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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

MY partner is so tight with money is this normal

871 replies

Reynolds1212 · 15/05/2019 18:46

I’ve been with my parter for six years I have three children from a previous relationship. My kids don’t see their father anymore he moved away and that was it he stopped contact which upset them greatly.
Anyway my partner earns in a day what I get in Three/four days so I’m not talking a small amount here .
My house is rented I pay all the bills all the rent and food he gives me £70 a week. I have a decent job but not amazing. I’ve added up my bills and rent and food and it’s a lot I have roughly £150-200 left per month for like treats for the kids clothes etc it is a struggle sometimes esp when a unexpected bill hits me etc my boys dad pays nothing. My partner is giving me £70 per week he earns about £3000-4000 a month he’s saving he keeps saying for us for a mortgage it’s hard to trust tbh. But this week I’ve been extra short I’ve had to borrow money off my mom to get food because we had a holiday to pay off which. Was half each and my car had to have lots of repairs done I’ve told him all week I have no money he just says well what happened to my £70 lol it doesn’t got very far with all k to outgoings the house is in my name so he thinks he doesn’t have to pay half but I rented the house before we met anyway and he moved in . He got two kids he has to pay CSA for but it isn’t that much £60 a week. I’m so sick of watching him buy stuff online and get new things and I haven’t got a pot to Pee in till the end of the month. If I bring up money it all kicks off he says not his kids and that I would have to pay it all if he wasn’t here. That’s not the point if they weren’t here he would have to pay half surely ?
He doesn’t buy food or give me extra hardly ever I have to beg for an extra £10 sometimes to get stuff he thinks £70 covers the food council tax water etc and it doesn’t
He’s got a lovely car and a nice van and my cars a bit of a banger now but it’s all I can afford it doesn’t seem fair after six years.
He doesn’t buy me things on Xmas and birthday I get stuff but never in between like he wouldn’t buy me clothes or the boys clothes at all.
He’s got other nice qualities but I feel like I pay for everything and he’s living for free and has no qualms about it I’ve bought it up so many times and it causes a row till he knows I won’t bring it back up again. His kids come to stay and he pays the same I have to text him and say get them food etc because it got to a point where I was feeding them to on £70 so I make him buy their food now. Everything is half holidays days out meals he never pays and he’s got the money to pay.
It’s getting to the point where I’ve had enough I don’t want this future now I’m in my early 30’s we don’t go out much if we do granted he does pay for my food but I always end up paying the drinks or something it’s never all for free.
I asked him for a lift to the hospital the other week and he asked me for a tenner for fuel I was just gobsmacked my son was in Hosptial and he asked me for money.
I don’t know what to do is anyone else partner like this please advise

OP posts:
7yo7yo · 18/05/2019 22:32

Hope your ok op.

BumbleBeee69 · 18/05/2019 23:43

jeepers OP, well done for kicking ass, I do hope you're okay lady Flowers

focus on that holiday for you and your kids. Flowers

AhNowTed · 19/05/2019 00:50

Hope you're OK OP.

Rooting for you Thanks

Onescaredmuma · 19/05/2019 06:32

Just wanted to say hope your OK op. I hope you managed to get some sleep last night and are starting to feel a little better. Flowers

Treacletoots · 19/05/2019 07:18

100% behind you. Keep going. So many have been where you are and we never regretted it.

squiglet111 · 19/05/2019 08:29

Hope you're ok OP

IronManisnotDead · 19/05/2019 08:33

I am proud of you @Reynolds1212 you have done the hardest part, keep in control and do not engage with him. You rock Thanks

SAHMlikeitHOT · 19/05/2019 09:25

Just wanted to send kind thoughts your way - hoping this next week will be the start of a new and happy stage in your life

Ogham · 19/05/2019 10:28

Wow you’re amazing! I’ve only read your post today and I’m in awe of how strong you are. He will never see your side if things because he sounds like a complete narcissist. Stay strong 🤗

Original poster
Reynolds1212 · 19/05/2019 11:14

Hi I'm sorry I didn't reply he came here yesterday with one of his children crying at the door...his child was there too staring at me asking why I'm doing this why am I being so horrible etc I didn't know what to say or do he was outside when I got home in his car . He started twisting everything to make it my fault saying we love each other don't we all tears in his eyes asking why I'm doing this to him.
I let him in to get his stuff as he seemed ok and he started kicking off and I had to ring the police he still didn't leave for a long time and started calling his family saying I wouldn't let him take his stuff it wasn't that he wasn't calm I wanted him out the house he switched so fast . I said you can get your stuff when your calm he wasn't having it he was like a raging bull pacing up and down I'm not going to lie I was so scared. Because he wasn't getting his way when I said it was over he went ballistic I've never seen him that bad. In the end after his child was crying their eyes out he left it took ages felt like forever and the police came two hours later and I rang 999 as well can't believe they took so long to come. He was punching the glass through on the back door and shouting like an animal he's six foot and a big guy I was shaking like a leaf when he left. They took a statement and said they will talk to him I don't think anything will come of it though. I haven't eaten again I can't eat I can't think straight

OP posts:
fedup21 · 19/05/2019 11:19

Christ-you poor thing. I didn’t think he’d let his cash cow go quietly.

What made him go in the end? I presume the police didn’t come until after he’d left? Has he got to come back and get his stuff?

He sounds like a manipulative bully who is refusing to accept he did anything wrong.

You’re doing well.

whatthehe11 · 19/05/2019 11:28

His behaviour is shocking and made even worse by the fact that he clearly thinks it is ok to expose his own child to that sort of behaviour. He is definitely showing his true colours and you're better off away from him.

carriemeeber · 19/05/2019 11:34

You’re doing really well and being so brave, OP—I’ve been lurking on this thread for days, willing you the strength to get this disgusting tight cocklodger out of your life. That he brought his child along to try to emotionally blackmail you into backing down says it all—one of the kids he refuses to support properly. Keep going, all of Mumsnet are behind you! Hope the police step up.

CaptainJaneway62 · 19/05/2019 11:34

This is him showing his true colours and he is going ballistic because you have now seen him for who he is.
He is a nasty evil man.
Ring 101 now and ask to speak to the Domestic Violence Officer and don't let this go. Tell them everything and they should come and see you.
They will caution him and should put a mark on your house.

In the meantime can you get your brother or your mum to come and stay with you for some support?

I know the shaking and fall apart feeling is really awful.
You should go to the GP and get some diazepam to calm you down in the short term. Flowers

nettie434 · 19/05/2019 11:35

Reynolds1212 How terrifying. If you or anyone ever had doubts about your decision, then that behaviour just shows you were right. Hope you have as peaceful a day as possible. You are being brilliant, even though you are shaking.

Clutterbugsmum · 19/05/2019 11:37

I glad he's gone, and you are Ok. It's sad that his child had to see their dad behaving like that, but at least they now know why you made him leave.

Hopefully his EX will think twice about letting him see his children after them witnessing his bully abusive behaviour.

Original poster
Reynolds1212 · 19/05/2019 11:37

They came two hours later I'm sorry the kids were there but also glad because if they wasn't who knows what would of happened. He only left when he rang a family member saying she's rang the police and they must of told him to leave the house and also his child was crying I kept calm the whole time whilst shaking like a leaf inside shit scared

OP posts:
Auntpetunia2015 · 19/05/2019 11:40

Call the domestic violence team via 101 and tell them everything including that a child was present and saw this behaviour. Also mention the 2 hours it took them to come. I believe they will then put a marker on your a dress which should make the police come quicker if you call again.

You’ve done so well. This is the real him.. get a friend from work to drop his stuff off for you when they change the locks. Keep safe. Your boys will thank for freeing them of this horrible man.

CaptainJaneway62 · 19/05/2019 11:41

Please do not let him in the house again...this is when you are in serious danger of being really physically hurt!
Every time he turns up at the house ring the Police.
You have got to be protective of yourself because he is definitely capable of seriously hurting you.
Put all his stuff outside and don't let him in to get his tools unless the Police are present.

19lottie82 · 19/05/2019 11:42

That sounds horrendous but hopefully the police will have told him to stay away.
Do you have a friend who can come and sit with you today? And also maybe to liaise with him so he can pick up the rest of his stuff when you’re not there? Or maybe the police will be able to assist with that.

squiglet111 · 19/05/2019 11:42

Sorry he put you though that. I hope you're okFlowers He's obviously panicking cos he'll have to start paying his own way. Boohoo! He's probably also realised he can't go on the holiday so he's trying to worm his way back in. No doubt he would go back to normal after the holiday once he knows he's not lost his money. Make sure you don't fall for it!

So proud of you for sticking to your guns and making it clear to him that it was over. What a bastard he is acting that way and in front of his poor child too. His child must have been terrified too. Were your kids about? He's only throwing his toys out the pram cos his meal ticket is over.

RandomMess · 19/05/2019 11:43

Thanks well done you were awesome!!

How low he stopped, intimidating you, bringing his child for maximise emotional blackmail, crocodile tears After saying how useless you are - following the script to a T!

KOKO and don't let the police let it drop speak to DV team and get your home flagged.

Oliversmumsarmy · 19/05/2019 11:43

the police came two hours later and I rang 999 as well can't believe they took so long to come

You are lucky they actually came.

I hate to say this but I wouldn’t rely too heavily on the police to protect you.
Friend has an injunction out on her Ex and as far as the police are concerned it doesnt mean anything. They make excuse after excuse and say it is one word against another.

The only thing I can suggest is to talk to someone in a dv unit/women’s aid and have them organise the police to be there when he collects his stuff.

Oliversmumsarmy · 19/05/2019 11:47

They make excuse after excuse and say it is one word against another.

Should have said even though they have video evidence.

They said it could have been scripted like she and ex were rehearsing for a play.

squiglet111 · 19/05/2019 11:47

Sorry just read your second post where you said your kids were there too.

What a prick! Bet his dad doesn't want him to move back so he'd have to find somewhere to pay his own rent! One can old hope!

In the time he was at yours did he at least admit he was wrong and didn't pay enough? Or was it much of the same lines?