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Original poster

MY partner is so tight with money is this normal

871 replies

Reynolds1212 · 15/05/2019 18:46

I’ve been with my parter for six years I have three children from a previous relationship. My kids don’t see their father anymore he moved away and that was it he stopped contact which upset them greatly.
Anyway my partner earns in a day what I get in Three/four days so I’m not talking a small amount here .
My house is rented I pay all the bills all the rent and food he gives me £70 a week. I have a decent job but not amazing. I’ve added up my bills and rent and food and it’s a lot I have roughly £150-200 left per month for like treats for the kids clothes etc it is a struggle sometimes esp when a unexpected bill hits me etc my boys dad pays nothing. My partner is giving me £70 per week he earns about £3000-4000 a month he’s saving he keeps saying for us for a mortgage it’s hard to trust tbh. But this week I’ve been extra short I’ve had to borrow money off my mom to get food because we had a holiday to pay off which. Was half each and my car had to have lots of repairs done I’ve told him all week I have no money he just says well what happened to my £70 lol it doesn’t got very far with all k to outgoings the house is in my name so he thinks he doesn’t have to pay half but I rented the house before we met anyway and he moved in . He got two kids he has to pay CSA for but it isn’t that much £60 a week. I’m so sick of watching him buy stuff online and get new things and I haven’t got a pot to Pee in till the end of the month. If I bring up money it all kicks off he says not his kids and that I would have to pay it all if he wasn’t here. That’s not the point if they weren’t here he would have to pay half surely ?
He doesn’t buy food or give me extra hardly ever I have to beg for an extra £10 sometimes to get stuff he thinks £70 covers the food council tax water etc and it doesn’t
He’s got a lovely car and a nice van and my cars a bit of a banger now but it’s all I can afford it doesn’t seem fair after six years.
He doesn’t buy me things on Xmas and birthday I get stuff but never in between like he wouldn’t buy me clothes or the boys clothes at all.
He’s got other nice qualities but I feel like I pay for everything and he’s living for free and has no qualms about it I’ve bought it up so many times and it causes a row till he knows I won’t bring it back up again. His kids come to stay and he pays the same I have to text him and say get them food etc because it got to a point where I was feeding them to on £70 so I make him buy their food now. Everything is half holidays days out meals he never pays and he’s got the money to pay.
It’s getting to the point where I’ve had enough I don’t want this future now I’m in my early 30’s we don’t go out much if we do granted he does pay for my food but I always end up paying the drinks or something it’s never all for free.
I asked him for a lift to the hospital the other week and he asked me for a tenner for fuel I was just gobsmacked my son was in Hosptial and he asked me for money.
I don’t know what to do is anyone else partner like this please advise

OP posts:
crimsonlake · 15/05/2019 22:32

He must have been tight from the start. Why, why, why did you accept and put up with this from the beginning. Not meaning to be unkind but were you desperate to be in any relationship?

DarklyDreamingDexter · 15/05/2019 22:37

Absolutely disgraceful behaviour. He's not going to get any better. Do you seriously see him ever buying a house with you if the mortgage he's saving for ever comes to fruition? No chance. It will be HIS house and he'll expect you to pay to live in it, without ever sharing ownership. People like him don't get any better, they only get worse. Bin him off now. Can you afford to buy him out of the holiday? He's exploiting you badly and you'll be better off financially without him in terms of food, water, council tax etc. You are subsiding his future house purchase/financial security at the expense of your own. Let's see how far £70 a week gets him when you chuck him out. Bloody user.

EKGEMS · 15/05/2019 22:40

Honestly as petty as I can be I'd sneak some of his paperwork and make photocopies and forward them anonymously to the ex such as his checking and savings accounts,etcetera. I'd love to see him have to pay what he owes

BumbleBeee69 · 15/05/2019 22:45

this is awful OP.

wildhairdontcare · 15/05/2019 22:47

Are you the lead passenger on the holiday? I would pay to change his place to your mum!

LannieDuck · 15/05/2019 22:48

So for £70/wk, he's getting: rent, council tax, heating/water/electric, wifi?, cleaner, cook, and his laundry done.

Where do I sign up? :)

whatthehe11 · 15/05/2019 22:52

Not acceptable. I wouldn't just ask him to move out, I'd be ending things. He isn't just right. He knows he is and has been taking advantage of you - not only at your expense, but at your kids expense too. That is pretty disgusting. If he cared I doubt he would have done / be doing it. £70pw is a bloody joke.

specterlitt · 15/05/2019 22:54

OP, you tell him this is not working for you, you tell him calmly that this is not the relationship you thought it would be and that in the long term you do not see a future with him any longer. You can say you have tried to work on your feelings but you are absolutely certain now that parting ways is what is best for you and your children and you want to put your children first also.

Tell him that enough is enough now, and that he has 1 week to gather all his items and find accommodation. You will not subsidise him any longer and would appreciate that he leaves as soon as possible with minimal disruption to the lives of your children. Stand up to him, do not let him manipulate you at all.

He knows what he has with you is great financially, he won't go with ease. If he does kick off, when he leaves the house pack his stuff, leave them outside for him to collect and change the locks. Sometimes people have to be dealt with in a tough manner if they're behaving a certain way.

I hope you do find the courage to stand up for you and your children, this is not his house, it's yours, you are not dependent on him, claim your life back and raise the bar. You deserve better!

Sally2791 · 15/05/2019 23:00

Get rid asap. Nasty user.

babytum · 15/05/2019 23:09

It’s so easy to say kick him out, sod the holiday and LTB but it’s not that easy when you’ve had years of conditioning from being treated like shit. Today’s an eyeopener OP, you have it well and truly confirmed he is a pathetic specimen that has leeched off you over the years and most likely thinks he’s paying his fair share and his shit is marmalade.
You’ve had a tonne of advice, take a breath and make your decision in your own time. Some people need to emotionally detach and do things at a slow pace and some can make big changes in a short space of time. Do what’s right for you. If you’ve paid money that was difficult to achieve then go on your holiday, you need and deserve it if you can stomach looking at him for the next couple of weeks.
Ultimately he’s no addition to you or your children so do what you need to do to get to your end goal. And very best of luck

BummyKnocker · 15/05/2019 23:11

He earns £3-4k per MONTH and pays you £70 per week and charges you petrol money for visiting your own son? WTAF. What a tight fisted arseball.

He is a top cocklodger, dump him, you are worth so much more.

lifebegins50 · 15/05/2019 23:21

Op, you sound scared of his reaction.

Can you discuss with family so you have support. Also his type could turn nasty, maybe not physical but vindictive. Think through how you get hin to leave and ensure you are safe

Dieu · 15/05/2019 23:26

I would ditch his sorry, tight arse. So massively unappealing and unattractive.
Mind you, I wouldn't have touched him with a barge pole in the first place, given the relatively measly amount he pays towards his own kids.

Original poster
Reynolds1212 · 15/05/2019 23:29

I know people on here think I’m a mug and I would say the same to a friend when your in it and have got used to it then you lower your expectations sadly . But I’m not getting any younger he’s always been tight but I didn’t realise how bad it was till I spoke to someone at work and she agreed the kids aren’t adults so they can’t help so he should pay half regardless of the kids granted I pay more for the food and their needs but as in paying bills I’m working everyday I’m tired and I’ve got Fuck all to show for it I’m depressed. The holiday I’ve been paying since September I can’t affoef to give him half but it’s my name on the lead of the holiday anyway. Just don’t want the whole drama as his kids are going aswell so I will get blamed for it all. Thanks for your replies and comments it does help me think much clearer than ever before

OP posts:
Grainedmonkey · 15/05/2019 23:33

OP I can totally sympathise. Its easy to loose perspective which I why you might have been with this guy for 6 years just accepting his meanness with money, he will never change! The positive is that you have now realised that his financial abuse is unacceptable and not normal. You seem to have found some confidence . I sincerely hope you can find the strength to end this relationship (the holiday is a small consideration compared to what is at stake for you Long term )

MrPickles73 · 15/05/2019 23:36

His £70 a month is probably not covering what he eats
In the least he should pay 1/5th of your monthly costs including food, rent, utilities etc. But he sounds mean so it sounds like you'd be better off without him anyway x

SpecterLitt · 15/05/2019 23:39

OP, you are not a mug, please do not think that you are. You went in to a relationship with honest intentions and have done your best by someone you care for, unfortunately it just not has been reciprocated. None of us have a full insight in to your relationship, you know it better than any of us, but from the little you have said, this man does not sound pleasant. He does not sound like one who will look after you and your children and consider them like his own one day. He obviously does not see the relationship as equals either. You do not deserve that.

You have a roof over your head, are not dependent on anyone and are providing for your children, you have a lot to show for what you're doing. Don't take away your hard work from yourself.

Go on this holiday, consider it the breaking up holiday, enjoy it best you can and certainly let the children enjoy it. Perhaps before you even consider ending the relationship, speak to him about the relationship status and whether he will begin to pay half the rent and put some money towards the bills as an equal partner that wants a future with you. If he says he cannot then it's from then you can start your process and tell him that this is not the future you want.

Find some solace in friends and use them for support, you do deserve better, whether it be from him stepping up or with someone else entirely, just do not sell you and your kids short. They deserve someone who will love them too.

I wish you so much happiness OP and hope things do get better for you, if you ever need to talk, never hesitate to reach out to me on here and others and those around you. Don't let yourself feel isolated.

PickAChew · 15/05/2019 23:43

Cancel the holiday. If you lose your deposit, you're still better off. Was it even your idea, anyhow?

Bookworm4 · 15/05/2019 23:45

Get him out your house; there's no salvaging to be done. He might agree to change to keep his cushy number going but will more than likely go back to his old ways very quickly. You can go on holiday without him and if he asks to be reimbursed just laugh at him.

Fere · 15/05/2019 23:49

OP, if he moves out ne3xt week by the time his holiday comes you'd be better off:
25% reduction of council tax
no payments for the rest of the bill for the holiday - I bet you can cancel tomorrow.
if you can - think of renting one room

you can do it, it is the right thing, if he becomes nasty, ask him to leave and if he refuses - call the police

Grainedmonkey · 15/05/2019 23:50

I agree there is little to be gained from trying to renegotiate with him financially. His financial behaviour is ingrained and a part of who he is. It goes further than just the practicalities , he is a mean man .

NC4Now · 15/05/2019 23:50

I presume you lost tax credits when he moved in as he is expected to contribute? Except he doesn’t.

Uupumus · 15/05/2019 23:53

Heres a mans perspective. he dosent trust you.

From how you describe it, your speaking about quantities for his incom and belongings but not when you mention your own, e.g. his wage is 4 times yourse, he has this that and the other, that stands out to me.

perhaps thats just how you mention it here, but giving your details about how guarded he is about money, that reminds me of people i know with partners that waste money. you havent said you spend it on anything but bills so i could be wrong, but it sounds very familliar.

the petrol money for going to see your kid in hospital just sounds like he is a prick, but again, if you put it in context of you (and im not saying you do this) always asking for somthing, it makes a bit more sence.

i think you need to look at how you use money honestly and if its true you dont waste any, then as above, bin him.

Grainedmonkey · 15/05/2019 23:56

Uupumus seriously , get lost

Original poster
Reynolds1212 · 15/05/2019 23:57

It’s paid I paid the balance last week and it’s the first time since 2014 we have been abroad and the kids are so excited either way me and the kids will be going.
I spoke to my brother about what he pays his partner last week and was so shocked as covers more then half and he said well I earn more and she has two kids that aren’t his then I thought well my situation is messed up here and my work friend I told her and she was shocked I’m putting up with it too it’s hit Home this will be my life forever with him and I it’s not what I want

OP posts: