Dating thread 159 - Should I Stay or Should I Go Now

[DaffoDeffo]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

vwman i think sunshine stated she did want exclusivity at the start and he ignored it.

Maybe I wasn’t clear enough but I did say at the start that I didn’t want to be having sex with someone who was having sex with others and he said he wasn’t. I took that to mean he wasn’t seeing others.

Yes, sounds like he wanted the best of all worlds. Which is fine but had you not asked, would he have continued?

Yes, I imagine he would.

@vwman such bullshit. People aren't higher or lower value. They're people. Also that's so unhelpful. Sunshine told him at the start she wouldn't sleep with him unless exclusive. So he's basically a dishonest shit.

Extremely low value in your utterly ridiculous parlance.

Go easy on yourself @Sunshineandflipflops it's all so sudden. I think you got together about the same time as mr and mr Unsuitable. Feels like an age ago. Hugs.

Oh Sunshine what an idiot he is. I think you made it pretty clear to him at the start.

And 💐 to Not and lifegoes who are having shitty times. I know that feeling of 'no-one wants me' very well - OLD, and modern dating in general, is not for the faint-hearted. I got so tired of 'being kind to myself' and doing a shit ton of yoga and exercise and being all empowered and crap 😐 It's a basic human need to want intimacy and a special someone, not a weakness, and it's okay to feel sad.

It does just take one person, though, to change that. Keep the faith x

Peanuthedz You don't think men place a value on you and then treat you accordingly and that value is based on whether you accept disrespectful behaviour?

@vwman the thing is, he doesn't view his behaviour as disrespectful. He doesn't agree with monogamy, which is his right to do so but I do. Yes, I think he could have been more open with me about this earlier but he was under the impression we were on the same page for some reason. I am many pages away from him.

I just can't imagine many women being ok with 'sharing' a man, which makes me wonder if he's honest with these other women or not.

Also, I am fortunate enough to place a high value on myself so I don't need a man to do so for me.

I just need to find someone who I am enough for.

I know I sound pathetic. I spent years and years single. Making sure I was strong and independent. And then I fall for a man and feel like I'm back where I started. Hopefully it will be quicker to dust myself off this time.

I don't need a man to make me whole or to feel my value. But I do wonder why other people seem to find love and yet I can't (haven't). It's hard not to wonder what is lacking in me.

Sending hugs and strength to everyone feeling a bit crappy today.

@Notcoolmum it's probably because we do place a high value on ourselves that we are not willing to take whatever is on offer.

Love itself isn't the goal, it's more than that but I think some people settle for the basic kind of love.

Hugs back to you x

My conversation with MrMetal will be along these lines tonight, I need to be confident that he's with me because he wants to be with me not because I'll do until someone better comes along, I can't live like that, he's assured me over the phone but I need to see him say it.

Just when you think you're in a good place, on the same page etc. they disappoint you. I've told him even if I accept he's not been in contact with anyone and was just looking to see if old "friends" were still on the site his behaviour in doing so was sneaky and disappointing.

It's shitty.

@Notcoolmum you say everyone seems to find love but not you, however if you look at loads on this thread, page 1 smitten, now off the bench again. It's easy to believe everyone is loved up but it does only take one person plus I think appearances can be very deceiving. You need to grieve, then dust yourself off and get back to being happy again, hard as it may be.

@Sunshineandflipflops sorry its turned out like this. I'm much less invested than Mr Far but we did discuss expectations and I said I'd expect exclusivity once we'd been naked and I would be upset if he'd still been chatting to others on the apps

@vwman You’re sounding like a 1950’s dinosaur, the thought of someone having a high to low value rank is awful, people aren’t things to be ranked.

FWB stayed last night, we watched GoT, I won’t spoil it for any of you, what will I watch on TV now? He was majorly jetlagged so he was wide awake virtually all night, I’m knackered and already looking forward to sleeping tonight.

I'm so sorry sunshineanflipflops it sounds like you were clear in what you wanted but he was keeping his options open.

I know it hurts, but just think, a few months ago you didn't know he existed and you were fine.

I admire you for having principles and sticking to them. His loss. If I were you, I'd treat myself to some lovely new clothes for my holiday and go off knowing it's better you found out this now before you fell even more for him.

Cry, grieve, but put a time limit on it. You know you will be ok again in time.

@Sunshineandflipflops I'm so sorry - It seems like he was very duplicitous, you asked about sexual fidelity in the beginning and now he's revealed he doesn't agree with monogomy. And yet he 'thought you were on the same page'? Maybe i'm wrong but it sounds like someone willing to let you believe whatever you wanted to until you asked an explicit and direct question, and then he's honest. Not upright behaviour. You deserve so much better

Sorry also to notcool 30 something and poss likeriding (good luck tonight!)

It really seems like the 2/3 month mark is a crunch time. It feels like a bloody lifetime in OLD but in reality, a blip. I feel like i've been well and truly headfucked the last 3 months and my real issue with it is I kept going back because of 'promises'....it's very hard when your gut instinct is screaming that something doesn't stack up but you have no proof and everything they say contradicts it. I really started to doubt myself, got low self-esteem, trust issues which i've never had before....etc. Onwards and upwards ladies.....

@Sunshineandflipflops Asking you to still go to the gig with the promise of single beds shows he didn’t take what you said seriously at all. It definitely seems like you need a clean break, if he isn’t being honest now he would be no different as a friend.

shitwithsugaron that is what I mean

sunshineanflipflops I think it was disrespectful to you, surely he must have believed in exclusivity in his marriage? I am just saying be prepared, if he did actually like you, for him to come back to you in the future.

@BatshitCrazyWoman thank you, your words are so true. Sometimes you just need those days to feel sad and then try and pick yourself up and move on

@Notcoolmum I feel those words. I'll be honest of late I've really had a lot of anger for certain people (which is so unlike me)

I look at my last few ex's who have treated me disgustingly and they are happy in their relationships (even tho they cheated on them) I don't hate them for what they did to me. I HATE the fact they are happy, they treat people like that and yet they get their happy ending and I'm left alone.
It's really eating me up as I just think what on Earth have I got to do, to be happy. Why can't I have my happy ending. How dare two men who have been vile and disgusting get their happiness.

@Sunshineandflipflops he's a first grade knob and thought it was acceptable to have his cake and eat it. I'm happy you found out now and walked away. He's the one that has to live with knowing he missed out on a good thing. You know you deserve more and good for you. As you deserve the best.

Thanks everyone.

@vwman he divorced his wife after years of no sex or affection in the marriage. He sought that elsewhere in the end as he told me when I asked how he coped for so long.

That’s his version of events. He ex wife might have a different story of course...they usually do.

So no, fidelity has never been high on his ‘things to do before you’re 50’ list.

Sunshineandflipflops so he did the same thing to you