Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

MY partner is so tight with money is this normal

871 replies

Reynolds1212 · 15/05/2019 18:46

I’ve been with my parter for six years I have three children from a previous relationship. My kids don’t see their father anymore he moved away and that was it he stopped contact which upset them greatly.
Anyway my partner earns in a day what I get in Three/four days so I’m not talking a small amount here .
My house is rented I pay all the bills all the rent and food he gives me £70 a week. I have a decent job but not amazing. I’ve added up my bills and rent and food and it’s a lot I have roughly £150-200 left per month for like treats for the kids clothes etc it is a struggle sometimes esp when a unexpected bill hits me etc my boys dad pays nothing. My partner is giving me £70 per week he earns about £3000-4000 a month he’s saving he keeps saying for us for a mortgage it’s hard to trust tbh. But this week I’ve been extra short I’ve had to borrow money off my mom to get food because we had a holiday to pay off which. Was half each and my car had to have lots of repairs done I’ve told him all week I have no money he just says well what happened to my £70 lol it doesn’t got very far with all k to outgoings the house is in my name so he thinks he doesn’t have to pay half but I rented the house before we met anyway and he moved in . He got two kids he has to pay CSA for but it isn’t that much £60 a week. I’m so sick of watching him buy stuff online and get new things and I haven’t got a pot to Pee in till the end of the month. If I bring up money it all kicks off he says not his kids and that I would have to pay it all if he wasn’t here. That’s not the point if they weren’t here he would have to pay half surely ?
He doesn’t buy food or give me extra hardly ever I have to beg for an extra £10 sometimes to get stuff he thinks £70 covers the food council tax water etc and it doesn’t
He’s got a lovely car and a nice van and my cars a bit of a banger now but it’s all I can afford it doesn’t seem fair after six years.
He doesn’t buy me things on Xmas and birthday I get stuff but never in between like he wouldn’t buy me clothes or the boys clothes at all.
He’s got other nice qualities but I feel like I pay for everything and he’s living for free and has no qualms about it I’ve bought it up so many times and it causes a row till he knows I won’t bring it back up again. His kids come to stay and he pays the same I have to text him and say get them food etc because it got to a point where I was feeding them to on £70 so I make him buy their food now. Everything is half holidays days out meals he never pays and he’s got the money to pay.
It’s getting to the point where I’ve had enough I don’t want this future now I’m in my early 30’s we don’t go out much if we do granted he does pay for my food but I always end up paying the drinks or something it’s never all for free.
I asked him for a lift to the hospital the other week and he asked me for a tenner for fuel I was just gobsmacked my son was in Hosptial and he asked me for money.
I don’t know what to do is anyone else partner like this please advise

OP posts:
specterlitt · 15/05/2019 21:23

Also a holiday is no reason to stay with someone. You and your children can still go without him but kick him out. Why not use that holiday as a celebratory for losing the leech.

If you cannot go, count tour losses but stop subjecting yourself to this poor excuse of a man, this is not a relationship, you're someone who provides a cheap roof over his head and other favours. Do not be that person. You seem to have one shitty ex, this will be another and time to raise standards. There are fantastic men out there who do not behave like this, raise the bar for yourself, there's no reason to stick with this person at all. He will try and manipulate you when you try and leave but you need to put your foot down and decide what you're willing to put up with, if this is what you want, then that is your prerogative.

peardrops1 · 15/05/2019 21:25

Omg is this for real? OP, if this is a real post, please please please kick him to the kerb! I'm sorry you're with this man. It feels horrible to be exploited by anyone but especially by a partner of 6 years. His attitude towards you is deeply unsettling. It's likely to be engrained and I doubt, sadly, that he is capable of change. Save yourself!

mammatee · 15/05/2019 21:25

From what I can tell he hasn't taken your children on and isn't wanting to be a step dad to them. Therefore he will never want to pay half as he sees the house as yours with three children and him on the outside. He doesn't know what other bills come with a house and kids by the sounds of it and if he does he is definitely just using you to help him save as much as he can.

As for asking for petrol money- that really is taking the piss. He doesn't value you or your children. It shouldn't have even entered his mind at that time. He expected you to pay for his children's food when they came on £70 which is not good enough to pay for him let alone him and two children.

You say that when you go out for meals he'll pay for you and him but never the children- that is incredibly awkward and unkind too, if he valued the children and wanted to be in their life he would make them feel included. Don't allow him to take any credit for the Christmas presents you buy your children either.

You need to leave him and you'll feel less stress. He is manipulating you into paying everything as he is arguing with you until you stop bringing it up, when actually you should bring it up as you are well within your rights to do so! When you leave him try not to worry about money too much, you should be entitled to universal credit if you get £1400 a month (I think) and you'll have one less mouth to feed, a reduction on your council tax, no hygiene products to buy for him, no beer (presuming you bought if he drank at home) Etc etc. Good luck with everything but I think you know you need to kick him to the curb.

CordeliaWyndamPryce · 15/05/2019 21:26

but my holiday is in 8 weeks

Don't get sucked in to the "sunk costs fallacy". The money paid for the holiday is already gone. Don't throw more money (spends) and waste more time on this bloke. Get rid of him and get your finances sorted - can you cancel any tv contracts only he uses such as sports, and claim your council tax discount, check if you are eligible for tax credits now he has left. Then spend the week you have booked off from work getting your house reorganised so there's no sign he was ever there.

peardrops1 · 15/05/2019 21:27

Man, I feel like I need a shower after reading about this gross man.

Afternoonteadelight · 15/05/2019 21:31

I predict the op won’t ask her dp to leave. She will continue this relationship, probably have a baby at which point he will leave her and take his cocklodging arse elsewhere. Could write the script

GarnierBBCream · 15/05/2019 21:31

Wow, so you're willing to walk all over you, take money out of your kids' mouths knowing he is also fucking over his child, so you can go on holiday with this twat?! Are you fucking serious? You're a lost cause.

Lizzie, there are no more tax credits for new claims, only UC.

GabsAlot · 15/05/2019 21:38

Cant you go on holiday without him

Hes not a good person-no he doesnt have to pay for your kids but hes barely paying for himself-saving up his money for his own place which you will prob have no rights too whilst he sponges off you

Original poster
Reynolds1212 · 15/05/2019 21:43

The holiday sounds shitty I know but he will totally kick off if I go without him when he’s paid half and I feel sorry for my kids but maybe you are right and I should completely forget the holiday. It is a real post or I wouldn’t be posting I’m really not this much of an idiot as I sound in real life I’m actually seeing what a twat I am from these posts how do I go about ending this situation and what do I say? He’s gpinf to think it’s our the blue but it’s not it’s been coming a while but he shuts me up about it constantly

OP posts:
Original poster
Reynolds1212 · 15/05/2019 21:44

I’ve just accepted this for so long and now I know it isn’t normal

OP posts:
aweedropofsancerre · 15/05/2019 21:45

I am not married and my OH and I have been together for a long time. My eldest is not his but he has treated him as his own and even funded his private education as he saw that as important. ( we are not super wealthy btw but he saw that as important and was planning it for our other DC. Thats the difference with a partner when you have DC...they take you all on especially if you are bringing them into your home. Its not an opportunity to freeload and remind you that their not his DC. He should never have been allowed to move in with his shitty attitude....i hope after your holiday and perhaps before that this isnt healthy for you or your DC...and he is a sponging silverfish

RandomMess · 15/05/2019 21:46

How much is the holiday in total? If you cancel how much will you use?

How much are you losing out on by having him live there in tax credits, CT reduction etc?

lunicorn · 15/05/2019 21:49

Terrible. Get rid, and get a lodger.

Bluntness100 · 15/05/2019 21:55

Op what's your total bills inc food per month?

There are four of you and one of him. So I'm not sure I agree he should pay half, they aren't his kids. But paying a third seems more than fair.

He's paying 280 a month. Seems low to me.

I'd total up the bills and food etc and say I expect you to pay a third of the costs, I guess he's maybe thinking 20 percent, or one fifth, as he's one of the five of you. And then ask him for the third or whatever you think is right.

Asking you for petrol money is an absolute shocker though. It really is. You don't do that to someone you love.

SmellMySmellbow · 15/05/2019 21:55

Fuck the holiday! You can save up and take the kids away on your own. Borrow a tent and take them camping. So long as they get an adventure with you it will be enough. It is not a good reason to stay with this cocklodger any longer. Not a moment longer. He's taking you for an absolute ride. The gall of him!

LazyLizzy · 15/05/2019 21:57

For 6 years you've lost out on tax credits that could have helped pay for your DC?

Was he worth it OP?

Pennel · 15/05/2019 21:57

Someone who’s not paying much for his own kids, what makes you think he will pay for your kids. Get rid of him. He’s had a good deal with you. He must be laughing all the way to the bank. He won’t last long alone. Soon you will see he has attached himself to another vulnerable woman who will be paying his share.

SmellMySmellbow · 15/05/2019 21:59

Oh and he fiddles his money to get away without paying his ex? As you are also experiencing what that's like, thanks to your ex, how does that make you feel?
Do you really want this man in your kids lives? Their mum to be with a man that has no interest in treating them like part of his family? Think what that must be doing to their self-esteem! Get rid for their sakes as well as yours.

GabsAlot · 15/05/2019 22:02

Er you tell him to leave-if he doesnt you pack his stuff and leave it outside while hes at work

He has no rights to your house

GarnierBBCream · 15/05/2019 22:06

Who gives a fuck what he thinks or if he kicks off, he is mugging your kids off the same way he fucks over his own child. You tell him. 'I'm tired of being taken advantage of. Your tight arsedness has killed anything I felt with you. But it's allowed you to save a lot. So you need to get out by Monday. Every time you mug me off you mug off my kids. And you fuck over yours. I'm fucked with this. It's over, get out.'

Windmillwhirl · 15/05/2019 22:06

He's an embarrassment. It's your home, he has no right to stay. Tell him this and if you are worried, have a friend there with you.

The party's over for this leech!

Oh, and I live the camping idea. I loved that as a kid!!!!

category12 · 15/05/2019 22:07

It's not just the money tho, he doesn't do any housework either. So he creates extra work that you do. You might think the kids create work, but a full-grown adult sure does too.

And feeding him is probably more expensive than you think. I bet his portion sizes are the largest and you probably cater to his tastes.

He shouts you down and shuts you up when you try to talk about the unfairness, and he isn't supportive in times of trouble.

OP, even if you could sort out the money side, he's no sort of partner - he doesn't lighten your load or make your life easier, he's weighing you down.

Windmillwhirl · 15/05/2019 22:08

And he has plenty of savings to go to a b&b or hotel.

I'd tell him exactly why you are ending with him as well. It may be your one and only chance to tell him

sweetkitty · 15/05/2019 22:16

Oh OP sack off the holiday why would you even want to go on holiday with this man? Why would you want to have him in your house and bed?

Your children are suffering because of this man? He is taking money off of them. He’s is disgusting.

You will be better off without him, please do yourself a favour a mind get rid of him.

GarnierBBCream · 15/05/2019 22:21

How does your skin not crawl about this piece of shit specimen? He mugs off your kids, his own kid and treats you like a maid.

Swipe left for the next trending thread