Dating thread 159 - Should I Stay or Should I Go Now

[DaffoDeffo]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Batshit I swear that 'typing' below someones name or the speech bubble on iMessage is one of the worst things ever created!

I suspect if he's as good a man as he's been to you so far he's probably trying to word something as well as possible, this is what I do, write an initial message and go back and change certain parts I think may be interpreted in the wrong way. You've absolutely done the right thing telling him about your concerns though - imagine you hadn't and the change of mood had you seen lots of his wife's possessions in the bedroom. Your honesty in this situation is something to be proud of, and I bet his reply is just as understanding.

Thank you Auba. He's sent his reply and it's ok. We're going to talk about whether I'm going there this weekend or not. I feel now like I've made it a thing, so whether I go or not this weekend, it's this big thing looming over us

I have a history of not saying things to a romantic partner that he might not want to hear - hence my counsellor encouraging me to do it. Felt (and still feel a bit) shit 😕

@TooOldForThis67 I’m sorry to hear that you have been feeling down. I think that Mr Wow is not going to run from that. Just keep talking to him and you can work through things together. It’s so hard not to feel that you’re just going to mess everything up - especially when you’ve realised how much you want it.

@Auba14 The image of old ladies staring in the Northumbrian countryside is quite funny. But not that surprising. Sadly. Whereas, if you’d been walking around Whitley Bay or something, hardly anyone would have taken any notice. Glad the relationship is going so well.

I’m glad it’s OK @BatshitCrazyWoman. I think it’s ok to feel like you do about the widower thing. It is quite different to a situation where someone is single because their previous relationship broke down. There was an article about people’s experiences of relationships after the death of a partner in the guardian fairly recently.

Yesterday I got annoyed at my bathroom and, partly inspired by @shitwithsugaron’s ikea date, decided to go to ikea and sort it out. So I bought some very cheap stuff and it’s much more user friendly now. And it looks better.

MrSG was out with some colleagues and came back to mine sometime after midnight (it’s much closer to town than his house, and I’m happy to see him whatever the hour). He was a bit drunk and commented that I’d radically changed the bathroom. Apparently (drunken logic) he was worried that it meant that I planned to stay in this house forever and not but a house with him. I had to reassure him that it was not a statement about anything beyond the useability of the bathroom.

This morning he was laughing at himself because a small rack to store towels and some cheap plastic things you stick to the wall (with suction) are (1) clearly moveable, (2) not a radical change and (3) do make the bathroom easier to use. He’s an idiot - but at least it’s because he really does care, a lot.

I'm astonished that there is so much bigotry in this day and age. My daughter currently has a GF and she was worried about the reaction of the family. I've always believed sexuality is fluid and we can be attracted to anyone at anytime. Although we may have an over riding preference. I've never dated a woman. But I am open to it.

Aw Mr SG sounds very cute. I love his panic that you were making roots without him.

Knee jerk reaction to day (so far) of silence was to fire up the apps. 6 conversations started and 2 replies so far. There is always the OLD treadmill, ready for me to jump back on...

@TooOldForThis67 as someone who has had a lifetime of low mood (ok mental health problems) I have to say HRT has been life changing. That mental fog/exhaustion/overwhelmed feeling went very quickly. I feel incredible. Make sure they don't give you pills though- patches or gels/pessaries. And be aware that a lot of GPs aren't very clued up on it. Mr Wow is worth hanging onto.

@Crustaceans that's lovely. Mr SG and the bathroom thing. I need to do an IKEA run and try to make my house more mine and less mine and the Stbxh. Housing market is dead which means I can't sell which means I can't get divorced. FFs.

@BatshitCrazyWoman I think how you're feeling is totally valid and would be common to a lot of us. It's great that you've spoken about it. Of course it will be uncomfortable. That's not a bad thing. She needs to be acknowledged so you can move your relationship on. Sounds like he's totally ready. If there are loads of her things around this might be the catalyst for him to move them. Which is a good thing for him too!

tooold I think you know if it's right or not. If you have a feeling that things are not quite where you think they should be and he's not going to get there, I totally understand why you feel that way. All of my relationships bar one were actually good relationships. The hardest ones to leave are the ones that are so so rather than awful. I found my divorce difficult because I was never leaving an awful marriage, i was leaving a not very good marriage and it's the same with relationships. If you aren't feeling it, you aren't feeling it but I think always leave knowing you've given it your best shot if that's what you want.

I am meant to be bumping into MrF this morning. We have never officially ended things - it's just drifted - which suited me fine as I had a load of other things going on. But I suspect the aim of this meeting is to hit it on the head with a very big hammer as we have carried on chatting even without the relationship stuff. Funnily enough I find myself feeling nervous as in my mind, I was only going to do this after a few stressful things I've got coming up next week so the timing isn't ideal for me. But I guess you can't control when these things happen! Also I would love to remain friends with him - I've never met anyone who is so similar to me. We'd watch TV and make the same comments, we'd see funny things and know what would make each other laugh. Ideally, I'd like to stay in touch but he's already told me before, if we end, he has to cut me off completely as in the time we saw each other, we pulled away from each other a few times and he always ended up coming back. So this is a massive step for both of us :(

Ah @DaffoDeffo hope it's not all too painful. Sounds like it will be though. 😞

Hope everything goes Ok today daffo. Do you think there's a chance you could reconnect or is it definitely over for you?

We had an incredible connection, the most amazing both of us have ever felt -physically/sexually/emotionally. He was the one I slept with on the first date which I never do. It was just incredible. And I'm not sure i'll meet someone like him again. I still fancy him so much.

BUT the relationship was a nightmare. He is unreliable, hugely, horrendously unreliable. We also got stuck in a rut where it became all about the exciting stuff and not about the mudane stuff. He got in a position where (in his words) he just didn't want to and couldn't do 'normal' with me.

It was amazing fun but it wasn't going to last. I am sad about it because I think if i had played my cards differently it could have been different. But I do think, even with that, it wouldn't have changed his character and the unreliability would have destroyed me. There were other things too that will be too outing for me to say.

I am sad because like others on this thread, I know how rarely someone like this comes along. But the fact that I will feel relief once it's done speaks volumes. I will miss us chatting though.

DaffoDeffo I hope the conversation with Mr F goes well and you get closure.

I have just cancelled the date I had on Saturday with Mr Loadsamoney as I just wasn't feeling it. He hadn't contacted me since our chat on Tuesday night so I felt that there was clearly no connection on either side. It turns out that he thought I wasn't keen because he has a young child. That wasn't the reason at all, but I'm sure that is that he will tell himself. And he isn't a bad person, just not my sort of person.

@BatshitCrazyWoman These things - acknowledging your own discomfort, setting a boundary, even asking for consideration on a concern - are big, but so essential - I mentioned Brene Brown in response to jesuis - reading her book has been life changing to me. Being able to be vulnerable but be courageous enough to say what you need can be scary, it makes you feel uncertain, but it's ultimately so liberating and - authentic? However it pans out - you're letting yourself be seen for who you are, I just don't think you can go wrong on that path

Unreliability is my biggest hate when dating.
More so than lack of communication.
Unreliable guys just kill you inside. Like why should they be calling the shots when we meet etc etc and cancelling plans.

I have realised that anyone that is unreliable more than once or twice max just is not interested enough.

RE: the unreliability thing YES. Effing hate it - apparently there's a behavioural science phenomena called intermittent reinforcement, which is basically unreliable responses. It sends pigeons and rats mental.

PS. , i'm seeing that last iron again. Just can't quite let it go on either side apparently. Things are better this time. Mix of me being a lot more open, a lot more boundary setting, him being more thoughtful, more emotionally expressive. I don't know where it's going, long term or nice for now, not caring too much about that.

Swiping away on tinder I noticed that about 1/5 of all men in there are Italian!! Lol

Notcool good to see you're not letting the grass grow under your feet. Hopefully I'm not joining you on Monday but I'm not confident.
Pleased to see there's still a few on the smitten bench Auba and Crusty with lovely updates.
Bats I think it was always going to be a "big thing" wasn't it? It's a big step for both of you, and at least you've been honest about it and he sounds like he understands that perfectly.
Daffo good luck with Mr F today, hope it's not too painful.
LilyRose Mr Loadsamoney sounded like a tosser so I don't think you're missing much!

That sounds really hard @DaffoDeffo. But the fact that you will feel relief speaks volumes. Sometimes things aren’t meant to be.

@LilyRose88 I’m sure MrLoadsamoney will tell himself whatever is easiest for him to hear. But we all do that to some extent.

MrSG is very sweet. It’s a reminder that it’s not just me that gets all silly, needy and insecure. He does too. He’s got no reason to though, so I should remember that when I’m being silly.

Wow it’s never easy, is it? So many smittens feeling nervy on that bench. But I suppose the course of true love never did run smooth etc, whether it’s from OLD or peas at Tesco. Good luck to all. No sudden moves.

I’m edging towards that smitten bench (for cougars with FWBs) with Mr Greedy, the archetypal slow burn. After 3 months we’re now exclusive FWBs, which feels right. He is a really lovely man and is helping me so much in so many ways - none practical, I have to say, he’s dead lazy! We had such a fantastic night/morning Wed/Thurs, I’m still tingling 😍

It can never be long-term, but being with him has clarified that I am now ready for a proper relationship so (with his encouragement) I’M BACK ON THE APPS. Just Match to start with. I’m clear in my profile about exactly what I want, and I’m going to stick to that. Not surprisingly, the response from the male population of southern England has so far been underwhelming, but I expected that and I’m not taking it personally. This will take some time.

@unique unreliability is such a thing with OLD. I was stood up last Saturday by a guy who had seemed really keen and then just vanished from POF. He was probably married or in a relationship but why let someone down! And another guy the other week cancelled on me twice at short notice, so I deleted him .

Batshit so glad he has responded well.

Hi Cassettes good to see you back on the thread. I am beginning to think that the men in the South of England are an underwhelming bunch, but I think I have just been unlucky.

I think you may be right lily. Mr Greedy for instance is a northerner. I think you and I have something else in common: I’m going to have my first threesome if/when we find the right woman! Never been with a woman, am more excited than I care to let on if I’m honest. But if not now, when?

@Peanuthedz I am getting divorced without selling the house. It may be complicated but ex and I have agreed that I can't afford to buy a house for me and the kids on my salary and there's no point in us both renting long term (his share of the equity wouldn't buy him anywhere either) so me and the kids are staying here, possibly until my youngest is 18, or unless my circumstances change.

It will mean he will have to stay on the mortgage but if we're both ok with that then it can work.

I'm going to MrSAS's in the morning for the weekend.I saw him on tues/wed but cant wait to see him again!

@Cassettes good luck with the threesome. Mine wasn't that much of a success as I didn't fancy the guy at all. But it has made me acknowledge that I am definitely bi and that maybe I should explore that side of myself. Funnily enough I did do a POF profile at the start of last year looking for women and I got virtually zero responses! But I am going to Pride this year so maybe I will end up with a lovely lady!