Would you wait for an engagement? Am I being silly?

[Roseyflowers]

I really need some advice. I feel like I'm waiting for a proposal that will never happen. We've even argued about this and he always says he's 'thinking about it' I am not confident he means it. He knows I want kids but he says we need to get married first. I am 36, I am getting down about it. He says just enjoy what we have now but I can't. He is still upset about how his last relationship ended four years ago!!!

Should I just accept he'll do it in his own time?
Thanks.

I think if you have a read of similar posts you'll find everyone is told 'just leave him'. But it's not their life, it's yours, and it'll only affect you!

Like I said previously, I don't think 2.5 years is long at all to decide you want to marry this person and commit to spending the rest of your life's together. Although others think in that time you should be married, baby on the way with a joint mortgage. Everyone has different ideas of how they want their life to pan out. If you're desperate to marry and want children right now and he wants to wait it out a bit longer then you obviously have different plans.

My mortgage is in my name only and it doesn't mean I'm any less serious about my OH. I would like to get a joint mortgage at some point tho when we can afford to move to a bigger house xx

Whatever else he has going on he's essentially an addict. If he was drinking all hours of the day and night you'd know what you were facing but video games seem innocuous somehow.

Wretched wretched wretchedness to be in a relationship with an addict. They simply aren't there - the body is there but they aren't. (And don't be thinking you can heal him eh!)

Knock this on the head sweetie. He is NOT planning some wonderful thing, really he isn't. Get out there and find someone lovely, someone who values you and recognises how very lucky he is to have you xx

If I am honest my gut is telling me he won't propose. I have friends who have walked down the aisle in less time than we've been together!

One of my friends is blissfully happy with her fiance, he proposed on their one year anniversary and even though he's divorced this didn't stop him. Seems so straightforward and I know she is relaxed and happy because it just happened. I'm envious because i've been with some for years and he's dragging his feet. It's no fair!!!

The thing about the mortgage is that I have quite a bit of savings, could have bought the house together but he didn't want to. Then he needed me to led him money afterwards because he was so broke!

Kinda seems selfish

Why do you need to compare your life to your friends life tho OP?! I know quite a few people who have been together 12+ years and aren't engaged but have children together. What's the rush to get engaged?

And correct me if I'm wrong but did you say his mortgage went through roughly around the same time you met? To me, that sounds very sensible of him. I would not want a joint mortgage with someone I hardly knew. I'm not sure asking to lend money from you tho was a good idea, I hope he's paid it back?!

I don't really know what to suggest, but I think if I was him and had someone nagging at me constantly about getting engaged then it'd put me off.

Is he not willing to ttc before marriage at all then?! And how did he take all of this when you spoke to him about it? Xx

@Littlemiss

2.5 years might not seem like that long when you're in your twenties, but it's plenty of time in your thirties. Especially considering they've lived together for over a year. It's not unreasonable to expect him to know what he wants at this point, and if he's not sure now I don't think he ever will be.

As for people being together 12 years unmarried and having kids, that's fine if it's what you want, but many women would not be happy in this situation. We see threads about it on here all the time. It's not just about the wedding day, it's about the legal protections that come with marriage.

OP I'm inclined to think that part of his reluctance is that he doesn't want you having any claim over the house. Especially as he had the option to buy with you but chose not to.

There isn't a rush for him but for me I think marriage is important. We are obviously not compatible because we are at different stages in our life where he clearly isn't up for it. I wouldn't be happy holding on 12 years without marriage and children.
I want a family and he doesn't even want to get engaged.

Now we've been together nearly 3 years. We could've bought together but he didn't want that.

I am not nagging him; we've had discussions. He has constantly told me he is thinking about getting married to me but then his actions don't match up to his words. I keep getting my hopes dashed. He said this year but the now he said maybe next year.

I don't know where I stand. I want to hold on but it's causing so much heartache. Also I don't want to force him to marry me!
I suppose i just understand why he either won't get married or end it.

He keeps saying we can have kids after we marry.

When i spoke to him this week he said the same stuff ' i want to make you happy' and 'enjoy the moment' and 'i'm thinking about it' and he says he's quite busy with work.
I suppose i see my friends have it easy. Should it be this hard!
I think it surely must be a red flag

OP I think you need to tell him that you simply don't have time to wait any longer, you don't want an engagement, you want a marriage, and you want to start making plans to be married by the end of the year. If he's not on board (which he won't be, or he'll half heartedly agree and try to string it out), then you need to walk away. I know it's so hard, but you have to do it for your own wellbeing.

Also agree that Fenella's list on the last page is spot on. Seriously - read it and reread it.

"The thing about the mortgage is that I have quite a bit of savings, could have bought the house together but he didn't want to."

He is on the property ladder and accumulating equity in his house. You are not. You are paying HIS mortgage while your savings sit there. You have no housing security, he could kick you out with nothing more than 'reasonable notice' (which is not defined in law but can be very little time indeed).

Why did you move in under those circumstances? Could you afford to buy your own place and if so why didn't you?

Anyway, it's all a bit late now, but whatever you do about the relationship you should stop paying his mortgage and start looking to buy your own place if you can.

Ouch.

You’re 36. If you don’t start trying for kids tomorrow you’re at very real risk of being unable to have any. Fertility declines and it takes time usually to fall pregnant, you may not be lucky enough for the first pregnancy to be viable, the older you get the more chance of miscarriage and higher chance of abnormalities. Even if you start trying today and fall pregnant within three months you’ll still be 37 having the child, and do you want more than one?

You simply don’t have time to wait around and see where this goes. In your shoes I’d be saying right, I want to start trying for a baby now. What’s your thoughts? Yes, ideally you’d prefer marriage but you haven’t proposed and there’s no time left to wait around and enjoy the moment, I’m 36. Try for a baby? And if he’s reluctant either split and go it alone/try meet someone for a year with a view to trying within a few months, or if you’re happy never having a family (and probably not marrying either) you can stay with him fully aware of what you’re giving up.

Some women manage to have kids late and all is fine but the odds aren’t in your favour. I’m afraid for you that meeting him at 33 you’ve sleep walked into a situation where you’ve allowed it to drag on for three years without any commitment. I met my OH at 28 with known gynaecological issues and made it clear if we were to date we’d be trying for a baby within two, three years max. He was happy as it fit with his goals too and we did. No way in hell if I wanted a baby would I have waited years in a relationship like this. What a mess. You have to prioritise yourself OP!

@Sakura7 But none of us actually know what he does and doesn't want?! I'm 30, we've been together nearly 6 years, lived together 5 years, mortgage is in my name only and we have 1 child and were not engaged. I'd love to get engaged at some point, but for now I am happy as we are until he asks. And I only want him to ask when it's what he wants too. I personally wouldn't want to be asked because I've drilled the idea into his head 🤷🏻‍♀️

It could be that he can't afford a wedding he would like, especially since he has asked to lend money from you. I know you can get married on £200 if you really want to, but is that what he would want?

He wouldn't have been approved the mortgage either if he couldn't afford the repayments alone xx

I 100% agree with @EmeraldRubyShark tho regarding starting a family. My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage at 12 weeks and then it took me a further 14 months to conceive again due to pcos. I don't think having a family is something you can put off much longer if it's what you really want, but obviously it's whether he will agree to it without the marriage part?! Xx

TBH I haven't RTFT but I was in a similar position. I gave him a deadline and said I'm serious about moving on if we don't get engaged by that point. I then stopped talking about it.

If it's very important to you, and not to him, but he's not willing to do it to make you happy, then this situation will never change. 'He's just not that into you'. My husband wasn't bothered about marriage but wanted to be with me more so accepted it was important to me. I wanted to have the same name as my kids. He finally admitted it was because he hated the fanfare and being the centre of attention. I compromised by having a small wedding and I did the speech.

Good luck!

"none of us actually know what he does and doesn't want"

Well I think the OP has a pretty good idea since she's been dating/living with the guy for the last few days and had several conversations with him about it including mostly recently when he said he DOESN'T WANT to get engaged, get married or TTC any time soon.

last few days years
🤦🏻‍♀️

I think Littlemisssugarplum88 is being pretty reasonable here especially seeing a different perspective.
I think the difference is I've voiced what I want and he has't stepped up. I would be upset if he said no to all of these things but instead he's said we'll see etc
I feel he's strung me along to help with his finances (I've also given him money he owes me) and probably as a get out from a relationship he wasn't happy in.
Now reality has hit he doesn't actually want the thing is he said he did. To me I can't get why he isn't just honest with me.

@Littlemisssugarplum88

Your situation is completely different. You already have a child. OP doesn't. Do you not get that she is 36 years old and she only has a limited time to have a child? She can't wait 10 years. Baby making days would be over.

She wants to have a child. He said he didn't want to do that until marriage. He has told her not get married soon so with the slim chance he does propose, she will be 37 or 38 by the time even she starts ttc.

The issue is that he is being deceptive and dishonest with his intentions for his own benefit.

@Littlemiss

He has had ample opportunity to tell OP what he wants and he's still being vague. The other red flags OP has mentioned make it pretty clear he's not committed to her.

Your situation is entirely different to the OP's. You're younger, you already have a child and the house is in your name. She doesn't have time to wait if she wants a family.

I suppose i just understand why he either won't get married or end it.

I had this. I was 26, we'd been together since I was 17. To his credit, he wasn't hung up and full of guilt about an ex like your partner seems to be, but he gave the same spiel - waiting for the perfect time, no rush, he'd do it but wanted to decide when, etc.

I posted here; I got the same responses as you. Pages and pages about how he wouldn't ever go through with it. He always talked me round. He always had a reason and, in hindsight, I thought I loved him and didn't want to risk not finding anyone else. The sunk costs fallacy was in force...

I proposed, in the end. He said no. I asked him to leave for a while, he came back after two days and wanted to carry on as we were. We split a few weeks later. I couldn't live the lie; and spent six months rebuilding myself.

I'm with someone new now. We've been together for 2.5 years. The relationship has been a million times better, and easier. There's never been any pressure on either side, we move together. We're newly engaged and he's just as excited as I am.

I can't say that'll happen to you, but I wanted to sympathise that (ex stuff aside), I have been there.

Ah... having now read the thread yes...there are many red flags. He's also moving the goal posts. Not good! I get why his fingers have been burnt but that's not your fault.

Whatever you decide, it will be the right decision for you. Don't worry about the nasty posters. Take care!

It seems that there is a lot of keeping face probably stemming for the way the relationship started. Cut your losses he’s not going to change for you, he’s not invested in you. He will try and go back to the ex once it’s over hopefully she’ll have a bit of sense about her. Seriously life is short, ending a relationship is hard but your depressed over this now so it maybe easier to get over than you imagine. Take charge of your own happiness

@AnotherEmma I meant all of us strangers on the internet who all seem to have an opinion. How can we possibly know what OP OH wants. How do we know that he's stringing her along and has no intention to marry her?

@RantyAnty if you'd read my previous post you'd see that I wrote that OP shouldn't put off having a family if that's what she wants. But it's whether he would agree to it before marriage. If he won't then I'm sure OP knows what to do.

@Sakura7 I completely agree with the whole ttc thing, I already feel like I need to make a start with baby no.2 as I've got pcos and had a previous mmc. And tbf, OP doesn't know if she has any fertility issues yet or not so it might not be a quick and easy conception. I just don't see the need to rush marriage, and that's all I've said on here. I've never mentioned about putting off having a family, hence why I suggested asking him if he would have a baby before marriage x

If he isn't committed enough to you to get married or buy a house with you I wouldn't try and have a dc with him, it is a life long tie.
Far more of a commitment than a house or a marriage.

@Littlemiss

I think you've missed an important piece of the picture here. He is refusing to start trying to conceive until they get married. Yet he's dragging his feet on marriage. It's quite obvious that he's just stringing her along.

Nope I haven't missed that part, hence the reason I suggested that she sits down with him and asks him if he's willing to start a family before marriage and if he continues to refuse despite knowing how important it is to her and that her fertility is likely to decline then she should cut her losses

AnchorDownDeepBreath this has really resonated with me, thank you!

We have had arguments and I know, deep down it's not healthy. I know all couples have arguments but we never resolves anything. He does always talk me round or make me feel unreasonable.

bookbuddy you are completely right :( my family and some friends were pretty cool about him and the situation and I suppose there is the added pressure of proving it'll work.

I felt sick the other day ,but also so happy for my friend. She's just become engaged and showed me the ring, they had chosen it together. And I also have a hen do next weekend.

Sorry to spill this out on here. I feel lied to and a total idiot.