Dating thread 159 - Should I Stay or Should I Go Now

[DaffoDeffo]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Do you ever feel lost?

I've been off OLD now for about 2weeks(ish) trying to focus on myself. But today I feel lost, it doesn't help seeing all my friends out doing family things or couple things. I'm happy and content and I'm very independent so it's not that I need or want a man right now.

But I feel lost, I'm early 40's and thinking how have I ended up here. I have everything else but nobody to love me or want me or even share my life with.

Yet everyone I know or meet always say they don't get how I'm single. And tbh nor do, think I've been put off by the absolute lying/cheating/narcissist men I've met along my life.

It's quite sad really.

If my heart wasn't in it @crappyday2018 I wouldn't. ESP if you think it may cause more problems. If it's just sex and you are both aware of that, then no issues. If he's looking to start a relationship I wouldn't personally.

@lifegoes yes I know you're probably right. The annoying thing is we've been chatting and calling for a couple of weeks and I had such high hopes. When I saw him I was pleased how he looked and acted. Its so annoying that sex has changed all that. I'm not due to see him for another couple of weeks so I'll hang off saying anything so I can have a good think about it. I have another potential date on Thursday (will definitely NOT be sleeping with that one).

I’ve sent him a message and now feel a bit sick. If it’s not what I want to hear though then I’d rather know now and use my holiday as a chance to get my head together.

@lifegoes I think long summer weekends do this. It's all couples and families.

@Sunshineandflipflops maybe he just meant he hasn't actually deleted them. Bloody hope so

You must've been attracted to him to have sex so was it just the sex that put you off?

Is everything else ok? @crappyday2018

It's best to know now @Sunshineandflipflops

I've never been bothered by it before, I've never felt alone. And that's quite a hard feeling to deal with @Peanuthedz

Apparently I have every right to say something if it’s on my mind and he would prefer to talk about it on the phone or face to face. That’s not a “don’t be silly, I’m not actively using them” is it?

I’ve told him I can’t talk at the moment as the kids are here (which they are). I just feel like I can’t talk now full stop because it’s not going to be what I want to hear and I feel gutted.

Not always @Sunshineandflipflops but I actually like the fact he would rather speak on the phone or face to face. As texting is an easy way out for him. So to me he respects you enough to at least explain. So hear what he has to say.

He said to me the other day that he wouldn’t finish with someone via text. I repeat that but I am not very good at knowing what to say straight away and need a bit of time to process things so I think I’d rather know what he’s thinking before we speak.

So he’s just sent this:

Yes, let me know what time is best and we can have a chat. I don’t want you to think that I am looking for someone better. To be perfectly honest, I love spending time in your company and I would like us to continue but I don’t want you to think of me in a serious relationship sense because my life is a mess! x

I don’t know why his life is “a mess”. He separated from his wife at the same time I did but they are already divorced. He is in the family home with his youngest daughter and has a job. Not a brilliantly paid one but one he enjoys.

My life is way more unsettled and I’m not looking for another husband by any stretch but I wouldn’t have been OLD if I wasn’t ready for a relationship of some sort ☹️

@sunshineandflipflops he’s spelling out that for him, it’s casual.

Be prepared for that.

As soon as someone says “I really enjoy your company and love spending time with you but ...” they’re telling you it’s not serious for them.

@Sunshineandflipflops you don't always know everything in someone's life and his definition of "mess" could still be different to your definition. So I wouldn't think much of that, but I would maybe ask or say you are sure it's no more a mess than yours... then laugh that off.

The other point is, he doesn't see you as being in a serious relationship right now. You now need to think what you thought or want this to be.

Thanks @Sidge. Yes, it all seems to be pointing towards us being on different pages and wanting different things. Gutted. I even told my ex that I was seeing someone last week and he didn’t mind me telling him. If I knew what he was thinking then, I would never have said anything.

@Sunshineandflipflops He could be in serious financial trouble and about to lose his house and doesn't want you to be affected by that for all you know. In other words he is protecting you by not wanting to get serious with you (whatever that means to him).

@lifegoes I’m happy with how things are but had hoped that things might develop over time if things continued and his words and actions had led me to think he felt the same until yesterday.

sunshine so annoying that so many put themselves on OLD are looking for a relationship when they're not really in a position emotionally or otherwise to give of themselves to a relationship.
life sorry you're feeling down-I have felt that way a few ones before-it will get better - just focus on positive things - get reading,gyming,seeing friends.
crappy I'd give dtd a second go to be sure it can't be improved if all else with him is good - can take time for sex to be great as you need to learn what each other likes.
Spent the day with my bf so all may not be lost but proceeding with caution.

I’m really sorry @sunshineandflipflops 🙁

I’m only taking this view because I heard the same from Mr Mystery - despite telling me after my holiday (when I finished with him because I knew I was falling for him and wanted more than he wanted) that he still wanted to see me as maybe his feelings would change, they didn’t.

I got the “you know I adore you and love being with you but “... and to me that just said it all.

Sunshine- hugs- I feel so angry for you like I was invested, you guys seemed so good. Totally get you re the ex too their smug face is not what you want. Personally I wouldn’t clarify the mess as that is his decision I would just not be happy with the phrase spend time with you as that seems so casual.

Similar to Mr S sunshine. He's acted like he's in this, has been amazing in so many ways but then backs off over strange things.

Im dreading meeting him tomorrow to be dumped :(

He doesn’t want to talk any further over text so I have to wait until the kids go to bed now to speak to him as I know I will be upset after and they don’t need to see that.

I just want to switch my phone off and not hear him say what I know he’s going to say. I feel so fucking stupid.

Sorry @Notcoolmum. It’s horrible isn’t it.
He has written on his calendar the weekends I am child free, he booked tickets to a gig when I get back off holiday, he talks about doing things together. I just had no idea he might be doing this with other people too.

It doesn't sound like he is doing this with other people sunshine but that he hasn't seen you two as a serious relationship. Could you cope with that?

Mr S isn't seeing others (although I've been inside about his wife) but has backed off being serious due to his situation. I think I've allowed myself to ignore it as it FEELS serious. He looks at me like it's serious. He does things for me that made it feel serious.

But now he's not. Kisses gone from texts. Texts sparse. Ignored my texting I was missing him. And we are meeting in a mutual place to talk tomorrow. I know what's coming. But I don't like it.

Thanks @CocoKoko123 yeah I do all of that anyway. I'm a very busy person but I also like down time. Today has just made me reflect on my life, where I am and where I want to be. It's not a good place at the mo tbh

sunshine I would just give a word of caution about jumping to conclusions and hear him out. As vwman says, his definition of mess may be very different to yours.

And I may be slightly bucking the trend but 2 months for me is too early to make a decision about a serious relationship and it may be that he feels that way (rather than not regarding you as relationship potential?)

Will you get a chance to call him tonight? It sounds like it's better to get it out the way now rather than worrying about it

lifegoes I have been single for years. Didn't try dating for ages. Though I have wonderful friends I do get weekends when I feel like that. It's very hard and I find the 'I can't believe you're single' comments incredibly hurtful