Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you wait for an engagement? Am I being silly?

301 replies

Roseyflowers · 15/05/2019 10:46

I really need some advice. I feel like I'm waiting for a proposal that will never happen. We've even argued about this and he always says he's 'thinking about it' I am not confident he means it. He knows I want kids but he says we need to get married first. I am 36, I am getting down about it. He says just enjoy what we have now but I can't. He is still upset about how his last relationship ended four years ago!!!

Should I just accept he'll do it in his own time?
Thanks.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 15/05/2019 12:51

Come off whatever contraceptive you are using and tell him. You will see from his reaction what you need to do next.

Please don't do this

Questionnumber1 · 15/05/2019 12:53

Why should she keep taking the responsibility of protecting herself from having children that she wants so that he can continue to have responsibility free sex while stringing her along? If he doesn't want children then by her coming off contraception he will have to tell her.
What's so shocking about that?!

Questionnumber1 · 15/05/2019 12:57

He is currently shutting down all your attempts at conversation so op tell him with your actions instead. I would be making plans to leave.

Mitzimaybe · 15/05/2019 12:59

He doesn't want children until married (fair enough) but he doesn't want to get married or even engaged. If you keep pushing him he might do the engagement thing but the wedding will never materialise.

I think you have to tell him either you set a date for the wedding (engagement ring is neither here nor there) or you're off. And be prepared to carry through.

pinacoladalover · 15/05/2019 12:59

"Been flamed for this before but I've found it to be true.

If a man wants to be with you permanently he'll make it clear within the first 3 years usually with a proposal.

The ones that don't do this aren't that into her and often string their partner along, wasting their fertile years and then in their 40's/early 50's fuck off with a younger woman they marry and impregnate within 12-18 months "

This is ridiculous! I have been with my now husband 14 years, we only got married last year. Practicality, just for the sake if something happens to one of us. I never felt he didn't want to be with me forever because we were not married, never ever! It was a common decision and it was just the 2 of us, noone else. None of us wanted the big wedding or the stress of organizing it. It all depends on your relationship. Do you feel him on your side? Do you feel him as your other half? I always felt my husband on my side, we were a team and I never ever doubted his intentions or his love for me married or not! Only you have the answer!

onlyk · 15/05/2019 13:00

You’re 36 so your window of opportunity is closing.

Give him a deadline. Very simple if he wants to marry you he needs to propose in the next 6 months or you will leave him and find someone who does want to get married and have children. Then actually do it.

I know a number of people who have done this and all are now married with children. Not all with their original partners.

Good luck

AryaStarkWolf · 15/05/2019 13:01

Why should she keep taking the responsibility of protecting herself from having children that she wants so that he can continue to have responsibility free sex while stringing her along? If he doesn't want children then by her coming off contraception he will have to tell her.
What's so shocking about that?!

Presumably she wants to bring a child into the world that's wanted by both parents for a start.

Also, if she gets pregnant with someone who doesn't actually want to be a dad, there's a very good chance she'll end up being a single parent

And lastly, how do you know he doesn't use protection himself anyway?

Questionnumber1 · 15/05/2019 13:03

Did I say get pregnant? My advice was to come off contraception, tell him and watch his reaction.

Itsmellslikefr3shgrass · 15/05/2019 13:05

I'd tell him that your window of fertility is closing. Give him 3 months to set date for wedding
Forget the engagement
You could have a new husband by Xmas, if he declines your offer
I agree you need to take action

AryaStarkWolf · 15/05/2019 13:05

Did I say get pregnant? My advice was to come off contraception, tell him and watch his reaction.

Why would she actually have to come off contraception if it was only a reaction she was looking for rather than a baby? hmm]

MiddleAgedChub · 15/05/2019 13:05

Too late for a typical engagement, wedding pathway.

You are not young, sorry. Confront him straight. What is his position with regards to marriage and children?

Once you have discussed and if he is committed, get married quick and ttc.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 15/05/2019 13:08

I told my (now) DH I loved him enough to marry him I didn't love him enough to stay with him and never be married.

Being married before having children was important to me however if I was 36 I think I would sacrifice the wedding for the babies - but put the baby's name in your name rather than his surname and tell him you either all have the same surname or you don't - that should spur him on!

dreichuplands · 15/05/2019 13:11

Are you really sure that you want dc with this man?
If you are than I would put aside thoughts of engagements and rings and sit down and have a conversation about marriage, babies and definite timescales.
If he pushes back then I would move on. He must understand that there are time issues with you having a family.

crosspelican · 15/05/2019 13:12

he always says he's 'thinking about it'

The translation of this is: I'm not convinced. I'm just waiting to see if anyone better comes along because I still want to have sex with someone in the meantime.

YOU have had enough time to establish that he is a person you wish to marry and have children with, so HE has also had enough time - but he doesn't want to.

At 36 you still have plenty of time to move on and meet somebody wonderful who wants the same things as you do. Don't waste any more time on this guy.

AnotherEmma · 15/05/2019 13:13

Ffs marriage is not about surnames
Some married women even keep their own surnames!!! Shock Shock Shock

AnotherEmma · 15/05/2019 13:14

A few cross posts there

Original poster
Roseyflowers · 15/05/2019 13:16

Ok, so I am not over-reacting. I feel exhausted. Spoke to im again earlier this week and he does tell me he wants marriage as well.
It's so confusing. If he doesn't want marriage/babies why tell me he does?
For him there is no sense of urgency.
The whole thing is making me quite depressed but at least most are saying what I was thinking. He's made me feel like i'm nagging or being difficult by wanting an engagement. I see , with the responses that I'm being reasonable.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 15/05/2019 13:18

You would be nagging or being difficult if you were trying to force him to do something he didn't want to do, like clean the toilet. If he feels the same about an engagement or wedding, then time to think again.

Hollowvictory · 15/05/2019 13:20

Forget the engagement that means nothing. Tell him you want to book the wedding so let's look at dates/budgets. If he won't do that he doesn't want to marry you.

dontgobaconmyheart · 15/05/2019 13:22

I would normally say yes YABU for waiting for a man to propose if you want marriage, just because he is...a man (so it happens when he decides Confused). No idea why anyone lives their life like this as though women actually are inferior to men when it comes to what forms our relationships take or waiting for a man to 'pick' us 'properly' by proposing.

With that said this is clearly about so Mich more OP- why do you even want to be with someone like this? He isn't actually bothered about what you want or the impact on you, especially re: age and your desire to have kids. He sounds flaky and full of excuses and I cannot see the appeal, he is so obviously fobbing you of and happy to do so regardless of how it makes you feel. The comments about his last relationship are a red flag as well.

Don't let sunk cost fallacy (or his infinite putting it off) rob you of a situation that would make you happier. Would it not be better to find someone who wants what you want, makes you feel loved in the ways you want, who shares a goal of children?

averythinline · 15/05/2019 13:23

Its nagging or difficult because its not what he wants.....
but he is too lazy/comfortable to bother changing things....

please dont waste anymore of your time with him if you want to be married ....if you want dc then you have not much time ...

Graphista · 15/05/2019 13:23

Pinacoladalover - did you know within the first 3 years that he intended to stay with you permanently? That you were on the same page on the issues that mattered?

"I always felt my husband on my side, we were a team and I never ever doubted his intentions or his love for me married or not! Only you have the answer!" That suggests to me the answers are yes - which is what I said.

I didn't say ALWAYS a proposal but usually and if not a proposal then in other ways made it clear to their partners they were committed to them.

If you're going to quote someone at least read what you're quoting.

Op you really don't have time to waste. It's not just conceiving that gets harder as a woman gets older, the risk of mc, premature and stillbirth, pregnancy complications, chromosomal abnormalities etc all increase too.

billy1966 · 15/05/2019 13:23

Know your own worth.
He's not convinced you are the one for him.
He's humiliating you by his response.
Move on and find someone whom you feel treats you like an equal and isn't selfish.
He certainly doesn't read like any prize.
Good luck.

happyhillock · 15/05/2019 13:28

@Sakura7, okay to solve the problem why doesn't she ask him to marry her? She'll then get her answer one way or another, then the choice is her's wether she stay's, i know she want's to have a family and her age is becoming a problem, if she does leave she then has to wait to find somebody else, if she does they have to get to know one another. She's back to square one

RiddleMeThis2018 · 15/05/2019 13:34

As someone who has walked in your shoes, I strenuously advise you to ditch this guy. Not a day goes by that I don’t thank my lucky stars that I wasn’t able to nag and cajole my ex-fiancé into marrying me. He proposed to shut me up, and never had any intention of actually planning a wedding. Don’t fall into the trap I stayed in for another 18 months!! FWIW, i’m now married to a wonderful guy who is committed to and cares about my goals and needs. But that’s by the by. A life with someone who doesn’t really care about you both working together to be happy would be pure misery. Take back control!

Swipe left for the next trending thread