Both married but mutual attraction at work

[Sab06]

Hey guys,

A bit of background:
We are both married, he is much older than me and we work together 2 days a week.

I don’t know where to start...we’ve known each other for 3 years. Normal work relationship up until 2 months ago. We both opened up about some hard time we had last year and it’s like something started then.. He was been very tactile with me (touching my arm, poking me with his pen on my leg, knee touching, shoulder..) all very subtle and at times he would be nervous around me. At first I didn’t think much of it until recently, when we were both sitting together working and all of a sudden I’ve felt a very strong sexual chemistry for this man. It was actually overwhelming. He is seriously not my type and is much older than me.
Slowly, slowly.. he started asking personel questions: how I’ve met my husband? Where do I live? What does my husband do? Show me pictures of your family? What types of foods do you like and so on...
he then one time said that we should go out for dinner with this other lady colleague (he wanted to introduce her to me)
I started to find myself very attracted to him. This feeling originally scared me. I wanted to ask my boss if I could work with another colleague to keep away.
Recently, to say hello he kissed me on the cheek and we hugged. It all was so natural. He held me for a little while and he hugged me really tightly. It really felt nice.
Fast forward, the second time it was more on the corner of my lips. He was excited during our chat and was looking at me with romantic eyes. He is regularly seeking my company. What is happening? Is he playing with me or has he just like me developed some kind of feelings???
I think I am falling for him!!

Now, I don’t intend on cheating on my husband! I envisage having a conversation with him and telling him that we HAVE to keep things PLATONIC.
What do you guys think.... does that sound like someone who just wants me in their bed or do you think he has genuine feelings for me?
I am constantly thinking of him.. please help!
Please be kind... I am turning to you guys for some help, advice, experience.

Your needs with your husband are not being met at all here really. You may well still love him, well for now, but this is who he is really and he is not going to change for you or for his own self. Words are cheap and both have in their own ways told you what you want to hear.

How did your husband react when you threatened to leave him?
And why did you not follow up on that?

Neither this work colleague or your husband can or will give you the love you so crave, neither of them are right for you.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

@AttilaTheMeerkat
“How did your husband react when you threatened to leave him?
And why did you not follow up on that?”

Well... the usual... “I will change” “I will make efforts” “you will see..” tried sometimes to deflect.
I told him that I still love him but the day I definitely shut down emotionally.. that we will be done!
When I wanted to leave.. he would tell me all I wanted to hear and only for a couple of days will put some sort of efforts (forced) and go back to his own ways.. taking me for granted!

@AttilaTheMeerkat

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

Very very pertinent question!!
My mum was unhappy but she still stayed with my dad (she is still with my dad).
My dad had some affairs that my mum knew of but somehow was too weak to leave him! They do have their happy times and sometimes things are not flowing so well. But, I know they care about each other.
I guess I am kind of doing what my mum did by staying in an unhappy marriage! ☹️

All that first post when you really needn't have got past I'm married.
Which part of your vows would you like to keep?
Divorce your husband and find somebody you are happy with that won't make you want to fuck other men
HTH

Your parents certainly did teach you some damaging lessons on relationships.

Do not make the same mistakes that your mother made. You do not have to yourself do the same as she has done for your children to go onto repeat themselves. You can make good choices.

Nip it in the bud, it's a silly infatuation.
From now on :
No touching each other
No personal chats and no romantic gazing at each other.
(next time he goes in for the hug or the kiss, tell him you don't want him touching you it makes you uncomfortable. Ditto the private conversations)
Avoid interaction and keep strictly business when you have to work together.
The feelings will pass.

He is not a breath of fresh air. I promise you he's a breath of dank revolting air, the air of a sleaze.

He has targeted you because you are vulnerable and crave affection, attention and love. As you say he moves it up a notch to see how far he can go. He is a predator, he is targeting you.

Your colleagues know. Please please do everything you can to get away from this horrible man. How would you feel if, once you two got it together, he switched his attention to another vulnerable young thing and she got all the attention and you were dropped. His wife had all this wonderful attention once, now you're getting it. There will be someone else, guaranteed.

Do something about your marriage, it is destroying you, leaving you vulnerable to predatory toads like your colleague.

It looks like no-one is valuing here - least of all you. 🌸

Not going to tell you my life story, but some of your situation resonates with me. I told my husband about the man at work hitting on me. I told him that I was flattered and, embarrassingly, attracted to him. That my DH's passivity and lack of physical interest with me was taking its toll on me. I wasn't trying to threaten him with OM. I just had to tell him how awful I felt. It took him several very difficult chats before he realised that I meant business. It was couple counselling / sex therapy or I was out.
That was a few months ago. We have done counselling. It has been successful. We spend more time together, we are more intimate, we try to have dates. Believe me I know how frustrated and rejected you have felt. And how powerful someone else's attention is. I would recommend giving your husband an ultimatum. Couple/ sex therapy or you leave. And you may still leave. It may be too late. Do not teach your children that they have to settle for second best, by selling for second best yourself.
Now about the OM. It took me a while to realise he was a sleaze. A man who felt my vulnerability and took advantage of it. And he started losing some of his power when I opened up to not only my DH, but also my sister and a few close friends. Are you in a position to confide to someone in real life? Do not underestimate how hard it is to deal with this on your own. Feel free to pm me if you wish. Your colleague may be honest, or he may be just a charmer who is good at what he does. Your relationship with your husband is the real issue here. Try not to get distracted by the OM. He is a symptom, not the answer.

@RomanyQueen1

Divorcing him will be the best way forward but as I said he will not let me go that easily. He has no real family around him. His parents passed away. His kids and I are all he’s got! And I am worried he might do something to himself... all very complicated!

Oh here we go. Are you my twin? Of course you worry. You feel responsible for his happiness. You are not, ultimately. You need to think of yourself. If you have feelings for him by all means try to work on your relationship. But do not stay out of guilt. I think it is no coincidence that another man is trying it on with you. You said yourself that you are attractive, and it sounds you have some anxiety and guilt issues. You are an ideal target.

" he will not let you go that easily" "he might do something to himself". Sounds like my ex. Last time I heard, he was still alive. Told you, you and I have a lot in common. Emotional blackmail is not okay. Again, the fact that you are sensitive to this makes you easy prey. Please look after yourself.

You know what , if I had no support network at all I would rather live the truth rather than a lie.
If my partner was this obsessed with someone else I wouldn’t want them in the slightest. Free your husband , he deserves much much better.

Sorry if I missed it but I can't see any mention of your colleagues wife.... I know you said you aren't willing to cheat on your husband but if you weren't married would you be willing to have an affair with another woman's husband?

I've been the wife that's been cheated on with a work colleague and it broke me. Please consider his wife and family if he has one.

" Free your husband he deserves much better". Better than what? Someone who feels rejected by the lack of intimacy and is feeling flattered by someone else's attentions? Get real. Having those feelings is not a problem. Acting on them would be. I don't see how your post is in any way helping the OP or her husband. But I bet it made you feel good and superior.

Bluetit101 that's very true. So many people could get hurt in the process. I hope for this man's wife's sake that he is not a serial cheater. Again, that colleague is a wake up call. Not the answer to the OP's problem.

You are not responsible for the actions of another person. Your husband is getting what he wants out of this relationship but you are not and are unlikely to as well. This is also what this work colleague is focussing on, your unhappiness with life at home which is making you more receptive to his sleazy behaviours. Both men are really nor right for you at all.

He is a man, not your jailer here. He cannot keep you with him if you do not want to stay with him. Your mother has stayed with her cheat of a husband for her own reasons but you do not have to meekly repeat what she has chosen to do.

@Scarlettmaid op has made no mention of going to counselling to try and help her own marriage. She’s literally obsessed with this other man.
Role reversal , if you weren’t always feeling your husbands advances would you be okay with him developing thid type of extreme crush ??? Would you even want to be with him?

@Scarlettmaid so in answer to your question He deserves better then a partner who is lusting after some old dude rather then work on the marriage issues

He is neither your problem or your solution. Follow the breadcrumb trail back to your relationship. You sound lonely and isolated. The first step is thinking about what you want, and heather or not you can get that within your marriage. If yes or maybe, that’s the focus, if not, consider your options and what you really want. Allow any fear to come in, it’s natural, but this guy really is just a nice distraction, isn’t he?

Whether, not heather!

Leftyone no I would not be happy at all. But if I had been the one refusing to address issues re intimacy in spite of them being raised numerous times, I guess I would have to accept that my DP is only human and will crave intimacy from someone else if I can't give it to them? True, there has been no mention of counselling, and in my opinion OP should be seriously considering it.

@Scarlettmaid

Thank you for your kind words. I feel like you understand where I am coming from.

@Lefty1

“You know what , if I had no support network at all I would rather live the truth rather than a lie.
If my partner was this obsessed with someone else I wouldn’t want them in the slightest. Free your husband , he deserves much much better.”

Please don’t be judging when you know nothing of him or my life.
For the past 6 years I only had eyes for my husband despite our sexless marriage. Being rejected by the man of your life kills you slowly. I’ve lost confidence in me. I felt ugly, that it was my fault because I was ugly. I suffered a lot but stayed because I love him and the promise to change was always there. I surely deserve better don’t I???
I still love my husband and I am fighting this attraction I have for this guy.

@Bluetit101

“Sorry if I missed it but I can't see any mention of your colleagues wife.... I know you said you aren't willing to cheat on your husband but if you weren't married would you be willing to have an affair with another woman's husband?”

Ohh my god.. yes of course I think of his wife too! Every time we sit and chat/work, my eyes keep going to his wedding ring and mine as a matter of fact and that fills me with guilt!! He has mentioned her but hasn’t complained about his marriage to me.