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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you wait for an engagement? Am I being silly?

301 replies

Roseyflowers · 15/05/2019 10:46

I really need some advice. I feel like I'm waiting for a proposal that will never happen. We've even argued about this and he always says he's 'thinking about it' I am not confident he means it. He knows I want kids but he says we need to get married first. I am 36, I am getting down about it. He says just enjoy what we have now but I can't. He is still upset about how his last relationship ended four years ago!!!

Should I just accept he'll do it in his own time?
Thanks.

OP posts:
alligatorsmile · 17/05/2019 12:30

He doesn't want to get married to you. It is not unreasonable of him not to want that, but it IS unreasonable to string you along.

It is also not at all unreasonable to want marriage and babies and to say so. It's a simple matter of incompatible goals.

Daisypie · 17/05/2019 12:33

OP this must be very hard but for an outside it looks like the timetable will be:
Engagement under duress next year followed by a couple of years stalling on the wedding followed by not feeling ready for a family. There is heartache for you in this if you want to have children.

springydaff · 17/05/2019 12:37

You've said what he said but what did you say? You're the important one here.

I repeat: he is such a bastard to string you along at your age.

Do please move out. No more to be said xx

Original poster
Roseyflowers · 17/05/2019 12:52

Thank you for all your kind advice.

I told him I wanted to get engaged as we have been together long enough and it should be something we want to do.
I told him i loved him but was concerned that he didn't feel the same (in the back of my head I do worry he misses his ex).
I told him , ideally i would have wanted to be engaged by now and married next year and pregnant
I said I found his behaviour worrying and selfish.
I also said that we are not on the same page when it comes to what we want and time frames.

What I've realised is that even if we got engaged I wouldn't be happy as it would have been me forcing him to do it, then i would worry he would be stringing it out . He was engaged to his ex for 2 years!

OP posts:
Original poster
Roseyflowers · 17/05/2019 12:53

I am very tired, cried last night and look like utter shit but it has helped me to write it down and get clarity.

OP posts:
Original poster
Roseyflowers · 17/05/2019 12:56

God I am such an idiot. Looking back now!
He didn't tell his family he had a gf until I had moved in and they visited his house (and he told them as i appeared).
He also didn't tell many of his friends and I am not sure what he tells his colleagues at work.
Scales are falling off and this hurts.
I can't imagine why he is with me if he doesn't actually want to be with me?!

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 17/05/2019 12:58

You pay his mortgage

Aussiebean · 17/05/2019 12:59

He gets a shag

AnotherEmma · 17/05/2019 13:00

Yup

Puzzledandpissedoff · 17/05/2019 13:02

Call me dense, but I'm still not clear about the emphasis on getting engaged, when what you actually want is to be married before starting a family?

You're quite right that there's no point in "forcing" him into this. The best you'd get is a "shut up ring" followed by more delay - and that's if you ever got it at all, in view of his remark about "not this year"

I'm not sure how much more obvious he can make it that what you want simply isn't going to happen, so surely the only thing you can do is make your own decisions now?

Original poster
Roseyflowers · 17/05/2019 13:06

I thought engagement would be the next step after living with someone for 18 months,
We have spoken about it in the past and he seemed to also want an engagement , marriage then children but obviously nothing has come of it. I suppose the engagement ring would have been a sign that he was committed; i know that sounds dumb!

If he didn't want the same stuff he should have told me. I feel he's strung me along because he needs to pay the mortgage and I am there for company (though we never actually do anything together!)

OP posts:
Manclife1 · 17/05/2019 13:06

Do the guy a favour and leave. Nobody should be pressured into taking relationships further than they’re comfortable with.

Besides, there nothing stopping YOU proposing to HIM. If he says no you know where you stand.

Original poster
Roseyflowers · 17/05/2019 13:08

Manclife1 I don't think he's owed any favours...the point is he wanted it too and told me many times and now it's all coming to nothing. If he had been up front at the start then I could have made an informed decision.
Every time i get upset he's told me what I want to hear. Kinda shitty and manipulative.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 17/05/2019 13:12

Engagement is meaningless unless a date is booked, bills paid.

Original poster
Roseyflowers · 17/05/2019 13:14

Yep and that's why i need to stop paying his mortgage, stop listening to his pitiful fob offs and move out.

Sadly i am not sure he'll run after me, i think it's clear he was saying what i wanted to hear.

To say i want to make you happy when he is making me deeply unhappy is just horrible

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 17/05/2019 13:16

He doesn’t have the same fertility risks and owns his property.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 17/05/2019 13:20

I suppose the engagement ring would have been a sign that he was committed

There's nothing dumb about that in principle; with most normal folk it would be a sign of commitment, but sadly he isn't one of them

Not telling family and friends about you is such a colossal red flag that I wouldn't know where to start, but it hardly matters any more. The point now is that he's made it absolutely clear there'll never be marriage and children, so what do you want to do?

HasThisSoddingNameGoneToo · 17/05/2019 13:24

I'm in my 40s now and I've seen this situation a lot. I can tell you what happens:

  • You move into a friend's house, or into a flatshare.
  • You mope for a couple of months and cry on friends' shoulders.
  • You then draw a dramatic line, stop talking about it, and hurl yourself into something new (this is usually an exercise regime)
  • You start to look and feel UNBELIEVBLY awesome
  • You change jobs or get promoted
  • With the new money, you buy your own teeny tiny place
  • You meet someone new and start tentatively dating. You tell him you've been burned before and are cynical. He's lovely and waits patiently but brings you flowers a lot/fixes things in your teeny place.
  • One day you hear from friends that your ex is back with his ex, they're getting married and she's up the duff.
  • You expect to feel shellshocked and hollow and buy loads of ice-cream/gin for a night of wallowing... but actually you feel surprisingly ok.
  • You finally decide to hide it a go with the lovely new guy.
  • You finally get everything you want. 💕
Original poster
Roseyflowers · 17/05/2019 13:24

Puzzledandpissedoff thank you, feeling really silly at the moment.

I was taken aback that his family were unaware of me :/
Another red flag is that all his does is play video games all the time so we don't have time together , he will stay up all night! Literally the bed is cold.

I am away this weekend so need to think of what to do next. I could easily rent, i've even looked today at local places.

OP posts:
Original poster
Roseyflowers · 17/05/2019 13:27

HasThisSoddingNameGoneToo love it! And this has actually happened to friends of min...or the ex contacts you when you're completely over them.

It' therapeutic thinking of all the redflags and perhaps thinking about why we are ot compatible.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 17/05/2019 13:30

You can't possibly get out of there fast enough. Get home, get your things and walk right out the door.

Original poster
Roseyflowers · 17/05/2019 13:30

One of my best friends has a very tumultuous/veering on abusive relationship and it took 10 year for him to propose....only after they had a massive argument about getting married. The whole of the engagement she was stressed and not very nice. Se confided she wanted to stop the wedding. I knew she was scared nothing would change once they were married.
Now they are married apparently it's blissful aka they have horrific arguments without telling anyone. I don't want to be that person.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 17/05/2019 13:32

"all his does is play video games all the time so we don't have time together , he will stay up all night!"

Sounds like perfect husband and father material!

Oh wait....

Puzzledandpissedoff · 17/05/2019 13:38

feeling really silly at the moment

That's only natural, but happily it'll pass - what really would be silly is to waste more time with him in light of what you now know for a certainty

Very well done on looking at rentals, though; from experience I think you'll find that just starting to make changes will make you feel a lot better in itself ... a sort of "I can do this for myself^ instead of merely waiting on his convenience if that makes sense?

billy1966 · 17/05/2019 13:58

So sorry to read your update OP. Very disappointing for you but perhaps not surprising to you.
At least you need not waste any further time. I would leave him to paying his mortgage as suddenly and as inconveniently as possible.
He's a user and you sound lovely.
Give yourself the time and chance to meet someone who deserves you as quickly as possible.
Don't waste time beating yourself up over him.
He sounds very deliberate in his actions.