First argument - WIBU?

[captainflash]

I know I should probably post this in AIBU but a bit nervous of that board at times!

Bit of backstory so as not to drip feed: been with DP for nearly 3 years. We both have children from previous relationships and complications with ex DP’s mean we tend to only see each other properly EOW. Lots of phone calls and ongoing messages the other times when apart.

Tonight DP was going out to a pre-arranged gig with a group of friends. I was never invited to this, even though other friends had girlfriends coming. The band weren’t my cup of tea so I didn’t really push being invited.
This week has been one of the most stressful of the last year for me. I teach and am senior management at a failing school. It’s been statutory assessment week and the pressure on me has been immense. I’ve had to go to bed early with stress migraines and generally felt awful.

Today was a hideous day. Exams were challenging, a friend (who has children both the same age as mine) told me she has breast cancer and we were informed at work of a local authority review/ inspection of all our work to ensure progress. This will take place in around 8 working days time. It’s a massive thing to prepare for.

During this week, I have spoken to DP for less than 10 minutes. Messaging has been less and ‘chat tomorrow’ has been his general message, which hasn’t happened. Today I had one ‘good morning’ message.

Feeling pretty shit, I sent him a message before bed saying I hoped he was enjoying himself, I loved him and to have fun. But added I’d had an awful day but listened to ‘our song’ And thought about him a lot to help me feel better. And good night. It wasn’t an usual message and have sent others like this before which he picks up in the morning.

This is where the AIBU comes in. A little while later he relied saying ‘xxxx were amazing!’, followed by an added message saying he was ‘beyond happy’. I replied saying I was going to bed now as felt down. He then rang me asking why I’d said anything as it has ‘killed his buzz’. And then hung up.

I messaged back saying that wasn’t a helpful reply to my ‘I’m having the worst day’ message and that I just needed to touch base with him. He phoned back, continually yelling at me that I was a needy drama queen and how dare I ruin his night out with my problems. He didn’t want to know them.
I told him that, as my DP of nearly three years, I felt shit that my feelings were of lesser importance than a night out and all I needed was to reach out to him. He told me he expected me to apologise to him tomorrow for ruining everything. I told him I was no longer talking to him on the phone as he was being a selfish bastard and I didn’t deserve that. He hung up again.

I’ve been laying here wide awake ever since crying. He has never behaved in that way before or ever made me feel so worthless and unimportant.
Did I do wrong by saying I’d had a bad day? He knows how awful the last few days have been already and I really wasn’t looking to spoil things for him, just say goodnight and that I’d had a bad day and needed him and that I loved him.

Did I deserve his reaction? Sorry this is so long!

No, he sounds like a selfish dickhead.

Anyone decent would've said whatever about the gig and then 'aw, that's shit' or something half way sympathetic and supportive.

And is he generally not inviting you to things with his group (with other gf's there, not a lads night out) or was the gig a one off?

Apologise for "ruining" it?! - he's a bloody drama queen into the bargain.

I take it he was drunk - in vino veritas and all that.

Also yeah aibu is ridiculous, filled with nasty people who enjoy putting posters down and generally being rude, antagonistic and derogatory where they know there's no real comeback.

I don't know.

He was out with his friends, presumably having a drink and a laugh. Why not just leave him to it?

I'm in no way dismissing how shit you feel (and I'm sorry about your bad news ) but telling him you felt miserable the middle of his night out...I don't know, I just don't see what you were hoping to achieve?

I have to say if I was out having fun on a pre-planned night out and got messages like that I'd feel a bit pissed off too. Could it not have waited until the morning? Or could you not have spoken to someone else about it?

No he's a twat. I wouldn't apologise. He said he didn't want to hear about your problems, and from his lack of interest in the last week and nasty phone call, he's telling the truth. I'd tell him to jog on.

I can understand you were upset, you sound like you're going through a hard time. I bet he was/is drunk and he shouldn't have shouted at you. He should apologize for that.

But as much as you wanted support, there was no point in texting you felt low at that time because it comes across like you were trying to make him feel guilty for going out. Maybe he can't cope with all the pressures you are under? He certainly doesn't understand what you're going through. Maybe he knows you're down but doesn't know how to help? (Some men tend to want to "fix" things rather than realising that actually listening helps). The distance is definitely causing communication problems.

Saying that, you have nothing to apologize for. Take care. I hope next week goes ok!

Small alarm bells are ringing that he went out without inviting you and is being uncharacteristically shitty. That's sometimes a sign things are not well with the relationship.

He yelled at you? Like actually shouted? Because I'd be finishing things right there.

Him: I'm having a great day! This gig is so amazing! How are you doing?
You: Actually I'm not doing so well -
Him: FUCK YOU AND YOUR DOWNERS

That's not the sign of someone who's in it for the long haul. That's someone who just wants to keep it casual.

You can find alarm bells in most scenarios, people could find alarm bells if a poster said "I had planned a night out for ages, good friends, favourite band, I was really looking forward to it and then dp, knowing how much I was looking forward it, texts me how low she is, how she is listening to our song etc etc" People would ask if she is generally needy or controlling etc etc

Look I think you chose a bad time, nobody wants texts like that when they are out, you are an adult and could have waited till the following day. Equally he could have text back "Ah sorry to hear that, get a good night sleep, we could meet for a chat tomorrow" or similar, there was no need for shouting. I just think you were extremely low and he was extremely high, both of you could have done things differently. I would apologise for timing but make it clear he was wrong too and would expect and apology for this ott reaction.

Even if he was drunk he was nasty,selfish and uncaring. He needs to do some serious thinking and apologising. Is this behaviour completely out of the blue?

Hmm. I can see both sides of this, really. He certainly comes off as dickish and uncaring at first especially as you've had such a bad day, but then I re-read it and tried to put myself in his shoes. I could see myself being incredibly pissed off with DH if I was having an amazing night and he just started sending what I perceived to be moany, grumpy texts. And assuming there has already been drinking involved, feelings will be amplified. Surely this isn't typical behaviour for him if it's your first major argument in a three year relationship!

I think you need to reply what has actually happened to you and that you were so upset you didn't think about waiting to message till morning.

He might be thinking you are guilting him for being out and your bad day was the wrong sandwich at lunch or something, when in reality work is really hard and your friend is sick.

I can imagine getting annoyed if my DH said that he was having the worst day while I was out in reply to me saying I was having the best night!

I know I can't say what id do in your situation as it hadn't happened to me, but I feel like you could have said you were feeling horrendous and asked him not to go and be with you as you were upset or wait til morning. Telling him while he's out drinking would always have been quite pointless?

Hope work goes okay and your friend gets treatment and starts to get better really soon

I would not be messaging him again and his apology he could shove up his arse.

I'm with calmdownjanet on this one

Sorry I don’t think you should have dumped your bad day feelings on him late at night when he was buzzing about the band. I think that’s really selfish. What was he supposed to do with that information?

It could have waited till today.

Thanks for all the replies. I do appreciate all the different sides.
To clarify a couple of things, although it may sound like a bit more of a casual EOW relationship, it isn’t. Well, at least I didn’t think it was. We get our EOWs and other days without the children, but we also do lots together with children. Family events, parties, etc. It is a serious committed relationship that I thought was for the long term.

However, this isn’t the first thing that he has consciously not invited me to. I met up with some of the friends at another event and they said it was such a shame I couldn’t have made it to x and y. I didn’t even know they’d happened. He’d chosen not to invite me and then told them I couldn’t make it. That made me feel awful.

And yes, he did actually shout at me down the phone to ‘fuck off with my dramas’ when I said a friend had been diagnosed with cancer. I have never been spoken to with the amount of anger and venom has he did last night.

I do get that I should have left it until morning. But I was feeling horrifically low and wanted to reach out to the person I cared about the most. Who then shouted at me, swore at me and told me I needed to apologise. All I needed him to say was, ‘let’s talk tomorrow and I love you’. Not what I got.

But I do get that it was the wrong time

That's awful OP. Really awful. It sounds like he's not as interested in you as you are him unfortunately, he sounds horrible

It was the wrong time but I understand your need to reach out to him, I'd have done the same. His response is really shitty though and it would be a cold day in hell before I apologised.

He was nasty, no doubt about that. I can’t imagine a decent partner responding like this.

On a completely separate note, I’d be pretty fed up getting a message like yours in the middle of a night out. What did you think it would achieve other than (if he was a good guy) force him to stop everything he was doing to think about you and maybe extract himself from his night out to call and sympathise with you. That’s pretty unfair if you to demand.

Sorry you're having a bad time at the moment captainflash.

To me you were definitely not BU. He was having a night out, big deal. Its not as if it was his daughter's wedding, personal drinks with Donny Osmond or being presented with an OBE. It was drinks and a gig. The sort of things that can be done whenever.

A good friend with breast cancer is huge. That alone would make me want the comfort of my DH, let alone all the work stuff. (Having not been able to cope with a PGCE myself I can imagine how all-consuming your workload is at the moment).

My DH is my DH because my upset about something like that would always have been more of a priority than a jolly night - and vice versa. His response should have been 'I'm so sorry to hear that. Do you want me to come over?' not to shout, which is unforgiveable in itself.

I'd have a review of the relationship. Is this completely left field or have there been hints before? Has he been able to keep his true self under wraps because of the timings of your relationship?

How he responds today is key. If he's aghast at his drunken response that's one thing. If he still wants an apology I'd cut him loose.

What a shit.
You "ruined his night?" 😂, fucking man-baby.
I would put money on him being on coke behaving in that way.

Leaving aside this incident you hold a lot of resentment over your relationship. Based on the very little information you are giving us you want a more committed partnership that involves doing things together. He is not offering that. Maybe you need to call that out and if you want different things decide what you want to do.

For reference I do things with friends and don’t invite DP consciously and he is the same. It is because it is an experience I want to share with my friends and give them my full attention. Rightly or wrongly when we are together we are very much the couple. That can become more exaggerated in certain groups and settings.

If my partner was stressed and suffering, I would want to give them my full attention and support. In this case, I would not cancel my event but I would be there for them the next day. I would have closed down the text conversation with a supportive message. Your second message would have distracted me and here in lies the issue. It irritated him.

Why did it irritate him so much? Short temper, too much drink, doesn’t like or want to deal with your feelings, finds you too needy or as he says thinks you are a drama queen.

Again this goes to the heart of your relationship. Do you think that a DP should be more supportive than he offers? Even if you are not together, he could have called or sent supportive messages. In this day and age distance is not a barrier to talking.

Long pp short, you want and expect more than he is willing to give. He is irritated and annoyed by this neediness.

Op I don’t mean to be horrid but it doesn’t sound like he really cares for you or loves you.

You definitely weren't in the wrong OP. He behaved terribly and it's him that needs to apologise. As much as he probably didn't want to hear negativity on his night out, all he had to do was say 'ok we'll talk about it tomorrow' (although I have to say if it was me I would prioritise my dp over a night out anyway.)

There are a few red flags here and I would personally be waiting for a sincere apology or I'd be questioning a future with this man.