Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How should I approach this conversation? Really need some guidance!

137 replies

FairylightsAndMoonbeams · 11/05/2019 08:04

Morning wise people of MN. I need your guidance... It's probably over long for the question but didn't want to drip feed and wanted to give a full picture for clarity.

In January, I met a man. Prior to that, I have been single for around 5 years or so.

I feel I'm ready for, and deserve, a loving, loyal, long lasting relationship with someone and everything about this man and how we are together has suggested that he has the potential to be that someone.

Which brings me to the 'problem'.

He divorced a few years ago. He subsequently had another relationship which ended around last summer. He told me they were still friends on fb after the breakup but didn't have any contact with each other otherwise. Then in March, he told me that she'd contacted him saying that she'd like to give the relationship another go. He said that he'd met someone else, was really happy and had no interest in doing so and he told me that he'd deleted her contact details on his phone and unfriended her on fb. All good so far? I said that it sounded like 'unfriending' was probably the best option. No drama.

Except that, the last time I saw him, he was sitting next to me scrolling through down a list of names on fb that I assume was his friend list (his friends list is set to private) - and her name came up. Or at least I think it was her name.

I only know her first name. It's not unusual but it's not common either. So when I saw it, I did wonder, but didn't say anything. I'm not too proud to say that I did a bit of 'looking' when I got home and he had tagged her in posts during the time they would have been together but there has been no activity since they split up - he posts so rarely this I only went back about 25 posts!

So it appears to me that he told me he had unfriended her and deleted her contact details but hadn't actually done so. I want to speak to him about it but I don't know how to broach it. If it is her, then I will end it with him. Not because he is fb friends with his exgf, but because he will have lied to me about it after telling me that she would like to get back together with him.

But because his friends list is private, it will be obvious I have seen her name on his list over his shoulder and then turned into Columbo.

But I don't know what to say to him. I feel I need some guidance because, left to my own devices, I'll just be really blunt to the point where, if I am wrong, I'll have ruined it anyway.

But I don't think I am.

TL;DR - it appears that boyfriend is still friends with his ex gf despite telling me he'd unfriended her after she asked to rekindle the relationship whilst we were together. If this is the case, then he has lied to me. His friend list is private so I'd only know by 'snooping'. Lying is a dealbreaker. How to I bring it up?

OP posts:
coffeechoc · 11/05/2019 08:14

Honestly, I would be truthful? you noticed the name when he was scrolling, is it her.. you can't be in a relationship with no trust. I don't know how asking can ruin things?

Original poster
FairylightsAndMoonbeams · 11/05/2019 08:18

I suppose it's a couple of things.

I only know her first name so the assumption on my part that it's her might scream 'paranoia' to him.

It was more how to ask him.

I guess I'm overthinking it a bit...

OP posts:
Original poster
FairylightsAndMoonbeams · 11/05/2019 08:21

I think I'm also a bit thrown by how she is the complete opposite to me - she's a tall, pretty, willowy blonde and I'm a short curvy brunette.

I've never expressed any 'body confidence' issues but he keeps trying to 'reassure' me that I'm perfect just the way I am and that he thinks I'm beautiful.

I have sometimes wondered who he's trying to convince...

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 11/05/2019 08:24

Overreaction IMO. Not Ok to be snooping.

You either trust him or you don’t.

She could have just been a suggested FB friend or popped up as a friend of friend. Nothing wrong with having exes as FB friends anyway, although if he did lie that wouldn't be great.

Original poster
FairylightsAndMoonbeams · 11/05/2019 08:27

Well, yes, but it's the lying that's the issue.

You either trust him or you don't

I completely trusted him until it looked like I might have reason not to. Surely anyone would 'check' under those circumstances? I'm not suspicious or mistrustful but I'm not an idiot either. I don't do 'blind faith'.

OP posts:
Confusedin30 · 11/05/2019 08:28

Just talk to him i don't think you should end it though , it mite be nothing ... talking it out and not keeping it in is best thing to doin my eyes .

Original poster
FairylightsAndMoonbeams · 11/05/2019 08:28

Her name appeared about 3 after mine. He and I are friends so not suggested friends and I haven't 'liked' any of his posts so not that either.

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 11/05/2019 08:29

I too think you should leave it. It’s probably someone completely different anyway.

He didn’t even need to tell you his ex had contacted him, you’d would be non the wiser. He sounds a very honest person, if your relationship is great then don’t spoil it.

Loopytiles · 11/05/2019 08:32

I don’t think “anyone” would check up (snoop) on his FB Friends online. I personally don’t think that’s reasonable; others will disagree.

GinisLife · 11/05/2019 08:33

Is you snooping as bad as if he lied ? I'd think so. I think you don't have enough evidence to say anything as it could have been someone completely different you saw.

Original poster
FairylightsAndMoonbeams · 11/05/2019 08:33

Yes, I'm well aware that he didn't have to tell me. So why tell me about it and that he'd unfriended her when he hadn't? Especially as, with his friends list being private, I'd be none the wiser?

I can't leave it. I can't just pretend I haven't seen it. I won't be in a relationship with someone who lies - been there, done that and it was fundamentally destructive.

OP posts:
Original poster
FairylightsAndMoonbeams · 11/05/2019 08:36

And I'm not sure that reading his fb posts when we are fb friends actually constitutes 'snooping'...

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 11/05/2019 08:38

I won't be in a relationship with someone who lies - been there, done that and it was fundamentally destructive.

Ok that’s fine, so just be honest ask him. But be prepared for the fact that he may not want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t trust him.

Original poster
FairylightsAndMoonbeams · 11/05/2019 08:40

So no one thinks his 'lie' is an issue?

Lizzie I am prepared for that. But I can't trust someone who appears to have lied to me.

OP posts:
RunningOutOfFucks · 11/05/2019 08:41

How is this snooping??
It's a public platform! Any information on there is there because he made it public.

And I'm always suspicious of people who make their friends list private (when you're friends with them). Why?

HollyBollyBooBoo · 11/05/2019 08:43

Tricky one. It does come across that you're a bit insecure - why is he having to reassure you that you're beautiful if you've never expressed body confidence issues?

Honestly I think I'd just gently probe as to where the situation is with her, if he's been honest with you to tell you what he has so far then it doesn't sound like he'd withhold any other info.

user1471446186 · 11/05/2019 08:44

Can’t you block someone on Facebook without actually defriending them? He might have done that so it didn’t upset her bet he doesn’t seem anything of her on there.

user1471446186 · 11/05/2019 08:45

But he doesn’t see anything of her...sorry!

Bluntness100 · 11/05/2019 08:46

He may have been honest and unfriended her and changed his mind and friended her again.

I don't understand though, if you're his friend too can't you see his other friends?

LizzieSiddal · 11/05/2019 08:46

So no one thinks his 'lie' is an issue?

I don’t think people are saying lying isn’t an issue. They are saying that you don’t know if he’s lied. There’s only one way to find out and that’s to ask him outright. You’ve stated that if you’ve got this wrong, you’ll have ruined the relationship.

No one can help you ask in a way that won’t offend him if he hasn’t lied. So it’s your choice, trust him and assume he isn’t a liar, or ask him outright and hope he doesn’t take offence.

If this were me I’d have just said at the time you saw the friends list “oh is that X, are you still friends?”

Original poster
FairylightsAndMoonbeams · 11/05/2019 08:47

Tricky one. It does come across that you're a bit insecure - why is he having to reassure you that you're beautiful if you've never expressed body confidence issues?

Honestly? I think he's projecting. I think he is revealing what he thinks about my looks/body - I think he is assuming I will have body confidence issues. I could probably lose a stone or so but, even if I did, I still wouldn't look like his ex!

And I'm always suspicious of people who make their friends list private (when you're friends with them). Why?

Yes. Same here...

OP posts:
LemonTT · 11/05/2019 08:48

I don’t know why he told you about the contact and got himself where is now. It sounds like he will create drama because he prevaricated and deferred to you on something that wasn’t really your business at that time, a few weeks of dating🤔. Getting you involved in things he should have handled himself. Getting you used to a life seeped in muddy decisions.

You have been dating for 4 months. This is not where either of you should be. In all likelihood he forgot to block or unfriend her or decided not to bother. But that was his decision to make. At a few weeks in with you he was probably still hedging his bets so he kept the number in case things didn’t work out.

Now by snooping and by getting annoyed over a saved, or not deleted, contact you look controlling. I would put good money on him playing the affronted victim if you challenge him.

Just ask him if he ever deleted the contact. See what he says. Then decide what to do. If you decide to drop him just say it didn’t work out. I would not waste energy on a confrontation.

Senseiwu · 11/05/2019 08:48

I would be less bothered about the friends thing and more about this:

*I've never expressed any 'body confidence' issues but he keeps trying to 'reassure' me that I'm perfect just the way I am and that he thinks I'm beautiful.

I have sometimes wondered who he's trying to convince...*

pinkyredrose · 11/05/2019 08:50

You're pissed off because he may have an ex as a Facebook friend? It might not be her anyway so you don't know if he lied. If he did it may be because you're a drama queen? But he might not have and if you ask him you'll look ridiculous.

RantyAnty · 11/05/2019 08:51

I find that reassuring you that you're perfect the way you are without you having said anything to be a bit odd.

What was the situation where he said these things?

Swipe left for the next trending thread