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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

something is wrong and i dont know what to do next (this may get long and complicated- sorry)

124 replies

worriedwife · 19/07/2007 12:12

hi, i am a regular who has changed names for obv reasons

dh and i have been married for 7 yrs and have 3 young children. in the past he has been unfaithful to me (as in he slept with someone else) , we stayed together as it seemed really out of character and in part i kind of blamed myself a bit as i hadnt wanted to have sex for literally ages (2nd child was 4 months old at the time it happened but i didnt find out til about 6 months later).

anyway, just got back from family holiday last week, i had thought that things were going ok , we had had a nice time, he suddenly announces that he has to go back to work a few days earlier than planned as a big job has come in and he needs to see to it. so last night, he was going to be working late, he is normally back 6.30 ish to put kids to bed but i wasnt expecting him til about 10. anyway, at 6.30, he rang me while i was bathing the kids. nothing strange there. then i put kids to bed, did dishes etc and then decided to do 1471 to check that noone else had called me while i was sorting the kids out (as was waiting for a call from my brother). anyway, it was the call dh had made to me, except it wasnt his work number, it was completely different (but still a local number). this is now an hour or so after he called me from it. so i summoned up the courage and rang the number and a woman answered. i made an excuse about having a wrong number and rang off. so then, i decided to call dh at his work and he was there so that was an hour and a quarter after he had phoned me seemingly from this womans number.

so i was going to confront him last night, spent whole evening feeling a horrible sick feeling and later on that evening i casually mentioned that i had done 14713 thinking it was my brother and got straight through to a girl who didnt know what i was talking about. he was flippant about it and wandered off. later i scribbled down the number and showed him and asked if he recognised the number as it was really bugging me who it couldve been. he barely glanced at it and just said no stright away. so i then put the number in my bag. this morning it is gone. he also has taken to hiding away his mobile phone when he always used to leave it out in the same place.

so now obv am feeling really shitty and dont know what to do next. how can i approach him about it? becausce whether theres something going on or not his answer is likely to be the same. and dont want to come over all bunny boilerish if nothing is going on. just have this bad feeling i cant shake off. i would rather know obv one way or the other. do you think iam reading too much into this or would you be suspicious too? god, i just feel sick. any advice gratefully receieved.

OP posts:
worriedwife · 19/07/2007 13:13

mylittlestar, am going to email you now. will have to be v careful though as we share email address....

OP posts:
worriedwife · 19/07/2007 13:14

will feel such a tit if i have got this all wrong esp as you have all been so kind

OP posts:
eleusis · 19/07/2007 13:15

Go to hotmail and make a new e-mail address that only you know about.

eleusis · 19/07/2007 13:15

Did you google the phone number?

mylittlestar · 19/07/2007 13:15

ok I understand xx

worriedwife · 19/07/2007 13:18

mylittlestar, have emailed you. and deleted sent and deleted trash!

eleusis, i did google it but it didnt come up with anything

OP posts:
eleusis · 19/07/2007 13:21

Go make that new e-mail address. Write the phone number in an e-mail and send it to yourself. Then it will be stored in a place where he can not access it.

MoreHarryThanHermione · 19/07/2007 13:22

I know this sinking feeling

Dh was being really secretive with mobile...taking it everywhere. i had never checked his phone before.

One sunday morning he went to shops and left it behind. sure enough ws text from girl saying she could not stop thinking about him

I texted her back from his phone whilst locked in toilet and asked what had she been thinking? She replied "you know" and she had a spare ticket to concert and did he want to go??

Then he came back and I clonked him over the head with the phone

He "reckons" was a girl he spoke to at work who lived 200 miles away and she was young and had a crush on him...never met her.

Still never got to the bottom of it.

worriedwife · 19/07/2007 13:25

what happened? did you stay together? do you trust him now?

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tiredemma · 19/07/2007 13:28

A friend has suspected her husband of having an affair with a woman that he works with for a while now- but no actual proof- He denies anything is going on- he loves his wife etc etc

She found his mobile the other day next to him ( he was asleep ) and just this once, it was not 'locked'- so she looked- he had a message from the woman that she suspects and it says

" I love you too"

Nothing in his 'sent' box - perhaps he texted " I love you" then immediatly deleted it and fell asleep before other woman text back.....

....amazingly he has managed to worm his way out of it, telling his wife that they are just good friends and he provides a shoulder for her to cry on!!!

she believes him- I think she knows he is lying but is desperate to keep him.

Im amazed- If my DP had a one night stand- although I would be devastated, I would refuse to allow it to ruin my relationship ( as long as he was bloody sorry of course)

But if I found a text, where its obvious two people are claiming to love eachother- he would be so fast out of that door and never let back in.

MoreHarryThanHermione · 19/07/2007 13:32

i was 7 months pregnant with baby no 3.

He is not financially responsible and just has delusions off granduer (trust me he is no looker). I stayed, but it still niggles me to this day...he conveniently got a new phone and "lost" the old one.

I am planning on leaving but not because of the call, I just think he is never going to change his whole lifestyle and me and the kids deserve a bit of normality.

I really hope you can get through this, but you do need to find out, and he isnt going to tell you.

MoreHarryThanHermione · 19/07/2007 13:34

I agree tiredmamma. All of us make mistakes, but its another thing if its mistake after mistake. or an ongoing affair, a planned emotional thing....thats another story altogether

eleusis · 19/07/2007 13:37

If my husband had an affair, I would take the kids and leave. If he was truly sorry it would still be too little too late.

worriedwife · 19/07/2007 13:38

its the deceit and the lying and pretending everything is all normal that gets me. carrying on being the doting dad and us looking like the perfect couple when people see us together.

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worriedwife · 19/07/2007 13:39

its hard though eleusis when youve been with someone so long and you have the kids to think about and where you will get money from. i always thought i would leave but here i am after it happened before now worried its happening again...

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elesbells · 19/07/2007 13:41

i could forgive a one nighter but not an affair. you can put a one night stand down to lots of things drink, foolishness, getting carried away ect. but an affair to me is disloyal emotionally as it involves planning and a series of lies to keep it going.

MoreHarryThanHermione · 19/07/2007 13:42

Worried wife...are you sure it really is happening?

Just call and ask who she is - then if she says why? Just say that dh called from that phone and said he was at work and he clearly wasnt...so who the hell is she? if she doesnt tell you can tell her that you are going to get BT to trace her as a nuisance caller.

Im so frustrated for you

eleusis · 19/07/2007 13:44

I would never forgive. Saying otherwise would only an escercise of felf-deceit.

eleusis · 19/07/2007 13:45

escercise = excercise

worriedwife · 19/07/2007 13:53

moreharrythanhermione (your name is too long!)- no i'm not sure. it all just seems weird thats all and i dont know how to go about finding out. my friend has tried calling the number but theres no reply so she is out and its obv not a business number.

OP posts:
eleusis · 19/07/2007 13:55

Can you look up the phone number of the person whom you think it might be on the BT website?

MoreHarryThanHermione · 19/07/2007 14:00

Have you asked him why he took the number out of your bag?

I bet she is not answering on purpose.

MHTH

mylittlestar · 19/07/2007 14:57

Got mate in work (male) to try the number - said I wanted as much info as possible and explained what to say. But wouldn't tell him why. He thinks I'm odd now!
Which I am.

But no answer

H and I just had massive fall out and think we've agreed to a divorce so think I am going to take my jibbering wreck of a body home and sort my head out. I will try again later for you if you want me to.
Will come on here to check first though and I won't reply to your email.

Hope you're ok xx

worriedwife · 19/07/2007 15:07

bloody hell mylittlestar . are you ok? stupid question really i guess.

h just called to say he is going to be late again tonight
also to say if i want to i can go to london all day on sunday for the day on my own (to visit someone) which he previously said no to....

OP posts:
eleusis · 19/07/2007 15:09

Oh no, worriedwife, he sounds like a real tosser. I wish MistressMiggins was here to give you some advice.