MY partner is so tight with money is this normal

[Reynolds1212]

I’ve been with my parter for six years I have three children from a previous relationship. My kids don’t see their father anymore he moved away and that was it he stopped contact which upset them greatly.
Anyway my partner earns in a day what I get in Three/four days so I’m not talking a small amount here .
My house is rented I pay all the bills all the rent and food he gives me £70 a week. I have a decent job but not amazing. I’ve added up my bills and rent and food and it’s a lot I have roughly £150-200 left per month for like treats for the kids clothes etc it is a struggle sometimes esp when a unexpected bill hits me etc my boys dad pays nothing. My partner is giving me £70 per week he earns about £3000-4000 a month he’s saving he keeps saying for us for a mortgage it’s hard to trust tbh. But this week I’ve been extra short I’ve had to borrow money off my mom to get food because we had a holiday to pay off which. Was half each and my car had to have lots of repairs done I’ve told him all week I have no money he just says well what happened to my £70 lol it doesn’t got very far with all k to outgoings the house is in my name so he thinks he doesn’t have to pay half but I rented the house before we met anyway and he moved in . He got two kids he has to pay CSA for but it isn’t that much £60 a week. I’m so sick of watching him buy stuff online and get new things and I haven’t got a pot to Pee in till the end of the month. If I bring up money it all kicks off he says not his kids and that I would have to pay it all if he wasn’t here. That’s not the point if they weren’t here he would have to pay half surely ?
He doesn’t buy food or give me extra hardly ever I have to beg for an extra £10 sometimes to get stuff he thinks £70 covers the food council tax water etc and it doesn’t
He’s got a lovely car and a nice van and my cars a bit of a banger now but it’s all I can afford it doesn’t seem fair after six years.
He doesn’t buy me things on Xmas and birthday I get stuff but never in between like he wouldn’t buy me clothes or the boys clothes at all.
He’s got other nice qualities but I feel like I pay for everything and he’s living for free and has no qualms about it I’ve bought it up so many times and it causes a row till he knows I won’t bring it back up again. His kids come to stay and he pays the same I have to text him and say get them food etc because it got to a point where I was feeding them to on £70 so I make him buy their food now. Everything is half holidays days out meals he never pays and he’s got the money to pay.
It’s getting to the point where I’ve had enough I don’t want this future now I’m in my early 30’s we don’t go out much if we do granted he does pay for my food but I always end up paying the drinks or something it’s never all for free.
I asked him for a lift to the hospital the other week and he asked me for a tenner for fuel I was just gobsmacked my son was in Hosptial and he asked me for money.
I don’t know what to do is anyone else partner like this please advise

So, not only is he fleecing you he's nasty too? Get rid.

Could you ask him to move out? This situation is no longer financially viable for you. Tell him that you cannot afford for him to live with you anymore.

Detach but keep him as a boyfriend and go away on holiday with him if you want to. He has proved to you that he is not there for you emotionally or financially. Useless as a partner. He will never change

Once you have distanced yourself emotionally you probably will be able to see him for who he really is.

Quite honestly his lack of respect for you and your children is nauseating.

Kick him out, today. Change the locks. Block him on everything. He owes you the money for the holiday so I'd completely ignore that and tell him to do one.

He sounds disgusting! I have never cared about getting stuff for myself and everyone else always comes first and I think that come from the fact that I have two, I hate to say this, but stereotypical baby boomer parents who obsess about money and lifestyle and what they want and to hell with everyone else, that I wanted to go in the absolute opposite direction as I saw how destructive that mindset is - even to themselves. I would ditch this guy in an instant!!

Get rid of him. You deserve so much better.

WOW!! OP, please stop abusing yourself. Your children are watching - children learns a lot during their formative years.

If not for yourself, please do it for your boys. Ask him to move out. Do not be afraid of rocking the boat, there is no boat to rock. Put yourself and your boys first.

Any adult who is not mature enough to accept that a person with children comes as a package should not be in a relationship where there are children involved.

I had to walk away from potential relationships recently as I felt I was not going to give the children 100%. Children do not choose the relationship or the partner, however, they have to live with the consequences. He is treating you as a doormat and you are also allowing him to do it.

Most importantly, he will impose such behaviours in new relationships because you allowed him to get away with it for so long and he will assume that's what women want.

The relationship is dysfunctional, the man is dysfunctional LTB!!

... he's costing you tax credits /single person discount on council tax etc because the state assumes that living as a family you share income
OP I came in here to say exactly what this PP has said.

This man has shown you how much he doesn't care for you.

This is no "partner" in any sense of the word. He is not even a good person. Who in the right mind would demand £10 petrol money from the person he's supposed to love to get her to the hospital when her son is sick?

His kids come to stay and he pays the same I have to text him and say get them food etc because it got to a point where I was feeding them to on £70 so I make him buy their food now. Everything is half holidays days out meals he never pays and he’s got the money to pay.
Why on Earth would you put up with this? Instead of being of value (properly shared finances, emotional support) he is using you for his own ends whilst you suck up the little he provides.

And do you really believe he's saving the majority of his much larger salary for a home for all of you? If he was really that type of person wouldn't you see it in the way he treats you daily?

Cut your losses and usher him out of your door. I bet you'd be better off financially as well as emotionally. Also see what benefits (apart from the 25% single person discount) you'd get once he is gone. Www.entitledto.co.uk or speak to Citizens Advice. Good luck. 🌺

OP for context ...

I get more in rent from my own son working his first full time job.

"Why are you letting him take food out of your children's mouths and clothes off their backs?
Because that is what he is doing."

Bloke here and this reply is spot on. Your children are going without because of him. Get your priorities straight your children deserve better.

He's a COCKLODGER

He is talking money off your kids (not paying his dues).

He is financially ABUSING you. And I hardly ever use that word.

The question is, why are you letting him?

You need to add up ALL of the bills, including rent and utilities and demand he pays half. Perhaps you could put in a bit extra for food, as you have the boys.

He's also paying way too little child support, isn't he?

No grown man can exist on £70 a week. He knows it, you know it, and what's more, he knows you know, and that you do nothing to stop it.

FFS, stop being a DOORMAT.

List all the bills, divide by 2, and insist he pays that or fucks off.

Me and DH earn roughly the same. Our bills are about £2200 a month. He sends me £1100 a month. Job done. It's not rocket science.

HE IS FINANCIALLY ABUSING YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN.

How did you come up with the £70 a week amount?

How much are all your bills?

I’m ok im at work I am thinking maybe someone could identify me from my post so I’m worrying a bit. Thankyou for the replies I will respond later when I can

Op, this is financial abuse, he is also gaslighting you. Get rid. He is nothing but a cocklodger, taking the piss out of you and your kids, indeed using your kids to reduce maintenance for his own. A prince amongst men! You are missing out on council tax reduction, possibly UC, while he lords it over you at your expense.

You deserve better, your kids deserve better. Never before have I said LTB louder!

One piece of advice my mother gave me was that you will be miserable if you date or marry a stingy man.
It doesn’t matter if the man is rich or poor , a stingy man is deadweight

Thats disgusting op, my DH pays bills and I get the food shop but I stay at home with his kids... he sounds like an ass hole xx

You sound like you need to come to a short term compromise to make the holiday work, keep your kids happy and improve your finances.

I would sit him down and explain that due to his living in the home you are missing out on certain benefits, council tax discount and paying increased bills. Explain that you care about him and that it is such a shame, but you need him to find his own place. Put a time limit on it (maybe 1 month).

Your job is to make it very clear that your situation HAS to change because you cannot afford it any longer. Keep it straightforward and clear. There's no emotion, no blame - just the way it works out.

As soon as you start to blame him for being tight (which we know he is) you will get the blame turned back on you and the anger will start. He might offer to give you more money in the short term - this might keep you happy until after the holidays and could be an ok compromise.

Go on the holiday, try to have a good time for your kids sake. Then get rid of him immediately after. Keep your eye on the long term and promise yourself that after the holiday, it is over and your new life can begin.

When partners have a big different in earnings, a fairer way to co-pay is to split expenses by percentage. So say, you both pay x percentage of your income towards rent & bills. This makes it proportionally more equal.

Why do I get the feeling your partner won’t be open to the idea of such an agreement?

It would be interesting to hear from the tight men in here.

Takers? Let's hear your defences.

Does your holiday abroad include you looking after his kids,organising things?
For the hospital alone I'd leave him.This is not a partnership.
Next time he mentions your savings/emergency money tell him it's all gone as you have been subsiding him.Then ,when he tries to shut you down tell him it's over.

My DH is a self confessed tight-wad (will walk half a mile if it meant he could park for free!!) However...there is absolutely no way on this earth he wouldn't contribute fully to our finances.

This leech you're with will continue to rinse you. Get rid of him.

Unsure why you’re even questioning this tbh. You asked for a lift to see your son in hospital and he asked for petrol money, that’s really all the reason you need to LTB.

You're probably feeling pretty overwhelmed by all these responses, but I hope you stick around for support, op.

He has it made & yet still resentful, i suspect he also wants you to spend your savings so become more dependent on him. He's already controlling situations by making you feel like can't communicate issues. If wanted to be a part of your family, he'd not see your kids go without so he can benefits or treat them as solely yours financially, not buying them gifts is just meanness ffs I buy family/friends kids gifts there not mine.

Its less than he'd have to pay for a house share in many areas, not including food, all housework would be his responsibility & would need to try treat fellow housemates with more respect than he gives you his DP. Presumably a cheap house share isn't an option if wants kids to be able to stay anyway.

Unless he's bullshitting about income & genuinely couldn't afford to put fuel in car nobody would ask for contributions for the hospital trip.
Shame you can't cancel holiday or at least his tickets. I imagine going away with such a mean person would suck out lot of the joy.

I've driven 100s of miles for free to take someone to hospital
He cares nothing for you or your children

A single unemployed person on UC receives £70 a week & has to pay all their bills & food. He is a working adult, who should be paying you more !

Why are you buying all his food ?
Why are you under charging him for accommodation & bills

You & you children should be your first priority. He is stealing from you !