First argument - WIBU?

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I know I should probably post this in AIBU but a bit nervous of that board at times!

Bit of backstory so as not to drip feed: been with DP for nearly 3 years. We both have children from previous relationships and complications with ex DP’s mean we tend to only see each other properly EOW. Lots of phone calls and ongoing messages the other times when apart.

Tonight DP was going out to a pre-arranged gig with a group of friends. I was never invited to this, even though other friends had girlfriends coming. The band weren’t my cup of tea so I didn’t really push being invited.
This week has been one of the most stressful of the last year for me. I teach and am senior management at a failing school. It’s been statutory assessment week and the pressure on me has been immense. I’ve had to go to bed early with stress migraines and generally felt awful.

Today was a hideous day. Exams were challenging, a friend (who has children both the same age as mine) told me she has breast cancer and we were informed at work of a local authority review/ inspection of all our work to ensure progress. This will take place in around 8 working days time. It’s a massive thing to prepare for.

During this week, I have spoken to DP for less than 10 minutes. Messaging has been less and ‘chat tomorrow’ has been his general message, which hasn’t happened. Today I had one ‘good morning’ message.

Feeling pretty shit, I sent him a message before bed saying I hoped he was enjoying himself, I loved him and to have fun. But added I’d had an awful day but listened to ‘our song’ And thought about him a lot to help me feel better. And good night. It wasn’t an usual message and have sent others like this before which he picks up in the morning.

This is where the AIBU comes in. A little while later he relied saying ‘xxxx were amazing!’, followed by an added message saying he was ‘beyond happy’. I replied saying I was going to bed now as felt down. He then rang me asking why I’d said anything as it has ‘killed his buzz’. And then hung up.

I messaged back saying that wasn’t a helpful reply to my ‘I’m having the worst day’ message and that I just needed to touch base with him. He phoned back, continually yelling at me that I was a needy drama queen and how dare I ruin his night out with my problems. He didn’t want to know them.
I told him that, as my DP of nearly three years, I felt shit that my feelings were of lesser importance than a night out and all I needed was to reach out to him. He told me he expected me to apologise to him tomorrow for ruining everything. I told him I was no longer talking to him on the phone as he was being a selfish bastard and I didn’t deserve that. He hung up again.

I’ve been laying here wide awake ever since crying. He has never behaved in that way before or ever made me feel so worthless and unimportant.
Did I do wrong by saying I’d had a bad day? He knows how awful the last few days have been already and I really wasn’t looking to spoil things for him, just say goodnight and that I’d had a bad day and needed him and that I loved him.

Did I deserve his reaction? Sorry this is so long!

Sorry OP. You’ve been together 3 years and see each other every other weekend? So twice a month? It doesn’t matter how awkward and nasty my ex was (he isn’t), it wouldn’t stop me being with and seeing my DP.

I don’t think you were being unreasonable however I would never have sent the text you did. I would’ve just said “hope you’re having a good night. My day has been horrible but we’ll talk about that tomorrow. Love you, enjoy your night”
I certainly wouldn’t have told him the reason why whilst he’s out having fun with friends.

Honestly though, where is this relationship going? 3 years in and you’re only seeing each other every other weekend? As I said awkward ex’s or not, it shouldn’t stop you both. He’s consciously not inviting you to “couple” things either.

I’d actually be really upset with his response.

The not inviting you to things his friends had invited you to is really shit too.

Hope your friend manages to pull through and your inspection goes well. You have a lot on your plate

On the face of it he was an absolute arse and his behaviour was totally unacceptable , and frankly the only thing that would save it for me would be a heartfelt apology the day after and a recognition he had been awful.

However with one caveat my Dsis if I'm honest is permanently stressed or has drama or whatever and there is quite literally always something wrong. She is the most negative person I have ever met . Whilst it still would not be ok for that response I will say that I have no time for her pity parties any more....in my defence 39 bloody years I've had her doing this.

Now if I'm honest she would have sent similar texts and it would have been about wanting the attention on her and guilt tripping martyr type concept. However that because she does this constantly.

Now if this is a relatively rare situation that you would send these texts or do this then see my first paragraph and he is an arse.

But how often have you done this kind of thing ?

I've skim read a bit, but briefly I think if you were going out with someone completely adoring and sweet natured and loving man, you mis-judged the timing sending the message on a partner's "fun" night out. I'd probably have texted one of my friends on the night to get it off my chest and had a worried/ sad conversation with him at a time when it wouldn't be such a huge contrast with his mood/ surroundings.

However, I didn't like his reaction in your update at all. I wouldn't do quite what you did again if you go out with someone else, but stroke of luck in a way that you did do it, because flipping heck he's shown a side of himself that you hadn't appreciated was there. And I'd be wary that the opinions shouted at you, even when drunk, are opinions he holds, he just normally doesn't share.

Sorry but your feelings aren't his priority. Whether you mistimed your legit moan or not he shot you down.
Def need to reassess things op. Especially if he thinks HE is owed an apology.

I agree with Noimagination123xyzz - even though your text may have been irritating it did not warrant him shouting at you like that. Not a nice side to him at all. I couldn’t be with someone like that.

What a nasty wanker. Horrible. You can’t keep him in your life. Not someone like that.

Red flags all over the shop for me

Anyone decent would've said whatever about the gig and then 'aw, that's shit' or something half way sympathetic and supportive.
Also this.

The way he spoke to you was awful you really didn’t do anything bad and you have a right to expect your partner of 3 years to provide emotional support when you are having a terrible time even if your timing isn’t great.
HIS BEHAVIOUR IS NOT OKAY.

Hmm. Me and my partner had a similar spat after a similar amount of time and it was out of character so I've let it go. It did change how I feel about him tbh even though I love him dearly trust has been eroded a bit. I'd say something in general sounds a bit off about your relationship, you're not a priority as much as you should be. Demanding apologies is overly dramatic, sounds like he's projecting.

I don’t know either.

I don’t think texting him while he was on a night out, having fun with his mates was a good idea. Even if he had replied in a nicer way, you would have “killed the buzz”. Also what could he have done at that present moment ? You would have been better off texting a parent or a friend

He could have replied nicer for sure ! He should apologise for that but arguably you should apologise for not being considerate.

You did nothing wrong texting him while he was out. It's ridiculous that he couldn't have responded politely or been sympathetic just because he was having fun. If my dh texted me while I was out I'd be concerned and want to offer some comfort, not be a complete asshole.

I think it's a massive red flag that he'd scream at you like this. Not inviting you to things and lying about it is shit too, I couldn't imagine my dh doing that.

Me again. Thanks all for the replies. It seems like it’s quite divisive, which is how I feel about it in my head.

He has said in the past that I am generally the least needy person he knows and, that as his girlfriend, he wants me to lean on him more. He said that he knows that I am strong and independent but he wanted me to know I could lean on him whenever I needed to. His ex was hideously needy and there was (and often still is) a drama for him to sort out. I really am not that type of girlfriend. I’ve never really leant on him like I did last night.

Also, to answer a PP, my ex works set shifts and only has the children one night a week at most. His ex works abroad for weeks at a time. That is why we don’t get much alone time together but we do spend time together every week. I do question this myself but, there is little we can do at present.

With regards to the texts I sent, I sent two. The first one was a ‘hope you’re having a great time. Miss you, love you.... had a shit day need to see you... enjoy yourself’. The second was after him sending two about what a brilliant time he was having saying I was glad but was tired and stressed and needed to go to bed. I didn’t say any of the reasons why by text. He then phoned me and launched into his rant. Before hanging up and then phoning back twice to continue ranting.

I do think he was very pissed and most likely on coke as his friends are known to do that. He certainly didn’t sound like himself. I’ve never heard him so angry, obnoxious or arrogant. He completely ripped into me.

I’m supposed to be seeing him later today but don’t know if I can. I know it was a bad time, but his reaction was awful and I’ve never experienced that from him. It’s completely shaken up my feelings.

Thanks for all the responses

@shinyletsbebadguys
This is the first time I’ve ever sent a message like that. I’m very low maintenance- he and all his friends say that. He has told me to lean on him more and I don’t need to be so strong and understand people are to there to help when you need them. I shouldn’t have to do it all alone.
This is the first time I’ve needed him like that and look where it got me!

Tbh, once I realised he was on such a high after his enjoyable night out, there is no way I would have told him stuff that would kill his mood. I would have just kept schtum about how I felt.

If you have been telling him over the last few days how crap you feel about the work issues then he might be a bit tired of listening to your moaning. Sometimes you don't need the joy to be sucked out of your life.

I mean this kindly but have you got into a habit of focussing on the negative rather than the positive? Sometimes we can do this and not realise the effect we have on others around us. (My cousin phones me frequently and every call is her just moaning about everything. I do feel for her as she has some difficult physical health issues but she is emotionally draining to the point of being depressing).

Why do you think your DP doesn't invite you to the nights out with friends? Have you asked him about this? Or do you know it is due to problems arranging childcare etc?

Aha. So his ex was needy and had 'dramas'? Sounds like he was triggered.
He was drunk and probably on coke?
Consciously doesn't invite you to things?
Shouts at you down the phone when he knows you're feeling low?
Hmm.
Not sounding good OP.

I think you were a bit in the wrong for the heavy hearted messages when he was out, but if his actual spoken reaction to your news about your friend having cancer was to say 'fuck off with your dramas' then he is not your partner in any meaningful way at all.

He said those words, about a young woman with cancer? That's one of the worst things I've ever heard.

Fair enough then i entirely revert to my first paragraph and he is a gigantic arse

If he isn't absolutely begging for forgiveness quick sharpish then I'd be telling him where to go

Sorry I'd dump him. I had a husband like that and it was awful.
You need someone who actually cares about how you are feeling.

I know it doesn’t sound good. Reading it all back sounds awful.
@Gigglinghysterically I don’t think I’m a particularly negative person and I think my friends would back me up on that. I don’t moan or whine. I am very stoic and just get on with things. My default answer is ‘I’m fine’ or ‘It’s ok’.
It’s something he said I needed to work on as he feels I don’t always lean on him like I should. He generally says I’m the sweetest, kindest person he’s ever met and I bring so much joy to him after years of negativity.
That’s why his reaction is upsetting

Hmmm, I’d now wait to see what he says next. What would bother me the most though was him lying to his friends saying you couldn’t come to an event having not even asked you.
As with all relationships nothing is black and white. I’d wait till you can talk to him on the phone/in person and have a calm conversation about how you are feeling.
I am in a EOW relationship and have learned to wait until we are both calm and can have a decent conversation about things that have triggered us.

Oh and yes he did tell me to fuck off with my dramas after telling him a friend which a six year old daughter (we were pregnant together and our older boys are in the same class) had cancer.
I didn’t willingly offer up that information either. It’s not like I laid on all the heavy stuff. When he phoned, he said “go on then, what’s so fucking important to interrupt me like this?” I told him I didn’t think it was he best time to talk but he pushed to know

What a selfish twunt

Don’t you dare apologise, you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong.

I’d not bother contacting him and leave him to it. After 3 years and you’re not included on group outings with friends. Very suspect.

When he phoned, he said “go on then, what’s so fucking important to interrupt me like this?” I told him I didn’t think it was he best time to talk but he pushed to know

I'm so sorry OP. I'm sorry about your friend and I'm sorry your "D"P spoke to you like that. Regardless of if it was " ruining his buzz " or whatever he still could've pretended to be sympathetic or said " let's talk about it tomorrow". It's not nice to have your feelings minimised or dismissed like that.

Following your update:
Drunk and on coke? This isn't someone I'd want around my DC ever.
Ex was/is needy. Says it all really. He doesn't want or need any more drama because of this.

Perhaps you just aren't suited to each other? He can't stand neediness yet has encouraged you to lean on him. Maybe he needs counselling to learn how to cope with others leaning on him because of his past?

Aside from this is there any future in your relationship anyway? Can it ever move forward? It seems to be all geared up to work around him and you're not getting much out of it - in this case support!
To me it smacks of being just how he wants it. He's living the life of a single person (and not inviting you to be involved in his life) but you are there for a bit of commitment free fun. Sorry if that's totally wrong.
I don't think you were being unreasonable, his reaction may have been down to drink, but they say your true colours come out when you're drunk.
Drinking and drug taking would be a deal breaker for me anyway. He doesn't sound great to be honest.
I hope you're ok and I'm sorry about your friend