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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating thread 159 - Should I Stay or Should I Go Now

999 replies

DaffoDeffo · 15/05/2019 19:52

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

OP posts:
Auba14 · 17/05/2019 13:31

@LilyRose88 One thing that tickled me following us watching an episode from a while ago of First Dates is that there's a womens hiking group called Hiking Dykes. The name alone makes me have a fit of giggles!

But I remember reading before your ankle injury you're quite active so if that was something to explore it may be a good in road for you! I read the website and it appears they have local ones all over the country.

Peanuthedz · 17/05/2019 13:34

@Sunshineandflipflops We are incredibly lucky in that if we sell the house we will both be able to buy. Pensions etc all tied up in it though. It's fine really it's just the psychological freedom thing. Plus we can't stand each other.

@DaffoDeffo That's all really interesting. I wonder if you feel such a connection because he's unreliable. It does create a need. I think I might be so smitten with Mr Unsuitable because it can't be long term. So I can wander about being in love with no danger of ending up stuck in a dull LTR. Like the chivalric idea of Romantic love rather than wifely. Aaah who knows. Whatever. I'm totally smitten and enjoying it. I never thought I'd feel like this again.

LilyRose88 · 17/05/2019 13:42

@Auba14 I just googled and there is not a branch of Hiking Dykes near me Grin. However I do live close to a very permissive city and I was very surprised not to get any hits on POF when I set up a profile looking for women. I do know of some women-friendly gay pubs in the aforementioned city but I'm not really the sort of person who can rock up to a pub on my own and pick someone up.

I did think that I could find someone (male or female) through my running but as I commute during the week I haven't been able to join a running club. I do the odd park run so maybe once my ankle has recovered I could try to get back into that. The trouble is they start so early on a Saturday morning, and I do enjoy a bit of a lie in at weekends as I get up so early during the week. I suppose I will have to start to be a bit more disciplined and get myself out there (literally).

I actually don't mind whether I date a man or a woman. I just want to meet someone who I fancy and have a connection with. I do have a coffee date this afternoon with a guy from POF so I will report back.

unique1986 · 17/05/2019 13:53

@LilyRose88

If you are quite attractive I am guessing more feminine type?
From what I have heard from a friend and when I look perhaps once a year for females (being bored and curious) , I get the impression its near on impossible to get replies from genuine people that are not after a random hook up with their partner. Or time wasters.
I think there are also fake profiles, and my friend would never trust someone that looked really good to reply, just seems a bit suss.
Plus its been a while but I noticed the more straight looking types wrote very odd things in their profiles.

unique1986 · 17/05/2019 13:53

Better off with a female grinder is it?

CassettesAreCool · 17/05/2019 14:02

Well I’m setting up a couples profile on Fab to see if Mr Greedy and I can find a nice woman, I’ve no idea how much luck we’ll have but I wonder lily whether Fab might be a place for you to look? It’s an extraordinary site where nothing seems to be out of bounds. I met Mr Greedy there, and he’s nicer and more honest than anyone else I’ve met on OLD.

Crustaceans · 17/05/2019 14:16

I think it’s hard not to feel wobbly on the smitten bench, especially for those of us who’ve experience of how relationships can go wrong. In my case, I’m totally sure about him but then I start worrying that he might not feel the same way. I think he actually feels the same way (as evidenced by last night’s worry over towel storage). So we’re both being ridiculous. But it’s hard - especially when your recent relationship experience is of someone who patently didn’t love you (and never did) but had other motives for wanting to be in a relationship with you (sadly, this applies to both of us, but our exes had different motives).

@Peanuthedz MrSG is trying to sell his house, simply to remove himself from the mortgage. All the equity is going to his ex. It’s taking ages to sell though because it’s very overpriced (and his ex refuses to reduce the asking price) and in pretty terrible condition (literally everything needs to be decorated/changed). So it’s not an attractive prospect to buyers.

I’m helping him to paint it (starting this weekend) but he might have to take her to court to force his ex to agree a price reduction. I can understand why she is still hoping for the asking price (who would want less money?) but you need to be pragmatic about these things. It is only worth what someone will pay for it. Luckily the consent order specifies ‘at a price recommended by ’ and they’ve suggested a considerable reduction. So hopefully she’ll see sense before they both have to pay solicitors (and possibly courts) more money.

Once that house sells, we can decide what we’re doing. We’ve already talked about it to some extent but it’s always different when you’re actually in a position to do it (rather than talking about what you’ll do after X, Y or Z). There’s currently little danger of his house selling though so it’ll remain vague for now.

LilyRose88 · 17/05/2019 14:16

@unique1986 yes I am very feminine looking and I like either very feminine or gamine looking women. I am not attracted to women who look and dress like men. Maybe I need to have another go at a POF profile with some wording that makes I clear I am genuine. Is there a female Grindr? Actually that would be quite scary.

Crustaceans · 17/05/2019 14:19

Good luck with the new Fab profile, @CassettesAreCool. You are definitely more adventurous than me (but, as those young people used to say before old people started saying it and it became uncool, yolo 😆).

Crustaceans · 17/05/2019 14:23

@LilyRose88 It must be very annoying to get so many time wasters. Tbh, the hopeful couples looking for a threesome, seem to be a feature of OLD whoever you say you’re looking for, but it sounds like it must be worse if you are a women looking for women.

I got a hilariously bad message from one of those couples on one of the sites. It was seriously dire and featured a claim that I was ‘delectable’. 🙄 And they probably wonder why they just get blocked with no reply.

Marlboroandmalbec34 · 17/05/2019 14:31

cassettes lillyrose Mr Big and I have a couples account on fab and recently had our first threesome (actually with another women he knows who lives down south) it was great fun but made me realise I am not BI as I wouldn’t repeat without the man. Made a nice new friend though and really enjoyed it

CassettesAreCool · 17/05/2019 14:33

You make a good point Crusty, I can’t really envisage any sensible woman finding either me or Mr Greedy individually particularly ‘delectable’, let alone as a loosely-bound couple. I think we’d be better off going more adventurous and finding a like-minded couple. Real swingers then!

Crustaceans · 17/05/2019 15:06

Real swingers then!

Yes. It would just work better for everyone then. It’s kind of a know your audience thing really.

You’d think the weirdos sending messages to ‘delectable’ women on tinder (etc) would just bloody sign up for fab and stop bothering people. Because, if you were looking to be the third partner in a threesome with a couple, you would make that bloody clear in your profile.

Although, imagine referring to someone as ‘delectable’. 🤮

LilyRose88 · 17/05/2019 15:24

Maybe we should set up our own no BS dating site 😄

DaffoDeffo · 17/05/2019 15:48

I went through a phase of dating women when I got fed up with trying to date men and it was more disastrous. Seemed far harder to find anyone and I appear to attract the less feminine type for some reason. Maybe it's because I'm not a 'real' lesbian, who knows!

Met MrF. We just spoke about our respective jobs (we're in a similar field). I didn't push any other discussion as it definitely wasn't the right time but I can't deny it was good to see him.

OP posts:
DaffoDeffo · 17/05/2019 15:50

peanut I totally get what you mean about MrUnsuitable. There is something very comforting about knowing it isn't going to be a long term thing - I think you relax into it more!

OP posts:
supercali77 · 17/05/2019 15:55

When on Tinder - I had one of the most relaxing experiences of dating with someone (French) who was passing through my city, only here a couple of months, that was last year. It was and could never go anywhere and it was just so bloody easy......

TooOldForThis67 · 17/05/2019 16:06

@Peanuthedz - I managed to get a Dr's appt today and am now on HRT patches (Evorel Sequi). I've been on the 'happy pills' for a few years now anyway - keeps me from dipping too low. I think MrWow is kinda relieved it's something like this and not anything he's done. He's got patience, i'll give him that! Lol.

StarryUnicorn · 17/05/2019 16:07

According to this analysis, there are virtually no "women seeking women" on tinder. Also interesting is the ratio of men to women on apps.
www.businessofapps.com/data/tinder-statistics/

CassettesAreCool · 17/05/2019 16:22

Thanks for that link starry, that’s really interesting data - from a professional as well as a personal viewpoint!

Bluezoo123 · 17/05/2019 16:37

Nothing much to add to thread.just still feeling ambivalent towards my relationship atm and exhausted too!not sure how long to give it or what I'm going to do-never been in the position where I've felt myself pulling away before - they've always spectacularly f'd up beforehand or pulled away themselves first.
too hope things improve for you and mr Wow sounds like worth hanging on to.

SimonJT · 17/05/2019 17:21

@TooOldForThis67 Not it wasn’t a first date, I’ve seen him a few times.

@Ant330 I’m Pakistani so I regularly hear much worse!

@Auba14 Yeah, it’s almost odder not to experience it, I tend to ignore it now, a few years ago it would have probably led to a fight.

MyOldBrainStoppedWorking · 17/05/2019 17:33

Love a good set of statistics. Thanks Starry

I'm having a long, long think about the apps and my lack of success. But also about what I actually want.

I thought I wanted a FWB and so I went on Fab. And got a lot of attention and quite a few social dates. Which were much better than any Tinder/Pof date I have.
Fab men were interesting to talk to, knew what they wanted and probably because they were all younger, were better looking.

For various reasons, most of the Fab dates didn't go any further. But a couple of them asked to see me again. And that's were things went wrong.
I panicked at the idea of DTD with an almost stranger. My confidence has dropped and just felt out of my depth with these confident, experienced men.

So now I don't know what to do. I'm not sure I can just go out and have 'fun' with someone I barely know. But I'm struggling to engage with anyone on the regular dating sites.
Any thoughts wise people??

CassettesAreCool · 17/05/2019 17:52

myold I felt exactly the same when I started out last year and I was completely open about this to the guy I ended up breaking my DTD duck with during the messaging. He understood and accepted it and was amazingly kind and respectful when it came down to it. In the end I found it easy to be vulnerable to a stranger because there was no risk of any embarrassment etc going any further than one-to-one. And I think he liked being cast in the mould of knight in shining armour/stud or something, when really he was just some guy, you know? So my question is: what are you afraid of, really?

30somethingandsingle · 17/05/2019 17:57

I agree with @CassettesAreCool fab is great as it's no strings, if anything embarrassing happens (not likely) then there is no pressure of seeing them again. It helped me hugely in gaining more body confidence, after my sexless marriage I felt so undesirable but meeting people on fab made me realise that men do still find me attractive. I had great fun 😁

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