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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he just not that into me?

43 replies

Fedup29 · 15/05/2019 17:01

Been in a relationship for about 6 months.

I have a teenager still at home. DP and teenager haven’t met. It will stay this way, for the time being. We are both happy with this arrangement.

We see each other about twice a week, usually why my son is at school. Meet at his, have lunch etc. Go away for the night occasionally etc.

We haven’t seen each other for a week, other planned commitments on my part, which he seemed fine with.

On Monday he messaged to tell me he had the day off work next day. I told him I couldn’t do that day (cat needed to go to the vets) and he said he was working the rest of the week, so would have to be the weekend.

I messaged asking what he was doing Saturday and did he fancy a night away. He replied saying he didn’t know what he was doing!

Today he messaged and told me he didn’t go to work today and had a lazy day! Usually he would let me know and we would meet up.

Is he being offish? Or am I being over sensitive?

OP posts:
sausage1968 · 15/05/2019 17:35

I would just ask him

happybunny007 · 15/05/2019 17:40

Does sound a bit off, I would ask.

Original poster
Fedup29 · 15/05/2019 17:46

What do I ask? If I’ve upset him? If he is still happy with the arrangement?

Everything seemed fine, until I said I couldn’t do yesterday. It feels like tit for tat?

OP posts:
Noonooyou · 15/05/2019 17:48

I agree with the others, send him a message and ask him. That's the only way you will know 100%

loveyoutothemoon · 15/05/2019 17:50

Sounds like he's punishing you. Does he always play games?

Singlenotsingle · 15/05/2019 17:54

He doesn't sound super keen

happybunny007 · 15/05/2019 17:58

No don’t ask if you’ve upset him, just say that he’s had a day off and didn’t arrange anything with you, whereas he normally would, just wondering why.

Michaelbaubles · 15/05/2019 18:00

At 6 months in your situation I’d expect him to jump at the chance of a day - - in bed - - with you.

rritchie44 · 15/05/2019 18:01

No - don't ask him. He's going off you, but you can switch it round. Men need to feel they have something that was hard to get. Be lovely company when you see him and full of life but stop calling and texting him first. Obviously respond to him when he gets in touch. Also if you haven't made a plan for the weekend by Wednesday be busy doing something else. He will learn to get you booked. Don't be mean or grumpy with him and definitely don't ask him whats wrong, that will smack of needy. This is all in the book 'The Rules'. I read it and followed it when my relationship of 2 years was going this way and it transformed everything. Been happily married for 12 years and very much in love. Good luck to you!

TheVanguardSix · 15/05/2019 18:04

To be honest, no. I don't think he sounds like he's cooling off at all.
I think he had an unplanned day off and enjoyed just lazing about, having a bit of 'me' time. It's ok to want that, in between work and balancing a relationship.

Personally, you're over-thinking things.
I mean, he did ask to meet up on the day you couldn't because of your cat going to the vet. You could have worked around the vet, possibly. It's totally ok that you didn't (I'm not having a go). And yes, he could have had his day off and thought, "I'll go up and spend time with Fedup but didn't. I don't think he's punishing you in the least. I think he just had a chilled out day on his own. And that's that really. Don't over-think it. It's not that complicated. Smile

Boysey45 · 15/05/2019 18:16

Sounds like he didn't like it because because you didn't jump when he asked and(rightly) put your cat before him.
I wouldn't ask him nothing, no way, I'd pull right back and letting him come to you suggesting dates etc. If you fancy it then go but I'd be keeping my options open. Obviously your pet comes first!

I might be inclined to say I'll let you know if he asks to do anything which people cant stand.

Original poster
Fedup29 · 15/05/2019 18:37

loveyou he can sulk a bit! Or at least I think he does! It’s hard to tell if it’s me thinking he is, or if he actually is!

rritchie ‘the rules’ book, really Grin I can’t be arsed with all that. If he isn’t interested, then he should just say! I’m not about to play games, I am what I am! Like it or lump it! Grin

Thevan it was more the weekend comments. He said we will have to meet the weekend. I asked what his plans were for the weekend and did he fancy a night away and his reply was he didn’t know what he was doing Confused I thought he said we were seeing each other!

OP posts:
Lifeisabeach09 · 15/05/2019 18:48

Whether it's playing games or losing interest, don't rise to it.
I'd wait for him to get in contact and make plans for yourself. Don't put your life on hold for some dick who may or may not get in contact.

Original poster
Fedup29 · 15/05/2019 18:54

Sorry my reply was to TheVanguardSix not theevan unsure where that came from!

Also vet visit was an emergency visit, not just a routine visit. I couldn’t postpone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fedup29 · 15/05/2019 19:40

lifeisabeach thanks, there wasn’t even I’m not sure what I am doing the weekend, il get back to you tomorrow or the next day.

Or why say we will get together at the weekend, if you already have plans.

I’m confused! I just replied ok. There has been a small amount of general chat today, which he initiated.

Anyhow I won’t bother mentioning plans and take a step back.

Thank you all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fedup29 · 15/05/2019 19:42

And he hasn’t asked about my cat!

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 15/05/2019 19:53

Make your own plans for the weekend and be unavailable if he wants to arrange something at the last minute.

Ullupullu · 15/05/2019 19:59

You didn't see him all day on his day off because your cat had a vet appointment? He prob thinks you are the one "not that into him" to be honest.

Original poster
Fedup29 · 15/05/2019 20:33

Maybe I didn’t explain the vet situation to him very well. I don’t know. He definitely has the ‘hump’ about the cat v him situation.

I phoned the out of hours vet (before he mentioned day off) vet told me it could wait until morning and to phone at 9 for appointment. Phoned at 9 couldn’t fit me in until 11.30. I told him all this.

Cat had to go back at 3.30 to be sedated and x-ray. I had to pick cat up later that day. I didn’t tell him this as he didn’t ask about the cat!

OP posts:
Boysey45 · 15/05/2019 22:25

He sounds crap. what are you supposed to do, let your cat die/or be ill so he can get his leg over?

Oneweekleft · 15/05/2019 23:21
Grin
rupple · 15/05/2019 23:35

Don't like the sound of him.....at all.

Original poster
Fedup29 · 16/05/2019 08:00

It’s very confusing and got me doubting my perception!

His messages, lighthearted, jokey, nice, then he slips in, which appears as a snide or offish comment and I’m left wondering, if I’ve taken it the wrong way!

Like the we will see each other at the weekend, try to make plans and he doesn’t know what he is doing!

Another, following nice, jokey messages initiated by him, when I asked what he did on his day off. He replied ‘lol why the interest’

Are you upset about something or not! Are you being nice or have you got the hump, which is it!!

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 16/05/2019 13:57

He sounds very immature with a chip on his shoulder. I couldn't put up with that nonsense.

michaelbaubles · 16/05/2019 14:54

I couldn't be doing with that either. I hate it when someone is sometimes chatty and nice and then acts like you're mad stalker because you think that's the sort of relationship you have and act accordingly - like his "why the interest" comment - er because you're supposed to be in a relationship with each other? And then suddenly you look like the clingy needy one!

Honestly I think men like this are scared stiff of being in an actual relationship where you get close to each other. They want sex of course, and a girlfriend so they can tell people they've got one and feel like the kind of man who has a girlfriend, but they don't want to actually share a life or enter into anything emotional.