How should I approach this conversation? Really need some guidance!

[FairylightsAndMoonbeams]

Morning wise people of MN. I need your guidance... It's probably over long for the question but didn't want to drip feed and wanted to give a full picture for clarity.

In January, I met a man. Prior to that, I have been single for around 5 years or so.

I feel I'm ready for, and deserve, a loving, loyal, long lasting relationship with someone and everything about this man and how we are together has suggested that he has the potential to be that someone.

Which brings me to the 'problem'.

He divorced a few years ago. He subsequently had another relationship which ended around last summer. He told me they were still friends on fb after the breakup but didn't have any contact with each other otherwise. Then in March, he told me that she'd contacted him saying that she'd like to give the relationship another go. He said that he'd met someone else, was really happy and had no interest in doing so and he told me that he'd deleted her contact details on his phone and unfriended her on fb. All good so far? I said that it sounded like 'unfriending' was probably the best option. No drama.

Except that, the last time I saw him, he was sitting next to me scrolling through down a list of names on fb that I assume was his friend list (his friends list is set to private) - and her name came up. Or at least I think it was her name.

I only know her first name. It's not unusual but it's not common either. So when I saw it, I did wonder, but didn't say anything. I'm not too proud to say that I did a bit of 'looking' when I got home and he had tagged her in posts during the time they would have been together but there has been no activity since they split up - he posts so rarely this I only went back about 25 posts!

So it appears to me that he told me he had unfriended her and deleted her contact details but hadn't actually done so. I want to speak to him about it but I don't know how to broach it. If it is her, then I will end it with him. Not because he is fb friends with his exgf, but because he will have lied to me about it after telling me that she would like to get back together with him.

But because his friends list is private, it will be obvious I have seen her name on his list over his shoulder and then turned into Columbo.

But I don't know what to say to him. I feel I need some guidance because, left to my own devices, I'll just be really blunt to the point where, if I am wrong, I'll have ruined it anyway.

But I don't think I am.

TL;DR - it appears that boyfriend is still friends with his ex gf despite telling me he'd unfriended her after she asked to rekindle the relationship whilst we were together. If this is the case, then he has lied to me. His friend list is private so I'd only know by 'snooping'. Lying is a dealbreaker. How to I bring it up?

What I want to ask him is why he was so nervous and panicked when I said I wanted to talk to him about something earlier in the week and what did he think I was going to bring up?

To be honest, I think many people would be worried at being told ‘I need to talk to you about something’. Remember, HE has baggage too and this might have happened to him before and not ended well.

I would just ask him ‘Is there a reason why xxxx is still your FB friend when you’d told me you’d unfriended her?’

There’s no harm in listening to what he has to say.

How do you know his ex really did contact him asking to get back together? Why did she do that just after you started dating? Sounds very convenient! Could he be making that whole thing up to incite a drama and make you feel a bit jealous? It’s a classic tactic. Make you feel like you’ve “won” the prize. That could be why he didn’t actually defriend her? None of it actually happened! The fact is you don’t know and will never know but you do know he lied so now it throws a question mark over everything he’s ever told you. If it was me I’d be no longer interested in a proven liar. I’d be messaging “Hi. I’ve decided that I want to break off our relationship. Take care and good luck for the future” you don’t have to explain. If he writes back asking why you can then tell him “you lied to me about taking your ex off your Facebook friends list. I now can’t trust that anything you’ve told me about yourself or her contacting you is even true. I don’t date liars. Like I said, I wish you all the best but to be clear, I’m no longer interested in you” you know you’re done so be done. He broke your boundary so kick him to the kerb.

I agree @ShinyShoe as I doubt the ex contacted him either.

OP you have listed out his qualities as to how they match what you want but it has not come across in posts that you truly like/love him for what he is and care about him and respect him. You have been pretty critical in terms of trust, judgement and "shit" boundaries. If I had been seeing someone for 5 months and I knew they had said those things about me, in his shoes I would end the relationship. Sorry to be blunt.

When it comes to his "shit" boundaries, I am wondering if you just mean about the ex.

rain No, but I think that only happens if you are friends. Tbh, I don't really want to go back onto her fb page. It feels a bit unfair given that she hasn't actually done anything wrong.

TheStoic That's a fair comment. I will speak to him and listen to what he has to say.

pumpkin I do like him. A lot. And care about him very much. I appreciate what you're saying - I'm angry with myself more than him. He is lovely and very well liked. Until this, I consider myself very lucky to have met him. He knows his boundaries are poor - he finds it impossible to say "no" if he can help. He doesn't want to be unkind or rude or to leave people struggling if he can help - however much it affects/inconveniences him. It also frustrates him.

I don't think he's done anything out of malice or to be deliberately deceitful. I think he's just trying to keep everyone happy. I suppose I want to be with someone who'll be honest with me and prioritise my feelings over those of their ex girlfriend.

Why do you have to see him F2F in 2 weeks' time? If you've already told him you've decided to walk away from the relationship, then seeing him again will somewhat lose you credibility as being a person of your word. If you're through, you're through.

I don't like the sound of anything you've said about this man, despite you saying he's wonderful.

Why would he tell you his ex got in touch, why even bother to give that detail?

Why talk about how beautiful you are "to him"? - ye gods, talk about back-handed complement! Kinda "that's good of you!" like you have to be grateful.

Is this man a 'good looker', charismatic, popular or something. He may well feel he can pick and choose, he has endless options, rather than someone who has found his woman, truly values the person, and wants to get on with building a life together. He'd set my spidey senses tingling.

He knows his boundaries are poor - he finds it impossible to say "no" if he can help. He doesn't want to be unkind or rude or to leave people struggling if he can help

OP please don't fall for this one. Men like this are the epitome of kindness, they never want to let people down, how touching. Yup I had a very very brief date with someone who used to tell me all the time about how many requests they'd get for help, giving second opinions on car purchases, accompanying someone to house viewings because they didn't have anyone else to go with. So he used to help out of the goodness of his heart.

Such a coincidence all the people he helped were women. So I told him to feel free to spend as much time helping them as he wanted

OP I thought you would come back and say "I do like him a lot". Yet you have said very little which shows that and you have half the posters being really critical of him too.

Is he negging? Or have you in fact talked about the fact that you are insecure? Is he lying?

Because either:

You being straightforward here and he is someone to run a mile from

Or are you not being at all straightforward generally

Being kind to other people is not the same thing as poor boundaries, necessarily. Poor boundaries do however jump out at me from your own posts. i have said it more than once, I really do think you need to look at yourself, your feelings, your boundaries and how you treat people, and whether you are on purpose or not manipulating the situation.

Though I do partly agree with pps that he might be playing games too.

In the early days with my DP an ex wrote me a letter, totally out of the blue, asking to re-kindle things.

I had randomly opened it on the loo, so unexpected was it. I had no idea what the letter was until I started reading.

And I told my DP (who at the time was a boyfriend of about 3 months). I only did that because it was a Thing That Happened. Like all the other Things That Happen in life that people in relationships share. I had nothing to hide.

I wouldn’t automatically assume he was manipulating OP re his ex getting in touch.

I also identify with this insecurity at the start of a relationship. After a bad relationship this is heightened.

I also think trust has to grow at its own, slow, pace in a relationship. Me and DP trust each other much more deeply after three years than we did after three months. That’s only natural. That’s why you should see him only as a boyfriend and see where this goes. Chill out and see him F2F (where you can really see his non verbal communication) and hear him out.

Sounds like a lot of hassle for a relationship of four months.

@latentphase I understand what you are saying in your last post, but if one of you had done a bit of snooping instead of talking to each other do you not think that that in itself would have in fact been a deal breaker for you relationship?

@OP How are things now? I had said before something along the lines of "break a few eggs" ie give it time, but actually reading the updates I have changed my mind, it might be better to let it go. I might think differently about this from others, but to me respecting privacy and trust is so important and where you don't trust you accept that you don't trust, and let it go, rather than checking up and snooping. Unless of course evidence is needed say if children may be affected. but that isn't the case here.

Sorry, NC fail

And "your relationship" not "you relationship"