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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

MY partner is so tight with money is this normal

871 replies

Reynolds1212 · 15/05/2019 18:46

I’ve been with my parter for six years I have three children from a previous relationship. My kids don’t see their father anymore he moved away and that was it he stopped contact which upset them greatly.
Anyway my partner earns in a day what I get in Three/four days so I’m not talking a small amount here .
My house is rented I pay all the bills all the rent and food he gives me £70 a week. I have a decent job but not amazing. I’ve added up my bills and rent and food and it’s a lot I have roughly £150-200 left per month for like treats for the kids clothes etc it is a struggle sometimes esp when a unexpected bill hits me etc my boys dad pays nothing. My partner is giving me £70 per week he earns about £3000-4000 a month he’s saving he keeps saying for us for a mortgage it’s hard to trust tbh. But this week I’ve been extra short I’ve had to borrow money off my mom to get food because we had a holiday to pay off which. Was half each and my car had to have lots of repairs done I’ve told him all week I have no money he just says well what happened to my £70 lol it doesn’t got very far with all k to outgoings the house is in my name so he thinks he doesn’t have to pay half but I rented the house before we met anyway and he moved in . He got two kids he has to pay CSA for but it isn’t that much £60 a week. I’m so sick of watching him buy stuff online and get new things and I haven’t got a pot to Pee in till the end of the month. If I bring up money it all kicks off he says not his kids and that I would have to pay it all if he wasn’t here. That’s not the point if they weren’t here he would have to pay half surely ?
He doesn’t buy food or give me extra hardly ever I have to beg for an extra £10 sometimes to get stuff he thinks £70 covers the food council tax water etc and it doesn’t
He’s got a lovely car and a nice van and my cars a bit of a banger now but it’s all I can afford it doesn’t seem fair after six years.
He doesn’t buy me things on Xmas and birthday I get stuff but never in between like he wouldn’t buy me clothes or the boys clothes at all.
He’s got other nice qualities but I feel like I pay for everything and he’s living for free and has no qualms about it I’ve bought it up so many times and it causes a row till he knows I won’t bring it back up again. His kids come to stay and he pays the same I have to text him and say get them food etc because it got to a point where I was feeding them to on £70 so I make him buy their food now. Everything is half holidays days out meals he never pays and he’s got the money to pay.
It’s getting to the point where I’ve had enough I don’t want this future now I’m in my early 30’s we don’t go out much if we do granted he does pay for my food but I always end up paying the drinks or something it’s never all for free.
I asked him for a lift to the hospital the other week and he asked me for a tenner for fuel I was just gobsmacked my son was in Hosptial and he asked me for money.
I don’t know what to do is anyone else partner like this please advise

OP posts:
Ogham · 21/05/2019 19:37

Just remember how upset he was the last time you saw him and you let him into the house to talk - he turned on you and threw an almighty tantrum. If you let him back into your life he will behave at first then ramp up the abuse and become more and more controlling. You’ve done the hardest bit, now stay strong and stand firm - a narcissist cannot change for better, only for worse.

squiglet111 · 21/05/2019 19:39

That's great that he doesn't know the exact date. He doesn't know your email passwords or anything like that does he? If he does he can find out himself etc.. so maybe change them if he does.

Butterymuffin · 21/05/2019 19:40

He is really worried now that he is losing his meal ticket. He tried frightening and bullying you first and when he saw you were so fed up that it didn't change your mind, he's switched to making promises of change. He knows very well he was taking financial advantage and doing your kids out of money. Hard to come back from that. Even if you weaken and talk to him, or want to, remember that living with him has made you and your kids poorer. That's not acceptable anymore.

squiglet111 · 21/05/2019 20:42

That's great that he doesn't know the exact date. He doesn't know your email passwords or anything like that does he? If he does he can find out himself etc.. so maybe change them if he does.

aidelmaidel · 21/05/2019 21:12

People change, but they don't change that much. Don't take him back, a man who twists things to make everything all your fault, and who doesn't share what he has, is no partner.

kidsmakesomuchwashing · 21/05/2019 21:24

Get rid!

Original poster
Reynolds1212 · 21/05/2019 22:02

Thankyou everyone your support means so much to me it really helps when I'm feeling shit and weak no contact is not easy as I did love him or what I thought was love or attachment so it's hard at the moment. I feel a bit lonely tonight kids are in bed I've had a bath and then no adult to talk to about my day or whatever but I know feeling that way is no reason to hold onto a relationship that is unhappy in so many million ways :-(

OP posts:
QueenOfTheCroneAge · 21/05/2019 22:11

I understand how you feel - but believe us all here;

HE WILL NOT CHANGE.

You'll get used to your new normal, and will grow in strength. In time, you'll look back and wonder how you put up with you and your DC being treated like garbage for SIX YEARS.

You'll also know better what to look out for in any future potential partners.

Auntpetunia2015 · 21/05/2019 22:29

Learn to enjoy the peace once the kids are in bed. Read a new book listen to music do an on line course anything that you couldn’t do when he was there. Catch up with friends anything to fill the time. Very quickly you will stop missing him. And if you think you’re missing him read back what he was like when he was screaming and shouting at you. I guarantee that will stop you missing him!

GabsAlot · 21/05/2019 22:49

It wil get easier its early days yet

Dont worry about the holiday you booked it so no proof he paid anything -no court would side with him just go and enjoy it

MadeForThis · 21/05/2019 23:07

Keep him blocked and don't listen to his madness. He will keep trying to play the victim. Let him take the final few bits of his stuff then block him from your life.

Locks changed. Police are aware that there is a potential issue with him speak to tax credits too.

Enjoy your freedom.

Happynow001 · 21/05/2019 23:24

He msg me today on instagram I don't even really use that app very rarely so I never blocked him on it as I don't use it but he is struggling to contact me at this point asking if we can talk and he will do more I never responded it is hard as I think maybe he would change but deep down I know he won't not in the long run maybe for a little while but not long term.
...
no contact is not easy as I did love him or what I thought was love or attachment so it's hard at the moment. I feel a bit lonely tonight kids are in bed I've had a bath and then no adult to talk to about my day or whatever

Stay strong OP: I know it's tough but it will get better. You and your children will be financially and, more importantly, emotionally better off without him. Look back at the last six years and remember your hurt and struggles when you are feeling weak or lonely.

You know how much weight to give to the thought he may change, remembering how violently he acted the last time he was in your home.

Remember how you felt, and that your child(ren) were at home when he treating you so badly.

Never forget the person he showed you then is the person he really is. 🌈 🌺

Lorddenning1 · 21/05/2019 23:29

How do you adjust to life as a lone parent? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3339230-how-do-you-adjust-to-life-as-a-lone-parent

Lorddenning1 · 21/05/2019 23:30

Have a look at this thread OP it really helped me to cope on my own again, it's nice to read from the start around aug 2018 to the post that are recent, you can see the journey we have all been on since we split with our OH

Chocmallows · 22/05/2019 09:41

OP give yourself a break whenever and wherever you can from doubt, guilt and similar negative thoughts. Expect a degree of feeling lost and lonely after a big change. You are doing the right thing.

If I could have gone back 3 years to myself when I was in a similar position I would honestly say it gets so much better. It was almost instantly financially better and then, emotionally, from around 9 months on it was easier. Now I don't know how I stuck it for 18 years (last 10 bad!).

You get to build a life if your choosing not his!

mcmooberry · 22/05/2019 12:31

Stay strong OP! You may think, oh these women on MN don't know his good points, I have made him out to be worse than his is, he wasn't all bad - but he was!! I don't usually comment multiple times on one thread but I am so annoyed on your behalf at how he has treated you and your boys that I find myself looking for updates!

BumbleBeee69 · 22/05/2019 14:17

hope you're okay OP. Flowers

Original poster
Reynolds1212 · 22/05/2019 21:13

Mcmoo that really does touch me that it affected you this way it helps my mental state somewhat that I'm justified in my actions.
Everyone's posts mean a lot to me. I've come home to a card and saying sorry and please forgive him and wait for it guys please wait........£40 in the card telling me to get myself something nice for the holiday lol and please forgive him and he loves me.
Right £40 is taking the piss tbh what's he think that will do win me back if anything it annoyed me even more because it's a bloody insult to me that's all I'm worth really.
I half knew this was coming because of the holiday he doesn't wanna lose the holiday for anything he feels cheated well I feel cheated of thousands mate!
I've not long got home because the kids have footy tonight so just updating I've had a better day and still no contact my end so I'm quite proud as it isn't easy sometimes

OP posts:
RandomMess · 22/05/2019 21:16

£40 yep an insult!

BumbleBeee69 · 22/05/2019 21:21

a pure insult OP .. glad you're feeling better, it's slow but remember you're a day closer to your holiday Flowers

Chocmallows · 22/05/2019 21:29

Wow £40, how considerate of him, better take him back then Hmm

You sound happier though and that's the main thing.

Have you checked if you can get WFTC? (If so look at 'help to save' scheme). Also look at Martin Lewis money saving page for financial advice. It would be good if you can rebuild after the time with him.

AhNowTed · 22/05/2019 21:39

He seriously thinks £40 quid makes up for everything.

£40 poxy quid.

Oh my fucking god.

whatthehe11 · 22/05/2019 21:40

So you're half way through the week and he leaves you £40. The cynic in me thinks he has assumed that is enough for him to be able to move back tomorrow so he's given 50%, plus a bit of a tip for his lodgings...Hmm

overdrive · 22/05/2019 21:45

£40??

I am cringing at this guy.

Send it back with a note telling him you'd rather he gave it to his ex for his kids, since you've come to realise he's been ripping them off as well as yours.

BookishKitten · 22/05/2019 21:46

If he’s living with you, then he should pay his way- split rent and running costs of the house. If he doesn’t, then he should move out.

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