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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

MY partner is so tight with money is this normal

871 replies

Reynolds1212 · 15/05/2019 18:46

I’ve been with my parter for six years I have three children from a previous relationship. My kids don’t see their father anymore he moved away and that was it he stopped contact which upset them greatly.
Anyway my partner earns in a day what I get in Three/four days so I’m not talking a small amount here .
My house is rented I pay all the bills all the rent and food he gives me £70 a week. I have a decent job but not amazing. I’ve added up my bills and rent and food and it’s a lot I have roughly £150-200 left per month for like treats for the kids clothes etc it is a struggle sometimes esp when a unexpected bill hits me etc my boys dad pays nothing. My partner is giving me £70 per week he earns about £3000-4000 a month he’s saving he keeps saying for us for a mortgage it’s hard to trust tbh. But this week I’ve been extra short I’ve had to borrow money off my mom to get food because we had a holiday to pay off which. Was half each and my car had to have lots of repairs done I’ve told him all week I have no money he just says well what happened to my £70 lol it doesn’t got very far with all k to outgoings the house is in my name so he thinks he doesn’t have to pay half but I rented the house before we met anyway and he moved in . He got two kids he has to pay CSA for but it isn’t that much £60 a week. I’m so sick of watching him buy stuff online and get new things and I haven’t got a pot to Pee in till the end of the month. If I bring up money it all kicks off he says not his kids and that I would have to pay it all if he wasn’t here. That’s not the point if they weren’t here he would have to pay half surely ?
He doesn’t buy food or give me extra hardly ever I have to beg for an extra £10 sometimes to get stuff he thinks £70 covers the food council tax water etc and it doesn’t
He’s got a lovely car and a nice van and my cars a bit of a banger now but it’s all I can afford it doesn’t seem fair after six years.
He doesn’t buy me things on Xmas and birthday I get stuff but never in between like he wouldn’t buy me clothes or the boys clothes at all.
He’s got other nice qualities but I feel like I pay for everything and he’s living for free and has no qualms about it I’ve bought it up so many times and it causes a row till he knows I won’t bring it back up again. His kids come to stay and he pays the same I have to text him and say get them food etc because it got to a point where I was feeding them to on £70 so I make him buy their food now. Everything is half holidays days out meals he never pays and he’s got the money to pay.
It’s getting to the point where I’ve had enough I don’t want this future now I’m in my early 30’s we don’t go out much if we do granted he does pay for my food but I always end up paying the drinks or something it’s never all for free.
I asked him for a lift to the hospital the other week and he asked me for a tenner for fuel I was just gobsmacked my son was in Hosptial and he asked me for money.
I don’t know what to do is anyone else partner like this please advise

OP posts:

OhamIreally · 18/05/2019 08:35

What a 24 hours you have had. What a brilliant strong example you have shown your sons.
You can move forward with a great life for your family now.
Within a couple of months if not sooner you will see clearly how much better off you are emotionally and financially.

I bet £70 barely covered his food!

Hope you enjoy the party. Use your back door - and that poster's idea of the note stuck on your door in case he tries getting a locksmith is genius.

NotStayingIn · 18/05/2019 08:42

Morning OP, hope you managed to get some sleep. You've been so strong it's incredible. Really well done on starting to get this loser out of your life. Ignore all the crap he will sprout, you are so doing the right thing. Stay strong, you've got this!

ittooshallpass · 18/05/2019 08:46

Hope you're ok this morning OP. It can be tough when the adrenaline wears off, but you've done the best thing for you and your children.

Today is day 1 of getting back on track.

Onescaredmuma · 18/05/2019 09:03

OP I've just read all your posts I nearly cheered out loud when I read you threw him out! His reaction says it all it was designed to cause you fear and put you in your place.
Your one strong lady be proud of yourself life is about to get a whole lot better for you and your DCs good luck to you all.

PompeyBez · 18/05/2019 09:12

How are you doing this morning, OP?

Auntpetunia2015 · 18/05/2019 09:15

Hope you slept. Today is the first day of your new life..don’t let him drag you down. You’ve done the right thing for you and your DS. They don’t need such an arsehole as a role model by kicking him out you are teaching them how woman should be treated

Cloudyapples · 18/05/2019 09:21

You’ve made the right decision op - his texts about finding someone better are more his fears not reality. You WILL find someone who deserves you, he is just panicking as he realises his freeloading days are over. Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life!

jay55 · 18/05/2019 09:22

Another one cheering you on.
Those stomach pains will go and you'll feel a whole lot of relief once things settle down.
Well done.

Foxmuffin · 18/05/2019 09:25

Hope you’re doing ok this morning OP x

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 18/05/2019 09:33

Have just caught up with this thread - I'm raging at the vile cocklodger! he's super pissed off now his sugar mummy has seen the light!

Very proud of you, OP! I know you'll feel a huge range of emotions now. Let them happen, let them wash over you - all normal. Stay strong and DO NOT let the scummy little twat gaslight you into taking him back. His ranting that it's all about his going out is deflection from the real issue - he knows you're finally onto him.

Think on - when he looks at you - he doesn't see YOU. He sees ££££ staying in his pocket.

Qweenbee · 18/05/2019 09:36

Well done you. Going forward try not to react to his goading. He will be desperate to goad you into getting angry. Try to be calm and broken record if you can.

Don't feel guilty about his kids missing their holiday. He can take them on another one with all your kids money his savings.

GabsAlot · 18/05/2019 09:39

Hope youre ok this morning op

thethoughtfox · 18/05/2019 09:59

Him asking for petrol money to take your sick child to hospital proves he doesn't care about you or your children. Please hold on to this thought.

Original poster

Reynolds1212 · 18/05/2019 10:23

Hi guys I did sleep thankfully still have a stomach ache which is odd I didn't eat much yesterday which could be the reason and I feel like a truck ran me over this morning.
Feel a little lost and Weird have to keep thinking about the spitefullness like last night was a prime example when j asked if we can go and he said no so left me and the lads in the house just plain mean and not the first time.
So he thinks it's that it's not that it's him and the nasty shit he does saying I'm controlling it's not about that at all it's the nastiness.
You guys understand that he can't. I have to try and eat today that is the main thing the party's at 2 will try and get through that he didn't come his bags still in the entry he's quiet that won't last

OP posts:

bringbacksideburns · 18/05/2019 10:23

He'll be panicking now wondering how to survive on £70 a week. He's going to get the shock of his life.

You don't need to enter into any dialogue.
Keep him blocked on everything.

Ask your brother if he can help getting all his tools back to him and bag the rest of his stuff. Do you know anyone with a van? Focus on the practical.

He probably won't let this go easily as it's six years of him acting like a teenager paying no bills.

You will be much better off financially and emotionally. Make sure you have claimed for everything you are entitled to.

Just keep thinking however tough it gets:

No more of your kids being sidelined or ignored
No more having to pay for him
No more being taken the piss out of

And with all the money you save on food etc put it aside and spend on your family.

He's wrong. You can do better

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 18/05/2019 10:30

Good morning. Yes the stomach thing is not eating and the alcohol.
Try not to focus on his replies or lack of. He's busy thinking of ways to backtrack and keep his freeloading life in your home. He's toxic to your family. Stay strong.

squiglet111 · 18/05/2019 10:34

Glad you got some sleep.

Busy yourself with packing up his shit and start think about sorting the council tax discount and any universal credit you might be entitled too. Oh and if you have netflix or anything else that he might use.... Change those passwords!

I bet his dad will change him more now anyway! Inflation and all that. I wonder how long it will be before he tries to worm his way back?!

nettie434 · 18/05/2019 10:35

Glad you have got the party - it is good to have something that is about you relaxing and enjoying yourself. Echoing what Bringbacksideburns said.

squiglet111 · 18/05/2019 10:35

Also, was thinking about your holiday situation. I think you should go without him and just take your kids. He's got the money to book something else, you don't. Think of it as payment for all the years he's taken you for a mug. He's owes you! What is the holiday by the way? Is it abroad? In a hotel or other accommodation?

squiglet111 · 18/05/2019 10:38

I meant to say, hope his dad will charge him more... Not change him!

wildhairdontcare · 18/05/2019 10:40

You need a list:

Change locks
Remove him from holiday
Remove him from rent/council tax
Call tax credits

Keep some of his financial paperwork and share with his ex to help her with maintenance!

mcmooberry · 18/05/2019 10:43

Stand firm OP! Please don't cave in now! Maybe in the weeks and months ahead you might be feeling lonely and the slog of having 3 children and no other adults in the house may feel overwhelming but it's still better than having that man who seemed to feel nothing for your children in your life. Am sorry you met him and not a decent man who would have treated you like part of his family and whose family would also have welcomed you all. These men are out there, just give it time and concentrate on you and raising your boys to be decent human beings i.e. nothing like him. xx

springydaff · 18/05/2019 11:06

Listen to mcmooberry xx

Original poster

Reynolds1212 · 18/05/2019 11:07

It's ok I'm still mad I'm thinking about when I ask for help and he doesn't give it to me when he lets me go to my family for money and he has it to give to me. He's a vile bastard I don't care if I have to live on beans on toast because anything is better than watching him saving all his money and leaving me with nothing and telling me to buy this and that lol and he doesn't get one thing.

OP posts:

RantyAnty · 18/05/2019 11:09

I lept out of my chair and cheered when I saw you threw the cheap arse abusive bastard out!

I hope you do enjoy the party. Get yourself a nice herbal tea and some crackers for your stomach. Try to close your eyes and take a few nice slow deep breaths when you're feeling anxious.

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