defending her (to the extent that some of you thought I was her) she will see the responses and maybe realise that this is something she's not right to be so stubborn with. That I'm asking a normal thing, even if on the surface it might sound controlling.

Thing is, she says I've twisted how I have written the post but won't actually tell me why she thinks that. She keeps pointing to things I've done in the past. Which I don't think helps becuase we can't just keep saying "well you did that shit thing, so I'm justified in doing this shit thing now..."

OP posts:
forumdonkey · 25/05/2019 12:06

It's not working. Give it up and move on.

MissConductUS · 25/05/2019 12:06

I guess maybe I'm hoping that even though I'm defending her (to the extent that some of you thought I was her) she will see the responses and maybe realise that this is something she's not right to be so stubborn with.

She's binned you, again while she goes off to have her bit of fun with another man. What you should be hoping for is the clarity of mind to recognize that this is a toxic, abusive relationship that you are well out of. How could you possibly see this pattern enduring long term?

Take a break from dating for a few months. Then find a decent girlfriend who will treat with you a normal amount of respect and consideration.

Move. On.

itsnotallbbqsandshrimp · 25/05/2019 12:19

It's not innocent. And even if she's not cheating she is it's incredibly dysfunctional.

You have kids and need to do a better job modelling relationships.

Miniloso · 25/05/2019 12:25

Hun, you sound lovely. She doesn’t deserve you. She’s not the only woman in the world. Let her go & find someone who will cherish you.

Original poster
freddofroggo · 25/05/2019 12:44

I'm not really lovely. I am insecure and have my faults.

She references back to things I've done in the past saying they are the same. I don't think they are but that's not to say I haven't done things I shouldn't.

No relationship is easy or perfect, and I think people can address their insecurities and issues, but they have to recognise them first.

I'm going to wait and see what she says next. We've agreed to give some space.

I also messaged the guy. Sucky thing to do but I had nothing to lose. He all but confirmed that she hadn't asked him to come pick up her stuff, so it seems there wouldn't have been any reason I couldn't have met him. I still she was doing that out of stubborness rather than because she was going to cheat. I really don't think she would cheat.

Thanks for the advice everyone. I'm still shocked that not one single person supported her position. I can see why she feels this is telling her who she can and can't see. But I also think sometimes in relationships you just have to do the right thing by the person you say you love.

I've not always got that right myself, but there's no excuse for not trying, right?

OP posts:
Epona1 · 25/05/2019 13:03

Why are you setting the bar so low for yourself? Do you not think you’re worth more than the immature silly games this girl plays with you?

If this was all innocent like she says it is, then why the HUGE reluctance for letting you go along and meet him and help show him around?

Big red flags waving.

Original poster
freddofroggo · 25/05/2019 13:07

@Epona1 well, in so many other ways she can be so supportive and great, and I love our time together. She also had tough times and some bad things happen, and I think maybe some of it is caused by that.

I don't understand the huge reluctance to letting me go along too. Especially as it appears that she didn't actually ask him to come collect her stuff from me as she said.

She is strong, confident, driven and often wonderful. I guess I hope that with time we can solve the other issues.

OP posts:
PollyEsterblouse · 25/05/2019 13:17

Of course her intentions towards Mr Instagram could be entirely innocent. Both my partner and I have online friends; they've all become firm family friends and come and stay with us when they're in town. It isn't a problem. The problem is the way she treats you.

If my partner or I makes an online friend, we tell the other one about them, probably read out some funny bits from online conversations, and then if we meet up, all of us are there. We don't have "my friends" and "your friends" or secretive messages.

Your girlfriend suddenly springs this guy's existence on you, excludes you from meeting up, chucks you during arguments, and gave you the vague threat of "now I'm single I can't say that won't change," obviously implying she might decide to flirt with him.

This isn't loving or respectful behaviour: it's immature and exhausting. Honestly, it doesn't matter who the online friend is: it could be man, woman, goat, whatever. The issue is her behaviour; the way she's handled this whole thing.

If your relationship is a ceaseless ping-pong of splitting up and reconciling, then that's how it will always be, and I'm sure you can find better than that. I really hope so!

Closetbeanmuncher · 25/05/2019 13:46

Jesus this is next level denial....

Good luck to you op

Bonkers 😂

Treesthemovie · 25/05/2019 15:05

She is a bully and not as wonderful as you think she is.

MissConductUS · 25/05/2019 16:11

I don't understand the huge reluctance to letting me go along too.

Because it'll be bloody awkward when they start snogging.

Lilybeth91 · 25/05/2019 16:24

I don't understand the huge reluctance to letting me go along too

She wants an affair, not a threesome

MumsyJ · 25/05/2019 19:29

Crikey OP! Did someone hack your phone after your first post? You need to wake up and see the light mate!

Bloody draining reading your updates as you seem to ignore the advice everyone is typing on here.

Epona1 · 25/05/2019 19:48

I am insecure

And there you have your answer. She is nothing more than a bully and she knows full well that she can treat you like dirt and you'll let her do it, over and over again and you'll let her go running back every time.

Seriously, get some self respect and let her treat someone else like shite. She doesn't love you, you're her puppet and door mat.

Omzlas · 25/05/2019 20:08

FFS OP. Get some self respect and let her break up with you. Collect your stuff and move on. I mean this as gently as I can. All you've done since your OP is defend her, say that she always breaks up with you, blah blah blah

Is she 12? Because them's playground games. You're her backup and she's manipulating you. Sack her off, I'm sure you deserve better

HawkingEmma · 25/05/2019 22:15

“I guess I have the experience of having known her for 2.5 years and I don't think she's a cheat.”

I had the experience of knowing (and being with) my ex for 10 years. I didn’t think he was a cheat. Except, he was. In fact he managed to rack up 8 women in our 10years. I busted him once, I had no suspicions whatsoever at first. I found out by accident. He got a second chance, which was an idiotic choice, the dust settled and we were good. Unbeknown to me he had a girlfriend of a year and a half.

Your girlfriend is toying with your emotions, breaks up with you whenever she feels a like it and has little regard for your feelings. You are a backup. You’re a safety blanket. Someone she knows she can pick back up again when it suits. You deserve more.

MissConductUS · 25/05/2019 22:36

In fact he managed to rack up 8 women in our 10 years.

I think that lots of serial cheaters are addicted to the thrill of a new romance and the ego boost that they've "still got it".

I think that OP's girlfriend is probably instigating a lot of these arguments so that she can "break up" with him, put another notch in her lipstick case, and not feel guilty about it.

And while I think she's a right bitch for abusing OP like that he allows it to go on. People can't take advantage of you without your permission.

HawkingEmma · 25/05/2019 23:14

I think that lots of serial cheaters are addicted to the thrill of a new romance and the ego boost that they've "still got it"

Yes! My ex was a manipulative twat, as well. He didn’t care who he hurt so long as he was getting something out of it.

You’re bang on when you say people can’t take advantage of you without your permission. What you allow will continue. She knows she can break up with him and pick him back up when SHE wants to because he enables the cycle to continue. That is not a healthy relationship.

Honeyroar · 25/05/2019 23:27

If she is reading this she knows she's won, she's walked all over you, treated you badly, lied to you and you can't even see it. You're determined to put it down as another little blip. She must be rubbing her hands together.

Seriously open your eyes. This is a weird relationship.

MyOtherProfile · 25/05/2019 23:37

OP she is messing with you. All this dumping seems like she just has no respect or real love from you, irrespective of whatever is going on with this bloke.

bluebell34567 · 25/05/2019 23:57

i think she comes from a broken family thats why she keeps breaking up with you. she doesnt know how to mend things.
or she uses the breaks to try other horizons.
her not inviting you not ok, because you are a couple arent you? why is she going to spend time aone with a bloke for a couple of days? i think she is after the thrill of a new romance.

Mythreefavouritethings · 25/05/2019 23:59

Trouble is, now she’s (highly likely still) reading the thread it feels like your responses are geared more towards her and what she wants to hear. There’s a lot to reflect on here.

MissConductUS · 26/05/2019 09:40

@Mythreefavouritethings Trouble is, now she’s (highly likely still) reading the thread it feels like your responses are geared more towards her and what she wants to hear.

Excellent point! He's using it as a back door channel of communication to start the groveling process that will begin the cycle all over again.

All I can imagine is that the woman must be an absolute demon in bed. Grin

AnyFucker · 26/05/2019 10:23

I feel a bit grubby reading this thread

What kind of damaged people use strangers on the internet as a 3rd wheel in their fucked up relationships ?

Sort it out with each other, like proper grown ups.