MY partner is so tight with money is this normal

[Reynolds1212]

I’ve been with my parter for six years I have three children from a previous relationship. My kids don’t see their father anymore he moved away and that was it he stopped contact which upset them greatly.
Anyway my partner earns in a day what I get in Three/four days so I’m not talking a small amount here .
My house is rented I pay all the bills all the rent and food he gives me £70 a week. I have a decent job but not amazing. I’ve added up my bills and rent and food and it’s a lot I have roughly £150-200 left per month for like treats for the kids clothes etc it is a struggle sometimes esp when a unexpected bill hits me etc my boys dad pays nothing. My partner is giving me £70 per week he earns about £3000-4000 a month he’s saving he keeps saying for us for a mortgage it’s hard to trust tbh. But this week I’ve been extra short I’ve had to borrow money off my mom to get food because we had a holiday to pay off which. Was half each and my car had to have lots of repairs done I’ve told him all week I have no money he just says well what happened to my £70 lol it doesn’t got very far with all k to outgoings the house is in my name so he thinks he doesn’t have to pay half but I rented the house before we met anyway and he moved in . He got two kids he has to pay CSA for but it isn’t that much £60 a week. I’m so sick of watching him buy stuff online and get new things and I haven’t got a pot to Pee in till the end of the month. If I bring up money it all kicks off he says not his kids and that I would have to pay it all if he wasn’t here. That’s not the point if they weren’t here he would have to pay half surely ?
He doesn’t buy food or give me extra hardly ever I have to beg for an extra £10 sometimes to get stuff he thinks £70 covers the food council tax water etc and it doesn’t
He’s got a lovely car and a nice van and my cars a bit of a banger now but it’s all I can afford it doesn’t seem fair after six years.
He doesn’t buy me things on Xmas and birthday I get stuff but never in between like he wouldn’t buy me clothes or the boys clothes at all.
He’s got other nice qualities but I feel like I pay for everything and he’s living for free and has no qualms about it I’ve bought it up so many times and it causes a row till he knows I won’t bring it back up again. His kids come to stay and he pays the same I have to text him and say get them food etc because it got to a point where I was feeding them to on £70 so I make him buy their food now. Everything is half holidays days out meals he never pays and he’s got the money to pay.
It’s getting to the point where I’ve had enough I don’t want this future now I’m in my early 30’s we don’t go out much if we do granted he does pay for my food but I always end up paying the drinks or something it’s never all for free.
I asked him for a lift to the hospital the other week and he asked me for a tenner for fuel I was just gobsmacked my son was in Hosptial and he asked me for money.
I don’t know what to do is anyone else partner like this please advise

The sign of a toxic person is how great react when you stand up to them or say No.

It really is textbook tactics, he ramped up his abuse when you asked for your needs to be discussed. He thought by getting aggressive you would back down.
Then he tried tears followed by bringing his child into the situation for maximum manipulation. However his default setting is aggression.

He will blame you, tell everyone you are crazy, that you threw him out because he spent time with his children & friends. He will tell everyone he paid for everything in the house.

This man is sadly very predictable as abusive men all use the same tactics. They also are incapable of loving someone. It isn't you, many of us have fallen for similar men.

Try not to let his lies affect you, don't even give them head space. You may not be perfect but you are rational and reasonable. He is irrational, unreasonable and aggressive.

You need to keep ringing the Police, let them know you have children in the house and his threatening you all. That might initiate a quicker response. But if he comes back again do not let him in what so ever, but put all his stuff out for him.
Record every thing he says, keep all texts, emails but do not reply.

Ring DV Assist or Woman's Aid and ask for help.

As for the Police, 2 hours to attend a DV incident with children present is disgraceful, but you need to log every incident with them so you have evidence of his behaviour. Now his bullying and emotional blackmail did not work I think you will find he will become a new man that has seen the error of his ways, he will lovebomb you, promise you the earth, make grand gestures just to hook you back in. Don't fall for it.

You are took control back and he clearly does not like it. Time for you to enjoy your life with your DC away from this tosser

lifebegins50 - yes, text book stuff. Amazing how this type all follow a script.

PLEASE get your locks changed. Please just block him. Call 101 or if you have a domestic violence unit, them. Please film every room and your garden.

This is who he really is, OP, an abusive twat.

I'd actually have my phone in my pocket recording if the dad comes today.

I have heard nothing from them which is uneasy to me as to why his dad hasn't responded to my text about collection of the stuff.
I'm going to have to take the day off and sort this myself once the kids are at school tomorrow and ask someone to help me get his stuff into the car I don't want it here anyway. It will take me 2/3 journeys I reckon if he isn't there it will be going on the front garden at his dads house. I don't think he's going to just drop this easily though I'm in for a rough ride now.

I get on ok with them but they think the sun shines out of his arse so they won't be on my side. He didn't put the glass through he was punching it from inside the door it's a double glazed door. He was scary I was terrified of him yesterday. My mom is back today so I'm going to ask her to stay over tonight and go back tomorrow

Good you have your mum. Don't put yourself in danger to-ing and fro-ing with his stuff. You need back up. You are not dealing with a rational person.

Could your mum or your brother stay at the house for the day tomorrow while you go to work?

I'm not sure my brother is defo at work and my mom may do I hate worrying her though she knows we have had a row that's all I've said so far she's bringing my middle child back today at around 6 so I said you may as well stay tonight then so she agreed to stay and go back tomorrow she lives in Wales.
Hopefully his dad will msg me back and get his stuff I feel so weak I've hardly eaten and not slept. I want it all over with and I think he's doing this on purpose and I'm not contacting him because he will start again and I've blocked his number

Text his dad again and say if he doesn't reply to confirm he will be collecting the stuff tomorrow, you will be leaving it in his front garden. That way it's clear what you're doing and they can't just delay you by ignoring the message.
As for them thinking the sun shines out of his arse, that's because they don't have to bankroll him. Then it'll change.

Will his dad still think the sun shines out of his backside when he’s back living with him and paying fuck all towards the bills?!

If he does come back and kicks of dial 999 whilst he’s there do this covertly though. The police will come quicker then.

Jesus! Tell him to do one

Hope you’re ok OP. He thinks there must be someone else as clearly the sun shines out his arse and you wouldn’t leave him just because he’s a prick.

Well done OP! He may have instructed his dad not to respond to your text. You do not need to take his things to his dad's house, tell him to bring the police with him to collect his things.

Be strong, be bold and take your power back. You don't owe him anything, he owes you thousands in unpaid rent and costs of food.

Dear OP. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Please KNOW, especially after his utterly disgraceful, intimidating, aggressive behaviour to you and with children present you are absolutely doing the right thing. You cannot go back so the only way is forward. I know that sounds obvious- but a thought for when you miss the man he was supposed to be.

In the meantime, do contact the The National Centre For Domestic Violence (NCDV) for help, support and advice - links and phone number below. Also if you can't eat (maybe try toast and peanut butter) do drink lots of strong tea with a teaspoon or two of honey stirred in. Stay away from alcohol as far as possible as you need your wits about you till this is over.
www.diemlegal.co.uk/domestic-abuse-violence-charities-organisations/

Telephone: 0800 970 2070
Email: [email protected]

You are doing better than you think @Reynolds1212. 🌹

OP he is an abusive guy and stand your ground, you are doing amazing.

£70 a week wouldn’t even cover half our rent let alone all the rest.

Just imagine when he has his money together for his house- he would leave you he has been cock lodging and now realised you have cottoned on to him!

OP please just be on your guard for what might follow. He may have told his Dad not to respond to you about collecting his stuff becuase as long as his stuff is in your house he can use it as a reason to harass you and it sounds as if this is what he intends to let go. His next move may be to try and win you round be apologising, saying he will change,promising you the world etc etc. If/when he doe go down that route remember it is all lies and just a ploy - remember how he has behaved recently and in the past with the meanness and remind yourself that he will never change in the long term. He is a truly awful person.
you can spend some quality time with your kids at half term when you are off work it may help to settle you down and start moving forward as a family without him in your life.

You've been really brave so far, well done on taking the first steps to happier future for you and your kids. As soon as you've got rid of all his stuff cut all contact, he's an abusive scumbag. Good luck xx

He's probably trying to take back control by ignoring you. Maybe he thinks if he goes quiet and let's the dust settle he can charm his way back in when you've calmed down. When he realises you mean business he'll probably go mad again. Get his stuff out of your and go no contact. Good luck you're amazing 💐

Dear God Reynolds1212 you are certainly well rid of this tight fisted pillock.

I know it's scary and feels like you're facing a huge pile of shit, but it will get better as long as you stay strong. You can do this, and be free of this horrible man.

Best of luck to you

I hope you are doing well, & are taking strength from this thread.

Also I hope you’re taking strength from seeing his behaviour - which has been really unattractive, and selfish hasn’t it?

When you get to the other side of all this you’ll be so glad, because you’ll see how much you’ve been putting up with, and how much freedom you have to create your own happiness.

Who is to say he is moving in with his father permanently.

His father might just not want to get involved or have all his stuff housed in his house.

I would think he has just seen the cost of renting a 2 bed flat and how much deposit he needs and is panicking as he doesn’t want to spend any money.

Are you sure he has any savings. You mentioned that he spent a lot of money online ordering stuff and if he was saving then even £3000 per month less the money he gave you and his ex less even £1000 per month on clothes, transport and lunches would mean he was banking just short of £1500 per month each month for 6 years.

He would have £108,000. He could have bought somewhere years ago.

Either he has the money or my guess is he has between a few thousand to nothing banked because he spent/gambled/drunk or stuffed it up his nose

I hope you are doing OK @Reynolds1212 and have managed to sort everything out.
I hope you have told your mum the extent of the problems with the abusive ex so that you can get some much needed support as it will be better for you to have people know how bad it's been and what you are going through