Both married but mutual attraction at work

[Sab06]

Hey guys,

A bit of background:
We are both married, he is much older than me and we work together 2 days a week.

I don’t know where to start...we’ve known each other for 3 years. Normal work relationship up until 2 months ago. We both opened up about some hard time we had last year and it’s like something started then.. He was been very tactile with me (touching my arm, poking me with his pen on my leg, knee touching, shoulder..) all very subtle and at times he would be nervous around me. At first I didn’t think much of it until recently, when we were both sitting together working and all of a sudden I’ve felt a very strong sexual chemistry for this man. It was actually overwhelming. He is seriously not my type and is much older than me.
Slowly, slowly.. he started asking personel questions: how I’ve met my husband? Where do I live? What does my husband do? Show me pictures of your family? What types of foods do you like and so on...
he then one time said that we should go out for dinner with this other lady colleague (he wanted to introduce her to me)
I started to find myself very attracted to him. This feeling originally scared me. I wanted to ask my boss if I could work with another colleague to keep away.
Recently, to say hello he kissed me on the cheek and we hugged. It all was so natural. He held me for a little while and he hugged me really tightly. It really felt nice.
Fast forward, the second time it was more on the corner of my lips. He was excited during our chat and was looking at me with romantic eyes. He is regularly seeking my company. What is happening? Is he playing with me or has he just like me developed some kind of feelings???
I think I am falling for him!!

Now, I don’t intend on cheating on my husband! I envisage having a conversation with him and telling him that we HAVE to keep things PLATONIC.
What do you guys think.... does that sound like someone who just wants me in their bed or do you think he has genuine feelings for me?
I am constantly thinking of him.. please help!
Please be kind... I am turning to you guys for some help, advice, experience.

@PicsInRed
Thank you, love it!

You sound a bit giddy to be honest OP, try to keep a cool head and just see it for what it is...nothing. keep your distance and get a bit of perspective. Sounds like you are after a bit of excitement but we all know how these things end.

Oh and I think knee touching and kissing on the corner of the mouth are already way over the line.

Don't get all caught up and break up your family for no reason. You are in control of this situation, better stop this being silly before it gets to the point of no return.

Sorry to sound a little curt, but honestly you are being really stupid.

@Huskylover1

No he won’t! He has a very very low libido. It wasn’t like that at first, he was passionate with high sex drive.
I even embarrassed myself by dressing up all sexy for him, with hills and he rejected me 😢 It really hurt me at the time. I had countless chat with him and that I needed my sexual needs to be meet. He promises he will change but then no efforts and we are back to square one!
As you can imagine, feeling humiliated, I stopped trying and have been trying to convince myself that I am happy this way.
I can’t cheat on him!! I haven’t got it in me. With my colleague, I try to be stone cold at times as I don’t want to encourage him but inside I am a mess.

@Starlive23

You are totally right and thanks for your honesty! I am stupid!! I am acting like a school girl who has a crush!

You have all helped with your comments.. even the harsh ones!

It's not your heart and head. It's your head and your sex organs that are battling it out OP

Thank you, love it!

You're welcome, get it stuck in your head, remember that no magic will make him a prince and STAY AWAY FROM HIM. Life destruction lies that way.

Talk to your husband and (probably) separate...and date single people. That makes for a much more comfortable, happy and undramatic life. Telenovelas are only fun to watch, not to live. 💃😭

You need to sort out your relationship with your OH- perhaps consider leaving him if he is unwilling to address the sexual issues you have

Setting aside the sleazy guy from work here. You don't have to stay in a sexless marriage with someone who ignores you. Your kids can still have their dad in their lives without you having a miserable marriage.

He has a very very low libido. It wasn’t like that at first, he was passionate with high sex drive. I even embarrassed myself by dressing up all sexy for him, with hills and he rejected me. It really hurt me at the time. I had countless chat with him and that I needed my sexual needs to be meet. He promises he will change but then no efforts and we are back to square one! As you can imagine, feeling humiliated, I stopped trying and have been trying to convince myself that I am happy this way.

It sounds like he put on an act, reeled you in, and how he is now is the true him. Not a sexual person. It sounds very familiar, so I wonder...

Try reading this thread and see if anything resonates:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3524836-Married-to-someone-with-Aspergers-support-thread-4-replacement-one

Sounds like this is a symptom of problems in your marriage to me, colleague is a distraction (and an ego boost) nothing more, nothing less. If you're unhappy then figure out a way through whatever is stopping you leaving and build a future for yourself that does make you happy. If there really is something with this man (there isn't) then he will do the same and you can be together in the future but for now neither of you have anything to offer the other apart from a whole load of trouble and heartache. Distance yourself, however you can and use this as a catalyst to sort out your marriage, you deserve to be happy

It’s all me, me, me. OP, not to be too hard on you (because you will shag him, you do know this, right?), you MUST consider others in what will be the messiest equation you’ll ever have to solve.

Even if you take each other by the hand and cannonball into a brand spanking new, backlit life together, the fallout will be HUMONGOUS. Do you think his wife and your husband will passively leave you two to it, with their tails between their legs? And let’s talk about kids, yours and, presumably his. What do you know about his kids?

All I’m saying is look once, look twice, look three times before you leap. I think your marriage is an unhealthy and unhappy one. I don’t believe in staying put in a dead marriage. But I think there are happier, healthier ways of leaving a marriage gone stale. Breaking up two marriages to run off with the Man in a Midlife Crisis is unlikely to be your solution.
Unless... you love your colleague.
Do you love him?

I think you need to know the difference between your heart and your groin, OP. This man sees you as available - you need to show him you're not. I would ask my line manager to move me - this guy is very inappropriate.

Sort your marriage out separately. Don't risk everything for the sake of getting that itch scratched (so to speak!)

sab

re your comment:-
"My relationship with my husband has been very difficult at times.. I would initiate sex but he would not be interested. I am fairly pretty and sexy, so I’ve suffered a lot from his rejections! I’ve cried a lot, tried to end it all as living with him was like living with a flatmate!! We have kids and I need him around. I know he will never let me go and I don’t want my kids to grow up without a dad".

Why do you say your H will never let you go?. You are in a sexless and perhaps now a loveless marriage or what will in all certainty become one. Would you want your children to have a relationship like this as adults, no you would not. So why is this seemingly good enough for you?. It really is not and its not good enough for them either. Do not model this as their norm.

Staying for the children is basically your way of saying that you fear change and the unknown. That says more about you than them, you are not really staying for them at all. By staying with your H in such circumstances you are placing a heavy burden upon them and its not one they will say thank you for doing. They will call you daft for staying because of them and wonder why you put him before them particularly as they become older.

Neither this work colleague nor your husband are the right men for you really. This work colleague has latched onto your innate vulnerabilities here and has run with it, he to you is a distraction for the problems that are happening in your marriage. He is playing you really because he is only in this for an ego boost and or conquest, he knows all too well your wanting to be desired. Ultimately you need to avoid this man altogether by moving departments within the firm or to actually leave.

Build a life for your own self without either this work colleague or your H in it day to day.

Your H is not a good dad to them either if he is not much of a husband to you. Children are perceptive and they do pick up on all the vibes, both spoken and unspoken here, between you and their dad. They see your unhappiness even though you try to hide it and worse still perhaps even blame themselves. Your children as well cannot and must not be used as the glue here to bind you and he together; it is grossly unfair on them for you to do that.

I have been married for 6 years and I never looked at any other men... I feel that my colleague has time for me, he listens to me, cares for me. My relationship with my husband has been very difficult at times.. I would initiate sex but he would not be interested. I am fairly pretty and sexy, so I’ve suffered a lot from his rejections! I’ve cried a lot, tried to end it all as living with him was like living with a flatmate!! We have kids and I need him around. I know he will never let me go and I don’t want my kids to grow up without a dad

I understand why you’d feel upset. And to be honest I can understand why you’re enjoying this attention. But the problems in your marriage will never be fixed by this other guy, and they certainly will never be fixed by having an affair

Talk to your husband. Tell him how you’ve been feeling (just don’t mention the work colleague). Suggest marriage counselling. Offer every possible way of getting your marriage back on track because if you end up splitting at least you can say you 100% tried

Also - I know he will never let me go

If you wanted to leave he cannot stop you.

I don’t want my kids to grow up without a dad

They wouldn’t.

To be completely honest, if you've decided you're not going to cheat on your husband then the question of whether or not your co-worker has feelings for you is totally irrelevant. Keep things professional and focus on your marriage. Good luck.

oystir59

It's not your heart and head. It's your head and your sex organs that are battling it out OP

Yes! I am lusting over him.. would you blame a woman in a sexless marriage to feel lust for a man that actually is showing interest, attraction, care.. and sexual attraction!

It’s quite a cliche. Older man, probably menopausal wife, sex drive plummeting and a younger woman, getting no attention at home....

Do the decent thing and end it with DH and see how you feel. Don’t be s cheat.

Hello fairly pretty sexy girl

What are you getting out of the relationship with your husband now in terms of your own needs being met, what is in this for you?. You are getting something out of this relationship with him so what is it?. If you are not getting anything out of this with your husband then why are you still there?

Do not mention your children in your reply, tell me what is in this relationship for YOU as an individual. That is something indeed for you to think about.

Your comments all make sense to me. Trust me I have tried talking, crying and even threatened to leave him.. but he says he will put efforts, he will change but only words and no action!
It is a hard one.. I still love him but I resent him at times for being a crappy husband.
I give you a small exemple: we went out on a dinner date, the first in 2 years (my sister was visiting and kindly offered to babysit for us). I put on heels, dressed up nice... but It really felt like 2 friends going on dinner. He didn’t touch me once!!!! No kisses, no compliment...nothing. The only comment he made to me was: “ohh you are going for it with the foods!!” I just wanted to cry! Held my head high and pushed my plate away. Prior to that night, I was dieting, lost lots of baby weight and it was my first treat/meal in ages.
Anyway, I get your points about children feeling, sensing when parents are unhappy.

Yes, this man is a distraction and breath of fresh air! I have been playing with fire just because I need to feel loved! Hence why I was asking about your thoughts on this guy’s behaviour, if it was love or just a shag in his mind. I don’t want just a fling.. I just want to be loved!

TheVanguardSix

It’s all me, me, me. OP, not to be too hard on you (because you will shag him, you do know this, right?), you MUST consider others in what will be the messiest equation you’ll ever have to solve.

TheVanguardSix... I don’t agree with you it sounds like it’s all about me but it’s not. The reason why I am here is because I haven’t put myself first ever, I haven’t been selfish and NO I WILL NOT SHAG HIM! I am not interested in that!
The other reason why I am writing on here is because I need someone to knock some sense back into me (which you all have done!) I am not looking to wreck my life or his or our respective children.
Guys at work are often trying to flirt, or checking me out.. but as I said I’ve always put my head down and never had interest in any other man.

AttilaTheMeerkat

What are you getting out of the relationship with your husband now in terms of your own needs being met, what is in this for you?. You are getting something out of this relationship with him so what is it?. If you are not getting anything out of this with your husband then why are you still there?

I guess the love is still there and I live in hope that he will one day wake up and smell the coffee!
I am getting his help with the kids. He is very hands on. I work part time, he doesn’t!

This guy seems too practiced, too good, as someone else pointed out. He's done this before. Its unlikely that this time its true love. He just wants the thrill of illicit sex.

"It sounds like he put on an act, reeled you in, and how he is now is the true him."
This wouldn't have been done intentionally. The excitement of the early days of a relationship would have raised his libido to an artificially high level. But once the honeymoon period passed, it returned to its true level.

Scott72

“This guy seems too practiced, too good, as someone else pointed out. He's done this before. Its unlikely that this time its true love. He just wants the thrill of illicit sex.”

I agree with you Scott72! When I think about it, everything he does seem to start very subtly and every time we meet, he takes it up a notch.. he has shown so much interest in me and taking notice of my energy, my mood. Say for example: I am being cold/professional with him, he will say: “oh you look tired today” “oh you don’t seem yourself today”.... and will compliment me all the time subtly “oh you’r looking much better than last week!”