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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you wait for an engagement? Am I being silly?

301 replies

Roseyflowers · 15/05/2019 10:46

I really need some advice. I feel like I'm waiting for a proposal that will never happen. We've even argued about this and he always says he's 'thinking about it' I am not confident he means it. He knows I want kids but he says we need to get married first. I am 36, I am getting down about it. He says just enjoy what we have now but I can't. He is still upset about how his last relationship ended four years ago!!!

Should I just accept he'll do it in his own time?
Thanks.

OP posts:
firstimemamma · 15/05/2019 13:36

"Put the baby's name in your name rather than his surname and tell him you either all have the same surname or you don't - that should spur him on!"

Please don't do this. A baby shouldn't be used as a way of manipulating someone into marriage.

Your relationship doesn't sound ready for an engagement or a baby tbh. Why not find someone who wants the same things out of life rather than someone who just says they do?

I hope your situation improves soon one way or another op Thanks

JeezOhGeeWhizz · 15/05/2019 13:43

Nah - he doesn't want to marry you.
I would move on from this tyre kicker if I were you and find someone who really wants to be with you and takes your feelings into account.
He sounds pretty selfish too.

HelveticaSurprise · 15/05/2019 13:47

OP, it sounds as if you don't want to marry him either -- quite rightly, as he sounds thoughtless, selfish and arrogant enough to think you're going to hang around endlessly for him.

AnotherEmma · 15/05/2019 13:47

How long have you been in a relationship and how long have you been living together? Are you renting or have you bought (together or separately)?

He's got to be a complete idiot not to realise the "urgency" when you're 36. If you wait a few more years and end up have difficulties conceiving, you will bitterly regret it. If you wait and it turns out he doesn't want marriage and children with you after all, it will probably be too late for you to find someone else in time.

In your position, I would get a full fertility check-up ASAP. And assess the relationship - there may be lots of good points you haven't mentioned here, but he's not sounding like a keeper at the moment.

GingerFigs · 15/05/2019 13:58

Agree with previous posters, he is stalling because he’s not sure, but his stalling is selfish as you have been clear on what you need from this relationship, and you’re not being unreasonable as time is not on your side.

I think you should leave him for someone who shares the same goals as you. Please please do not push someone into marriage and children. He may say yes if you threaten to leave, but if he’s really not sure then at some point in the future he will flake on you and your children. This will leave you as a single parent, I’m not saying that’s necessarily a bad thing, but you then have to agree co-parenting, maintenance, go through the break up and impact on children etc. Don’t do it. Don’t push someone into something they clearly don’t want to do at this point in their life, it isn’t fair on him either. He may well go on to marry and have children with someone else, but that’s his prerogative.

Leave him and find someone who you truly want to marry and have a family with.

Original poster
Roseyflowers · 15/05/2019 14:01

Thanks for all the replies, I do agree (deep down). It's easier giving advice when you're not in the situation. I do know my own worth but obviously it's tough when you care about someone and have a life with them.
I think he is quite immature and happy to bumble along and do it in his own sweet time the problem is this makes me unhappy so we're not on the same page.

I'm going away this weekend with my mum and sister so i need to think about how and what i am going to do.

I do appreciate all the feedback and comments. Even though it's tough reading it ultimately confirms what I thought x

OP posts:
GingerFigs · 15/05/2019 14:18

Hugs Rosey it is so hard to actually do the doing. You have a life together and you love him. It’s not that easy to just walk away. Best wishes Flowers

Original poster
Roseyflowers · 15/05/2019 14:19

GingerFigs thank you , i do need a bit of support. Some of the messages are quite brutal when in reality it's tough facing reality.

OP posts:
Babes222 · 15/05/2019 14:49

If he wanted to marry you he would. Time to move on.

Hollowvictory · 15/05/2019 14:52

Do you want to marry an immature bumbler? I recommend marrying a highly competent adult. There, are many threads from women who married men who they perhaps found endearingly bumbling only to find that, especially when you have kids, the appeal of the bumbling has well and truly worn off and what they want is an effective husband and Co parent.

FizzyGreenWater · 15/05/2019 14:54

It's so confusing. If he doesn't want marriage/babies why tell me he does?

It's not confusing at all! And you need to work that one out quick smart because you are being STRUNG ALONG!

he tells you that he wants marriage and babies because that's what you want so he. lies. to. you. so. you. don't. leave. him. HE LIES TO YOU SO YOU DON'T LEAVE HIM. He wants you to stay making his life nice, he likes things as they are, so he LIES and says sure of course I want babies and marriage.

That's it.

You HAVE to get that in your head or you will still be with him just as you are now, when you are 42, with no kids, and you will BITTERLY regret it.

FizzyGreenWater · 15/05/2019 14:55

Sorry to be so direct. But you are 36. You cannot wait. You really really cannot wait.

happybunny007 · 15/05/2019 14:57

He doesn't want to marry you.

FizzyGreenWater · 15/05/2019 15:03

The surname thing isn't so mad really if you stand back and really weigh up exactly what is most important - I see what that poster is trying to say.

Really the only thing that is a do or die situation is the baby thing. You could very reasonably decide that THE most important thing is having a baby, and that at 36, staying with him and having one (or rather, insisting on either trying for a baby right now or splitting, total ultimatum) is the option with the highest chance of success. Splitting - you might not find someone else; donor sperm - lower success rate, also a delay.

IF you decided to do the former and insist on trying, marriage or no marriage, totally call his bluff - in that situation, you should absolutely give the baby your surname. If not married, you are in control of this anyway. Then if you actually never marry and/or split, you have the baby carrying your name; if you do marry, you could change it or not change it, whatever.

NameChangeNugget · 15/05/2019 15:26

If you flip this, what’s in it for him? Marriage doesn’t suit everyone

Original poster
Roseyflowers · 15/05/2019 15:30

We've been together 2.5 years. It was a tricky start as we met through friends and both had partners. I broke up with my ex and he took a lot longer but felt very guilty!

I moved in to his house approx 18 months ago.

So i feel a lot of positives ie moving towards/being in a serious relationship but now it feels like we've ticked off the ones he's ok with but marriage and kids seems to be stalling.

OP posts:
happybunny007 · 15/05/2019 15:38

Oh dear. Prepare to get your arse handed to you on a plate.

Original poster
Roseyflowers · 15/05/2019 15:40

I'll need the Weekend away to think about it....but I am getting angry...probably a good sign!

OP posts:
billy1966 · 15/05/2019 15:42

I certainly don't think it's easy to walk away but I do think it's probably easier to visualise, than wasting years on someone who just isn't sure, and then moves on!
That's not good for anyone's self esteem.
You are worth a lot more than this.

dreichuplands · 15/05/2019 15:43

I doubt that feelings of guilt because he cheated on his ex with you are why he won't marry you.
You need to be clear and boundaried with him. Or maybe look for someone better?

Original poster
Roseyflowers · 15/05/2019 15:50

Yes, I don't understand why he'd still be caught up in how it ended with his ex? When we spoke about it a few weeks back it was worded to me so as to say he didn't want to get hurt again or that he doesn't want to fuck it up again.

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 15/05/2019 15:50

I don’t understand why women sit around waiting for a man to propose.Confused it’s 2019!
We discussed getting married, decided we wanted to them went off together to chose a ring.

He either wants to get married or he doesn’t.

Ask him to discuss your future together and tell him how you feel. If he dismisses you’re wishes then I’d end the relationship.

Loopytiles · 15/05/2019 15:52

He has much better odds of having DC when he is older than you do.

Much depends on whether he cares about you and your wishes to marry and ttc in the very near future, and reducing your risk of never becoming a biological parent, more than his wish not to marry and have DC with you.

Sounds like he is putting himself first.

GarnierBBCream · 15/05/2019 15:53

Oh, ffs, wake up! He's stringing you along and be allowing him to waste your time you are condoning it. He'll never marry you or be 'ready' to have kids with you. You need to leave him. Should be easy if you're living in his house, you just find another place to live, move out and prepare to go it alone. You don't have time on your hand if you're 36. Get rid of him.

Original poster
Roseyflowers · 15/05/2019 15:57

Yes, i do get it. It's just tough reading the responses and getting my life together to move on.

OP posts: