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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is he just not that into me?

43 replies

Fedup29 · 15/05/2019 17:01

Been in a relationship for about 6 months.

I have a teenager still at home. DP and teenager haven’t met. It will stay this way, for the time being. We are both happy with this arrangement.

We see each other about twice a week, usually why my son is at school. Meet at his, have lunch etc. Go away for the night occasionally etc.

We haven’t seen each other for a week, other planned commitments on my part, which he seemed fine with.

On Monday he messaged to tell me he had the day off work next day. I told him I couldn’t do that day (cat needed to go to the vets) and he said he was working the rest of the week, so would have to be the weekend.

I messaged asking what he was doing Saturday and did he fancy a night away. He replied saying he didn’t know what he was doing!

Today he messaged and told me he didn’t go to work today and had a lazy day! Usually he would let me know and we would meet up.

Is he being offish? Or am I being over sensitive?

OP posts:

Original poster

Fedup29 · 16/05/2019 20:01

He has messaged ‘should be free at the weekend, if you don’t have plans’

I haven’t replied yet. Not sure what to do.

OP posts:

loveyoutothemoon · 16/05/2019 20:17

What do you want to do?

Original poster

Fedup29 · 16/05/2019 20:33

It’s still a new relationship, quite casual. I’m not sure if I need to lighten up and go with the flow. However I don’t want to be a doormat!

I just can’t be bothered with game playing. Saying I have plans, when I actually don’t.

Maybe lighten up for the time being, see how it goes?

OP posts:

loveyoutothemoon · 16/05/2019 20:36

Maybe leave it a bit to reply. See how it goes, see if the game playing carries on. Casual or not I wouldn't have the patience for it, but that's up to you.

Michaelbaubles · 16/05/2019 20:38

I wouldn’t see it as game playing, more jumping him down the priority list. You’re clearly not high on his - now that could be ok in a relationship you’re seeing as mutually casual but you did expect to be a higher priority for him than you were. So if you continue with this mismatch, you will continue to feel a bit put out, a bit neglected, and he will react by acting like you’re being needy. Or you can call him out on it, and again probably end up looking needy (in his eyes). Or you can just adjust his importance downwards, act the same way to him he does to you, and you’ll be happy with other things in your life and maybe be happily surprised when he steps up as a result, or justified when he fades away altogether.

Original poster

Fedup29 · 16/05/2019 21:12

Michael That is exactly how it felt as if I wasn’t high on his list of priorities, after previously being so.

Maybe that’s how he felt, when I prioritise the cat. And he has done, exactly what you are suggesting I do!?

OP posts:

Michaelbaubles · 16/05/2019 21:18

But there’s a difference - you already had plans and that time wasn’t set ahead for couple time in advance. He felt slighted that you weren’t jumping for him because he expects to be high enough on your list that you drop everything else for him.

However, weekends are usually set aside for couple time and there’s a tacit understanding as I see it that you’d spend time together then. If you were truly high in his list he’d make more of an attempt to make that time special to make up for missing out on time together. But he’s not, he’s being vague and non-committal. He’s trying to rebalance it so you’re back to being keener than he is. Surely you want things to be equal? By distancing yourself you’re bringing back that equality. And also asserting some boundaries.

Flowersintherainandsun · 16/05/2019 21:27

Don't complicate this or tit for tat it! A relationship doesn't need that! You've got what you wanted, he wants to see you the weekend, so reply saying yes and once you're with him ASK him if you'd upset him earlier on in the week. Don't play games OP that's no way to begin a new relationship.

Original poster

Fedup29 · 16/05/2019 21:28

That’s very true. I had not arranged and then cancelled. Just wasn’t available due to an emergency.

Do you have a crystal ball I eventually replied and he is back to one word answers!

OP posts:

Original poster

Fedup29 · 16/05/2019 21:34

flower I replied, thinking more lighten up. I’ve arranged to see him. Although his replies have been yes, no!

Text is hard to interpret. I will have a chat face to face.

OP posts:

Michaelbaubles · 16/05/2019 21:44

I’m not suggesting game playing, I’m suggesting genuinely shifting him down the list. Genuinely doing something else and keeping occupied elsewhere, not pretending to do it.

Just think, if you’d missed out on a chance to see him because of an unavoidable appointment on his part, would you go all vague in response? No, you might be peeved you’d missed out on a nice day but you’d immediately try and book in something lovely for the weekend, because you like him, want to spend time together and genuinely want him to have a nice time. Ask yourself why that wasn’t his response.

Original poster

Fedup29 · 16/05/2019 22:16

It feels like game playing, as I would be deliberately avoiding him to get a reaction of sorts ie for him to step up or ship out.

Well yes that was exactly my reaction, can’t do today, fancy a night away at the weekend! This seems logical to me! I don’t know why this wasn’t his reaction. My gut feeling is he was sulking.

I think I need to stop trying to analyse what he is thinking/feeling. Go with the flow or stop the flow, if I don’t like it.

I feel I need to be true to myself. I’m honest and upfront. I think I need to continue this way. If it carries on, I will tire of it and just stop seeing him.

OP posts:

KatherineJaneway · 16/05/2019 22:45

Don't like the sound of him.....at all.

Me either.

Dinks66 · 16/05/2019 22:51

He sounds like hard work. A nice relationship, where you both want the same things, shouldn't be this difficult.

TheStuffedPenguin · 16/05/2019 22:54

You could be overthinking this . Said it before and I will say it again - men don't text like women do . They text to make arrangements . If you like this guy then see him at the weekend and yes discuss. I once thought my partner was going to call it a day and he had no such idea - it was all in my head built up by his poor texting .

Kiwiinkits · 17/05/2019 09:46

It sounds like he resents your cat

Boysey45 · 17/05/2019 11:53

I'd pack him in, he hasn't even asked how your cat got on.That shows he has no interest in your life. If he was a decent partner he would have asked after it and if there was anything he could help with.
Also I think men can text long answers if they want to.

LittleWing80 · 17/05/2019 12:03

I am sorry to read your posts. I agree with PP, it’s not right to say all men hate texting. To me, it’s about the pattern. If he has always been short texter and childish then you sort of accepted that how he is but he was all nice and lovey dovey longy texty and all of a sudden that changes radically then I would be unsettled too. It’s not right to worry that much and I hope you get clarity either way. Also hope kitty is alright. Big hugs your way.

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