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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

MY partner is so tight with money is this normal

871 replies

Reynolds1212 · 15/05/2019 18:46

I’ve been with my parter for six years I have three children from a previous relationship. My kids don’t see their father anymore he moved away and that was it he stopped contact which upset them greatly.
Anyway my partner earns in a day what I get in Three/four days so I’m not talking a small amount here .
My house is rented I pay all the bills all the rent and food he gives me £70 a week. I have a decent job but not amazing. I’ve added up my bills and rent and food and it’s a lot I have roughly £150-200 left per month for like treats for the kids clothes etc it is a struggle sometimes esp when a unexpected bill hits me etc my boys dad pays nothing. My partner is giving me £70 per week he earns about £3000-4000 a month he’s saving he keeps saying for us for a mortgage it’s hard to trust tbh. But this week I’ve been extra short I’ve had to borrow money off my mom to get food because we had a holiday to pay off which. Was half each and my car had to have lots of repairs done I’ve told him all week I have no money he just says well what happened to my £70 lol it doesn’t got very far with all k to outgoings the house is in my name so he thinks he doesn’t have to pay half but I rented the house before we met anyway and he moved in . He got two kids he has to pay CSA for but it isn’t that much £60 a week. I’m so sick of watching him buy stuff online and get new things and I haven’t got a pot to Pee in till the end of the month. If I bring up money it all kicks off he says not his kids and that I would have to pay it all if he wasn’t here. That’s not the point if they weren’t here he would have to pay half surely ?
He doesn’t buy food or give me extra hardly ever I have to beg for an extra £10 sometimes to get stuff he thinks £70 covers the food council tax water etc and it doesn’t
He’s got a lovely car and a nice van and my cars a bit of a banger now but it’s all I can afford it doesn’t seem fair after six years.
He doesn’t buy me things on Xmas and birthday I get stuff but never in between like he wouldn’t buy me clothes or the boys clothes at all.
He’s got other nice qualities but I feel like I pay for everything and he’s living for free and has no qualms about it I’ve bought it up so many times and it causes a row till he knows I won’t bring it back up again. His kids come to stay and he pays the same I have to text him and say get them food etc because it got to a point where I was feeding them to on £70 so I make him buy their food now. Everything is half holidays days out meals he never pays and he’s got the money to pay.
It’s getting to the point where I’ve had enough I don’t want this future now I’m in my early 30’s we don’t go out much if we do granted he does pay for my food but I always end up paying the drinks or something it’s never all for free.
I asked him for a lift to the hospital the other week and he asked me for a tenner for fuel I was just gobsmacked my son was in Hosptial and he asked me for money.
I don’t know what to do is anyone else partner like this please advise

OP posts:
Original poster
Reynolds1212 · 17/05/2019 22:51

He was pushing his head up like boxers do before a fight and shouting and spitting at me he was so angry because the truth was coming out I think I never would of said what I said if I hadn't posted on here you released the beast in me thinking fuck this is bad it must be bad because of the reaction on here and I've been ignorant to it

OP posts:
Treaclesweet · 17/05/2019 22:53

Don't hate on yourself, you've done such an amazing and brave thing. I hope you get some sleep Flowers CakeWine

Original poster
Reynolds1212 · 17/05/2019 22:53

He hasn't actually threatened me or anything I don't think thenpolice will do much I think he's gone to his dads tonight with the kids as he got spare rooms he would of gone there for sure

OP posts:
Weenurse · 17/05/2019 22:54

Get sme rest💐

Treaclesweet · 17/05/2019 22:56

Cross posted with you. He obviously doesn't like to hear the truth about himself! That must have been propa scary, so much respect to you for breaking free.

Lorddenning1 · 17/05/2019 23:02

If you feel at rock bottom, the only way is up from there, I can't wait to see how u are in a couple of months time when u have dealt with it more and gotten stronger :)

longtimelurkerhelen · 17/05/2019 23:03

Of course you are anxious, it would be weird if you weren't. You have a lot of adrenaline going round your body, that makes you shake. Have a good cry, it will make you feel better.

If you have any peppermint tea, make some, it's good for calming you down and will settle your stomach.

You are not stupid, I'm sure his behaviour has become worse over time and you don't notice it until you have a moment of clarity, then you start to think, how did I not see this before. You are not stupid.

Flowers
Original poster
Reynolds1212 · 17/05/2019 23:04

Ok going to try and sleep now I have got a party I was invited to tomorrow I wasn't going to go but I think I will now with the kids so that's something to do for the day
Night everyone thanks so much

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 17/05/2019 23:04

Oh lovely! Don't do yourself down! You're a strong, capable, amazing woman! You've had the blinkers pulled from your eyes. People like him target people like you because you're loving, giving and kind hearted. You have given your boys an excellent example of how strong their mum is, an example of how not to behave. I'd not be at all surprised if they were glad he's gone. You WILL rebuild, you WILL have a much happier life. There's lots of help and support out there for women like you. There are a ton of resources. Freedom Programme is a must. You will be financially better off and that is something you can address next week. Lots to consider. Keep posting and talking. Try and get some sleep tonight though, be strong for tomorrow. You CAN do this! Flowers

Charley50 · 17/05/2019 23:06

You're doing brilliantly OP. Respect to you. I hope you can get some sleep tonight. Don't let him in your home again without another adult with you please.

Original poster
Reynolds1212 · 17/05/2019 23:09

Thanks so much you are so kind to me I'm really grateful and people I haven't met care about me to post a message to me I'm so overwhelmed with the support I've had on here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Reynolds1212 · 17/05/2019 23:09

Thanks so much you are so kind to me I'm really grateful and people I haven't met care about me to post a message to me I'm so overwhelmed with the support I've had on here.

OP posts:
Grainedmonkey · 17/05/2019 23:14

Op you think you've got no confidence or self worth left but just look - you are doing something really brave and positive to improve life for you and the kids, you should be proud of yourself.
He is a bully, pressing heads without actually headbutting so he can say there was no physical abuse, its a strategy to undermine you and put you down. As long as you realise this it can't hurt you.
Try and calm yourself, do you have a TV in your bedroom, put something rubbishy on to distract you.

GorkyMcPorky · 17/05/2019 23:15

Well done OP. I'm assuming he also has his own DCs to stay at yours too. Fucking cheeky bastard. Keep string and before you know it you'll be free and better off.

Starlight456 · 17/05/2019 23:21

Op if you haven’t yet . Turn your phone off. Otherwise you will lie all night waiting for that ping .

Auntpetunia2015 · 17/05/2019 23:23

Hope you sleep at least a little. If not take some quiet time to make a plan. Check out your entitlement to tax credits or universal credit whatever it’s called now. Apply for your council tax as a single person all can be done on line. Just seeing those figures of what you’re entitled to without him will give you strength. Good luck.

C0untDucku1a · 17/05/2019 23:26

What a dick he is

PickAChew · 17/05/2019 23:33

Another one to sort out - if his income took you above the child benefit threshold, you'll be entitled, now.

squiglet111 · 17/05/2019 23:40

He's only sending you text message abuse cos his meal ticket is over and he's starting to realise you are serious. Just ignore it. He's losing here, not you. So no matter what he says, he's only doing it to get control back. You've taken control and can no longer be told how to feel and think. You are 100% better off. In time you will definitely feel better and realise what a drain he has been on you.

Remember, you are doing the right thing. Well done. Hope you manage to get some sleep Flowers

Happynow001 · 18/05/2019 00:05

Reynolds1212
You cannot undo the past few years - nobody can. But you have your self respect, you are stronger and seeing more clearly in this moment than you have for years (something which can take people many, many years so be a little proud of yourself).

You are making plans for the more purposeful, focused you with your children, which will mean a more relaxed, happier and emotionally more secure future for yourself and your children.

Please don't beat yourself up for things you can't change: be proud that you knew things couldn't go on anymore the way they were, and asked for help. Do you know how hard it can be to ask for help and then to follow through with the right action? It is hard!

You will do well because you will never let someone into your heart and home again who will treat you and your children this way.

Good luck OP. 🌹

LordNibbler · 18/05/2019 00:55

Well said Happynow001

RandomMess · 18/05/2019 07:37

I hope you had a peaceful night and managed to sleep Flowers

stucknoue · 18/05/2019 07:42

Does he have a secret gambling addiction or debts? It's beyond mean what you are describing, wondering if there's a back story

Lordamighty · 18/05/2019 08:15

Well he will be annoyed this morning, his cheap board & lodging deal has come to an end & he may have to start paying his way.
Him & his dad sound like ideal housemates, they can reuse teabags & argue over whose turn it is to buy the toilet paper.

squiglet111 · 18/05/2019 08:23

How are you this morning op?