Dating thread 159 - Should I Stay or Should I Go Now

[DaffoDeffo]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Sorry 30. It’s shit isn’t it even if you know. I was there 3 weeks ago. Take heart in fact you knew in your gut you wanted more

Was considering trying to sneak mr races in after kids in bed as I’ve got kids but he has man flu. I’m so insecure I wondered if he was pretending. I need to learn to trust and chill. How?

Sorry to hear your news 30 but absolutely don’t let him backtrack. If he was testing you by sending that text then that makes him even worse.

30 my advice, for what it's worth, would be stick to not replying, he's shown his true colours. No amount of back tracking should excuse that imo.
ccgirr "learn to trust and chill"? God knows, I think most of us have that issue 🤣 I suppose only the right person or at least somebody decent can help you do that.
Strangely I don't really have trust issues, even though my ex had an affair, and I've found out since the weekend that it may well have been going on a lot longer than I first thought.
I've always tended to give people the benefit of the doubt, clearly that's been hugely successful 🤣 but I'm not sure I want to change that approach as I don't want to spend my life constantly questioning or mistrusting people.

Ant- I need to do that!!! Hopefully like you say I will.
Myold- I found fab and the young factor actually maybe puts more pressure as a lot just after sex. Agree with whoever said try to clarify what you want first - if possible. Or maybe try and might make you realise. We all just finding our way with few falls on the route

Sorry to hear your news 30something and .
ccgirr - I think we're all guilty of that, trying to read between the lines. It's hard not to do. It's the 'not feeling worthy' issue I guess. You have to start believing in yourself and having someone else believe in you helps.

NEVER don’t feel worthy guys

You are all amazing. But then I am very, very drunk 💕

I had a long chat with a friend last night about my dating problems and general insecurity/lack of confidence.
We agreed that my inability to just go out and have fun comes down to issues with my last relationship. And also 2 failed attempts at NSA which left me feeling very awkward and embarrassed.

Neither of us could work out why I get so little interest on the apps. So until I can understand why my profile is ignored, I'm having a long break. I've got plenty to keep me busy. Would just be nice to have someone special to share a few moments with

Have you considered counselling at all myoldbrain? I think some others on the thread have found it helpful, I know I did

MyOldBrainStoppedWorking I hope you will still keep your profiles online, often you it happens when you least expect it.

You get confidence by getting out of your comfort zone. Fear is supported by an illusion that it is possible to fail, and that failure means we are worthless. You just found two men who were not right for you that is all in a NSA situation and had a relationship with a man who was not right for you.

I have no issue with meetings and talking to complete strangers or getting up and public speaking infront of hundreds of people, I love the buzz. I have started Salsa/Latin dance lessons, as I am not confident in that situation, perhaps just get out and do some things not to do with dating that you feel uncomfortable with to help with you confidence issues?

@MyOldBrainStoppedWorking I would def recommend therapy, I've had some turbulent relationships in my past. Which I thought I was ok with, in the last year I've attracted and been with narcissists and I couldn't figure out why. I'd been come so wrapped in finding someone I was happy to ignore red flags and what I want. This was due to confusing "love" with abuse (mentally and physically) as I didn't know anything different.

My therapy helped me through the last two men I met on OLD and they still failed BUT I was able to walk away, whilst before I would tolerate it.

I'm not saying your situation is the same at all. But therapy is helping me realise I need to just focus on me and when I'm ready go back on OLD but use it as fun rather than a priority.

It can't do any harm to at least try a few sessions.

MrFox sent a very apologetic message this morning saying he got a bit drunk last night and panicked about things so thought it easier to end what we had and now he realises that was stupid and he really cares about me and wants to come over tonight so we can have a chat...

Ugh, I haven't responded, I am not sure if this is too much like hard work so early on and I should just ignore him or if I should at least meet him to see what he has to say.

Honestly @30somethingandsingle I would meet him. If you don't and ignore him you will always wonder what if...

I say meet him, but you have to be totally honest about how you feel and what why. Only that way can you move on either way.

30something - No harm in meeting him, listen to what he has to say but if he's still wavering then you can just walk away.

@ 30somethingandsingle "he really cares about me", really? cares so much that he was willing to dump you by text not caring about how you feel about that

It does sound like hard work early on. It never gets better than during the honeymoon period of a relaionship, but I think you need to talk to him face to face as if you are to end a relationship you need to do it in the right way.

Looks like MrMetal is still on Fab and has just changed his username, 30somethingandsingle I've messaged you to ask another favour. Absolutely heartbroken.

like forgot what the story with Mr Metal is but hope you're ok.Seems a lot of us on here are on a downer at the moment!

30something I am so sorry to hear about Mr F and his cowardly break-up text. In your shoes I would go and meet him and hear him out but I would not give him an easy ride and if I wasn't feeling good about things I would end it. It should not be this hard early on in a relationship - imagine having years of this sort of roller coaster treatment.

30 definitely meet him, but hold on to your standard and don't accept something sub-optimal just because you like him.

MyOld I think the confidence with sleeping with someone from Fab comes from just doing it (my first time involved a glass of wine ....). The men may appear very confident but have the same insecurities as us, honestly. But no harm in talking things through with a counsellor.

I'm not going to Mr BC's house today - I've said I'd like to wait a bit. Seeing him later, and saw him yesterday as we both had the day off work. Am still 😍 about him. He's already talking about our next weekend away and has invited me as his plus one for an overseas wedding next summer ....

CocoKoko123 I met him on fab, originally fwb but it developed, we had a blip when I thought we were exclusive fwb but he got a verification from a meet, agreed to be properly exclusive, we're supposed to be in a relationship, talking about the future. If he's still on there it's finished now but I want to be sure. I am checking up on him but having had a cheating husband I won't apologise for that.

How are you feeling today 30something**is meet him. Sometimes a blow up like this is a good thing to get things out in the open. Definitely be honest without him about your feelings and take it from there.

Sorry to hear that likeridingabike* how long have you been today. Had you said you were exclusive?

Notcoolmum It's been two months since we agreed we were exclusive, we've discussed meeting each others children, going on holiday, I've met his friends. I'm ignoring his calls and messages, don't know what to say to him.

@likeridingabike sounds awful. how did you find him on there?

Sorry to hear that some of you are going through rough times with your relationships.

I thought I would report back from my coffee date with the guy from POF yesterday. As soon as I saw him I realised that he was not my type physically as he is rather overweight, but he has a nice face and we had had some good chats on WhatsApp so I decided to give him a chance. We had a very good coffee date and then stood outside chatting for about 30 minutes. He suggested that we go for a glass of wine so we went to a local pub and carried on chatting. We then moved to a local restaurant and had some food. The whole date was really nice and I found myself getting more and more attracted to him. Of course this could have been due to the wine, so I didn't do anything crazy like ask him back to mine, and we said our goodbyes and agreed that we would like to see each other again. It is quite strange as on paper he ticks very few of my boxes, but there was definitely a strong connection. I have no idea what will happen, if anything, but it was a pleasant surprise to meet such a nice guy and have a lovely date.