First argument - WIBU?

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I know I should probably post this in AIBU but a bit nervous of that board at times!

Bit of backstory so as not to drip feed: been with DP for nearly 3 years. We both have children from previous relationships and complications with ex DP’s mean we tend to only see each other properly EOW. Lots of phone calls and ongoing messages the other times when apart.

Tonight DP was going out to a pre-arranged gig with a group of friends. I was never invited to this, even though other friends had girlfriends coming. The band weren’t my cup of tea so I didn’t really push being invited.
This week has been one of the most stressful of the last year for me. I teach and am senior management at a failing school. It’s been statutory assessment week and the pressure on me has been immense. I’ve had to go to bed early with stress migraines and generally felt awful.

Today was a hideous day. Exams were challenging, a friend (who has children both the same age as mine) told me she has breast cancer and we were informed at work of a local authority review/ inspection of all our work to ensure progress. This will take place in around 8 working days time. It’s a massive thing to prepare for.

During this week, I have spoken to DP for less than 10 minutes. Messaging has been less and ‘chat tomorrow’ has been his general message, which hasn’t happened. Today I had one ‘good morning’ message.

Feeling pretty shit, I sent him a message before bed saying I hoped he was enjoying himself, I loved him and to have fun. But added I’d had an awful day but listened to ‘our song’ And thought about him a lot to help me feel better. And good night. It wasn’t an usual message and have sent others like this before which he picks up in the morning.

This is where the AIBU comes in. A little while later he relied saying ‘xxxx were amazing!’, followed by an added message saying he was ‘beyond happy’. I replied saying I was going to bed now as felt down. He then rang me asking why I’d said anything as it has ‘killed his buzz’. And then hung up.

I messaged back saying that wasn’t a helpful reply to my ‘I’m having the worst day’ message and that I just needed to touch base with him. He phoned back, continually yelling at me that I was a needy drama queen and how dare I ruin his night out with my problems. He didn’t want to know them.
I told him that, as my DP of nearly three years, I felt shit that my feelings were of lesser importance than a night out and all I needed was to reach out to him. He told me he expected me to apologise to him tomorrow for ruining everything. I told him I was no longer talking to him on the phone as he was being a selfish bastard and I didn’t deserve that. He hung up again.

I’ve been laying here wide awake ever since crying. He has never behaved in that way before or ever made me feel so worthless and unimportant.
Did I do wrong by saying I’d had a bad day? He knows how awful the last few days have been already and I really wasn’t looking to spoil things for him, just say goodnight and that I’d had a bad day and needed him and that I loved him.

Did I deserve his reaction? Sorry this is so long!

Peer pressure?

Well now you know why he doesn’t invite you out because he doesn’t want you to see him getting fucked out of his head.

Sounds like he has a double life OP

He was wanker and on drugs. That would be a huge turn off for me.

If he had been there for you all week then yes, perhaps you should have left him to enjoy his night out. But he’s been shit all week and then vile to you last night. He is not a nice person.

I would be thinking his coke habit is on the occasions you haven't been 'invited' out. More regularly than he has let in imo.
Drugs + dc don't mix op.
Never.

It's not just this instance is it lass. It's the not inviting you to other things.

Overall, after three years I'd be questioning the whole relationship.

It's the lack of respect I couldn't get past. That's doesn't sound like someone who likes you very much let alone loves you.

My ex became an arsehole when he drank, it just highlighted all the bad behaviours and lack of caring for me. My now dp becomes silly and lovey dovey when he drinks. He certainly would never speak to me like your partner did. I really do think you should be reconsidering your options here. Dont let him pass this off as not a big deal.

It’s the coke; he sees those friends for coke and that’s why he’s excluding you from most of those meetings.

I second HappyintheHills! He is more interested in the coke than he wants you to know so he keeps you away from those friends so you’ll think it’s just occasional.

I think very occasional cocaine users who can take it or leave it are probably in the minority. Does that lifestyle mix with your senior role at work and children? Going forward though, I do think there was an error on your side that your worries should be brought into a fun evening - not with him, he doesn't deserve the time of day, but I mean in principle. I think I'd want my DC to call me day or night, but otherwise, a few hours either way wouldn't have mattered.

I have never been spoken to with the amount of anger and venom has he did last night

This is really important. He has shown you who he is, please take his response on board as I suspect he has dropped his mask and doubt this is one off behaviour.
If you are with a toxic person then you will be blamed for their response.."you asked for support at the wrong time etc". I bet he treated his Ex similarly.

His lack of empathy was shocking...He could have supported you and STILL had a good night. The 2 are not mutually exclusive. A few minutes on a call or understanding text would not have runied his night IF he cared about you (more than he cares for himself).

A partner who doesn't support you when you are low or makes you feel guilty for asking for support is not someone to stay with. You had a shit day and he made it much, much worse. That was HIS choice, always remember that. You were NOT unreasonable.

If you accept it now then he has the green light for next time..it won't be often but he will repeat it. Once you commit to him I suspect his behaviour would escalate.

100% agree with lifebegins50

Hope you’re ok OP. I’d be calling time on the relationship and running for the hills, with a huge sense of having dodged a bullet.

Id be very suspicious of what he's told you about his ex. I doubt he really does want you to lean on him more. I suspect he likes having sex with you but being able to keep you at arm's length the rest of the time. He certainly doesn't seem like he's a good prospect for you for the future. He's nowhere near as into you as you are into him. That's before we even start on the coke. Coke isn't an occasional drug. I imagine that's why he doesn't invite you to things. Being honest, he sounds like a loser and you'd be better off being without him. You've seen the real him now. Perfect opportunity to end it unless you want to see his mask to slip more often.

He doesn't invite you to events with his friends and their girlfriends
He lies to his friends about why you aren't there
He takes coke
He abuses you over the phone
He conveniently 'forgot' what he said

This is not looking good OP.
He'd be out the door.
I hope you are feeling a bit better today and that your talk went OK.

What hellsbellsmelons with bells on it

Who told you his ex was and is needy? After that response to your very non needy need (in my opinion) maybe he’s just an uncaring selfish arsehole who cares more about drugs and his mates than any woman in his life. Maybe like you, she tried to get some support from him? Which is what partners are supposed to do! What’s the point of being in a relationship with this man? He’s really got the life of Riley hasn’t he? Gets you shagging him EOW, practically zero commitment, doesn’t have to include you on nights out with his mates, gets to lie about you because you’re not involved with the mates enough to know and he gets to play the “woe is me, needy ex” card. You’ve been suckered. You’re basically a glorified Fuck Buddy to him. Last night showed you precisely what he thinks of you. Have more respect and self worth. Being with a man like this will bring you even further down. Good luck with your inspection

How did the coffee go, OP?

He sounds like the man I recently split from . He would expect me to be on hand 24 hours a day to listen to his self involved rants (while cheating on me ) and even expected it when I was sat by my little girls bed after being told she may have bone cancer .. he would frequently tell me I didn’t open up to him yet whenever I asked him to show up with emotional support I would be called “ needy, possessive, even a stalker ! “ and I would have drunken shouting down the phone and be told I’d ruined his happy mood if I dared try to discuss something going on in MY life .
This man has shown his true colours so. be glad you don’t live with him . He obviously believed that you were trying to guilt trip him but his response was unacceptable. You are going through hell right now ..
he goes on a night out you aren’t invited to 🤔
You :Id like s bit of emotional support
Him : How bloody dare you spoil my night out with your “ dramas “
This is a warning of things to come IMO and if you lived together you may have seen this earlier . Id be very wary of a man telling me to open up then raging at me for doing just that . While the timing might have been off all he had to do was say let’s talk tomorrow .

Also the conveniently forgetting what he did is a form of gaslighting . I’d be calling time on this relationship sorry

Sounds like he as off his head. Drink and drugs.

I do agree with others, if you know you're partner is on a long awaited night out with friends, I'm not sure it's the best time to text him and tell him you're miserable and need him, I've been with my husband for thirty years and I don't think I've ever done that, generally I care enough to let him have his time then discuss it with him when he's free.

However on saying that his behaviour was off the scale wrong in reaction to uou deciding now was the time. He has apologised and yes you should tell him what he said and how it made you feel, but also listen to what he has to say. If this isn't usual behaviour for him or you I don't think I'd end a relarionship over it but try to understand it and move forward.

Also the conveniently forgetting what he did is a form of gaslighting

I'm not sure this is true, I often forget if I've too much to drink. Shit but there it is. Many people do.

Doesn’t take invite you trips out with friends
Takes coke
Uses that and very his drinking as carte Blanche to be downright nasty to you and you’re meant to be all sweetness and light and understanding?

Cut him loose OP, why do you feel this is the best you can do?

Be if you spoke to his ex, you’d get a very different picture of his relationship with her.

Bluntness I don’t know . I guess it’s easy to say you don’t remember behaving like a total toss pot as opposed to forgetting being a bit daft if whatever when drunk .. although in my case I can’t remember what I did five minutes ago .
I certainly don’t think there is s future to be had with this man OP as it’s clear he’s nit going to show up emotionally when you want him to . He’s in it for the good times as long as you don’t burden him with your stuff

Also I’d love to hear the exes version of events 🙄. When I split from my abusive ex he had painted his ex as a monster so I reached out to her and got a very different version of events . He’d basically treated her the same as me and had been horrific to his previous ex .

I can’t believe that people are telling a woman that she should have kept quiet about her horrendously bad day because the man she’s been in a relationship for 3 years with was having a fun night out. Even more so when he has lots of time to go out with his friends, etc.

I think, OP, that he simply isn’t committed to this relationship in the way you are. It sounds very much like he wants you to be the easy, low maintenance girlfriend he sees when he wants to. When he says you should lean on him more (while also reminding you about how dreadful and needy his ex was/is) that’s to make him sound caring and magnanimous. He probably doesn’t believe you’ll actually do it.

And look what happens if you briefly mention you’ve had a bad day when it’s not convenient to him. Honestly, ‘you killed my buzz’ is a ridiculous statement and very clearly shows where his priorities lie.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. He is clearly getting what he wants out of this; an every other week girlfriend but you?. What is in this for you?.

I would agree with the sentiment to jettison this man now; this is who he really is and it would pay you dividends indeed to take heed. I would also think he treated his ex the same way and that is why she got rid of him too. You need to do the same and raise your relationship bar a lot higher going forward. I would tip your coffee over his head and tell him to find another sap to shout at because you and he are finished.

Apart from anything else your kids need a far better male role model than some drug fuelled manchild in their lives.

Love your own self for a change OP.