Dating thread 159 - Should I Stay or Should I Go Now

[DaffoDeffo]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

@vwman Well, he had no intention of being monogamous while he was with me so I guess so. I don't know if he actually slept with anyone else but he clearly wasn't against the idea if it were to be offered.

Was quite sad not to wake up to a good morning beautiful text this morning...first time in 2 months. I'm sure I wasn't the only one he sent them to though.

Sunshineandflipflops I feel genuinely sorry for you that he wasn't the good man you thought he was

Story of my life I'm afraid.

Sorry guys, just catching up on the thread. vwman Since when did you become psychologist to every male mind and their thought process? You absolutely can't speak for every male out there and how they think or feel, these theories are actually bonkers. Maybe there's a time just to keep quiet.

sunshineandflipflops I'm really sorry to hear about the end of your relationship, there will be someone better suited to you out there. I get why you're so hurt as an innocent comment you already believed you knew the answer to has opened this can of worms. I hope you manage to have some time to yourself and come back stronger.

sunshine can I just make one comment on this - I think everyone has such a different view of multi dating. We know this from earlier in the thread where some people do it and some people don't. I think my concern would be that you asked if he was sleeping with anyone else but you didn't state explicitly that you expected him not to be messaging/seeing anyone else and I think, if anything, we really have to learn to be clear with our expectations because we are all so different. I'm not back on dating but when I did it last time, I carried on messaging and meeting up with a few people even though I had seen one or two quite a few times because no one specifically asked if I was exclusive with them. At the time, which was earlyish last year, the feeling on the thread of the people on there was that you looked for exclusivity at the 2-3 month mark and that's when you had the conversation.

With a lot of different women on the thread now, most of whom don't endorse multi dating, that has changed what the view of the thread is but I wanted to point out that there are so many differing views.

I feel awful for you because there is nothing worse than hopes being dashed and I don't want you to think I'm criticising you in any way at all but I think we all have to learn to be really clear as to what we expect as people tend to interpret things in different ways :(. I hope he wasn't sleeping with anyone else for your sake and he actually may not have done.

@DaffoDeffo Thanks for your thoughts. I think you're right and in hindsight I should have been clearer about what I meant but as time went on his actions seemed to tell me he wasn't seeing anyone else and that it was going somewhere. Not necessarily somewhere heavy but in the direction of a relationship.

I just find having to ask someone the exclusivity question is a romance killer for me. It makes dating and getting to know someone feel sterile and transactory (if that's a word) but I guess that's how the world of dating is these days. I don't find the idea of multi-dating appealing or comfortable. If I have decided to get to know someone, i feel I owe it to them to give them my full attention, even if it only lasts a few dates. It's easy enough to go back on the apps if it doesn't work out.

I just feel like people are so disposable in the world of OLD and some of us feel things deeper than others.

Thanks for the support on here.

erina it's a good point you make. And this thread shows everyone isn't loved up. Although in real life it feels that way.

I think I'm always too open and when I fall I fall quick and hard. I can't believe how upset I am over a man I have only known 5 months. He has been truly wonderful in so many ways and I'm devastated that will end. Although I know I deserve someone who wants me as much as I want them.

sunshine you have behaved so well in all this. Full of dignity and self respect and staying true to what you deserve. You are an inspiration x

@DaffoDeffo - hmmm, but if someone had asked you 'Are you interested in sleeping with other people' and you'd said no....would you not also have stopped communicating? Or rather wouldn't you have assumed that the question was broad enough to mean...no dating/meeting/chatting? I ask that because otherwise....if we assume different approaches and have to be specific, it's like a checklist or interview - Are you On apps? Chatting? Meeting? Sleeping with? .... bit of a passion killer right? To me any sane adult knows if you bring up the question in whatever format - answering only that one question isn't enough - what the person is looking for is information....it's time to divulge surely?

Auba14 do you not talk to other women about relationship stuff? Men talk amongst themselves, I am just giving an insight that you will never gain as men will never tell you these things. These things may not be true of every man but a good proportion.

vwman Of course I talk to other women and men about relationship issues, however I don't for one second think I know exactly what is going through someones head when I pass a personal comment of mine on the thread. You talk like a misogynist from the 1950's who believe in a 'higher order of women'.

You can quite easily comment on the thread without telling people how other people are feeling without the slightest clue in reality.

Oh dear. Things on this thread have really taken a turn for the worse for so many people. I’m really sorry to hear about all the relationship endings and problems.

It seems like the exclusivity thing is really tough. Maybe there isn’t a right answer, but I do think that saying you’re not interested in sleeping with someone who is shagging elsewhere is totally reasonable. And I think it’s obvious from that statement that still actively using the apps is not going to be ok for you. If someone still wanted to multi-date/seek other dates they’d want to mention it during that conversation (because who tries to multi-date if they’ve no intention of DTD with people they’re dating at any point?).

It seems that 2-3 months in is a tough one for so many people. It’s weird how the thread seems to almost go in waves. Everything was looking quite rosy last week.

That said, MrCornish and MrBookworm sound totally lovely, so all is not lost.

Place-marking. Not dating at the mo as dealing with DD probs but to you all x

I personally think saying to someone "are you sleeping with anyone else" is enough. If they say no! To me they aren't then actively looking.
I would probably state "if that changes you need to be honest with me as I would to you"

But I don't think we should feel the need to ask a 100's of questions to define that. I asked my last one how long he's been single - he said since his divorce had a few FB along the way. But that was it, he was trying to find someone he could settle with.

Turned out he was in a 3yr relationship with a very young girl.

My point is, all we can do is trust the answers we are being given. It's up to the person to disclose if that changes or isn't true.

I know people differ on this, but if you state you aren't sleeping with anyone else, surely that means you aren't actively looking. And if you are texting and meeting up with others - then you are actively looking??

My love to everyone feeling shit, and to everyone feeling ever so slightly anxious about just how difficult this all is (that’s all the rest of us, probably!)

I’ve always found the multi-dating thing so confusing, and also the idea of the open question and answer sessions we seem to need to get anywhere close to normal human respect and dignity. Which leaves me feeling pretty clueless and at risk 😕

Anyway. Can anyone help me? I have an iron, Mr Desperate, who I’m meeting for coffee later in the week. We’ve both been absolutely clear that we are looking for an exclusive relationship and lots of sex. I’ve hidden my profile as I just can’t be arsed with the apps, it’s only a few days. BUT my exclusive FWB is coming round tonight. Should I tell Mr Desperate?

Auba14 what I say is not always my views on life, but I do often challenge someones thought process. I am not a misogynist, which if you knew me you would recognise, I am often disgusted with the actions of other men, so I would say I am more of a misandrist

@Cassettes I think if you haven't met this other guy yet then you don't need to tell him anything. You may not want to see him again after your first date so i'd re-evaluate then, o r after a few dates.

I don’t know. Is it the first time you’ve met MrDesperate?

It’s hard because saying you’re looking for exclusivity right at the start (I.e. before there is any relationship, however, tentative to be exclusive in) is not the same as saying you want exclusivity a few dates (or weeks or months) in when you are really meaning you want exclusivity with them (rather than a general aspiration from the OLD experience).

That said, I’m not sure how I’d feel about the exclusive FWB bit of it. It would sound to me like the other person wasn’t really looking for an actual relationship. I might just be over sensitive to these things though (and I couldn’t do a FWB thing myself anyway, as I’m not interested in DTD with someone I’m not romantically involved with - which would probably affect my view of things).

supercali I'm going to be completely honest and say if someone said to me 'are you sleeping with anyone else' I absolutely would not interpret that as 'are you off the apps'. I think there's a big difference between not sleeping with other people and not leaving your profile active.

I'm not saying we need a checklist or 100s of questions but I do think there is a big difference between 'are we in a relationship now' (which I would assume means off the apps totally) and 'are you not sleeping with anyone else'.

I can see why some people would think they were the same but I can see why a lot of people, especially those with FWB would see it differently.

Also want to say right now I don't sleep with lots of men at once, I have never done that. But I have also never gone off the apps till I have confirmed that it's a relationship we are having a go at and we are both off the apps and exclusive. I have met so many men, so so many men, whose definition of exclusive or relationship was totally different to mine hence having to confirm it!

Thanks sunshine I’m relieved to hear you say that. I don’t want to hurt anyone, especially after reading on here about what you and others are feeling. I guess though I should tell Mr D about the FWB straight up on the date, assuming there is a connection. He may well think I’m a player and not want to continue anyway?

So sorry @Sunshineandflipflops

What a rubbish few days for some of us on here!

I am back on the apps, worked my way through tinder last night over a bottle of wine...just 3 matches and no responses.
Back on pof too... all quiet there.

I'm not really feeling it if I'm honest. Maybe I should go back on fab!

I do agree with that point @DaffoDeffo I def don't see "not sleeping with anyone else" and "in a relationship" as the same.

To me a relationship is something that comes after awhile, not sleeping with anyone else I would expect if we were sleeping together and continuing to do so.

@Cassettes Well for it would depend if you're willing to give the FWB up if you meet someone who wants exclusivity because you're not exclusive if you have an active FWB. If you would be happy to do this then I don't think he needs to know at all as it's nothing to do with him at the moment, until/unless you discuss being exclusive with each other.

Thanks again sunshine. I’ll give up my FWB for the right guy (FWB knows this) but not before I have slept with that guy a few times. That’s ok isn’t it?

CassettesAreCool I don't think you should tell him as you don't know what his values might be so early on, it may well affect his opinion of you. But if you have a connection, I think you should put the fwb on hold and treat him with respect until you can assess whether he has long term promise.

I would be a bit angry @CassettesAreCool if I found out the guy I was sleeping with was still sleeping with his FWB after we had discussed looking to be in an exclusive relationship.

At the start I wouldn't be bothered. But if I found out you were still sleeping them whilst sleeping with me yes. As you have gave the wrong impression from the start.