MY partner is so tight with money is this normal

[Reynolds1212]

I’ve been with my parter for six years I have three children from a previous relationship. My kids don’t see their father anymore he moved away and that was it he stopped contact which upset them greatly.
Anyway my partner earns in a day what I get in Three/four days so I’m not talking a small amount here .
My house is rented I pay all the bills all the rent and food he gives me £70 a week. I have a decent job but not amazing. I’ve added up my bills and rent and food and it’s a lot I have roughly £150-200 left per month for like treats for the kids clothes etc it is a struggle sometimes esp when a unexpected bill hits me etc my boys dad pays nothing. My partner is giving me £70 per week he earns about £3000-4000 a month he’s saving he keeps saying for us for a mortgage it’s hard to trust tbh. But this week I’ve been extra short I’ve had to borrow money off my mom to get food because we had a holiday to pay off which. Was half each and my car had to have lots of repairs done I’ve told him all week I have no money he just says well what happened to my £70 lol it doesn’t got very far with all k to outgoings the house is in my name so he thinks he doesn’t have to pay half but I rented the house before we met anyway and he moved in . He got two kids he has to pay CSA for but it isn’t that much £60 a week. I’m so sick of watching him buy stuff online and get new things and I haven’t got a pot to Pee in till the end of the month. If I bring up money it all kicks off he says not his kids and that I would have to pay it all if he wasn’t here. That’s not the point if they weren’t here he would have to pay half surely ?
He doesn’t buy food or give me extra hardly ever I have to beg for an extra £10 sometimes to get stuff he thinks £70 covers the food council tax water etc and it doesn’t
He’s got a lovely car and a nice van and my cars a bit of a banger now but it’s all I can afford it doesn’t seem fair after six years.
He doesn’t buy me things on Xmas and birthday I get stuff but never in between like he wouldn’t buy me clothes or the boys clothes at all.
He’s got other nice qualities but I feel like I pay for everything and he’s living for free and has no qualms about it I’ve bought it up so many times and it causes a row till he knows I won’t bring it back up again. His kids come to stay and he pays the same I have to text him and say get them food etc because it got to a point where I was feeding them to on £70 so I make him buy their food now. Everything is half holidays days out meals he never pays and he’s got the money to pay.
It’s getting to the point where I’ve had enough I don’t want this future now I’m in my early 30’s we don’t go out much if we do granted he does pay for my food but I always end up paying the drinks or something it’s never all for free.
I asked him for a lift to the hospital the other week and he asked me for a tenner for fuel I was just gobsmacked my son was in Hosptial and he asked me for money.
I don’t know what to do is anyone else partner like this please advise

OP. I hope your son is recovering well.
This situation has probably crept up on you bit by bit. You are not to blame! He is! You have been working and supporting your family almost single handed and can do so again. Please don't put yourself down or let people berate you. Its always easy to say, hard to do in real life, particularly if you are worn down and exhausted from the struggle.
It sounds like you are in good communication with your brother. Can he help you make a plan, and be there to give you some moral support? if you decide your current partner should move out? It doesn't sound like yr partner will easily give up his very very favourable board and lodgings.
Make your plans and get as much real life support and help as you can. Best of luck

Literally only here to see how the OP could possibly rationalise not evicting the cocklodger.

Sometimes things like the holiday are the price of a lesson learned. And they are CHEAP compared to the cost of interminable years of a parasite.

You are actually paying a man to live with you. That is as low as self-respect can get.

OP, can you not love yourself just a little? I bet your children think the world of you. Can you not live up to their expectations at least? For them if not for yourself?

He is a disgusting cocklodger.

If my live in DP of six years ever asked me for petrol money so I could get to the hospital to see my sick child when he knew I was financially struggling and he had lots of disposable income he would be fucking dead to me and being in his presence would turn my stomach.

Also if what you say about him fiddling his income to pay a lower rate of CMS for his biological children is true then why would you stay with a piece of shit human like that?

He isn't being tight because he is saving for your future he is being tight because he is a selfish, nasty user.

This is financial abuse. You must see that?

He is abusing you.

If he doesn't pay 50% of the household bills, why are you letting him live with you?

Why would you stand by and watch him not even provide anything for your children? He has been living with them for years. Do you think they won't feel like they are second best to him?

As for asking for petrol money under such circumstances.......He is an absolute cunt. King cunt sitting on his money whilst the lady he loves and her children suffer.

Please, PLEASE get some self respect. TELL him he immediately pays whats fair, else he has to be out in a week. If he leaves, then you know he doesn't think your even worth 70 quid each week.

If I bring up money it all kicks off he says not his kids and that I would have to pay it all if he wasn’t here

2 things that make this statement ridiculous

Firstly the all would be less than the £70 he gives you and

Secondly if you turn this around he would be paying a damn site more than £70 if he had to go and find somewhere else.

If my live in DP of six years ever asked me for petrol money so I could get to the hospital to see my sick child when he knew I was financially struggling and he had lots of disposable income he would be fucking dead to me and being in his presence would turn my stomach.
Pretty much.

I agree with all of the above. You are doing so much for him - rent, cooking, cleaning, sex, companionship, all for £70 a week. You struggle, while he earns about £1000 a week, squirrelling all his money. He doesn’t care about you, that’s obvious from the hospital incident. Even a kindly neighbour would drive you up without asking for petrol money!

The fact that he doesn’t give his child what he should despite earning a decent wage is a massive red flag too. If he defrauds his own child, why would he care about you or your children?

As previous people gave said, financially you would be better off without him.

The holiday is sticky, but go with him if you must but I would start planning your ducks and getting them in a row.

Omg what a absolute arsehole! You and your kids come as a package when he got with you he took on your kids as well! Yes ok their not his responsibility but he sounds like he resents them completely. Sounds like you'd be much better of without him he's not adding to your life at all just taking away from you.
What happens when you split up (and you will) and he's got all his savings and your left with fuck all only to feel upset with yourself?!

And the fuel for a lift?! That's just cringeworthy

He is not a man at all... Get rid of him! You and you children deserve better

Bet he will clear off when he's saved enough for a house deposit for HIMSELF!! Don't let it get to that OP, he's using you. What a twat he is taking from a single mum and her kids.

LTB

If he paid 50% of all bills, I'd still think he's an arse. He should be paying more given he earns so much more and you'd be entitled to discounts if he didn't live with you. It's financially abusive. I'm going to go against the grain here though and say putting up with him for 8 more weeks is doeable in the grand scheme of your whole relationship. It would be better if you hid his passport last minute, and went with a friend instead though.

Whilst he is living perfectly happily on £70 per week he won’t be buying any house because that would mean giving money to other people.

It would be interesting to ask him how much has he saved and even, let’s start looking for houses.

Honestly OP I don't think you are worrying you'll be outed here I think you are smart and this thread has made you realise that it's not ok but it's hard to decide to move on so it's easier to ignore it.

I honestly feel for you it's so easy for the creep...where something that isn't ok just becomes the norm and it's tough to realise you need to leave.

For context my DP isn't the higher earner...however the DC are not his but Exdh and the only thing that frustrates him is if there is something for the family or the house and I ask to borrow money....he generally moans that it's our money so why am I asking to borrow our money

He spend a the majority of his money on the house or the DC and doesn't turn a single hair

We are a team

Your DP is a selfish dick get out

OP, I'm coming back to comment again. This man has properly given me the rage on your behalf. Have you actually considered how much hes been able to squirrel away whilst he's spent the last 6 years sponging off you? He's easily been able to put away over a thousand pounds a month. If not more. I bet hes got a lovely work pension accumulating too. Just have a think about that. Probably enough for a very sizeable deposit. Yet, you're living hand to mouth, having to ask your mum for help? What does she say? She must realise something isn't right. And to ask you for petrol money to go to the hospital to your sick son. I could understand if he was a bit hard up and didn't have the money, but when you consider what he earns and the amount he must have stashed away it's absolutely disgusting!!! No wonder he starts an argument if you want to talk about money. Even someone living with their parents doesn't have those sort of perks. I just can't fathom how he thinks it's ok to treat you like that

First off thank you for taking the time to reply and I have read each one through twice this morning. I am so glad that my thinking has been justified as in I'm working four days a week getting up at 6.00 getting home at gone 5 and I'm budgeting for the whole Month and he's just breezing through life not a care in the world. It isn't fair one bit and it's taken me this long the last four months to actually realise what I'm doing.
I brought up the money last night and I said I'm struggling he was like not my problem it's not my fault you don't earn as much as I do and I'm saving for a deposit I'm doing it for us. Well I said your not it's for yourself I won't see it then he brought up the kids dad not paying again he knows how much trouble I've had trying to pursue him for the money and but you can't count my kids as adults who should be paying rent was my argument anywhere you lived you would have to pay a lot more then you do here and he said he will move back to his dads as he only has to give him £60 well yeah but he has to buy his own food on top there as well which he doesn't do here so I'm actually getting a shitter deal then his dad does.
I know the situation isn't changing as he doesn't believe he has to pay any extra in his mind this is ok and he's been brought up like this so yeah I'm not getting any more money. I can't continue arguing about it and I don't want this for my whole life he's banking all his money and I'm here on my arse..also the kids he doesn't get them anything ever yes they aren't his kids but not buying them a present or anything it's not right my stepdad used to give me pocket money and buy me clothes as I didn't have a dad it wasn't his job but he did it anyway he did what was right and I want the same for the kids because I love them I just don't love myself enough that the issue I think this is is I don't deserve better and I do and they do and i know that now.
I just need to decide whether to limp along for two months and it's scary thinking I will be on my own as well as I know this life. I know what I have to do and everyone has really helped me open my eyes as to what I'm putting up with in my life.
I've seen my brother with his step kids and it's nothing like my situation at all they adore him and he does so much for them.
My partner does help out looking after them a little bit when needed or if I'm working but it's like there isn't hardly any bond there they are my job and nothing to do with him I think it's the whole bigger picture and not just the money isn't it he hasn't accepted them at all even his family haven't but I think it's because he hasn't like they don't get the kids Xmas presents either or a birthday card they get them for his kids but never mine and that's never felt right he lives here fgs.
I take them to family parties etc and their nice enough but they don't class them as part of their family or they would get them a birthday card or a Xmas present wouldn't they my mom buys for his kids.
I'm so down today I've wasted six years

it's scary thinking I will be on my own

Everyone is afraid at a time of personal growth. It is totally normal and understandable. It is only a problem if the fear stops you from doing what needs to be done. You and your DC deserve better than living with a man who doesn't give a fuck about your welfare.

Put the 6 years down as an experience that you will learn from...then look forward to the years ahead without him dragging you and your family down.

Don't waste another six, OP. Don't waste another day if you can help it.

Change the locks today. He's s lodger. He has no rights.

What an absolute cunt. Bin him off pronto!

Okay - you wasted six years. Don't make it six years and one more day wasted.

You will be so much happier and financially better off without this cocklodger in your life.

Gentle hugs op. The financial situation aside, the way he treats you and your children is awful. You're right, even though they're not his kids, 6 years is a long time and he should have some kind of bond with them. Hes been with you watching them grow and it doesn't seem to mean much to him. You know what a good step parent looks like. You and your family come as a package, your children are part of you and deserve to feel part of a family. Also, the fact that he doesn't care about you struggling is awful, and how he has responded by saying he will just move back to his dads and get the same deal?? He thinks you're just going to put up with this, doesn't he? Prove him wrong OP. You and your kids deserve so much better. I don't know the answer to the holiday situation, just do what feels right for you xx

Be strong OP, for yourself and your DC. Get rid of him. If he loved you he wouldn’t be putting you through this.

Please reverse your thinking. Thank goodness you have realised now what he truly is and it's only 6 years and not several decades you've been strung along for.

Please stop doing domestic chores for him, you could be quite subtle for now Shane most of his dirty washing didn't get done as priorities were DC...

Also make a menu plan of the cheapest meals possible for a few months as "that's all I can afford" you can always but the DC extra treats when he won't see it.

Detach detach detach, emotionally prepare for ending it. Your choice whether to limp on through the holiday or not.

I would mention at some point in the future but more of a casual "I can't believe that after 6 years you care for me so little that you find it acceptable to see me the DC financially struggle. I guess it shows that your bank balance means more to you than we do." Then walk away from him and don't get into a discussion about it.

The holiday situation is a hard one because his kids are excited as well and Im quite close to them after all these years and I don't want to hurt them. It's been very hard lately especially since my son was in hospital because I think he knew he overstepped the mark asking me for money because he backtracked very quickly because I completely lost it but the fact he even said it in the first place was probably the straw that broke the camels back. There has been many times he has seen me struggle we went on a caravan holiday last year and I gave my kids £10 a day spending money and he was giving his £20 and mine were like why can't we have £20 and I said I can't afford it and he said now I feel bad I want to treat my kids and can't because you can't treat your kids so now I've got to lower my kids money and I cried that day. Even now it makes me want to cry because I just put up with it we should of gave all the kids the same and I've had enough I'm done with it all.
I've told a fraction on here of how it is. I will post back in the next few weeks as I don't see me making it till the end of July anyway. I find it hard to love him now so what is the point anyway what's the point in pretending it's just making that step and actually doing it now that's the hard part.