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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

something is wrong and i dont know what to do next (this may get long and complicated- sorry)

124 replies

worriedwife · 19/07/2007 12:12

hi, i am a regular who has changed names for obv reasons

dh and i have been married for 7 yrs and have 3 young children. in the past he has been unfaithful to me (as in he slept with someone else) , we stayed together as it seemed really out of character and in part i kind of blamed myself a bit as i hadnt wanted to have sex for literally ages (2nd child was 4 months old at the time it happened but i didnt find out til about 6 months later).

anyway, just got back from family holiday last week, i had thought that things were going ok , we had had a nice time, he suddenly announces that he has to go back to work a few days earlier than planned as a big job has come in and he needs to see to it. so last night, he was going to be working late, he is normally back 6.30 ish to put kids to bed but i wasnt expecting him til about 10. anyway, at 6.30, he rang me while i was bathing the kids. nothing strange there. then i put kids to bed, did dishes etc and then decided to do 1471 to check that noone else had called me while i was sorting the kids out (as was waiting for a call from my brother). anyway, it was the call dh had made to me, except it wasnt his work number, it was completely different (but still a local number). this is now an hour or so after he called me from it. so i summoned up the courage and rang the number and a woman answered. i made an excuse about having a wrong number and rang off. so then, i decided to call dh at his work and he was there so that was an hour and a quarter after he had phoned me seemingly from this womans number.

so i was going to confront him last night, spent whole evening feeling a horrible sick feeling and later on that evening i casually mentioned that i had done 14713 thinking it was my brother and got straight through to a girl who didnt know what i was talking about. he was flippant about it and wandered off. later i scribbled down the number and showed him and asked if he recognised the number as it was really bugging me who it couldve been. he barely glanced at it and just said no stright away. so i then put the number in my bag. this morning it is gone. he also has taken to hiding away his mobile phone when he always used to leave it out in the same place.

so now obv am feeling really shitty and dont know what to do next. how can i approach him about it? becausce whether theres something going on or not his answer is likely to be the same. and dont want to come over all bunny boilerish if nothing is going on. just have this bad feeling i cant shake off. i would rather know obv one way or the other. do you think iam reading too much into this or would you be suspicious too? god, i just feel sick. any advice gratefully receieved.

OP posts:
eleusis · 19/07/2007 17:48

Do you think he is just pissed off at the accusation? And don't go feeling guilty like it's your fault he's acting like this. After all, you probably wouldn't be thinking these things if you hadn't been there before, and that is HIS fault.

overdraft · 19/07/2007 17:55

I would still be careful.Woman my dh had an affair with was older than me and a plain looking woman and I am not just saying that. When I told people who it was , they laughed and didn't belive me ( I like winding people up). I think the thing is woman like this put out i.y.k.w.i.m and are just the type to have an affair.

I hope I am wrong and you are right ,but I am just saying keep your wits about you

overdraft · 19/07/2007 17:57

Affairs are not about attractiveness. I found that out after going to relate. I found this very hard to cope with and still do t.b.h.

We both knew the woman and I suspected she fancied him ,but thought it was funny as he would never look at HER

purplepoppet · 19/07/2007 18:03

Is that true then Overdraft about affairs not being about attractiveness?? So it's not a case of these men being 'physically' attracted to other woman, iykwim??

overdraft · 19/07/2007 18:08

Of course they fancy them I suppose, but it's more about opportunity in those situations.Also about low self estem and the attention.
We all know about men that will sleep with a woman they don't even fancy just for sex.
Lots of men will have an affair with the office sex bomb if they can get it, but it is not the norm.

purplepoppet · 19/07/2007 18:10

Yeah, that's very true!

overdraft · 19/07/2007 18:11

My dad had an affair with an 19 year old blonde who was very attractive ( he was 36 at the time). This is why I had that misconception I think.

purplepoppet · 19/07/2007 18:12

...my dh for some reason absolutely 'craved' attention. Could be alot of the reason for his wandering ways..

overdraft · 19/07/2007 18:13

Are you still together Purple?

purplepoppet · 19/07/2007 18:13

Oh my word!

purplepoppet · 19/07/2007 18:16

No! You can read all about my crazy sh*t in two other threads that are running (Advice - Husband blames me for Affair and Should I email the other woman!)

Sorry Worriedwife, not meaning to hyjack your thread

overdraft · 19/07/2007 18:17

I am off out in a minute,but will read and post on there when I get home

purplepoppet · 19/07/2007 18:18

It's just my dh should I say ex dh, was extremely good at making me believe that I was paranoid, even though he's behaviour was exceptionally shifty!! He could lie and blag his way out of a paper bag and I was 'stupid' enough to fall for it...and I'd like to say I'm not the sort of person who falls for it either tbh, however, he always managed to convince me I was imagining things and I obviously believed him because I didn't want to face the truth about what sort of a man my husband was, iykwim

purplepoppet · 19/07/2007 18:20

worriedwife, let us know how you get on with your 'chat'.

Be strong! Big hugs xxx

worriedwife · 19/07/2007 18:25

thank you i will. though if you knew me in RL you would prob guess that its more than likely i will ignore it all, not say anything, get pissed on my own while he potters the evening away in another room of the house.
but i will try, if only for you girls!

OP posts:
eleusis · 20/07/2007 08:50

How did it go?

worriedwife · 20/07/2007 10:02

hi,

when he came in i had already told him i had wanted a chat so he knew something was up. i told him i had been in a real state all day about this phone call and why i was worried and he was cross. and said i was being ridiculous. i said i realised i had made a mistake and that i didnt trust him because of what had happened before and that i reacted to the situation on gut instinct. but also that i was sure that he hadnt done anything and that i was being silly. i always end up backtracking and bloody apologising when i know i shouldnt. dont like confrontation see and we both seem to be good at turning things around so the other person looks bad, esp him i think.
anyway he then went on to say and i quote ' no matter how much you piss me off (((nice)))) i'm not so stupid as to think any other woman would be any different.'
great! that makes me feel a whole lot better then. what i thought was going to follow the first bit was 'i love you and always will and would never do such a thing to hurt you' . then he said he wasnt going to try and reassure me because he doesnt have to.
so all in all he was a bit of a tw@t about it really and i just felt cross. dont know what hes trying to say really. i dont think i make him happy particularly but then often the feelings mutual. you know, its kind of like not bad enough to go but i get the feeling life ought to be much happier. but he s a great dad to the kids and i wouldnt want to deprive them of that for no good reason.

OP posts:
worriedwife · 20/07/2007 10:04

ps and then i got pissed on my own in front of the telly whilst he sat in another room all evening

OP posts:
magsi · 20/07/2007 10:31

He can still be a good father to your kids no matter what. Don't let this be a reason to stay together. If you ask me, he sounds like he has shot your confidence and self esteem out of the window. I would just patiently wait and gather evidence and proof. Your not stupid and you know when something is wrong. And anyway, who can flippin' blame you for being suspicious. Be stronger than him and don't show any weakness infront of him. Confuse him into a false sence of security whilst you gather your case together. Be strong.

Meeely2 · 20/07/2007 10:39

WW - secretly do you want all this to be true so that it IS bad enough for you to leave? Kinda gives you a reason?

If not i am very sorry, but i went through this a year or so ago - turns out i was completely off target, he wasn't being norty at all, but at time, i was like, upset but also thinking, maybe this is good, a new start for me and kids, etc etc....

CountessDracula · 20/07/2007 10:39

OMG

He shagged around before and doesn't see why he should try and reassure you

Sorry but he sounds like a selfish childish wanker to me

eleusis · 20/07/2007 12:19

Agree with CD. He is not a nice man.

Do you want your children to learn that the way he behaves is an acceptable way to treat one's spouse. Or worse, do want them to learn that it is acceptable to be treated this way?

He's not being very nice to you, and that is an image I personally would feel my children were better off without.

worriedwife · 20/07/2007 13:17

he is a nice man. he's just messed up. the kids dont know about what does or doesnt go on. i always want him in their lives.

OP posts:
eleusis · 20/07/2007 15:11

You think the kids don't know you are unhappy? They may not know why, bt surely they are affected.

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