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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you wait for an engagement? Am I being silly?

301 replies

Roseyflowers · 15/05/2019 10:46

I really need some advice. I feel like I'm waiting for a proposal that will never happen. We've even argued about this and he always says he's 'thinking about it' I am not confident he means it. He knows I want kids but he says we need to get married first. I am 36, I am getting down about it. He says just enjoy what we have now but I can't. He is still upset about how his last relationship ended four years ago!!!

Should I just accept he'll do it in his own time?
Thanks.

OP posts:
PJMasksAreOnTheirWay · 17/05/2019 14:08

Sorry it wasn’t the answer you wanted OP. You know where you stand now. Now you need to decide what to do with that information. It’s fairly clear he’s just going to keep fobbing you off.

PlatypusLeague · 17/05/2019 14:20

Make sure you get some legal advice OP. Whose name is the house in?

Original poster
Roseyflowers · 17/05/2019 16:07

billy1966 thank you. And thank you for everyone being kind and encouraging.
I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I know I've been hopeful and naive and I never, ever thought someone could be so strategic. I only got to move in because i pay his mortgage.
My name isn't on ANYTHING, no surprise hey.

I thought he was just a bit clueless but the penny has dropped .....he's used me for his own gain. I wonder if I am a rebound? argh!!! just so crap.

I just struggle with all my friends having babies and being i happy, committed relationships.

Maybe he'll never want that.

Living with him has been a struggle , he never wants to do things together ,doesn't make me feel attractive (never tells me) and never initiates sex....i know, i know this is red flags galore

OP posts:
HasThisSoddingNameGoneToo · 17/05/2019 16:22

I could easily rent, i've even looked today at local places.

!!! I'm SO excited about your new life. Honestly, it's going to be lovely. YOUR OWN PLACE!!!! So cool. Will you be sharing, or living alone?

emotionalaffair · 17/05/2019 16:23

I think unfortunately when he's talking about his ex he's telling you that he's finding the grass isn't greener after your affair. I suspect he means he would get back with his ex if it was an option.

He's just not that into you sorry. And from what you've said about him he's not even much of a catch. Don't waste any more of your precious time on him.

Original poster
Roseyflowers · 17/05/2019 16:29

HasThisSoddingNameGoneToo awwww thank you so much :) so i already feel a sense of liberation....even though I want to cry all the time. I know i've been feeling depressed. Think my friends/family will be happy because i've confided in some of them.

I would like to live alone. Nothing fancy but it would be mine. Ideally I would like to buy as bf didn't want to buy together ....i know, i know...
Also i do wonder who would put up with some of his things on a daily basis :/

I always deep down worry he'll go back to his ex.

I need to be single and get back on my feet (just going to be crappy for the next few months).

OP posts:
HasThisSoddingNameGoneToo · 17/05/2019 17:12

I always deep down worry he'll go back to his ex.

He might, he might not. She might not have him! Whatever happens, it won't matter because you will be dashing off to Homebase picking paint colours. You'll be painting your house with the radio on. You'll be getting wrecked on wine in your sitting room with all your girlfriends around you. You'll be having such a laugh.

HasThisSoddingNameGoneToo · 17/05/2019 17:16

You'll be doing your toenails in front of Love Island/Celebs Go Dating/whatever bad TV you love that he'd always roll his eyes about, sitting on YOUR sofa, in YOUR house, feeling so happy and calm and free.

Littlemisssugarplum88 · 17/05/2019 17:48

Hi OP,

Just had a quick read through your post and I see it from both yours and his side.
I don't actually think 2.5 years together is very long so I understand him not wanting to commit to marriage at the moment; but I do understand that you would like to start a family sooner rather than later.
Do you think he would be willing to have a family and hold off with the engagement for now? Or would you not be happy with that?
It's easy for other people to tell you to leave him but it's your life and ultimately you should decide what's best for you.
Does he make you happy otherwise?
You say he's been engaged previously, so maybe now he just wants to make sure everything is absolutely perfect this time?! Xx

Sakura7 · 17/05/2019 18:14

Living with him has been a struggle , he never wants to do things together ,doesn't make me feel attractive (never tells me) and never initiates sex....i know, i know this is red flags galore

My ex was like this too. Men like this are users, as you've rightly pointed out.

The good news is that when you get back on your own feet, and take control of your life, you'll feel much better. Once you've given yourself a bit of time to adjust you can think about someone new. There are good men out there, I found an amazing one who could not be more different to my ex. You will be absolutely fine, I have no doubt.

PuppetShowInTheSoundofMusic · 17/05/2019 18:23

I look forward to an update on this thread in about 6 -12 months time about how after ending it, moving out, eating ice cream and crying, you are well into @HasThisSoddingNameGoneToo time line and have a lovely new bf who is making you happy and how you can see this current man for what he is

PlatypusLeague · 17/05/2019 20:55

You moved into his house, you're not married and you've been paying the mortgage.

I'm no expert, but after checking on a few websites, it seems if you go down the litigation route, you'd be likely to acquire a share of the property. For this, you'd need (with your legal advisor's help) to prove you have a financial stake in the property. So getting some legal advice may benefit you.

PickAChew · 18/05/2019 00:30

That fabled financial advisor would probably cost more than she could get back, platypus

Original poster
Roseyflowers · 18/05/2019 10:02

Littlemisssugarplum88 What if he is just looking for the perfect time? I am so worried I have been irrational and needy, maybe he has been planning the perfect engagement! My head and heart are telling me different things.

Ultimately I know waiting and hoping makes me feel rubbish and I don't feel he is genuinely wanting to marry me.

There are lots of red flags. One thing that has upset me is he never tells me I am attractive and never wants to go to bed together, he'd rather play video games :(

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 18/05/2019 10:12

He really isn't waiting for the perfect time and I think you realise this now. He's not all that nice to you and doesn't seem all that concerned about your wants and dreams.

I hope you find a nice new place that you enjoy. You won't have to pay for his house anymore and be free to meet someone who truly values you.

AnotherEmma · 18/05/2019 10:12

Trust your instinct.
And mumsnet!

Littlemisssugarplum88 · 18/05/2019 10:16

I'm 30 and I've been with my OH for nearly 6 years and we aren't engaged (we do have a baby girl tho). There's no rush to get engaged these days, but I think it's important to put plans into place to start a family whether it's this year or next year (or whenever you're ready) especially considering you're mid 30s coz if he's going to string you along then he could jeopardise your chances of becoming of mum if he actually has no intention of having children.

It's easy to read what you've wrote and tell you to leave him, but at the end of the day, we don't know what he's like in real life. He could be faithful, caring, loving etc but you haven't said other than he doesn't initiate sex, but he could just have a low sex drive?! Xx

FenellaMaxwell · 18/05/2019 10:24

Right. There are red flags popping up all over the place on your thread. I think you need to actually list them all out in one place so you can see how clearly you can do better:

  • he didn’t tell anyone about you til he had to
  • he goes on about his ex
  • your name is on nothing but you pay for it
  • he doesn’t want to buy somewhere with you
  • he doesn’t want to have sex with you
  • he doesn’t want to go anywhere or do anything with you
  • he doesn’t compliment you or make you feel happy
  • he doesn’t care what engagement ring you would like. Because he doesn’t plan on getting you one.

You haven’t read this wrong. He isn’t waiting for the perfect time. You already know that. He will never put you first, you need to put yourself first. Flowers

Loopytiles · 18/05/2019 10:26

He cheated on his ex.
He didn’t want OP to move in.

Watersnail · 18/05/2019 10:43

Legal advisor, not financial, pickachew. A solicitor. Of the no win, no fee variety.

PuppetShowInTheSoundofMusic · 18/05/2019 10:51

Legal advisor, not financial, pickachew. A solicitor. Of the no win, no fee variety.

OP needs non-contentious advice in other words just advice where there is no litigation in train. You can't a no win no fee lawyer to give you advice where there is no litigation because there is nothing to win. Besides, you'd never get a lawyer to litigate this issue on a no win no fee basis. It sounds as if.OP does need some legal advice on her financial position and rights though.

@FenellaMaxwell 's post of Sat 18-May-19 10:24:47 is the most sensible thing any one has written on this thread. Seriously OP read this carefully:

Right. There are red flags popping up all over the place on your thread. I think you need to actually list them all out in one place so you can see how clearly you can do better:

  • he didn’t tell anyone about you til he had to
  • he goes on about his ex
  • your name is on nothing but you pay for it
  • he doesn’t want to buy somewhere with you
  • he doesn’t want to have sex with you
  • he doesn’t want to go anywhere or do anything with you
  • he doesn’t compliment you or make you feel happy
  • he doesn’t care what engagement ring you would like. Because he doesn’t plan on getting you one.

You haven’t read this wrong. He isn’t waiting for the perfect time. You already know that. He will never put you first, you need to put yourself first

Original poster
Roseyflowers · 18/05/2019 10:57

Thanks everyone. I absolutely agree that real life can be and is different but in this case , in my gut I know it's a messed up , wrong situation.
The scales have fallen from my eyes and as AnotherEmma said trust your gut feeling and mumsnet! so true!

I've tried to ignore all the issues but there are just too many. Sadly I think he'll probably do this time and time again and i don't feel he wants to really grow up.

If he wasn't fussed about marriage but wanted kids that would be different but he keeps saying once we get married we can ttc.

OP posts:
Littlemisssugarplum88 · 18/05/2019 11:01

If your gut is telling you to leave him then that's probably the right thing to do, but don't make your mind up based on what other people say or tell you to do.

I thought you might have been 50/50 if you've come here to ask others views, but it sounds like you've made your mind up.

Wishing you well with your future OP WineThanks

64632K · 18/05/2019 11:07

OP FenellaMaxwell says it perfectly. I think you need to get everything in order financially and get rid off him.

I do not agree about the not wanting to ttc outside of marriage, not saying this is applicable to your situation, but there are many cultures that do not allow sex or children out of wedlock.

Original poster
Roseyflowers · 18/05/2019 11:20

Littlemisssugarplum88
I thought i'd get 50/50 from opinions on here but everyone seems to think he is bad news :/
Deep down I am really unhappy with the situation and he doesn't seem like it'll change. I am questioning everything :(

OP posts:
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