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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

boyfriend obsessed with texting dirty to other women

159 replies

Kyra1 · 21/05/2019 09:48

Ive been with my boyfriend for just over a year now, i have never felt insecure in any of my past relationships but i always felt anxious with him for some reason (i think because he is so chatty and such a likeable person). But i caught him taking my name out of his relationship status on facebook and so i started questioning a whole lot more.. turns out he had messaged a few women on instagram direct sexually.. i raised it with him and was absolutely broken and he begged and begged for me back.. i had never seen such a broken man before, he was on his knees pleading for me to forgive him. I forgave him. He was making all the right changes and i thought things were going well.. but 2 weeks later a lady on facebook messaged me saying my boyfriend was messaging her on tinder sexually talking about her playing with herself and him also. He asked for her snapchat and he sent pictures of his downstairs region.
I had lost the plot at this point.. i raised it with him and he denied all the way, then finally after i told him i had proof of it, he finally admitted it. Again hes crying begging for me back. Weve not been together for two months but ive started texting him again. My heart just cant leave him. My dilemma is should i take him back again? Its hard because when its written down like this, its a bit black and white like yes leave the dick. But I am so in love with this boy and he has done so so much for me, we have so much history. Also does this really count as cheating? Im taking it as if he has slept with another woman but he hasnt. Hes admitted to me that before me, hed never been in a proper relationship, and when he texts other women on tinder its literally for 10 minutes whilst he plays with himself basically and then theyre deleted. Hes not interested in any other relationship. He says its like people who are addicted to pornography, he's always done it and is trying so hard to break it. We only get to see eachother twice a week and i refuse to talk sexually or send him pictures or anything over the phone so i suppose hes looking elsewhere to satisfy himself. Im not making excuses as such or being naive, i just really love him and want him in my life, so is it worth taking him back? And if so, how can i stop being so anxious and insecure in the relationship? Thanks girls. :)

OP posts:
adayatthebeach · 21/05/2019 20:40

Sick creep makes my skin crawl. Please you can do better.

AnyFucker · 21/05/2019 20:47

You must be fucking desperate

Soconfusedandlost · 21/05/2019 21:03

I am abiut 80% sure that is my exp and father to DD. I almost want to message you his initials to chwck.

Did a long distance relationship for 2 years, with me driving 4 hours to him every 2 weeks. In between, texting, calling video chatting etc.

He convinces me to move to be with him as he has DC from previous marriage. Turns out when I got there that no one (not family or friends) knew he'd asked me to move and were shocked as he was still sleeping around. Got past that problem and kept catching him doing same as your DP. every time he swore that he d stop and he didn't want anyone else but me. At the end I found out that he was inviting these girls to the house that I was paying for while I was at work (he worked night shifts)

He told me as soon as I was pregnant that he wanted nothing to do with me or the baby but messages me every now and again looking for extra curricular fun. I tell him where he can shove it

Bananalanacake · 21/05/2019 21:39

thank God you don't live together so it's much easier to leave him.

Original poster
Kyra1 · 21/05/2019 22:47

Thank you so much for the advice and experiences. I have had a fat old think this evening and am hoping to have all the strength i can get in the morning to end it with him

OP posts:
QueenOfTheCroneAge · 21/05/2019 22:54

Good! he's a vile sex pest, with no respect for you or any woman.

TheStuffedPenguin · 21/05/2019 23:06

when he texts other women on tinder its literally for 10 minutes whilst he plays with himself basically and then theyre deleted. Hes not interested in any other relationship.

Well thats Ok then....

Atalune · 21/05/2019 23:09

You don’t need to end it. Just block him on EVERYTHING and move on.

He’s horrible.

Perhaps it’s time to look at why you want to be with someone so shite.

Mintlegs · 21/05/2019 23:12

Don’t be a mug. Get rid, you deserve better!

sheettent · 21/05/2019 23:32

I'd leave my dh if he did this. And we have a child.

Honeyroar · 21/05/2019 23:37

I think it's worse than cheating. He's a sex pest. He'd cheat with any one of them that would let him. Why are you "so in love with him" after all this? You should be running as far as you can in the other direction, there's nothing to love. He's revolting and doesn't have an ounce of respect for you, despite his crying act (didn't take him very long to get over being a broken man at the thought of losing you, he was happy to risk it again so he could sexually bother other women..). Yuk!

RavenLG · 21/05/2019 23:49

That future you picture with him? Sitting on the sofa watching movies.. are you picturing him texting other girls telling them to finger themselves on snapchat for him? Bet you’re leaving that out.
Judging by your last post though you’ll be posting again in a few months with the same issue.

Erythronium · 21/05/2019 23:56

Why are you so tolerant of his sexual deviancy OP? Sending unsuspecting women pictures of his penis and then masturbating about it is sexually abusive. This man has victims, not just you, but the women on the receiving end of his dick photos. One thing you both seem to agree on though, is that the women he flashes at are disposable. Doesn't it bother you what he's doing to them?

Erythronium · 21/05/2019 23:57

Criminologists say that flashing is a risk factor to continue on to rape. It's not harmless in the slightest.

ohnoessexgirl · 22/05/2019 06:01

" A man can cry, go down on his knees, have an entire mental breakdown in front of you, and still be lying".

THIS

Bluntness100 · 22/05/2019 06:09

I'm honestly not really understanding why you need strength to end it. Does what he's doing not sicken you? How can you look at him the same knowing?

Not just that the lying? He put on that performance then went straight back to sexually harrasing women. No intention of stopping and lied straight to your face.

And then the cheating thing. I'm not sure what the fuck it is when you're some perv doing this to random women, but it ain't being faithful.

Really you need to end this and work on your self esteem and self respect.

TheRedBarrows · 22/05/2019 06:25

He had been happy to completely humiliate you.

And taking him back will just be a big green light for him: “meh, she’ll forgive me, what have I got to lose?”.

And be aware that you are only aware of die of what he has been up to. Those good times you had with him? He was simultaneously sleazing with other women.

That’s why you felt anxious and insecure.

Your instincts were good. Trust yourself and look after yourself.

annagale · 15/05/2020 15:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

longwayoff · 15/05/2020 16:16

Dear oh dear oh dear. I'm old, OP, and laughing, not at you but at the bf behaviour. There must be a book somewhere that tells them how to ,'be a bastard boyfriend'. Right down to the on his knees in tears bit. You don't understand. It's only over if and when he says so. Until then he'll play around as much as you let him. He's a woman hater 'What? Me? Nah I love women'. Really. Lose him. In a couple of years you wont even remember his name.

CoronaIsComing · 15/05/2020 16:24

He’s literally telling you who he is and by staying with him, you’re condoning it. Plus he’s showing a HUGE amount of disrespect to you and the women that he’s using for his own pleasure. I never understand why people think it’s sooo hard not to cheat: you just don’t do it, it’s that easy!

LesleysChestnutBob · 15/05/2020 16:34

Zombie thread

unknownn · 15/05/2020 16:37

Not sure why this thread is alive again haha, this was a year ago now. I read back at this post and cringe at how naive I really were BlushStill I only managed to proper rid of him 6 months ago and it's still a fight to this day to keep him away. I couldn't understand what everyone was saying on this thread and I felt like I were being attacked. Only after counselling and actually leaving him properly that I understood and completely agreed with every comment on this thread! I were manipulated and controlled in every wayHmmConfusedBlush what on earth was going through my brain!!

BalloonSlayer · 15/05/2020 16:51

You struggled to leave him because you are a nice person who wants to think the best of people, there's nothing wrong with that.

So glad for your sake that you are free of this guy now. Onwards and upwards!

LellyMcKelly · 15/05/2020 16:51

Hurrah! I was one of the ones laying into you. So glad you got rid of the slimy creep. Congratulations- you rock! 🥂

cheeseaddict420 · 15/05/2020 16:52

Good to see you're doing better OP! Was just reading this thinking omg I hope she did leave him in the end. Keep him out of your life its not worth it. Can I ask why you are still speaking to him? This person is not your friend...like imagine...would you ever do that to him? Send dirty messages to another man and justify it with 'oh I just needed a wank'? So gross. I know you must have had good times together to feel like this about him, but honestly its not worth it. And even now if he is still chasing you, its probably cause he knows if he can get back with you he can just keep doing what he wants - texting other women, cause even if you do find out, he can just cry and beg and you'll take him back. He doesn't actually care about your feelings, just what he can get away with.

Stay strong OP! Its hard but you can do it!! and in a couple of years time you'll be like...wow...can't believe I ever put up with that. I had a cheater (which is what this is btw), and they are all the same. Full of excuses and tears but its just cause they got caught.

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