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Original poster

Would you wait for an engagement? Am I being silly?

301 replies

Roseyflowers · 15/05/2019 10:46

I really need some advice. I feel like I'm waiting for a proposal that will never happen. We've even argued about this and he always says he's 'thinking about it' I am not confident he means it. He knows I want kids but he says we need to get married first. I am 36, I am getting down about it. He says just enjoy what we have now but I can't. He is still upset about how his last relationship ended four years ago!!!

Should I just accept he'll do it in his own time?
Thanks.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 15/05/2019 16:24

At 36 and wanting children, you don't have the luxury of wasting time. This man is massively wasting your time and is merely stringing you along. If he really wanted to be married and have children, you'd be married already and pregnant, or at least TTC. Don't allow this man to hold YOUR future in his hands.

loveyoutothemoon · 15/05/2019 16:25

I think you need to leave him if you want a baby. It doesn't sound like he wants marriage or kids in the near future, and I'm not sure how common it is for someone to get to that age and change their mind either.
Deep down you know what you need to do but it is hard. You deserve happiness though. Hope you can find the strength to end things.

Original poster
Roseyflowers · 15/05/2019 16:37

It was exciting when I met him but I do see that I've had to push for a lot ie going on holiday together, living together...we don't spend much time together and I am mainly seeing my family.
If he doesn't see the point of marriage why has he already been engaged and telling me he's thinking about it?! I know the answer , it's just shitty.
I feel so dumb and feel lost starting over again.

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 15/05/2019 16:44

I came out of a relationship absolutely heartbroken but after a bit of time I realised it was for the best, and was ready to move on. You can do the same.

AnotherEmma · 15/05/2019 16:56

" It was a tricky start as we met through friends and both had partners. I broke up with my ex and he took a lot longer but felt very guilty!"

So he was engaged to her and broke it off after cheating with you for a while?

What makes you think he won't do the same to you?

You said you're living in his house - has there ever been any talk of adding you to the deeds/mortgage or buying together?

If you've had to push him for things like holidays and living together, and you don't even spend much time together atm, you're flogging a dead horse.

Raise your standards a bit.

MudCity · 15/05/2019 17:41

Thinking about marriage is a long way of doing it. If it has got to the stage of you actually arguing about it then he really does not want it.
He just doesn’t know what else to say or do. He sounds more concerned about the way his previous relationship ended than committing to you.

Move on.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 15/05/2019 18:00

This doesn't make sense. He's hung up on his ex... but he ended it with his ex to be with you?

So really he's actually saying to you that he doesn't want to get engaged because he's concerned his head would be turned again and he'd have to call another engagement off... and you've stayed?

Scott72 · 15/05/2019 18:01

Would he be willing to have kids without getting married? Although that would place you in a more vulnerable position of course.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 15/05/2019 18:02

I'd be put off by a partner showing me the engagement ring they wanted and going on about getting married.

It doesn't sound like you want him for him or you would be happy regardless. It sounds like you want a wedding and baby. Maybe that's why he is reluctant.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 15/05/2019 19:01

Marry the mistress and create a vacancy - I take it all back I wouldn't marry him at all - it says a lot about the morals of a person when they cheat and I wouldn't be in a hurry to tie myself to them permanently

springydaff · 15/05/2019 19:51

He's a bastard to keep you dangling at your age.

RedSheep73 · 15/05/2019 19:55

Ultimatum time. If he doesn't want to marry you, you walk away. If he really cares, he'll change his mind. If he doesn't, you're better off without.

BestZebbie · 15/05/2019 20:15

You are 36. Tell him that "enjoying as you are now" has been fun, but is no longer an available option" as you collectively have run out of time - he now has to (promptly! Maybe within a fortnight) make a direct, clear, final choice between marriage and babies starting immediately, or no longer having a girlfriend. He has had his turn to pick how the relationship goes, your turn now.

RumpoleoftheBaileys · 15/05/2019 20:26

Ah well. Karma’s a bitch.

PJMasksAreOnTheirWay · 15/05/2019 20:28

I think he’s happy just bumbling along as you said. He’s just telling you what you want to hear to try and stop you going on about it.

Suebnm · 15/05/2019 20:33

He feels guilty for cheating with you. He feels you obligated him in some way to leave the women he was with as you had already kicked your then boyfriend into touch.

I bet he also doesn't feel you're marriage material as you cheated on your ex with him. Men hear once a cheater always a cheater too.

You need to leave him and find some peace of mind.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 15/05/2019 20:49

I agree with PPs; you probably can't trust him not to do again what he did to his ex-fiance, but in fairness he may feel the same way since you also cheated on your ex to be with him

As you're sadly finding out, relationships which start off with deceit don't always offer a firm foundation to build on - so maybe it's time to make a clean break and start again with someone new?

HelloDeidre · 15/05/2019 21:40

I have seen some women hang in there and eventually get married and have children, many by IVF...but the women were young when the long romances started and the men older and ended up marrying mostly because their options had gone...None of these marriages are happy ones
I also know women who have waited only for the relationship to end and the man to go on and marry and have children with a younger girlfriend while the woman has left it too late
I also know some women who have told men how it will be and went ahead and made it happen and got pregnant ...again not the best relationships

You know in your heart if this man is stringing you along
You also know what you really want
You know what you deserve

Have a real conversation with him about your dreams. Ask him if he wants the same and if he wants it with you.
If he does then you need for him to step up. If he doesn't step up then you need to accept that its not going to happen. His actions not his words are key

Value yourself enough to put your needs first and make what you want happen with or without him

PJ67 · 15/05/2019 21:50

I would agree with others, forget an engagement as this could still take forever to get to the marriage stage. Tell him you want to have children with him and if he wants to be married first then you plan a small registry wedding in the next 6 months then you start trying for a baby. If he can't decide after living together for 18 months then I would worry that he never will. If he can't decide then maybe telling him it has to be over will be the jolt he needs. If not, then you would be doing the right thing by leaving him and giving yourself a chance to meet someone who wants the same things. Good luck, sounds like a really difficult situation for you.

Original poster
Roseyflowers · 16/05/2019 08:52

Thanks for all your messages. I was very upset last night.
I am realising now that my previous ultimatums are no good and actually haven't done anything because I've always backed down. I'm on edge thinking every event/weekend/holiday he might propose and then I feel disappointed when it doesn't happen.
I didn't expect the overwhelming majority telling me to dump him.
Just so hard to accept he's really strung me along when he's so nice, kind and seems just clueless.

OP posts:
Hollowvictory · 16/05/2019 08:58

But he's not kind is he? He's stringing you along, he's not being honest.
There is nothing attractive about a clueless bumbling man, seriously. Read the relationship threads for plenty of examples of women married to useless men.

Original poster
Roseyflowers · 16/05/2019 09:03

yep, I do get it. It's just hard to accept someone you love, thought was a decent guy probably not just being an idiot but actually stringing me along because he can't be honest.

OP posts:
Original poster
Roseyflowers · 16/05/2019 09:08

I am going to speak with my bf this weekend before I go away and have space. I have this awful feeling that he will accept it and not fight OR he'll say we will get engaged but in the near future.

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 16/05/2019 09:10

he's so nice, kind and seems just clueless.

What about all the things that you've said that aren't nice and kind?

That he's selfish, he doesn't listen to you, he doesn't value your opinion?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 16/05/2019 09:10
  • This doesn't make sense. He's hung up on his ex... but he ended it with his ex to be with you?

So really he's actually saying to you that he doesn't want to get engaged because he's concerned his head would be turned again and he'd have to call another engagement off... and you've stayed?*

But that would still be my biggest concern, by a country mile.