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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

MY partner is so tight with money is this normal

871 replies

Reynolds1212 · 15/05/2019 18:46

I’ve been with my parter for six years I have three children from a previous relationship. My kids don’t see their father anymore he moved away and that was it he stopped contact which upset them greatly.
Anyway my partner earns in a day what I get in Three/four days so I’m not talking a small amount here .
My house is rented I pay all the bills all the rent and food he gives me £70 a week. I have a decent job but not amazing. I’ve added up my bills and rent and food and it’s a lot I have roughly £150-200 left per month for like treats for the kids clothes etc it is a struggle sometimes esp when a unexpected bill hits me etc my boys dad pays nothing. My partner is giving me £70 per week he earns about £3000-4000 a month he’s saving he keeps saying for us for a mortgage it’s hard to trust tbh. But this week I’ve been extra short I’ve had to borrow money off my mom to get food because we had a holiday to pay off which. Was half each and my car had to have lots of repairs done I’ve told him all week I have no money he just says well what happened to my £70 lol it doesn’t got very far with all k to outgoings the house is in my name so he thinks he doesn’t have to pay half but I rented the house before we met anyway and he moved in . He got two kids he has to pay CSA for but it isn’t that much £60 a week. I’m so sick of watching him buy stuff online and get new things and I haven’t got a pot to Pee in till the end of the month. If I bring up money it all kicks off he says not his kids and that I would have to pay it all if he wasn’t here. That’s not the point if they weren’t here he would have to pay half surely ?
He doesn’t buy food or give me extra hardly ever I have to beg for an extra £10 sometimes to get stuff he thinks £70 covers the food council tax water etc and it doesn’t
He’s got a lovely car and a nice van and my cars a bit of a banger now but it’s all I can afford it doesn’t seem fair after six years.
He doesn’t buy me things on Xmas and birthday I get stuff but never in between like he wouldn’t buy me clothes or the boys clothes at all.
He’s got other nice qualities but I feel like I pay for everything and he’s living for free and has no qualms about it I’ve bought it up so many times and it causes a row till he knows I won’t bring it back up again. His kids come to stay and he pays the same I have to text him and say get them food etc because it got to a point where I was feeding them to on £70 so I make him buy their food now. Everything is half holidays days out meals he never pays and he’s got the money to pay.
It’s getting to the point where I’ve had enough I don’t want this future now I’m in my early 30’s we don’t go out much if we do granted he does pay for my food but I always end up paying the drinks or something it’s never all for free.
I asked him for a lift to the hospital the other week and he asked me for a tenner for fuel I was just gobsmacked my son was in Hosptial and he asked me for money.
I don’t know what to do is anyone else partner like this please advise

OP posts:
Original poster
Reynolds1212 · 15/05/2019 23:59

Uumpus I wish I had money to waste and always asking for things my son was having an emergency operation

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 15/05/2019 23:59

Heres a mans perspective. he dosent trust you.

What bollocks!
If trust was the issue he could just pay his fair share of money straight to the landlords or buy food or pay a bill directly. Instead he gives her £70 a week and in return he gets a home, all bills paid, all food and all laundry and cleaning. He is taking the absolute piss!

IronManisnotDead · 16/05/2019 00:02

Crack on being a mug then OP because clearly your holiday is more important.

Original poster
Reynolds1212 · 16/05/2019 00:02

I don’t even have a credit card etc to waste money and even if he got the shoppkng himself and paid bills I would be happy with that. I’m offended at your comment I live on a budget

OP posts:
dogfishman · 16/05/2019 00:04

Am a bloke. This guy is an embarrassment to us all. Dump his sorry selfish arse, then have a party to celebrate.

UCOinanOCG · 16/05/2019 05:45

I would write down all your costs and ask him for his proper share. If he refuses show him the door. He is having it far too cushy.

QuickQuestion2019 · 16/05/2019 06:18

This is one of the worst things I've read on here barring situations where partners are violent. This IS financial and emotional abuse though OP. I don't know anyone in my life, least of all my boyfriend who'd charge me fuel to drive me to hospital. Please come back and let support you in getting rid of him.

timeisnotaline · 16/05/2019 07:25

Don’t give him a penny compensation for the holiday. If he brings it up tell him you’ve been subsidising him for years, if he wants to pay that back you will send him a bill and then you’d be able to afford to pay for a holiday. You do have to include the benefits, council tax etc hes cost you by living there in what it costs to have him- you really have been paying for him.

jay55 · 16/05/2019 07:32

He wouldn't get a room in a house share including bills and food for £70 a week.

So why are you subsiding him?
Why are you letting him take food out of your children's mouths and clothes off their backs?
Because that is what he is doing.
And a man who does that isn't tight with money he's a contemptible bastard.

Afternoonteadelight · 16/05/2019 07:33

I wouldn’t even give him the chance to start paying half . Get rid regardless.
Comments like “I’m not getting any younger “ aren’t helping you. It shows you are prepared to put up with crap because you think you don’t deserve better.
People will only treat you how you allow them to. When you start asking about money he shouts at you and you let it go. Don’t let it drop

MsChookandtheelvesofFahFah · 16/05/2019 07:40

Even if you managed to talk to him, even if he agreed to pay £1000 a month incl., even if he agreed to do half the housework I would still get rid of him. The fact that he has had no qualms about treating you so shabbily up to now shows what a miserable excuse for an adult he is. How can he possibly think it's ok for a partner to live on the breadline while he has £1000s to spend? In the nicest possible way, get some self-respect and throw him out.

fedup21 · 16/05/2019 07:44

I just can’t see how he can justify paying so little on living costs?! Where did he live before he fell on his feet with you?? Has he ever lived alone?

Are you going to ask him to leave and where do you imagine he'll go?

BusterGonad · 16/05/2019 07:53

I do feel for you Op but I just cannot believe you thought this was ever okay or normal. I'm not being rude but you must seriously have such low self esteem to have put up with this for so long. You and your children deserve more, your children are currently thinking that this relationship is normal and will grow up allowing themselves to be treated like shit too. Get him out asap!

OldBean2 · 16/05/2019 07:56

The room I rent is £700 per month. I buy my own food.

Go onto spare room and look at rooms for rent locally.

As to the holiday, he owes you that money plus a heck of a lot more.

You are worth much more than this and so are your children.

bigbadbadger · 16/05/2019 08:01

He's a parasite and is taking money that you should spend on your children.

SmellMySmellbow · 16/05/2019 08:03

Even if you still plan on going on the holiday, you can't spend the next 8 weeks with him because of it. This scenario really is not good for your kids, even if you're willing to tolerate it.

BlokeHereInPeace · 16/05/2019 08:05

Another bloke here. Sorry. Dump. Terrible example to your kids.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 16/05/2019 08:09

I have two dc and I’m married to a man that’s not their father. He pays the same as me towards household costs and food etc, I fact % wise he pays more as he earns less than me because he pays for all their sporting activities too. That’s how it should be. When you live or marry someone with dc, you have to expect they come as part of the package and that includes finances

Chocmallows · 16/05/2019 08:10

I haven't read it all, but parts. I would

  1. chuck him out
  2. holiday with kids
  3. see if I was entitled to wftc 4, 5, 6 etc) never be a mug again
DoctorManhattan · 16/05/2019 08:11

When I started read your opening post I thought yeah, he sounds a little tight but in fairness maybe he’s contributing in other ways. Then I got to the bit about the hospital and that put a whole different perspective on things.

A partner who loves and cares for you is meant to support you in those rare but crucial times of need. That means if your kid is in the hospital for emergency surgery, they will drive you there whenever you need - 7 days a week if that’s what it takes. To be asked just once, and to then demand money for fuel - that speaks volumes to me, and shows that he simply has no respect or love for you at all.

He’s thinking only of the money and how HE might be inconvenienced.

You’re being used completely. He gets to live comfortably for a pittance and contribute the absolute bare minimum. He is no doubt building a nice nest egg for himself for future years when he inevitably gets bored of his current setup and decides to move on. Get rid of him.

wildhairdontcare · 16/05/2019 08:12

Break down your outgoings. Regardless if you lived there before he lives there is... he pays!

I would show him and if he blows up dump him, change holiday and view it as back payments! I do not say this lightly. You would be better off mentally and financially.

Quartz2208 · 16/05/2019 08:14

Take the kids out of it he isnt even supporting half of himself

He is paying you the type of money I would expect a grown up child to pay a parent, it doesnt cover his share of the rent let alone cover his share of the food and bills.

I suspect if he went you would find yourself better off (the single adult person council tax discount, reduction in food bills etc)

Grainedmonkey · 16/05/2019 08:15

How are you feeling this morning OP? hope you're ok

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 16/05/2019 08:16

He’s a mean, selfish cocklodger. Bin him, you’ll be better off.

PompeyBez · 16/05/2019 08:18

Op this is absolutely shocking, and I may get shouted down for suggesting this, but verging on financial abuse. He is taking you for a ride to line his own pockets. I guarantee if it comes to the point of buying a home together his savings will be his alone and he will want more of the equity or everything in his name. He should be paying his ex double what hes paying so she is getting short changed too. You realise that via the cms he gets a discount as it accounts for your children too? Where's that money going? This is what I'd do. Get copies of his pay slips, pass them to his children's mother (she's probably been spun lies too) change the holiday so you go with your kids (the money he has paid can come off the amount hes been under paying you for years) then pack his bags and send him packing. He will then find out exactly what it means to live in the real world and pay your own way!

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