Both married but mutual attraction at work

[Sab06]

Hey guys,

A bit of background:
We are both married, he is much older than me and we work together 2 days a week.

I don’t know where to start...we’ve known each other for 3 years. Normal work relationship up until 2 months ago. We both opened up about some hard time we had last year and it’s like something started then.. He was been very tactile with me (touching my arm, poking me with his pen on my leg, knee touching, shoulder..) all very subtle and at times he would be nervous around me. At first I didn’t think much of it until recently, when we were both sitting together working and all of a sudden I’ve felt a very strong sexual chemistry for this man. It was actually overwhelming. He is seriously not my type and is much older than me.
Slowly, slowly.. he started asking personel questions: how I’ve met my husband? Where do I live? What does my husband do? Show me pictures of your family? What types of foods do you like and so on...
he then one time said that we should go out for dinner with this other lady colleague (he wanted to introduce her to me)
I started to find myself very attracted to him. This feeling originally scared me. I wanted to ask my boss if I could work with another colleague to keep away.
Recently, to say hello he kissed me on the cheek and we hugged. It all was so natural. He held me for a little while and he hugged me really tightly. It really felt nice.
Fast forward, the second time it was more on the corner of my lips. He was excited during our chat and was looking at me with romantic eyes. He is regularly seeking my company. What is happening? Is he playing with me or has he just like me developed some kind of feelings???
I think I am falling for him!!

Now, I don’t intend on cheating on my husband! I envisage having a conversation with him and telling him that we HAVE to keep things PLATONIC.
What do you guys think.... does that sound like someone who just wants me in their bed or do you think he has genuine feelings for me?
I am constantly thinking of him.. please help!
Please be kind... I am turning to you guys for some help, advice, experience.

@Scarlettmaid

Your story is definitely similar to mine. I did once tell my husband that a colleague liked me to trigger a reaction from him.. as I wanted him to wake up and see me!!
I did beg my husband to go couple therapy but he is not fan of therapies.
It’s hard..

Divorce your husband then and don’t put him through the humiliation or have an honest conversation with him that you need your sexual needs to be met and ask him if he would consider an open marriage . Simple . There is nothing nuanced to your problem . Do the right thing .

@Lefty1

Unfortunately it’s not that “Simple”!! And it aren’t just about my sexual needs.. it’s about affection, love, intimacy, feeling close to someone, companionship!
All the comments have opened my eyes as to where the real issue is.. I don’t want to push on for another 6 years like this.

Your husband doesn't sound very co-operative. Why should you worry about how he might react if you leave him, whilst he just gets to keep living the life he wants... No effort, no sex because he's not into it, whilst you deal with feeling unwanted. It is quite unfair on you. You have a right to be heard. How did he react when you mentioned that colleague?

Lefty1 I wouldn't say it's simple. But I agree that things have to be done "right". That means no affair. Husband would get hurt, the co-worker's wife would get hurt, not to mention children. And OP would get hurt too. It would be an awful mess. It might be time to break up OP if your husband is not willing to commit to work on the marriage. You are right, you don't want another six years of this. Do not let your co-worker mess with your head any further.

This reads like a Mills and Boon novel, or one of those breathless letters to a problem page agony aunt!

Your writing style is very familiar, have you posted about this before?

No advice from me, sounds like you love the drama of the will I/won't I scenario and this will keep you going for ages. Remember you are (presumably) a grown woman making your own decisions. Office guy isn't acting in a vacuum.

I feel that my colleague has time for me, he listens to me

Course he does. He doesn't really care for you though. He's been around the block a few times. He knows you're shaggable.

Your colleagues absolutely will know.

Perhaps you could consider sex therapy or counselling to revive your marriage.

I feel sorry for you OP and I’m in a similar situation. I’m not happy in my marriage really. My husband is a great father and a generous kind person but the sex is awful. I can’t bring myself to leave as I would feel so so guilty. I have never acted on any of my feelings but I am very attracted to a guy at work. It’s hard. I miss good sex.

Hi
I think you sound quite naive but also I know how humiliating it is to be constantly rejected by your partner and to feel unnoticed sexually, it’s soul destroying. I am still with mine and I am tempted by the option of having an affair/snog or whatever but really I think we need to be brave enough to address our relationship issues, and get it sorted or leave. Having an affair isn’t the answer and won’t bring you the long term happiness and satisfaction that you are looking for.
I wish you all the best.

YOU ARE MARRIED!!!

OP - as someone who recently stepped over a line...if you don't want to cheat, then stop the flirting right now. It will go further. All it needs is a couple of drinks and your inhibitions lowered, and it will. If you are thinking of cheating...well, I'm not sure I'd recommend it, but you need to think about it very carefully: why you're doing it, what's going to be the outcome (particularly at work), how you will deal with any guilt, and how far you're willing to take it. You don't sound happy, and I don't think a fling with this man (particularly this man) sounds like it's going to resolve anything...

The flirting is a powerful thing - if you've been in a long term relationship, that feeling of being desired by someone else is hard to ignore. It's really hard to say no to it, but you also can't control it as well as you think you can. Be careful.

*So your husband won't have sex with you?

If so, I'd tell your husband you're going to have a fling and I'd go for it.*

If this was the other way around, the man would be told he's being selfish for expecting sex off his wife, and there must be a reason she doesn't want to have sex.

This workplace romance scenario is really common on Mumsnet. So many married posters yearning for various married colleagues. Maybe I'm working in a totally different environment, but there's nowt like that going on in my office.

OP you need couples counselling with DH first and foremost. Don't shag your colleague - it's not true love and it's not going to solve your problems.

*So your husband won't have sex with you?

If so, I'd tell your husband you're going to have a fling and I'd go for it.*

Bloody hell! Why can't people ever seem to LEAVE before shagging someone else if they're so unhappy with their sex life?

Go and find someone you are sexually compatible with after you leave. Otherwise you're just having your cake and eating it too. It is so selfish to have a home life and a fantasy life that would destroy your husband emotionally.

If he doesn't want sex and you aren't happy with that then address it and if you still aren't happy then leave!

You don't need to shag someone else to know that you aren't happy with your current sex life. I don't get it.

why are a couple of posters so certain colleagues know or am i naive?

i have never noticed anything like this at any jobs i've had.

Guys.. I am not going to CHEAT!! The whole point of me coming here (@OneInAMillionYou it’s my first time on mumsnet) was to offload, chat to people who would knock some sense back into my head, get some advice. Yeah.. Since posting I have been thinking a lot about my marriage and this OM. I agree he is a distraction.. a good one! But got to try to work one more/last time on my marriage.
I’ve decided to put as much distance between me and the OM and if all
Fails I will have a straight conversation to make sure he gets the memo! I am not gonna lie, it’s gonna be hard as we are definitely drawn to each other.

🙄

It's not love with this other guy. He's testing the water to see if you have any morals.

Just get another job op , this will totally mitigate all the firework explosion like attraction , that clearly can only be rivalled by Romeo and Juliet

^^SunshineCake

What I think is you sound about 15. You are enjoying the attention. You are pretending to be unsure what is going on and are hoping you sound completely irresistible .

I kind of hope your husband leaves you and takes the kids. For fucks sake grow up.

Don’t need any fucking horrible people to comment on my post... have you even read the whole thing or have you just jumped to the last page and judged me on my last post???
Thanks for the support!!!!
Before marrying, I haven’t had much experience with men. This attraction hit me hard and I didn’t know what to do with it!
Mean people please keep away!!!

Lefty1
I am sure the situation can be handled without me going to that extreme as I love my job.
As people on here have said, it must be infatuation which should pass hopefully as quick as it crushed me

Unfortunately people will comment as they see fit, and a lot of posters won't empathise with you, or console you as you try to deal with this infatuation.

You're married. He's married. It's not a boy meets girl true romance, it's sleazy as fuck.
Either mend your marriage or end your marriage before you do anything else.

I've read all your posts actually. I am not going to give support to someone who is emotionally cheating if not physically yet. Kissed the side of mouth ffs .