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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

MY partner is so tight with money is this normal

871 replies

Reynolds1212 · 15/05/2019 18:46

I’ve been with my parter for six years I have three children from a previous relationship. My kids don’t see their father anymore he moved away and that was it he stopped contact which upset them greatly.
Anyway my partner earns in a day what I get in Three/four days so I’m not talking a small amount here .
My house is rented I pay all the bills all the rent and food he gives me £70 a week. I have a decent job but not amazing. I’ve added up my bills and rent and food and it’s a lot I have roughly £150-200 left per month for like treats for the kids clothes etc it is a struggle sometimes esp when a unexpected bill hits me etc my boys dad pays nothing. My partner is giving me £70 per week he earns about £3000-4000 a month he’s saving he keeps saying for us for a mortgage it’s hard to trust tbh. But this week I’ve been extra short I’ve had to borrow money off my mom to get food because we had a holiday to pay off which. Was half each and my car had to have lots of repairs done I’ve told him all week I have no money he just says well what happened to my £70 lol it doesn’t got very far with all k to outgoings the house is in my name so he thinks he doesn’t have to pay half but I rented the house before we met anyway and he moved in . He got two kids he has to pay CSA for but it isn’t that much £60 a week. I’m so sick of watching him buy stuff online and get new things and I haven’t got a pot to Pee in till the end of the month. If I bring up money it all kicks off he says not his kids and that I would have to pay it all if he wasn’t here. That’s not the point if they weren’t here he would have to pay half surely ?
He doesn’t buy food or give me extra hardly ever I have to beg for an extra £10 sometimes to get stuff he thinks £70 covers the food council tax water etc and it doesn’t
He’s got a lovely car and a nice van and my cars a bit of a banger now but it’s all I can afford it doesn’t seem fair after six years.
He doesn’t buy me things on Xmas and birthday I get stuff but never in between like he wouldn’t buy me clothes or the boys clothes at all.
He’s got other nice qualities but I feel like I pay for everything and he’s living for free and has no qualms about it I’ve bought it up so many times and it causes a row till he knows I won’t bring it back up again. His kids come to stay and he pays the same I have to text him and say get them food etc because it got to a point where I was feeding them to on £70 so I make him buy their food now. Everything is half holidays days out meals he never pays and he’s got the money to pay.
It’s getting to the point where I’ve had enough I don’t want this future now I’m in my early 30’s we don’t go out much if we do granted he does pay for my food but I always end up paying the drinks or something it’s never all for free.
I asked him for a lift to the hospital the other week and he asked me for a tenner for fuel I was just gobsmacked my son was in Hosptial and he asked me for money.
I don’t know what to do is anyone else partner like this please advise

OP posts:
QueenOfTheKibble · 17/05/2019 20:49

Yes, definitely get away if you can .. can you afford to change the locks before you go?

elsabadogigante · 17/05/2019 20:50

If you go away please make sure your home is secure/change the locks barrels.

Heymummee · 17/05/2019 20:50

You’re absolutely doing the right thing.

Don’t let him manipulate you into thinking you’re in the wrong.

Good for you. Enjoy your drink. Pack his shit, get him out of your life.

If you feel like going away will help, go for it. Are you able to change the locks?

JammyGem · 17/05/2019 20:54

I've been reading your posts but haven't commented before now. I just wanted to say that you are a super strong woman and I'm glad you've got rid of that prick.

Go to your family if you feel you need their support, but please consider changing the locks before you go, so that he can't cause problems while you're away. I'd also suggest blocking him so that you don't have to deal with his vile messages for the moment.

overdrive · 17/05/2019 20:54

Ignore all his messages OP. That is the worse thing you can do to an ego like that.

MorrisZapp · 17/05/2019 21:04

How did a man with no bond with your kids come to be living in your house? I feel absolutely heart sorry for them.

fedup21 · 17/05/2019 21:24

I actually wouldn’t go to your brother’s this weekend. I’d want to make sure this tosser is well and truly out of your life and the locks are changed. He’s trying to make you think you’re being unreasonable-don’t give him a chance.

GabsAlot · 17/05/2019 21:27

I wouldnt go away has he a key he might just let himself back in

You need to change the locks at least and id let the police know that hes not to be let in incase he calls them

TheFormidableMrsC · 17/05/2019 21:36

I have to admit, while the temptation to go to your brother's is huge and I'd want to do the same, I think I'd rather see an end to this sooner rather than later. In the mood he's in, you have no idea what he might do. Is there anybody who could be there while he removes his tools? Are they in a garage that can be accessed separately or can you get them all outside and say "please collect now". I'd use this weekend to draw a massive line under this if you can. Keep on keeping on, you're doing grand!

Likeamobvie · 17/05/2019 21:43

I'm so sorry it's come to this op. Put yourself and your kids first now, do whatever you need to for yourself.

TheFormidableMrsC · 17/05/2019 21:46

@GabsAlot That crossed my mind too actually. OP, I would inform the police that this is a potential domestic just in case he tries anything. No harm in recording it at 101 and covering yourself.

Grainedmonkey · 17/05/2019 21:47

How much of his stuff is there OP. If you know where his Dad lives could you fit it all in your car and dump it all outside? Then once its gone its gone.

Starlight456 · 17/05/2019 21:49

I agree change the locks it is apparently very easy to do . Sure your fb can help.

Your quality of life is going bro improve.

I realised with my abusive ex . Responding to his irrational rants just provoked him further no matter how I responded. Expect a change of tactics

ThatCurlyGirl · 17/05/2019 21:49

Get you angry not sad.

Get him out not in.

Get you happy happy happy.

You can do this ThanksThanksThanks

Troels · 17/05/2019 21:51

I wouldn't leave while he has a key, change the locks first thing in the morning, it's cheap to do it yourself look on you tube.
Also my sisters ex had a locksmith come and let him in while she was at work. so watch out. maybe stick a note in big letters on the inside of the door (if it's clear glass) xx lives her, do not open or change locks without persmission from xx call this number is asked to do so.

Treaclesweet · 17/05/2019 21:56

Definitely change locks before you go away. Maybe have your brother stay with you instead if it's possible?
Don't let the fucker mess with your head, you are absolutely doing the right thing. Speak to him only about him getting his stuff out don't get into it about your relationship now, you've made your mind up.

Original poster
Reynolds1212 · 17/05/2019 22:12

I blocked him on WhatsApp because of the manipulation I was trying to explain it wasn't about tonight but then I realize you can talk to stupid and I'm wasting time. So I blocked him he then moved to text msg which I've also blanked got the kids to bed I'm in bed now worrying sick I'm not going tomorrow I don't think it's wise

OP posts:
BambooB · 17/05/2019 22:13

Deadweight thats taking the piss out of you.

category12 · 17/05/2019 22:13

Be prepared to call the cops if he turns up shitfaced tonight.

And get those locks changed soon as.

Lorddenning1 · 17/05/2019 22:17

We are all here for you OP

Original poster
Reynolds1212 · 17/05/2019 22:17

The locks won't be a problem as where i Work it can take care of that for free for me. But not until Monday when I go in now I don't think but I can sort that out easily I just can't leave the house much now but I have a back key he doesn't and I can lock from the front and leave the key inside and go out the back way. His tools I can't lift some of them heavy equipment very heavy he will have to get those himself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Reynolds1212 · 17/05/2019 22:19

He keeps texting about go ahead meet someone better then me if u think you can and don't worry I'm fucking gone can't even have a life with u or see my mates etc etc
He's honestly thick but also clever at the same time

OP posts:
Original poster
Reynolds1212 · 17/05/2019 22:22

He really stresses me out badly my hearts racing. I'm in bed and can't rest I don't think I will sleep much I've been vaping but went to get cigarettes earlier so I'm pissed off that I've now smoked aswell and not just one I've had like five in a row now and I've been given up for over two weeks. He never going to change this is my life forever if I let him back and I can't my life is pretty dire right now and unhappy

OP posts:
ThatCurlyGirl · 17/05/2019 22:25

Deep breaths my love.

Can you brother come to stay instead if you leaving at all?

I think this would be really helpful. And his behaviour is escalating because he's realising that you're serious this time so he's panicking.

This is the worst bit I'm not going to pretend otherwise, but it's the bit you have to do to get to the tough bit.

Get as much support as you can, ask people for help, say yes to favours etc

Can you brother come stay for a couple of nights?

ThanksThanksThanks

Lorddenning1 · 17/05/2019 22:25

It's will get better, how can it not do, this perilous is going to be tough, not going to lie, but it's going to be so worth it.
He is trying to manipulate you, asking you to find someone better that him, haha yeah right that's not going to be too hard