Both married but mutual attraction at work

[Sab06]

Hey guys,

A bit of background:
We are both married, he is much older than me and we work together 2 days a week.

I don’t know where to start...we’ve known each other for 3 years. Normal work relationship up until 2 months ago. We both opened up about some hard time we had last year and it’s like something started then.. He was been very tactile with me (touching my arm, poking me with his pen on my leg, knee touching, shoulder..) all very subtle and at times he would be nervous around me. At first I didn’t think much of it until recently, when we were both sitting together working and all of a sudden I’ve felt a very strong sexual chemistry for this man. It was actually overwhelming. He is seriously not my type and is much older than me.
Slowly, slowly.. he started asking personel questions: how I’ve met my husband? Where do I live? What does my husband do? Show me pictures of your family? What types of foods do you like and so on...
he then one time said that we should go out for dinner with this other lady colleague (he wanted to introduce her to me)
I started to find myself very attracted to him. This feeling originally scared me. I wanted to ask my boss if I could work with another colleague to keep away.
Recently, to say hello he kissed me on the cheek and we hugged. It all was so natural. He held me for a little while and he hugged me really tightly. It really felt nice.
Fast forward, the second time it was more on the corner of my lips. He was excited during our chat and was looking at me with romantic eyes. He is regularly seeking my company. What is happening? Is he playing with me or has he just like me developed some kind of feelings???
I think I am falling for him!!

Now, I don’t intend on cheating on my husband! I envisage having a conversation with him and telling him that we HAVE to keep things PLATONIC.
What do you guys think.... does that sound like someone who just wants me in their bed or do you think he has genuine feelings for me?
I am constantly thinking of him.. please help!
Please be kind... I am turning to you guys for some help, advice, experience.

your problematic marriage is making you vulnerable and this man knows you are vulnerable.
try to decide about your marriage.
keep away from this man as much as possible. he isn't the one for you.

Just read your full thread and i am of the same opinion that I was just from the first post- I think you are reaching potentially reading something into an innocent scenario purely due to your current unhappy circumstance.
I hug and cheek-kiss colleagues I am close to, accidents with angles can occur, and some people are tactile. Hes not bent you over the desk and offered to service you daily. You say you get on, he may just be carrying that on, knowing you both have stable partners and as such, its 'safe' to do so.
You need to work on yourself and your marriage, should that be something you decide to continue with.

Even if he does fancy you (and I'm not sure he does), strangely you have the choice whether to engage or not. Again, I've worked with people ( and actually not the kiss-cheek ones) that have fancied me, and I actually managed to keep my pants on the whole time.

Stop projecting or fantasizing and sort your own life out, its sounds like you're desperately unsatisfied and unhappy. Only when you change that should you look to someone else

UPDATE!!
So, my colleague is into me! He kissed me but I pushed him back and told him we can’t go there as we are both married and that we can only be friends. We enjoy each other’s company a lot but obviously nothing can happen there. I told him we can’t hug anymore or have physical contact. He agreed with me.
This made me realise a lot of things about my relationship with hubby. I have tried talking to hubby and told him I wanted to separate. I can’t live like this. As always, he promises to change but no actions, nothing changes. He falls back to the way he is. I told him that I’ve finally realised that this is the way he is and he won’t change not now not ever!

Tell colleague you'll go to HR if he tries it again. He'd be the same with any willing woman. No mention of his wife, I see...

Best of luck with splitting from husband.

Positive update. You told your colleague nothing would happen. And you told your husband you had made up your mind. Sounds like you are getting your girl power back. Keep it up!

And yes, if your colleague doesn't respect your decision you might have to take it further. By all means, if he tries again, tell him that you are considering it. Should calm him down for good.

There is one sure fire way of stopping this straight away.

Tell your husband.

When something is not a secret anymore, the fantasy of it loses a lot of power.

No, no mention of his wife from his part. We definitely get on well, we do have some sort of feelings, bond but as I said can’t go there. He did apologise to me and so did I for giving him possibly mixed messages.
My priority right now is to focus on my marriage or what’s left of it. Separation is never easy especially more so when the other part is in denial!

I mean, if he realises that someone else is attracted to you and wants you? It might wake him up.

What did he say when you said you realised he will never change?

You have a few options:

Cut down contact with sleazy, older married man,

Leave your husband and find a single man to invest feelings in,

Get therapy, couples or indivual,

Have sex with married man, then he will cool it off, work will be awkward, you’ll feel used, his wife might find out, you might get sacked or have to change jobs and you might get an std or pubic lice from a serial cheat.

I'm really glad you've worked through this, OP. It's really difficult to work through relationship problems when you've got attraction to someone else to distract you, and it can really confuse how you feel about the situation in general.

Good work.
Now don't let him try to wear you down.
He's put a lot of time into identifying then grooming a vulnerable woman (you), he won't write that off easily.

I just read @MashedSpud 's post - I'd recommend you think about therapy, even if it's on your own. I'm in a bit of a self-destruct mode at the moment, and am taking myself off to see a counsellor. it's hard to work this stuff through in your head, i think. and depends if you have anyone IRL that you can admit to about how you've felt about this other guy. You need to talk about it, and process how you feel about everything - and to really get you to admit some hard truths to yourself, which are hard to push down when you're just in your own head.

How do people get any work done with this bollocks going on.

scarlettmaid and op, i understand how utterly lonely it can be when you are ignored by your partner

You are in a tough place OP, but you are also playing with fire because of what you stand to lose:

• your professional and personal reputation (because yes your work colleagues probably do know something's up and rumours spread)
• your own self respect
• your current home setup if your husband discovers this situation and uses it against you - especially if leaving now is not financially viable for you.

Have some self respect and back away from what another PP said this is- a "cliche"!

Sort out your work situation wherever possible to try and increase your income.

I am getting his help with the kids. He is very hands on. I work part time, he doesn’t!
Can you work more hours and save to give yourself better options if you decide to separate from your husband? Apply for promotion in a different part of the company so you are no longer close to your colleague?

Stop initiating intimate contact with your husband as that just doesn't seem to work for you and ends in your humiliation. Time enough when you are no longer together and you date a single person.

Focus on your future- retraining if necessary to improve your job skills. Good luck. 🌹