Dating thread 159 - Should I Stay or Should I Go Now

[DaffoDeffo]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

thanks vwman, I think I do know what his values are and I’m pretty sure he would freak. Maybe the difference in our values in itself means I shouldn’t string him along by meeting him 😕.

@Cassettes I think it depends on any conversations you have with this guy really. I didn't ask any exclusivity questions really until not using condoms came up. We both had STI checks and all clear but I made it clear (or thought I did) that I didn't want to be having unprotected sex with him if he was still sleeping with other people. That's when he said he wasn't.

@CassettesAreCool definitely don't tell him. Its none of his business at this point. If you decide you like him and want to be exclusive then you ditch the FWB.

I agree that not sleeping with others and being in a relationship are different.

But, if someone had a ‘are you shagging anyone else?’ conversation that also included an explanation that they were only interested in DTD if it was exclusive, then I’d see it as a clear indication that the apps were off limits. Or that’s what the conversation was trying to agree. Because you’d only be on them if you were looking for someone else (to potentially DTD). It’s a conversation taking it to ‘let’s see if this becomes a relationship’.

But, that said, I do think it is always important to make it clear what is happening with the apps in OLD. It just makes it easier for everyone.

It’s hard because people will have so many different attitudes to multi-dating/exclusivity/sex/everything. Getting all that aligned and clarified for everyone requires truly unBritish levels of candor.

CassettesAreCool my attitude has always been, what has happened in the past is nothing to do with me. I have never asked how many sex partners a woman has had, or the last time they had sex. Ignorance is bliss and I don't really like any woman talking about her experiences either, I just blank my mind to it. But I am concerned about going forward.

Hear hear to that crustaceans!

@Crustaceans Unbritish is the word!

Yeah i totally agree with that - my guy who it's over with - I asked him about 'seeing other people' after we'd DTD a few times and once without protection (STD clear), he said he only wanted to 'see me', but later transpired he was on an app and I had to have that convo all over again. He deleted immediately but it just breeds mistrust - because exactly - why would you be OLD if you weren't interested in seeing/sleeping with other people? It doesn't stack up.

I think the real issue may be that you know he’d expect exclusivity if you wanted to try to see if it went anywhere, and especially if you were to DTD with him. But you actively don’t want to do that, and would not be willing to offer exclusivity (and to give up your FWB) until you’d DTD several times to be sure.

I’d be very unhappy if someone said they wanted sexual exclusivity (because I’d said so) but they actually meant ‘possible sexual exclusivity if I decide you’re worth it’. Obviously everyone is deciding if someone is worth it, but it sounds like he’s been clear that he’s a sleeping with one person at a time kind of guy.

Obviously you’re not wrong to have a different attitude. But being upfront would be better. So, I’d suggest telling him about the FWB and the period of non-exclusivity during the date (if you are feeling it enough to want to see him again).

Haha I feel like I'm reading my own posts here @Crustaceans totally on the same wave length on everything here

@CassettesAreCool

That is a tricky one, I told the guy I’m seeing on our first date about my FWB (it was a blind date, so no real chat beforehand), I was planning on going back to his so being honest about what I was getting upto elsewhere was important. He does however know I would stop having sex with the FWB for the right person.

Different things work for different people, but I personally am always very honest, even if it’s a one nighter type thing.

The different interpretations are interesting regarding still being on apps and sleeping with others.

If I was asked if I was sleeping with anybody else and answered no, then for me that automatically means I'm not active on the apps anymore.

What's the point of being on the apps if you're committing not necessarily to being in a relationship but at least to a single sexual partner. This is my own personal opinion but I don't want the constant distraction of the apps at the point where I'm trying to work out if what I've already started is going anywhere.

Clearly we're all very different and lots of people have different agendas so clarity is key.

Oh and Cassettes if I found out somebody had been continuing to sleep with a FWB whilst trying me out for size, particularly after agreeing exclusivity, then I'd be very pissed off.

Sunshine notcool hope you're both doing ok?

30 how are you today?

Thanks for your input all, especially crustaceans. vwman I think your thoughts are probably where Mr Desperate is coming from. So I’m going to go on the date and probably not have to face the issue as there won’t be the spark. If there is, I will put my cards on the table. That’s what I would want from him, after all. For neither of us to be British!

@Ant330 I'll be ok thanks. Longest/best 'relationship' ive been in since my separation but the separation didn't kill me so this won't either!

How are things with you after the weekend?

ant I think you misunderstood me. If I agreed to exclusivity, that would be what he got, of course.

Ah ok, apologies I was probably speed reading to catch up, sorry!

Eurghhhh I forgot how much I hate the start of chatting to new IRONS.

Got 3, 2 are just talking about themselves. Not asked me one question at all - at least 15 messages exchanged.
1 is straight in there for "sexy pictures" apparently that has to be the reason "someone like me is on here"

FUCK MY LIFE

Oh @CassettesAreCool I misunderstood you too. I thought you said you would sleep with them both a few times until you decided if this one was worth dropping your FWB 🤦🏻‍♀️

I am so not looking forward to the realities of OLD again

Sunshine notcool and 30something so sorry things have been so difficult for you all. I do think there is a 3 month 'milestone' for relationships where reality sets in and sometimes one party ends the relationship, or there is an incident which causes the end of the relationship.

Cassettes if I met a guy and we slept together I would be upset if I found out he had a FWB and had not told me. I think that is a learning point for me to make sure that I ask a very explicit exclusivity question before I ever dtd with someone. I have met someone I like although it is very early days, so I am listening to what everyone is saying and what I am taking away is that clarity of communication is key. I totally get how much of a passion killer it can potentially be if you have to ask someone a checklist of questions before you dtd so I think I will try to have a conversation with my new guy well before we get naked together. I know that he has been single for 18 months, but of course that doesn't mean that he hasn't dtd for 18 months.

And I am going to insist that we use condoms as well. I asked the last two guys that I slept with and they point blank refused to use condoms, on the basis that they were 'clean' and they implied that I must be a bit 'flighty' if I wanted to use them. I got guilt tripped into having unprotected sex because I felt embarrassed about insisting that we used them, and I felt judged for asking. I actually went for a full STI check-up today and was talking to the doctor about this. She was very sympathetic and said that it was less easy for an older woman to insist on using condoms as we can't use the excuse that we are worried about getting pregnant. She did very nicely impress on me the need to stand my ground with confidence, and I now have a bag full of condoms and sachets of lube

Do any of you also have problems getting guys to use condoms, or have I just been unlucky/weak? Just to be clear, I am going to insist on it from now on.

Not just you @LilyRose88 My ex refused to use one at all. Said that we were together and that I must be sleeping with others if I wanted to use one. Was very nasty about that. (This was the guy that was married BTW and I didn't know) I felt guilty and so to prove I wasn't I did.

The last one, wouldn't use one so I sat on the bed and said "well looks like its goodnight from me and goodbye from my vagina"

He laughed and said ok I will. Thankfully for that. As he turned out to have a GF 🙄

lifegoes it is horrible when they imply that you must be being unfaithful or 'dirty' if you want to use a condom. Some men seem to take it as a personal insult! I will use your line if I ever get stuck in a difficult situation again

@LilyRose88 from my personal experience,most men will avoid using them if at all possible. I don't exactly love them as I find them a bit of a passion killer but I would definitely use them when I first start sleeping with someone. It worries me how many men won't/don't want to use a condom but like to have multiple sexual partners.

@LilyRose88 just awful, but it was my ex that taught me I must never trust what they say with things like this. Never ever again do I want to have a check up due to unsure of where a man has been

If I was asked if I was sleeping with anybody else and answered no, then for me that automatically means I'm not active on the apps anymore.

I don't agree. Someone could be actively on the apps and looking and dating but not yet slept with someone. Not everyone sleeps with people quickly.

I think you have to be very clear with what is acceptable and isn't.