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Original poster

Girlfriend meeting guy...

136 replies

freddofroggo · 24/05/2019 16:34

Hi. I wondered what people think of this situation.

I've been with my girlfriend for about 2.5 years. Recently, she told me about this guy. About 5 years ago they started liking each other's photos on instagram, and then started direct messaging. This was before I had met her. He lived in a different country and they never met.

Recently while out walking, she mentioned that he was coming over and she was going to show him around for the weekend. I thought that was a bit odd. She says they've been direct messaging pretty much all the time, but she never mentioned him.

Recently, my girlfriend and I had an argument where she broke up with me. She had some things at my house that she wanted back so I said I'd take them to work and she could pick them up or send someone. She said someone would be coming to collect them. I asked who and she said it was this guy when he was over. She also said "we've never flirted or did anything but now I'm single I can't say that won't change."

I did what I think most people, if being honest, would do and checked instagram. It wasn't hard to work out who it was. He's "liked" almost all her recent photos, and before that just a scattering.

Anyhow - she's now asking if we can talk. I love her and don't want to split up.

While I wouldn't dream of asking her not to meet up with this guy, this doesn't really sit happily with me. They're meeting up next week at some point while I'm away.

I'm wondering if I'm wrong to feel concerned about this.

OP posts:
PhilCornwall · 25/05/2019 05:11

I wouldn't be doing with this crap from her. Love her or not, get the running shoes on, leg it and leave her to it.

magicBrenda · 25/05/2019 06:41

Fred what she did was really disrespectful. Normal adults don’t send a male they met on line to go and pick up belongings from a newly broken up ex house.

They don’t arrange to meet males they have met on line whilst they have a partner

In fact they don’t start up friendships with random blokes who pay them a bit of interest when they already have a partner.

Are you that gullible?

Even if she hasn’t shagged him yet it’s pathetic and immature. Why do you want some one like that in your kids lives?

Why are you so desperate to cling on to some one like that?

Original poster
freddofroggo · 25/05/2019 08:08

There's no evidence they've been "sexting" and I do believe people can chat without that.

Isn't it possible that 2 people just chatted a bit, get on, and to help out someone in a strange town show them around? I've been to places alone and it would always be a little nicer to hang with someone that knows the area, no?

The dumping when I disagree with her is something she needs to stop. She knows this.

Doesn't anyone think this could just be an innocent thing? So far not one person has...

OP posts:
Hiphopopotamous · 25/05/2019 08:15

You said you don't think she'll cheat... but you're not together any more! She broke up with you. She's single. She can sleep with this guy with a clear conscience. It's not cheating.

Your relationship sounds rocky anyway if you're constantly breaking up at disagreements and she obviously has no respect for you by inviting another man to spend the weekend with her when her boyfriend found it uncomfortable.

RiversDisguise · 25/05/2019 08:24

On the balance of probs ... I'd say that there is at very least frisson between them and a sexual element, actually probably more, based on how she has treated you (discarded you to spend time with him).

If not, she probably would have volunteered the whole chat history to reassure you. Unless she was either hiding something or trying to make you feel jealous just for fun and games. Neither alternative would be great.

Now of course you can't demand to see her messages. But you can choose whether you are going to be her emotional punchbag anybag.

RiversDisguise · 25/05/2019 08:24

Anymore*

Original poster
freddofroggo · 25/05/2019 08:28

She always "breaks up" with me in argument. I don't take it too seriously any more. It's just her way of asking for space and never lasts long. What she's saying now is that she wants to be with me, so she won't be single when she meets him, but that I have to trust her.

When she said she'd show him around, she didn't know I would be uncomfortable with it. In fact, when she told me about it, I didn't say anything at the time, although it did seem odd. I thought maybe I was being unreasonable, so I didn't say anything.

Using him to try to make me jealous in an argument was out of order, but I guess historically we've both done a bit of that.

She said they both agreed ages ago (before me) that if they were even in each other's towns, they'd show each other around a bit.
Playing devils advocate - if they are just friends, have just chatted a little over 5 years, and did say this, couldn't it just be a normal thing to do?

I'm actually a little surprised that nobody so far has said this could be innocent. On other posts, you always seem to get a range of responses. Doesn't anyone think we should be able to trust our partners with others?

OP posts:
RiversDisguise · 25/05/2019 08:35

I do trust my husband 100% but he has never played any kind of games with me

Reread your initial post. What would you advise your best mate who told you that?

user1471590586 · 25/05/2019 08:40

Your girlfriend sounds very immature to be breaking up with your after any argument. Doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me.

Dieu · 25/05/2019 09:01

She sounds like a total cow, and disingenuous to say the very least. You can't possibly trust her now, so walk away.

forumdonkey · 25/05/2019 09:07

You continue to post repeatedly that you trust her 100%, you're used to her breaking up with you and you believe it's completely innocent between them etc. So, why have you posted on MN?

BettyCrockaShit · 25/05/2019 09:08

While I realise not all situations are the same, just a tale of caution: 7 years ago the guy I was with 'met' a girl on Instagram. Shortly afterwards, he moved to another country to be with her (didn't even have the chutzpah to dump me via text).

Be careful, OP. She's hedging her bets in her best interests - you'd be savvy to do the same.

Original poster
freddofroggo · 25/05/2019 09:15

@forumdonkey I guess because given that I have always trusted her, and I am used to her breaking up and getting back with me, I don't see that I have a valid reason to not want her to meet this guy. Yet for some reason, I just want to be invited too and perhaps in this instance there is a tiny part of me that is jealous or doesn't trust.

And I guess I half expected some people to say "she's not doing anything wrong" in order to reassure me. Maybe I wanted that, because I wanted a reason to stay rather than 50 reasons to leave?

OP posts:
Original poster
freddofroggo · 25/05/2019 09:17

@magicBrenda they've been "friends" since before she knew me. And it would have been near my work he picked the stuff up from - more convenient for both parties than coming to my house.

OP posts:
forumdonkey · 25/05/2019 09:24

I love and respect my DP and I wouldn't disrespect or do anything deliberately that might hurt him. This is mutual and normal in relationships. Your relationship sounds drama filled and dysfunctional. Who's feelings should come first with her - yours, her partner of two or a stranger off Instagram who she's never met?

Make this break up the last and find a woman who will treat you with some dignity and respect and won't treat you like a mug and fool.

PhilCornwall · 25/05/2019 09:28

In the nicest possible way, stop being a doormat. She repeatedly dumps you after an argument and you put up with this?

Have some self respect and call her bluff, tell her this time it's off and to not contact you again. She has a lot of growing up to do.

AuntMarch · 25/05/2019 09:30

I've got a friend who was someone I met online as a teenager. We message regularly but have only ever met a handful of times. Our relationship is 100% platonic and I've known him longer than a lot of "real life" friends.
This may be exactly like that.

However, if that is the case and she has no interest in him, she purposely lead you to believe something could happen just to make you jealous, so she's a cunt anyway.

Get rid.

MissConductUS · 25/05/2019 09:32

I am used to her breaking up and getting back with me

She's using this withdrawal of this relationship to A) manipulate you, regardless of the impact on you emotionally and B) to have the freedom to have the odd shag with other men without it officially being cheating.

Dozens of other women on this thread see this as plainly as the they see the sun in the sky. You should really pay attention.

Your "girlfriend" is not a good woman.

Lilybeth91 · 25/05/2019 09:36

Fuck that. Completely off.
Hope this guy she thinks she’s meeting ends up being an ugly, short, fat, balding 50 year old man with bad teeth.
Then watch her scuttle back...
OP, you deserve SO much better than that.

Lilybeth91 · 25/05/2019 09:38

Could this be a reverse? The update is sounding a tad defensive...

AuntMarch · 25/05/2019 09:46

I hope it is Lilybeth, she should realise how awful she is being then!

Original poster
freddofroggo · 25/05/2019 09:49

@Lilybeth91 no, I see why you're saying that. Apparently she has created a post somewhere because I "twisted" the story. I don't think I have. Obviously there are things I've done wrong, and I've said nasty things in arguments. I'm trying to grow and the reason for my defensiveness is that I'm really, really trying to see things from her point of view - something historically I struggle with.

I genuinely do understand why if she wants to meet a friend and I say I must be there or I won't be happy, she might feel that is controlling. Some exact words from her when I said I wanted to come too, or it would probably cross a boundary for me were:

"Possessive and controlling.
You do not dictate who I can or cannot see.
You either trust me or you don't. But you're not forcing this situation."

I can see why she would feel this way. But when the dust settles, I guess I just want to know if I should change my view for someone I love, or whether this really is a red flag and I should let the person I love leave.

OP posts:
MissConductUS · 25/05/2019 10:03

or whether this really is a red flag and I should let the person I love leave.

It's really a red flag and you should refuse to take her back when she comes around again after she's had her fling with the Instagram bloke.

The frequent breakups with you during arguments are an army of gigantic, animated red flags that jump up and down while shouting, yet you ignore those too.

Closetbeanmuncher · 25/05/2019 10:13

Every reply has said red flag but you will carry on with the blinkers on anyway so its rather pointless asking us when you clearly dont want the truth.

RiversDisguise · 25/05/2019 10:16

Maybe he is getting off on the cuckold thing and wants us to tell him she's cheating? Who knows.