Hello all
Last month I made an absolutely horrendous error of judgement and wonder if anyone had any thoughts on how to win back the affection of the person who bore the brunt of it, please?
Last year, for 4 or 5 months, I was seeing someone who I loved very much, albeit it was very unusual in a number of ways. It was the only relationship I've ever had with a Muslim and the only one where we never had any arguments face to face; when we were together it was like heaven and I was on the verge of proposing to her. I know chemistry when I see it and I experienced levels of it with that woman that I had not experienced with anybody else, except perhaps my first GF. I would think something and suddenly I'd hear her saying it, like she'd read my mind. I thought I had met my soul mate for the rest of my later life (I am 49 and she is 51), which she herself had said enough in any case, hence my referring to her as The One. But when we were apart it was hell. We were constantly bickering over nothing and she seemed chronically insecure - one day I would get a Whatsapp telling me how much she loved me, followed by one a day or 2 later telling me I was dumped. I found this exasperating and would unfortunately verbally lash out with angry Whatsapps, which happened more and more the more times I got messages telling me I was dumped. She would speak of feeling 'terrified that I would lose my temper' and the whole thing looked like a vicious circle.
Eventually matters came to a head in June when I got one dump-o-gram too many and upset her with my angry response, so much so that she sent a stern message saying she didn't want any more communication with me. I did try sending her a couple of letters / emails / notes on her car to try to say 'sorry, it was said in the heat of the moment' but all to no avail, and in any case I stopped any attempting any communication when shortly after I got a message telling me that if I did she would report me to HR at our mutual workplace for harassment.
This left me in an incredibly sad place and it was months before I met anyone else - a nice person from the evening class I'd started doing that Autumn. I saw her a few times and things looked to be developing nicely.
Then, believe it or not or not, just before Christmas, The One contacted me via email, saying we hadn't talked things through properly back in the summer and asking if we could meet and see if there might be some common ground between us. So, we met. We each said sorry to each other and I could see a lot more clearly where she was coming from. I was certainly not without blame myself and I said that to her. We talked a lot about whether to pick up where we left off or not. We each said that we felt broken by what had happened in the relationship and how neither of us had ever felt so strongly for anybody else. I thought to myself 'I shouldn't be expecting anything.' She made it clear that she couldn't do it now, and that she needed more time.
Long story short - we've been seeing each other as friends (at her insistence) once or twice a week ever since then. although a few times we've kissed and held hands. I was happy to let it develop at its own pace and it was fairytale.
Meanwhile, after meeting up with The One before Christmas, I said to the evening class person who, by this time I'd met 4 or 5 times, that ours was a platonic relationship, with which she seemed OK. I went travelling for a month over Christmas and was in touch pretty frequently with her, if anything more often than The One - I guess I should have picked up on this, but thought she was just a good friend. I did not tell either woman about the other on the basis that it would lead to me being subjected to a grilling of questions and getting accused of cheating; in my own mind I was not, because there was nothing physical going on between any of us (I'll duck right now to avoid the rotten egg being thrown at my head).
For the first few months after I got back from travelling, I'd see The One once or twice a week, ostensibly as friends but understood by both of us that it was developing beyond friends, while I'd be meeting the evening class person at a similar frequency. From my perspective we were just friends but truth be known even I began to realise that she had deeper feelings than just friendship.
Then I got ill and had to go to hospital for 10 days or so, and here is where the debacle that's given rise to this post comes from. I'd been to see my GP earlier in the day and been immediately referred to the hospital, as he didn't like the symptoms I'd presented with. Upon arrival at the hospital, they echoed what the GP had said, immediately admitted me and commenced pumping me full of antibiotics. Here's the nub of the problem - once they'd heard about me being admitted, they both wanted to see me ASAP. The One was due to go away for Easter on the very next day, while evening class girl wasn't going away, but just wanted to see me. What I did was incredibly stupid BUT if everything and everyone had done what they were supposed to do, when they were supposed to do it, the 2 wouldn't have met. The One was supposed to arrive about 3 and be gone by 6 (and had told me she had last-minute packing to do after 6, so it looked to tie in well), while evening class girl was due to arrive at 8. However The One arrived 2 hours later and showed no inclination to go at 6, on the basis that she wanted to spend as much time with me as possible - I have to admit it was absolutely lovely having her there! As 8 PM drew closer, I grew more and more agitated and The One started to ask why. I had to think on my feet and dream up some !!!!-and-bull story about having to go for an antibiotic injection later on - so what did she do, but spoke to the ward staff and ascertained that there WAS no such appointment! Coming closer to 8, she suddenly said 'OK, I'll let you get on with what you've got to do' and off she went - apparently. About 15 mins later, she called me and said 'I've bought some food for you and I'm bringing it up to your ward'. At this point evening class lady arrived and there I was like a sitting duck waiting for The One to come into the ward and for them to see each other. Which they did, and said 'hello' very stiffly and briefly before The One left again. The One was leaving anyway, but evening class lady was still sitting there and asked who the other woman was; needless to say she stormed out when she heard the answer.
Sure enough, since then I've had some very apocalyptic and richly-deserved messages from both of them and they have both made it clear they don't feel they can trust me and want nothing further to do with me. I feel absolutely mortified by what's happened. Hand on heart it wasn't on purpose, but nevertheless it happened. I look to have lost not one but two absolutely lovely women, who cared for me and did me no harm, while one of them I loved more than anyone I've ever met apart from possibly my first GF and was planning on proposing to.
I've been frantically sending both of them Whatsapps and emails, plus a letter or two to The One. Below is an excerpt/digest from the sort of responses I've been getting from The One:
I need space from all this I’m sorry. I just need to cry it out, let it out... grieve... Not answers. Not promises. I need to get over this, before I can even think about going forward whichever way. I don’t know how long it will take. So please understand no more contact. No phone calls, voicemails or emails. Just leave me be, if u have any love at all, out of respect for what I am going through. I’m sorry. If I didn’t love u it wouldn’t hurt so much
[22/04} The idea of going through all of it again is agonising. Love/dating/wherever it is we had is about feeling happy, excitement, butterflies, sensuality, euphoria... all I feel is sadness and heartache. We are dealing with big stuff, stuff that couples married for a while go to for counselling, after they’ve had all the wonderful stuff in marriage. This isn’t something I or u are able to handle on our own... I certainly can’t, the thought of going through it together makes me so anxious. There are so many emotions so much anger, questions, and I’m too vulnerable and my health is really suffering, I can’t handle this right now. We will just end up bickering... I won’t be happy, neither will you. I’m sorry. I tried but I’m not strong enough or resilient enough to overcome this. And we’re not even a couple, what hope is there later?
[23/04] Please I told you not to contact me again. And don’t ever say ‘love you ‘ to me again either, you don’t know the meaning of the word and you lost the right to say it to me. I am not your love.
[03/05, 18:45] . Hi X I hope you are well. Ive only just read through your emails and heard your voicemails - as you can appreciate my first week of my new job was quite intense and hectic, so haven't had the chance to go through your messages. It feels like ages, and the last memory I actually have seeing you was in the hospital, not making eye contact when I came by with a candlelit dinner, so I’m sure you understand my heartache, it felt like I was suddenly struck on the head out of nowhere and I still feel disoriented and in shock. Whatever your reasons, for me it felt like a cruel blow and a breach of trust and respect, you had always gone on about the importance of communication, I thought we told each other everything. So I felt like a fool, standing there, watching you both, like a stranger to your life. You say it is me you want to do all those things with and me you love, yet there I was and it felt quite the opposite. I don’t want your pity, or for you to say those things to try make me feel better about myself... I accept I wasn’t the one, and will pick myself up, at least the work is keeping me occupied. And I don’t want to hold you back either, or compete for your affection- you made a choice and I will not fight for anyone’s love, it should be given freely and whole heartedly with an open heart. So I wish you both every happiness. Life is too short for grudges, and I accept the fact that I was not enough for you, it doesn’t make me any less loveable, desirable or beautiful, perhaps in your eyes it does, but I’m sure one day I will meet someone who appreciates me for what I am. I will take the beautiful moments, and there were many, with me, Je me regrette rien... You showed me how to love, and experience such joy I am truly grateful. I don’t blame you, i just wasn’t enough or meant for you. So no point in talking or meeting, no more tears, no more lies. It’s time to move on. Stay well, and smile always, x
These messages have made me feel sick, they really have. There is no way I am EVER going to put myself in this position again, double-booking people like that! The One and I have had plenty of fallouts in the past, but they have been like storms in teacups compared to this, and this is the only time apart from the message in June when I haven't eventually been able to talk her round. If this was just anyone, then sure I'd be sad for a week or 2 and then I'd be over it and meet someone else. But I had to wait 48 years before I met someone I clicked with like her, and I WANT HER BACK! She is so wrong in saying she wasn't enough for me - she is the love of my life.
Unsurprisingly, she feels she has lost trust in me so I need to somehow rebuild her trust, counter her beliefs about my character, reassure her, and it is this I would welcome anyone's thoughts on.
As an aside, in June last year she cut communication very decisively, quite nastily truth be known. This year, although she (admittedly) had more of a reason and had lashed out quite extensively with texts about my actions, she hasn't so far made any threats to report me to HR again, or done so, despite me writing her a number more 'please could we give it another go?' emails and texts than the last time. There was another time last year when a friend of mine wrote her an email pointing out how much I loved her and offering to try and broker a reconciliation; to him she wrote a nice reply but to me it was more 'how dare you tell your friends our personal business.' This time around, another friend did a similar thing and although she didn't reply to him, neither did she say anything to me, whether nice or nasty. Does this mean there could be some prospect?
Look forward to hearing people's thoughts!
Cheers