Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

MY partner is so tight with money is this normal

871 replies

Reynolds1212 · 15/05/2019 18:46

I’ve been with my parter for six years I have three children from a previous relationship. My kids don’t see their father anymore he moved away and that was it he stopped contact which upset them greatly.
Anyway my partner earns in a day what I get in Three/four days so I’m not talking a small amount here .
My house is rented I pay all the bills all the rent and food he gives me £70 a week. I have a decent job but not amazing. I’ve added up my bills and rent and food and it’s a lot I have roughly £150-200 left per month for like treats for the kids clothes etc it is a struggle sometimes esp when a unexpected bill hits me etc my boys dad pays nothing. My partner is giving me £70 per week he earns about £3000-4000 a month he’s saving he keeps saying for us for a mortgage it’s hard to trust tbh. But this week I’ve been extra short I’ve had to borrow money off my mom to get food because we had a holiday to pay off which. Was half each and my car had to have lots of repairs done I’ve told him all week I have no money he just says well what happened to my £70 lol it doesn’t got very far with all k to outgoings the house is in my name so he thinks he doesn’t have to pay half but I rented the house before we met anyway and he moved in . He got two kids he has to pay CSA for but it isn’t that much £60 a week. I’m so sick of watching him buy stuff online and get new things and I haven’t got a pot to Pee in till the end of the month. If I bring up money it all kicks off he says not his kids and that I would have to pay it all if he wasn’t here. That’s not the point if they weren’t here he would have to pay half surely ?
He doesn’t buy food or give me extra hardly ever I have to beg for an extra £10 sometimes to get stuff he thinks £70 covers the food council tax water etc and it doesn’t
He’s got a lovely car and a nice van and my cars a bit of a banger now but it’s all I can afford it doesn’t seem fair after six years.
He doesn’t buy me things on Xmas and birthday I get stuff but never in between like he wouldn’t buy me clothes or the boys clothes at all.
He’s got other nice qualities but I feel like I pay for everything and he’s living for free and has no qualms about it I’ve bought it up so many times and it causes a row till he knows I won’t bring it back up again. His kids come to stay and he pays the same I have to text him and say get them food etc because it got to a point where I was feeding them to on £70 so I make him buy their food now. Everything is half holidays days out meals he never pays and he’s got the money to pay.
It’s getting to the point where I’ve had enough I don’t want this future now I’m in my early 30’s we don’t go out much if we do granted he does pay for my food but I always end up paying the drinks or something it’s never all for free.
I asked him for a lift to the hospital the other week and he asked me for a tenner for fuel I was just gobsmacked my son was in Hosptial and he asked me for money.
I don’t know what to do is anyone else partner like this please advise

OP posts:
Original poster
Reynolds1212 · 17/05/2019 10:57

Random I think what you said is the best thing to say to him because it's only the truth and I have to think of the future.

OP posts:
Chocmallows · 17/05/2019 11:03

No point in pretending. Yes this is a massive change, it's like pulling your life into pieces, throwing them up and seeing where they land. It will be exhausting, but get on with it and set yourself achievable goals.

  1. Your kids 1st priority - talk with family, friends and schools so they have support with this change so you can then focus on you
  2. You second priority, once DC support in place focus on becoming single get him out
  3. Check benefit entitlements, look into therapy and why you made the choices you made, start to create a new honest life.
magoria · 17/05/2019 11:10

So he is a dad who flashes the cash when he has his children whilst screwing their mother every way possible to pay her a little as he can get away with.

The man only cares about himself and his lovely money.

Could his ex take his place with their DC on the holiday?

You will be better off with out him.

canyoubeserious · 17/05/2019 11:13

This man is utterly awful and does not love you or your children. He has told you this many times with his behaviour towards all of you.

Your self esteem must be rock bottom for you to be putting up with this.

You must kick him out and start thinking about your own children. They should be your priority, not his, not the holiday. They have been missing out and continue to miss out in every way because you have chosen to stay with this appalling excuse for a man. You would be better off financially without him and much better off emotionally too.

HasThisSoddingNameGoneToo · 17/05/2019 11:16

If he said he'll move back to his Dad's house, I'd help him pack!

Go to the entitledto website and check how much you'd get in tax credits, council tax reduction, etc, if he moved out. If he kicks off, show him the printout and say that you genuinely can't afford for him to stay.

Don't mention the holiday. Let him worry about that. If it's in your name, you can go whatever happens.

AhNowTed · 17/05/2019 11:19

So he's also happy to leech off and screw over his own father.

Anyone who is happy to see you struggle while you subsidise his bank account is nothing but a parasite.

£70. It's a fucking joke.

My own son hands over more than that, and considers it a token rent.

mcmooberry · 17/05/2019 11:25

Thank you for the updates OP, I have been fuming about him for the last few days. Don't feel down, be proud of yourself that you have seen the light, you are worth more than this awful parasite of a man who will never, ever change. Maybe he is company of a sort but you will not be alone for ever. I understand that the holiday is a bit tricky, maybe start to detach now and boot him out the second you are home unless there is any way of going without him?

Itsjeremycorbynsfault · 17/05/2019 11:28

Kick that bastard out and tell him to fuck off. Taking you for an absolute ride

daisyjgrey · 17/05/2019 11:28

He's a gaslighting emotionally and financially abuse prick. Kick him out.

EKGEMS · 17/05/2019 11:31

He's a despicable counterfeit human being

pusspuss9 · 17/05/2019 11:34

I've only got to page 3 and have seen many insults to OP's partner, but nothing about the father!!

HE should be paying for her children, not the new partner. That's the issue here. Why is everybody ignoring it?

AhNowTed · 17/05/2019 11:41

@pusspuss9 certainly.

But that doesn't detract from the fact that this parasite is handing over a poxy £70 a week.

ThatCurlyGirl · 17/05/2019 11:45

In the kindest way he sounds like an absolute dick.

Boysey45 · 17/05/2019 11:47

No its not,the current partner should be paying 1/2 of all the bills and rent and the kids clothes/school uniform etc should be paid for by their Mum.
If he was a renting his own place it would cost round here £600- to a grand per month just for a 2 bedroomed place, never mind the bills.

I hope you have kicked him out now OP.

KatharinaRosalie · 17/05/2019 11:56

HE should be paying for her children, not the new partner

OP is not asking the 'partner' to pay for her kids. Just for himself, and to act like a normal human being in a relationship. He's not doing that,

Coffeeonthesofa · 17/05/2019 11:58

I commented early on, but he just sounds worse and worse every time you update. The main reason you haven’t been able to go on this special holiday for a long time is because he is costing you money week in week out for all those years. He shows off by giving his kids more pocket money when you are all together, managing to make you feel bad in the process, but doesn’t worry about paying a decent amount of support the rest of the time to his ex, so his kids can eat and have the things they need every day, what a prize. You couldn’t give your kids more pocket money because, you were spending what money you have on the privilege of having him live with you.
Get angry about what he has taken away from your kids and the effect it must have on them living in the same house as their mums boyfriend who doesn’t give a fig for them, let your anger give you strength to do what you need to do. I guess if they were able to chose go on holiday, or not have to live with someone who resents their very existence, they might not be so worried about missing the holiday, if it comes to that.
The reason his family don’t treat your kids nicely is that they are only following his example, he doesn’t care about them, doesn’t think about buying them cards a little gift anything really, so why should they?
I doubt his dad would want his sponging arse of a son back home even if he is paying the magnificent sum of £60 per week, but if he is more fool him, your useless man is looking for the cheapest way he can get through life. He’s probably happy to pay you the extra £10 a week because he gets to sleep with you as well. He really is a bastard of the highest order.

PompeyBez · 17/05/2019 12:00

The OP isn't asking him to pay for her kids. She's asking him to pay for himself, which £70 a week doesn't do. How about if he takes over all the Bill's and shopping etc and she pays him 3x£70 a week for her and the kids?? Is that fair?

WhoKnewBeefStew · 17/05/2019 12:04

He’s not just tight with money, he’s financially abusing you OP.

RandomMess · 17/05/2019 12:08

Remember you can claims as a single parent once you have ended the relationship even if he still living there provided you are no longer doing anything for him, not shopping or cooking or sharing food etc.

Tax credits will argue with you about it but you can legit tell them that it is over due to financial abuse he is refusing to move out (if he won't go) and you are going through the legal process to get him evicted.

Thanks KOKO

pog100 · 17/05/2019 12:17

Leaving aside all the financial stuff, and I'm not denying that it's shit, any man that can live 6 years with kids and then treat them with this coldness is not someone you should want to spend your life with. It's not kind and above all else I think you should be with kind people.

hannah1992 · 17/05/2019 12:27

I haven't read the full thread but on 3000 - 4000 per month he should be paying alot more than 60 a week for 2 kids.

For context my friends ex partner pays 65 per week for their 2 children and he takes home 1300 per month

Original poster
Reynolds1212 · 17/05/2019 12:29

Mcmooberry I can't believe this made you think about him for the last two days I honestly didn't expect this response I had expected people to bring up the children's dad and thought maybe it was me.
The reply about their Dad of course he should be paying for them but he is also a useless waste of air and refuses to pay for them and wriggles out of it any way he can by playing the system.
He constantly tells me their dad should be paying and how much better off I will be once he pays and guilts me about it regularly about my bad life decisions whilst he pays the bare amount himself and thinks he's Dad of the year.
I think I should kick him out beforehand and go away without him in hindsight I'm probably going to have the same issues I had last year.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 17/05/2019 12:34

You are going to have the same issues , and either way he is going to be a complete shit about it as he thinks he owes you. You may as well enjoy a holiday without him given you will have to deal with him kicking off about something. Just say if I hadn’t been subsiding you and your children I’d be able to pay for it no problem. Consider it a down payment, now go pretend to be father of the year to someone else.

pusspuss9 · 17/05/2019 12:42

just to clarify my post, of course I think OP's partner should pay his fair share - absolutely no quibble with that, but I also don't think the father should escape scott free with hardly a mention in the first few pages which were all about cocklodger and other terms of 'endearment' for her oh.

Her oh is correct in saying she would be better off if the father paid what he should for his children. Her oh does not owe her anything for her children's upkeep though. Nothing.

StormTreader · 17/05/2019 12:49

When someone says "I won't pay my way and if you try and make me, I'll move back in with my parents", they are actually saying "the most important thing about this relationship to me is that I can live off your money while keeping my own for myself. That's more important to me than how you feel about anything or whether I'm being fair to you".

The "I'm saving for a house for us" is a classic example of "jam tomorrow" and is supposed to keep you slaving away quietly with the carrot of a house at the end of it. It'll never happen, if he does get a house then you can be 100% certain you'll have no claim to any of it.